Customer Reviews

I'd Rather Eat Chocolate: Learning to Love My Low Libido

5 star:		(13)
4 star:		(8)
3 star:		(4)
2 star:		(5)
1 star:		(4)

 

 

I read this book on a intercontinental business trip on a recommendation from a female friend. It was good for this purpose because its really a page-turner and puts some pretty common sexual dynamics into sharp focus. The author makes a pretty good case that she (and so many other women) shouldn't be judged as flawed because they are barely interested in sex. She also thinks the conflation of love=sex is a BS guilt trip to get wives to put out more lest they be withholding love from their spouses.

I get it. I feel sorry for her and her husband, but I get it.

But there's something I really, really didn't get: if sex is NOT a form of love, and if it is such an infinitesimally low priority for her, then why does she care if her husband gets it elsewhere? If I take her at her word that she doesn't care about sex hardly at all, then why does she need to control her husbands sex life, including (and this made me a bit angry) putting restrictions on his access to pornography?

I don't get it. I really don't. If you aren't interested in having sex with someone, why would you care if he gets his needs met elsewhere? I wish someone would explain it to me.

Joan Sewell's memoir, "I'd Rather Eat Chocolate" could not be more timely: Redbook magazine just printed a survey sating that 70 percent of women would choose chocolate over sex. The author finds herself squarely in that camp. It's not jthat she has no libido (she masturbates)or can't orgasm through intercourse, etc. Her husband has skills, but sex is such a low priority that if left up to her, she'd never get around to initiating it with an actual partner. Like me, she fakes lust until she can't fake it anymore.

Her sexual compromise with her husband is unlike any I've seen. She admits that this part is not supposed to be example for everyone. But that's what it takes for Joan to feel autonomy over her own body (that's important to her)while giving Kip the sex he hasn't been having at all during their platoic stalemate. A small part of the book, this part does seem incomplete. But it's a start in breaking the iceberg that developed between them. (And you've got to have a guy like Kip. They argue, but really he's pretty open-minded. I don't know if most husbands would be that understanding. Maybe they should be.)

The book isn't a self-help manual anyway, offering "10 sure-fire way to light her fire" or "7 steps to boost your libido." The main atraction fo me is Joan's often hilarious step-by-step story of what it's like to try what the sexperts, the magazines, and pop psychologists say will help her "dsyfunctional" drive.Instead she shows that most women who think they have a low sex drive are really only low compared to men. It's biological. Final judgement: Put it on your bookshelf if you're looking for a funny, poignant, and subversive book for any woman who's ever felt "les than" because of her sex drive.

I'm only twent-four and have been living with my boyfriend for two years. I've had sex with other guys and surprisingly, most of them have been skilled in the sex department. But still I'm not as close to being as horny as them or even like Joan Sewell says, as horny as all the women that are on TV and movies now. I feel it's secret I have to keep. Because like the author says, having a libido lower than I guy seems to be a reflection on me. I am a confident and I think pretty well adjusted woman in other areas. For me not wanting sex is not from a psychological hangup (though I'm getting one now from being "undersexed". I read this book in throughout the night and into the morning. This woman could have been my clone. She's funny, smart, and outrageous. Her solution is not for everybody. I just went to her website today and wrote her an email. Maybe I'll find more details about how she got from her sexual stalemate to where she is now in her marriage.

All in all a great book. If nothing else, you're going to get a lot of laughs and a radical new way at looking at women's sex drives.

Though I think this book paints a remarkably grim picture of probably many marriages, I gave it three stars because it has been so difficult to find a non-religious book that squarely talks about the combination of low wife libido and high husband libido. It is amusing that in print there is "The Sex-Starved Wife" and "The Sex-Starved Marriage", and, and,... but no, nothing I've found like "The Sex-Starved Husband". I am very discouraged that I'm unable to find anything decent centered on the subject of the man's experience. This book actually discusses this condition, albeit from the standpoint of the wife. As an aside, an outstanding book about both points of view is "Mating In Captivity".

I couldn't agree more that if one spouse has high libido and the other has low (regardless of which spouse has which) it doesn't make sense to say one is right and the other is wrong. This might be akin to one spouse wanting children, and the other wanting no children. In both situations it is far better to work this out before getting married! However, the downright vicious issue I see here is the admission that for this author and her husband, there was no incompatibility at the time of lifelong commitment to marriage. Both libidos appeared high, but only because deception was in use. Kip did not fake a low libido to lure the author into marriage!

The many reviewers that applaud the book in the vein of "Why should we be made to feel bad - maybe our husbands are the problem for having libidos that are too high!" should complete the picture: Has your husband demanded higher and higher frequency of sex over the years compared to when you committed to each other? Did your husband deceive you?


As an addendum, I feel compelled to quote below part of a review of a different book ("He's Just Not Up for It Anymore: Why Men Stop Having Sex, and What You Can Do About It"), in which the tables are turned. By the way, try to imagine the same review, in which the words women/men, her/him, wife/husband, and so on are simply reversed (feminism IS about equality, isn't it?), and how that would be received by Amazon readers!

"I just finished reading both this book and The Sex-Starved Wife. I really liked this book because it placed the reality of the non-responsive spouse on the man where it belongs. I found the message of the wife being at fault in the Sex Starved Wife to be demeaning, sexist, and very unsupportive to women.

My personal experience with a non-responsive husband is that no matter what you do, there is no response. The non-responsive spouse is in control of the sex. In the last 25 years, my husband and I have had sex no more than 10 times. I am not a nag. I am imaginative. I do discuss. I give him lots of space. There doesn't appear to be any joint solution to this problem - because it isn't a joint problem --- it is MY problem. He is perfectly happy the way things are. I am the one who is unhappy. Viagra does nothing just sitting on the nightstand!

So, this book really gives definitive information on how the wife feels about being deprived of sex and having to beg for it, or suffer for it, or take it whenever the man wants to give it whether she is in the mood or not. I think this male behavior should actually be called marital rape! Men need to know how they are treating women. The MYTH of women nagging and withholding sex is a LIE - It is the MEN who are doing it!

This is a huge problem for women in this country. Another cultural myth is that men are always and forever ready for sex at the drop of a hat - and women and men believe it. There isn't a simple solution to a man who refuses to have sex - dressing up in saran wrap is not going to fix this problem. My life is in tatters. I have given the book to my husband and now I guess I just wait some more! -- Great life.... "

This is a funny and enlightening book. The author says that a sex drive is based mostly on higher levels of testosterone in men--nature rather than nurture.

The book also shows how couples with a libido gap can reach a compromise, albeit one that favors the lower libido woman over the higher libido male partner. That's something most men sure won't be keen on if they want all their fantasies fulfilled. But she claims that she and her husband have sex more frequently and without all the squabbling over their differences.

One thing I liked best about this book is its critique of pop culture's take on women's sexuality. The media likes to talk out of both sides of its mouth, painting women as highly libidinous in one venue and hard to talk into bed in another. This book really cuts through all the BS. I highly recommend it.

This is a very tough book for men.

1. It's not about understanding your wife.

In the last 2-3 decades, we have had many books saying the problem with men is that they do not understand the woman as an entire person. Get to know her, share her interests, listen, empathize with her problems, and sexually attend to her needs before your own. The author explains that at the end of the day, this probably won't matter, she will still not be that interested.

2. Give this book as a gift for a Young Man thinking of Marriage.

Know a young man thinking about marriage. He may say he's in love, talk about their fun times together, but the author tells us that 10 years and two kids later, she will probably not be in the mood. Want good, exciting sex, stay single. You will probably do more exciting things with a new girl on a 5th date than with your wife of 15 years. (fortunately this has not been not true for me but that according to the author is apparently the exception). Count on exciting Friday nights going to your mother-in-law's house and eating meat-loaf.

3. The Accomodation Thesis

Her basic thesis, that women are called upon to accomodate men and their desires, rather than reach a happy medium, is clearly wrong. Many men think about sex on a daily basis, and most have a story about a wild vacation with a girlfriend when they were 20. Instead, husbands have limited and compromised their desire, types of sex, and then are seeking some satisfaction after these compromises. The author is not measuring herself even by women's benchmarks. It's a 70/30 compromise, where the author says her 30% modification is too much. Statistically, the average couple has sex less often than 30 years ago.

4. Rejection

She fails to realistically discuss the consequences of rejection. Everyone man remembers the nerd in high school who prepared 10 hours for a date, chose a place, saved up $100 he worked for a month,and got a peck on the cheek, while the football player who hung out had 15 girls willing to fool around. Constantly rejecting someone, particularly that you purportedly love is not fun. Some women chimed in here talking about their frustrations with uninterested men. If you don't want to be with a man, or don't find this particular person attractive, then don't marry him.

5. Why Not Marry a Gay Guy

This is a sensible solution; the average gay guy should bother her little, share an interest in the home and decoration, be clean and neat, and talk about his feelings. Particularly if sex is not a priority, why not try a gay guy instead of frustrating a heterosexual one.

I'm a woman, and I think that I have a higher libido than either Joan Sewell or her husband, but I really enjoyed this book. It made me think about the way female sexuality is portrayed in our culture. It also made me think hard about my libido and what sort of sex I'd like / need in a long term relationship. I have found myself taking an inventory of my sexual desires and priorities and asking my boyfriend about his.

I don't necessarily agree with the author that all women have lower sex drives than men, since I feel very differently about sex than Joan, but I do think it's important for women to acknowledge their own desires and limitations prior to making a commitment with someone. Also, it's important to think about whether we're really respecting our own desires, or whether we're blindly responding to media portrayals of women, a la Sex and The City.

I think this book challenges women to look honestly at themselves and their sexuality. Joan Sewell has a low libido, which is not a failing on her part, but just a biological fact. I have a higher libido, but I still found this book useful. Whatever your libido, I think it's good to take stock and to be honest with your partner about what you really want and need.

I had such high hopes for this book. The first 1/4 of the book was good. I could relate. After that it became boring. I didn't relate to her humor or her for that matter. I was a bit disappointed in the last 3/4 of the book. All in all, this book really does not help a woman with a low libido. It made me feel even worse.

Some time ago I read a letter in Dear Abby, from a lonely old guy who wanted some affection from his wife. Well, more than affection. Abby responded with a tsk! tsk! for the unfeeling missus, and offered her sympathies to the unfulfilled fella. Readers also wrote in, indignant that someone wasn't performing her wifely duties. Nobody thought to suggest perhaps the man had denture breath or didn't bathe or was an ill-tempered lout. Not only did Abby miss an opportunity to acknowledge that maybe the wife just didn't feel like being intimate with him, she also missed a chance to say it was okay.
Joan Sewell isn't afraid to say it. She analyzes the advice and opinions of current experts, who generally seem to view low libido as a problem, a deformity of some sort, and she follows their suggestions religiously, only to come up empty-handed. In her quest for the real truth, Sewell describes her escapades with an interesting combination of casual conversation and medical terminology. She is never too indiscreet in her descriptions, and that gives this book a broad appeal.
In this delightful, open-minded foray into sexual attitudes, Sewell suggests maybe we should stop and think what we are comfortable with, deep in our hearts, and not be so easily affected by society's expectations for us. If you want to eat chocolate, go ahead -- you don't have to spread it all over someone's thighs to enjoy it.

I am so glad someone has the courage to criticize the sexperts. After only two years of marriage I've got shelves lined with sex books. Those authors always take on the male perspective. I never really thought about that before. But it certainly helped me fall into a depression I thought I'd never get out of.

This book kept me laughing while lifting my shame at the same time. I shared it with my husband, and I must thank my lucky stars, he saw the light too. Not every man is going to be like that, my guy is unusaully perceptive though and a great communicator, and that makes a big difference too. I'm glad this book is out there. It's brought me out of my shame.