Customer Reviews

If the Buddha Dated: A Handbook for Finding Love on a Spiritual Path

5 star:		(60)
4 star:		(9)
3 star:		(5)
2 star:		(6)
1 star:		(3)

 

 

I have read more than my share of self help books but this is the most helpful book I have ever read. It started out slow - in the first pages I was rolling my eyes because I felt like it was simple stuff I already knew, but by page ten I was engrossed and thrilled. It is simple, straightforward, fun reading, it makes complete sense and helps clarify the issues that come up in every kind of relationship, from partners to potential partners, to family and friends. I could not put it down. I had an 'aha' every few pages, found it joyful and affirming and incredibly helpful. When I was halfway through it I bought 8 more copies and gave them to eight friends. They all loved it and have all given copies to their friends and family. I quickly saw my relationships to others and to myself start to change, I actively used the theories to improve my dynamics with others and one day read just one sentence and completely let go of some pain I'd been carrying for days over a conflict with a friend. Poof - it was gone and I was looking at it from a whole new place and learned a lesson I have used again and again since that day. I also re-established contact with a friend who I'd parted ways with years ago and in one easy conversation we came together again resolved the problem, laughed over how big we'd made it and have had a healthier, happier and closer friendship than ever since. I am back today to order 3 more copies for three more people - one of them is the new man in my life whom I feel this book was intrumental in helping me find. I'm choosing differently, approaching things differently and what's more - I'm happier and feel more clear and peaceful about relationships than I ever have. Get this book and a few extras for the people you love - you won't regret it. And grab your highlighter- there are gems on every page.

This book, written by a Quaker psychotherapist with an interest in Sufism and Buddhism, is a treasure for adults (of all ages!) who wonder why dating and relationships are so difficult. This book isn't intended to educate any of us in Buddhism as a faith, but to speak to those who want a fulfilling intimate love relationship.

Western culture's view of love -- often a hard-to-fulfill expectation of love-at-first-sight encounter, based on a strong and immediate physical attraction, ending with a happily-ever-after-fairy tale conclusion -- has confused, disheartened and frustrated many of us who just can't make that kind of romance last for long, let alone forever.

This book combines Buddhist, Quaker and Sufi spiritual philosophy to love, helping us clear our minds. Kasl calls this, "crawling in love," and says, "When we crawl in love we are more likely to find the true fire of hearts meeting..."

As another reviewer stated, the information in the book is "common sense, nothing original in it at all." That comment, I suspect, would make the Buddha laugh. We have been on earth so long, certainly there is nothing new under the sun to help us with our relationship problems, only old truths we forget as we get caught up our romantic wish for Love American Style.

Kasl reminds us of some simple truths. Ground yourself in spiritual wisdom, remember the impermanence of everything, learn compassion for yourself and others. She sites some common themes in Quakerism, Buddhism and Sufism - center yourself, take time to reflect, listen to that still small voice within, and you will be able to accept and give love in a deep, lasting way.

She explores our need for an intimate relationship, in a way that is different from the Mars and Venus approach which focuses more on the differences between men and women, tending to widen the gap. Unlike Gray's books, and others which direct us to learn how to say and do the 'right stuff' externally, she encourages us to find connect in the spiritual and human similarities we have with each other, and to respond to each other from our genuine selves.

She touches on ads, dating services, the internet, same gender relationships, dating when there are kids involved, physical intimacy, tonglin meditation, and breaking up.

This book absolutely is not for everyone. The reference to "Christian" spiritual practices on the back cover is misleading, since it actually draws on more liberal, non-dogmatic Quaker practices. If you are more of a Western philospher than an Eastern philosopher, if you would like new ideas spelled out in an easy to follow, guaranteed fashion, you probably should skip this book.

This goes on my own list of books to loan, give or recommend to friends and family members struggling with 'relationship issues.' And to the friend who loaned it to me, I say, Thanks, Jack!

I bought this book on the suggestion of a friend, and I'm sorry I did.

Yes, there are a few good things in it. For instance, chapters about specifying what you want in a mate and defining what you are willing to give, provide helpful checklists. No doubt, similar lists and concepts are found in other books.

But the title leads you to believe that the author will apply the wisdom of the Buddha to the dating life. And for the most part, that simply does not happen.

The Buddha is hardly mentioned or quoted at all, for most of the book, and in fact, the author appears to be much less familiar with Buddhism than she is with the Muslim Sufi mystical tradition. She quotes Rumi, a Sufi poet, a great deal, quotes modern therapists, etc., but even when she quotes something referring to the Buddha, it's a quote at second hand from a modern author, not a quote from the Buddha's own discourses, or even one of his ancient commentators, or even such collections as "The Gateless Gate."

This ought to be a challenging book, braced with a healthy irony and detachment, precisely because the Buddha taught non-attachment and emancipation from desires--whereas for most people, of course, desire is what drives the whole dating enterprise to begin with. Obviously, the whole idea of the Buddha dating is highly unlikely, and for that reason alone, we are entitled to expect some wry wisdom from someone who has truly wrestled with the problem of seeking intimacy while cultivating detachment from the blandishments of everyday life.

In fact, the book is very little more than a pastiche of New Age cliches, with a few Buddhist references thrown in for window dressing. For instance, around page 142, the author talks about driving along a highway and seeing a wounded deer. What did she do about this? "I breathed in the deer's pain, and felt a swirling cloud within me. Then I beathed a blessing on the deer and had an image of a deer happily running through the woods. I have no idea whether I helped the deer or not, but I sure felt better."

I'm not kidding. This is said with a straight face. Not only did she not stop to investigate, it seems she didn't even go to a pay phone and call a game warden. She just "breathed in the deer's pain," "breathed out a blessing," and drove on.

This kind of fatuous, self-congratulatory inanity is a rather remarkable example for this book but is not all that atypical. Since I generally don't read dating books, I can't say whether this book is any better or worse than other such books out there. But as a vehicle for applying Buddhist wisdom to the dating life, the book is a fraud. The author simply doesn't know enough about Buddhism to say much in that line, so she falls back on saying things like "dance with your fears" and "flow into the love of the gem that is you."

A couple of times a year, I read a book that's a little gem: packed with sage and sensitive wisdom, practical and informative, modern yet timeless. IF THE BUDDHA DATED is my latest addition to my list of these little paper gems. Kasl knows what she's talking about. Without dogma or fuzzy affirmations, she reminds us in clear language that our relationships are part of our spiritual journey. Her definition of a spiritual journey in the path we take to be who we truly are, without pretense or attempts to please lovers, family members, or other authority figures. We come to learn that we can love and be loved best by being who we truly are, showing our vulnerability and our humanity, while still expecting to be treated with consideration, compassion, and kindness.

Early in the book, she states, "on the spiritual path, the purpose of any relationship is to wake up and get to know ourselves and our lover, thoroughly, without judgment or pride." And, "Dating with a Buddhist consciousness means a willingness to confront anything inside that kindles fear or anxiety. When we start wanting to run away, be deceptive, tell lies, or put on a mask, we need to walk right into our fears, sit down, and talk to them until they become our friends. That doesn't mean we have a goal of getting rid of fear; rather we accept it as part of our unfolding journey." I couldn't agree more.

Her lists of behaviors for us to examine in our partners and ourselves are excellent and straightforward. A close examination of what we want and what we have to offer, our values and our desires, all play into what makes relationships work or not. She says, "True commitment is born of knowledge. We can't say yes to what we don't know."

Her list of questions to explore with your partner before becoming sexual (page 126) are excellent. So much worthy of quoting that I suggest you simply BUY this book. A little jewel.

~~Joan Mazza, author of Dream Back Your Life; Dreaming Your Real Self; Who's Crazy Anyway; and Exploring Your Sexual Self (a guided journal).

As a single woman who had just started studying Buddhism, I developed a strong cognitive dissonance that nearly ended my spiritual pursuits. One part is that of being a Westerner in a non-Western philosophical practice. Nobody could address my concerns as a Western single woman. I got the feeling I either was expected (by the culture of this sect of Buddhism) to be either celibate or married. But our culture doesn't practice arranged marriage! Furthermore, the more I grew, the more my desire for a mate grew. A lot of the Western folk wisdom is "that you have to be totally complete by yourself". I felt like I could just do nothing but stuff this desire, deny it.

The problem?? In my experience, there is absolutely no more un-Dharmic scene out there, than the singles scene. It was impossible and alienating. I didn't know how I could possibly follow a spiritual path by day then go out at night and become this whole other person. Also casual sex had grown repugnant to me. I rectified the problem by just dropping out of the market altogether and using friends as a substitute for a mate. I really came to believe there was no one out there for me. Western folk wisdom made me feel like there was something wrong with me because I wanted a mate, and in addition something wrong with me because I'm a woman. All those relationship books out there guide women to bend over backwards and do all the changing and to "just accept men the way they are".

After I found this book, the first thing I did was dismiss it. Then, finally, I looked at it again, and bought it. This time it struck a chord. I'm still single, and I still want a mate, but I don't feel like it's a bad thing anymore; I don't feel like it means I'm a weak person; it's given me a new way to look at the process. Our modern Western culture teaches you in a way that there is a deep shame with being lonely, you are not supposed to admit your feelings. This book has helped me become more honest.

In our society of relatively few rituals, one could have the mistaken idea that they 'know' how to date. I thought I did. In reading this book after the end of a particularly challenging relationship, I have been stunned. I had no idea how really easy dating was, nor how complicated we make it. It's about honesty - to yourself and to those you encounter - and so much more. Get this book and learn how to attract a healthy person into your life.

I don't know about Dr. Kasl's previously written "Finding Joy", but "If the Buddha Dated" is a joy in itself. This, among all the self-help, meditation and Buddhist books has done more in helping me get to the bottom of fear than anything I've read to date.

Void of the formulaic speeches of dating do's and don'ts, Kasl first encourages self-love through some serious but compassionate "homework" -- getting to the heart of old filters and past hurts that play like a broken record. I love that she is multispiritual, borrowing from Buddhism, Sufism (new to me!) and her orginal Quaker roots, all of which promote spiritual discovery. Now when I meditate, scary as it is, the purpose is clear. "Sit down and suffer your terror, talk with your Buddha nature, stay put and breathe." A breath of fresh air, for sure.

I haven't even considered the "dating" part, so entranced am I with this clear, solid approach to the Path. I highly recommend this book for those in search of personal growth and bonding with others.

I can see why Buddhists might take offense at the concept of the Buddha dating, but I picked up the book because I suspected it might offer an alternative to the tiresome array of best-selling dating guides that simply feed our insecurities about being single.

What I found helpful was that the book *does* foster a certain detachment toward the dating process: not detachment from doing it, but enjoying the experience as "a passing show." For me, recently divorced and very anxious, it helped me to be myself and not worry so much about the impression I was making. I also like that it encourages honesty rather than the game-playing that is so often dictated (esp. for women).

She nearly lost me, though, when she mentioned astrology and handwriting-analysis. Aaargh!

This book is a light-hearted, whimsical look at love and spirituality and how one goes hand-in-hand with the other. Although the book is not a lengthy one, it does leave the reader contemplating the messages given in the book. The book has the potential to help the reader develop truer, more meaning and lasting relationships because it is based on the compassion and simple truths one encounters in Buddhist philosophy.

The spiritual path one follows in their personal relationships has a direct result on the happiness, peace and contentment one will find in everyday living. In following that enlightened path, we learn a great deal about our own inner self. We cannot rely on others to make us happy; we, and we alone, control our own degree of happiness. The author outlines several behaviours for readers to examine, both in their partner and in their inner self. "If the Buddha Dated" will also help the reader to determine if their relationship is truly based on love or solely based on sexual attraction and infatuation - an excellent point to ponder before entering into a sexual realtionship. This is definitely an enjoyable and insightful book for any age - love and spirituality have no age barriers. May you find eternal and unconditional love in life's journey!

This book certainly contains alternative ways of looking at dating/relationships. While I agree that "If the Buddha Dated" is a very catchy title, this book is not solely written with the basis of Buddhism. Instead, it is a mix between Buddhism and Sufism, which both holds the philosophy of non-judgment, love, compassion and understanding.

When we judge this book base on the title, slipping into, "How dare the author use the word Buddha, such a spiritual figure, to convey her dating philosophy", we had already missed the whole point of reading this book. I know, Siddhartha never dated because his marriage was arranged. But if we read a little bit more carefully, Buddha, means "the awaken one". What the author was trying to convey is to be conscious and awaken when we slip into our illusions and expectations of our partners to complete us. It is about detachment from our expectations and judgment in dating. That is all it is. I don't think the author had any intention to insult anyone's religion/spiritual beliefs. While I understand Buddhism is about non-attachment to one another, dating can be this way too. Tough, because 90% of the relationships I have seen so far involves one partner being "co-dependent" or "dominant" to another to a certain extent. Tough, because I have seem many people (including myself) dating someone and yet we get disappointed when our partner do not behave according to our expectations. Some of us allow abuses and controls to go on in relationships for years and years.

This book, however, can open the doors for our minds to understand conscious relationships, consciously creating a dating relationship that is fill with love and harmony.

It is a book to experience ... not a book for any quick fixes. It is not a book that will help you solve relationships problem, but it does change our view towards all the lies we have been told since a kid about fairy tale romances.

It's a book teaching us how to live in true love, versus a book helping us fishing and capturing a partner for life and make them staying in that mental prison with us. A fresh philosophy is provided in this book.

If you are interested in reading this book, I would recommend reading 1 to 2 chapters a day instead of rushing ... It is a thin book ... but to experience and make sense of what she says ... requires us to pause and think than speed reading.

Thank you ...