Customer Reviews

If Men Could Talk: Unlocking the Secret Language of Men

5 star:		(10)
4 star:		(2)
3 star:		(2)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

I don't generally read psychology or self-help, which is why, having just finished this remarkable book, I feel like shouting about it from the rooftop. Written clearly and eloquently (no psycho babble!), If Men Could Talk covers a wide range of male hang-ups, taboos, and issues, in a profound yet practical way. On every page Gratch reaches deeply into dark corners of the male mind and heart, shedding light where ever he looks. Shame, inability to express feelings, professional self-doubt, sexual restlessness-the whole male magilla is here, illuminated by easy-to-grasp case studies from Gratch's practice that make his points live. The best part of all Gratch's distinctive tone: supportive but honest, earnest, good humored. His emphasis is on how to start a dialogue with a man: how to listen without being judgmental, how to understand without necessarily agreeing. One example of his good sense(among many): getting in touch in therapy with the left-over anger you feel towards your parents doesn't at all have to mean that you're blaming them for your problems. Time will tell whether what I learned from this book will really make it easier for me to talk. In the meantime I was both enriched and entertained by an encounter with an extraordinary psychologist. And most important of all-it will help my wife to understand me (it's on her bed table as I write this).

Gratch is a clinical psychologist who has spent many years working predominantly with men. One of the most common complaints from women about men is that they don't talk. This book is the result of years of getting men to talk and finding out what they would say, if they would talk openly. Covering several areas from shame to sexual acting out, this is not a book about quick fixes but a detailed analysis of the psyche of men and what goes on under the surface.

Gratch breaks his analysis down to seven key attributes that you must understand in order to understand men. First are the defensive attributes of Shame and Emotional Absence. He explains how these affect a man's thoughts and actions as well as what can be done about it. Then he discusses the four things that affect a man when he finally does open up. These are Masculine Insecurity, Self-Involvement, Aggression, and Self-Destructiveness. And finally he discusses the practice of Sexual Acting-Out.

An interesting and provocative book, some readers (mostly men) will have a problem with the analysis and some will find it enlightening. Reasonably argued and filled with interesting insights, it is a reasonable analysis of how many men really operate deep inside.

I just finished reading If Men Could Talk by Dr. Alon Gratch and couldn't put it down. I'm not an avid reader but finished it in 2 days and for me that's unbelievable. It was an extremely easy read and not technical at all. It gave me a lot of insight into my husband of 47 years, believe it or not. I think relating to him now will be an easier task. Dr. Gratch seems to be very human and caring of his patients. I recommend this book to every man and woman alike. I certainly will recommend it to my book club. I'm sure we can get an afternoon of discussion out of it and I look forward to the day we do. This book is truly a winner.

What a gift this book is, and what a great read. I coach individuals in emotional intelligence, but there are also men in my private life who resemble those in this book.

Why, just the other day I had a date with a gentlemen who drove 100 miles to my town to take me out to dinner. As we headed for a restaurant I knew well, in my hometown after all, that he had been to once, 5 years ago, he got lost and asked me not to say anything. ?? "OK," I said, "But it's right over there." I was, well, hungry. He said no, it was not right over there. After 20 minutes of driving in silence ("testosterone makes people silent"), he concluded that I "might be right" [if I'm RIGHT, he's WRONG] and permitted me to point out the restaurant just a few blocks away. He asked me out again, and I declined. He seemed to enjoy "hunting in silence" a lot more than I did.

And this, said Gratch, is how men end up in therapy. Only when they've driven themselves for a long time, and are totally lost will they ask directions, i.e., a busted relationship, getting fired, or some other crisis for which they can't find the map they wouldn't use if they had. Yes, men are men.

It's good to bear in mind though, as I tell clients to whom I recommend this book, that Gratch is talking about therapy clients. This is not the "average" man, and since Gratch is psychoanalytic, I'll throw in that I think they seem to have more than their share of the designer ailment "narcissism."

That having been said, it's a thoroughly delightful book. What you "do" with a man like this - who can't "talk," but there's a lot more to it - is not so simple, but, yes, Virginia, if you're looking for anything "simple" in terms of human relations, you're going to be frequently disappointed. You have to do a LOT of reading, and experiencing, but reading this book is a start.

Dr. Gratch gives enough direct recommendations you could put into place in a relationship to give us hope, e.g., when he picks on you because his boss yelled at him/he lost the golf game/he's put on weight, tell him, "Come back when you have something nice to say" and LEAVE HIM WITH THE FEELING. How else will he sort it out, and, more importantly, how else will you keep yourself relatively free of the projections?

I found this book helpful in coaching men in emotional intelligence. If you read the book carefully, you'll get a lot of Gratch's attitude, which is the key. He manages to be sympathetic but confronting, and also to retain his curiosity, sense of humor, and compassion, as well as being able to keep himself from getting entangled in the embroglio, which is a skill you need with someone who's not mindful about their emotions.

He does rely on the premise that it's their wishes to be feminine (or have the perceived advantages of being female) that should be considered. I prefer to look at the wellness and success that comes from knowing your emotions and being able to talk about them, and from being balanced with a full repertoire of qualities - whether labeled "female" or "male." The more you have to draw on when it's needed, the better you'll do, the more interesting you'll be to others, and easier to be with, and your enjoyment of life will generally increase. That's high EQ!

This was a particularly interesting book to me as a layman in psychoanalysis. I have had very little exposure to psychoanalysis in the past, so some of Gratch's ideas seemed a little far fetched, but the majority of his points hit home and I could identify. He gives many examples of patients to illustrate the points he is discussing. These examples give an extreme side of the topic discussed, so we all have to realize that most people fall somewhere in the middle of the continuum between normal and extreme (if they even have the psych issue in the first place). Nonetheless, still very applicable for understanding ourselves (or understanding men, for the female readers). He states that the material in his book is consistent with current psychological literature. I would imagine this would be an interesting read for those more versed in psychology as well, though if you are, you may do a little more skimming than me.

Gratch is honest about himself and expresses humility and genuineness in his writing style, along with a subtle (but present) sense of humor intertwined in his easy/free but clear style of writing. If you pay attention, he is able to put very complicated concepts into words for us to understand.

Gratch also gives some helpful advice for females (or even other males) to assist men in dealing with their male psychological issues, but unfortunately doesn't give much (or any?) advice for things men specifically can do to become more psychologically balanced and healthy like he implied he would do in the intro (i.e. how to balance our masculine and feminine sides in a healthy, manly way). Of course, simply by becoming aware of psychological issues by reading this book is extremely helpful in learning to deal with them, but but a few specific ideas would have been nice (i.e. the only reason I rated it 4 stars instead of 5). Nevertheless, the book was still VERY helpful for me to realize some stuff and start addressing things.

Great book though. I think EVERY man, unless he's already in psychotherapy, should strongly consider reading some or all of this book.

I really enjoyed this book. It has helped me a lot to understand men a little better.

I found this book extremely helpful. I coach men and women in emotional intelligence, and I also train and certify EQ coaches. I think we'd probably all agree it isn't THOUGHTS and IDEAS that the men who can't talk, can't talk about ... it's FEELINGS. I put that qualifier in there because it's important to note at the outset, that Dr. Gratch is a psychotherapist, and so the population of men he deals with are pre-selected as having this affliction. This is not a book about "men," but about men who have trouble knowing and expressing their feelings, i.e., low EQ. This is a very readable book, with many great examples. It's invaluable because lots more women than men show up for therapy, and since Dr. Gratch's practice is largely male, I couldn't wait to learn what he'd learned, and hear what he did about it. It will describe very well for you a certain type of man you know (we all do), and will help you to deal with them in partnerships, at work, and in your social life.

I really astonished to read myself while going over the pages. The book is so helpful to understand male behaviour. So, not only the suffering females but also the males themselves will learn too much from this book. Maybe it is not so easy to solve the problems, but to understand and accept the problems is a must to solve them.....

This book gave me insights into the male psyche and a perspective from this therapist's point of view. No only did Dr.Gratch open new avenues in which to communicate with men but he also shared much of himself with the reader. In this book, it is evident that his own journey was both difficult and rewarding. It is easy to see how he was able to relate to his patients and described the uneasy paths they endure. His descriptions of his patients and their voyages through therapy are enlightening and sometimes amusing. I highly recommend this book for both men and women. It is an eye opener!

I am only about half way through but this book is fantastic. It was referred to me as one of the absolute best books on figuring out a man! She was right! I would recommend to every woman that really wants to get to that deep communication and understanding stage with a man.