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73 of 75 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
The best book I've read on relationships of every kind, February 15, 2000
By A Customer
This review is from: If the Buddha Dated: A Handbook for Finding Love on a Spiritual Path (Mass Market Paperback)
I have read more than my share of self help books but this is the most helpful book I have ever read. It started out slow - in the first pages I was rolling my eyes because I felt like it was simple stuff I already knew, but by page ten I was engrossed and thrilled. It is simple, straightforward, fun reading, it makes complete sense and helps clarify the issues that come up in every kind of relationship, from partners to potential partners, to family and friends. I could not put it down. I had an 'aha' every few pages, found it joyful and affirming and incredibly helpful. When I was halfway through it I bought 8 more copies and gave them to eight friends. They all loved it and have all given copies to their friends and family. I quickly saw my relationships to others and to myself start to change, I actively used the theories to improve my dynamics with others and one day read just one sentence and completely let go of some pain I'd been carrying for days over a conflict with a friend. Poof - it was gone and I was looking at it from a whole new place and learned a lesson I have used again and again since that day. I also re-established contact with a friend who I'd parted ways with years ago and in one easy conversation we came together again resolved the problem, laughed over how big we'd made it and have had a healthier, happier and closer friendship than ever since. I am back today to order 3 more copies for three more people - one of them is the new man in my life whom I feel this book was intrumental in helping me find. I'm choosing differently, approaching things differently and what's more - I'm happier and feel more clear and peaceful about relationships than I ever have. Get this book and a few extras for the people you love - you won't regret it. And grab your highlighter- there are gems on every page.
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97 of 104 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Crawl, Don't Fall, In Love!, September 30, 2000
This review is from: If the Buddha Dated: A Handbook for Finding Love on a Spiritual Path (Mass Market Paperback)
This book, written by a Quaker psychotherapist with an interest in Sufism and Buddhism, is a treasure for adults (of all ages!) who wonder why dating and relationships are so difficult. This book isn't intended to educate any of us in Buddhism as a faith, but to speak to those who want a fulfilling intimate love relationship. Western culture's view of love -- often a hard-to-fulfill expectation of love-at-first-sight encounter, based on a strong and immediate physical attraction, ending with a happily-ever-after-fairy tale conclusion -- has confused, disheartened and frustrated many of us who just can't make that kind of romance last for long, let alone forever. This book combines Buddhist, Quaker and Sufi spiritual philosophy to love, helping us clear our minds. Kasl calls this, "crawling in love," and says, "When we crawl in love we are more likely to find the true fire of hearts meeting..." As another reviewer stated, the information in the book is "common sense, nothing original in it at all." That comment, I suspect, would make the Buddha laugh. We have been on earth so long, certainly there is nothing new under the sun to help us with our relationship problems, only old truths we forget as we get caught up our romantic wish for Love American Style. Kasl reminds us of some simple truths. Ground yourself in spiritual wisdom, remember the impermanence of everything, learn compassion for yourself and others. She sites some common themes in Quakerism, Buddhism and Sufism - center yourself, take time to reflect, listen to that still small voice within, and you will be able to accept and give love in a deep, lasting way. She explores our need for an intimate relationship, in a way that is different from the Mars and Venus approach which focuses more on the differences between men and women, tending to widen the gap. Unlike Gray's books, and others which direct us to learn how to say and do the 'right stuff' externally, she encourages us to find connect in the spiritual and human similarities we have with each other, and to respond to each other from our genuine selves. She touches on ads, dating services, the internet, same gender relationships, dating when there are kids involved, physical intimacy, tonglin meditation, and breaking up. This book absolutely is not for everyone. The reference to "Christian" spiritual practices on the back cover is misleading, since it actually draws on more liberal, non-dogmatic Quaker practices. If you are more of a Western philospher than an Eastern philosopher, if you would like new ideas spelled out in an easy to follow, guaranteed fashion, you probably should skip this book. This goes on my own list of books to loan, give or recommend to friends and family members struggling with 'relationship issues.' And to the friend who loaned it to me, I say, Thanks, Jack!
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264 of 304 people found the following review helpful:
2.0 out of 5 stars
The title is false advertising, May 31, 2000
This review is from: If the Buddha Dated: A Handbook for Finding Love on a Spiritual Path (Mass Market Paperback)
I bought this book on the suggestion of a friend, and I'm sorry I did. Yes, there are a few good things in it. For instance, chapters about specifying what you want in a mate and defining what you are willing to give, provide helpful checklists. No doubt, similar lists and concepts are found in other books. But the title leads you to believe that the author will apply the wisdom of the Buddha to the dating life. And for the most part, that simply does not happen. The Buddha is hardly mentioned or quoted at all, for most of the book, and in fact, the author appears to be much less familiar with Buddhism than she is with the Muslim Sufi mystical tradition. She quotes Rumi, a Sufi poet, a great deal, quotes modern therapists, etc., but even when she quotes something referring to the Buddha, it's a quote at second hand from a modern author, not a quote from the Buddha's own discourses, or even one of his ancient commentators, or even such collections as "The Gateless Gate." This ought to be a challenging book, braced with a healthy irony and detachment, precisely because the Buddha taught non-attachment and emancipation from desires--whereas for most people, of course, desire is what drives the whole dating enterprise to begin with. Obviously, the whole idea of the Buddha dating is highly unlikely, and for that reason alone, we are entitled to expect some wry wisdom from someone who has truly wrestled with the problem of seeking intimacy while cultivating detachment from the blandishments of everyday life. In fact, the book is very little more than a pastiche of New Age cliches, with a few Buddhist references thrown in for window dressing. For instance, around page 142, the author talks about driving along a highway and seeing a wounded deer. What did she do about this? "I breathed in the deer's pain, and felt a swirling cloud within me. Then I beathed a blessing on the deer and had an image of a deer happily running through the woods. I have no idea whether I helped the deer or not, but I sure felt better." I'm not kidding. This is said with a straight face. Not only did she not stop to investigate, it seems she didn't even go to a pay phone and call a game warden. She just "breathed in the deer's pain," "breathed out a blessing," and drove on. This kind of fatuous, self-congratulatory inanity is a rather remarkable example for this book but is not all that atypical. Since I generally don't read dating books, I can't say whether this book is any better or worse than other such books out there. But as a vehicle for applying Buddhist wisdom to the dating life, the book is a fraud. The author simply doesn't know enough about Buddhism to say much in that line, so she falls back on saying things like "dance with your fears" and "flow into the love of the gem that is you."
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