Customer Reviews

If Only He Knew

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My husband and I own both of these books. They really are best if you read them together: If Only He Knew (for the guys) and For Better or for Best (for the gals). I have reccomended these books to many people. I believe they help improve communication in marriage (and also other relationships!) so that you learn how to be a better partner in the relationship.

I have been reading many of these reviews. The people who were helped by it, were helped greatly. The people who did not like the content of the book, all seemed to feel that the book shouldn't be telling them what THEY need to change to improve their marriage. Look guys! There are TWO books! One for the man and one for the woman. The woman's book tells her what SHE needs to change to improve her marraige with her husband, what SHE needs to do to understand his needs, and communicate with him on his level. The man's book tells him what HE needs to do to improve his marriage. What HE needs to do so his wife will understand him. If the man's book told the reader what his wife needs to do to change, how exactly would that help??? He is supposed to be looking for answers to how HE needs to change, what HE needs to do, how HE can take action to repair past mistakes and plan for a happier future. Only you can change your own actions, you can not change your spouse. If you are reading the man's book then I think it should be telling the reader what the man needs to know and what the man can do to change. Yes, sometimes the author uses extreme examples. Sometimes the examples will look nothing like your life. Sometimes, they might resemble your life a little too closely that it makes you uncomfortable. You may not benefit frome very single chapter in the book. I don't benefit from every single chapter of every book I read. This isn't the Bible, it's a help book. If it helps, then it has done it's job.

I think perhaps if you really want to change your marriage, and make it better, you need to accept that perhaps you will have to change yourself first, before you can expect to change your mate. If you aren't looking for a book that offers advice on what YOU can do, then you won't like this book. If you are just looking for a book that you can hand to your wife and say "You need to change so we can have a better marriage" then you won't like this book. If you're looking for a SET of books that show both of you how to compromise, communicate better and be more compassionate to one another, and which will speak to each of you on your own level, then you will like these books.

Blessings to you all.

I just recommended this little treasure to a friend whose wife has "shut down", and whose marriage is headed for disaster, so I decided to take a second trip through it myself.

Guys, this little book can save your marriage. You just don't realize how you are driving her away. Smalley takes an honest look at himself, and at me (and I wager, at you)and it hurts...I've found some tears in this process. We are to love our wife like Jesus loved the church, and gave Himself for her. As spiritual heads of the home, it is our responsibility to meet these deep needs that are so different from our own. This book will open your eyes.

A book is not a quick fix for a marriage in trouble. But this little book is preventive maintenance and on-going tune-up material. For the guy that senses he is already in deep trouble, this treasure from Smalley can be a turning point. I am going to buy several copies for some of my dearest friends.

Every man should understand his wife's needs at this level.

Wake up gentlemen, before you hurt her any more.

When my wife informed me that she wanted a divorce and that she had no connection with me whatsoever, I was completely crushed and surprised. I love her dearly and started searching for literature to help me work through the situation. I ran across this book and was blown away by the revelations it brought forth concerning my past actions and behavior. I come from a rather long career in the Marine Corps, which pretty much sucked every ounce of compassion and tenderness out of my soul. This book opened my eyes to the blindness I had grown into over the past 17 years of our marriage. I had in fact sucked the joy out of my wife and kids without even knowing it. Never again will I allow Satan to blind me so with all of life's distractions (Work, Work, Work, Big house, Nice Cars, Work, Work, Work).

This book is for men seeking to understand their illogically perceived wives who seem to live in la la land instead of reality. After reading this book, my perception of my wife is that of complete understanding and my perception of myself is that of remorseful shame.

I wouldn't recommend this book for women, because just like us men, women will not connect with a lot of the material presented as it is written from the man's point of view.

Also, there have been some reviews that state this book is out of date concerning feminism. I would have to disagree, as this book is based on Biblical principles that are timeless. Christian readers who are firmly grounded in God's word will see through the comments made on this site by others who do not understand Biblical doctrines concerning marriage. It is a shame, because I fear they will probably end up going through with divorce instead of working through their issues according to Biblical principles.

You can continue to do things your way and reap the outcome, however if you turn to God's way and reap a better outcome. This book leads you through all the points in God's word that supports His plan for marriage. You have to be honest with yourself and consider if you have done everything possible, before you just give up and turn to divorce. If you didn't truely try God's direction, then you didn't do everything possible and you are to fault.

I've weathered two months now of separation from my wife, however I'm sticking to the principles taught in this book. Each page is weathered, areas underlined and corners dog-eared. Read, it - Re-read it and apply it. I can see that my wife is beginning to notice changes in my behavior and is turning perceptions of lipservice into perceptions of permanent change.

My relationship IS in trouble, my wife suggested I read this book. I just finished it about 10 minutes ago and will be getting in my car to drive over 1,000 miles tonite to be with my wife and beg her forgiveness for my insensitivity. It will take much courage for me to follow the advice this book offers, but I am confident that it will help me achieve the results that I just don't know how reach yet. I will submit a follow up message after my marriage is back on the right track. I wish I had read this book several years ago, I'm sure I would have avoided offending my most precious wife long ago. Reading this book should be mandatory for all couples (husbands) before the second year of their relationships. I will be purchasing the companion book, "For better or for Best" as soon as the bookstores open tommorow. (Today is Easter Sunday) Steve

I have had this book in my collection for several months but hadn't read it. My wife and I were experiencing marital discord, so I decided to read it. I showed it to her and explained that I was reading it, but she beat me to it. She insisted that I read it, and I found it to be almost exactly the answer to our marital problems. I do disagree with the author in one respect however. I still feel that the woman must be mature, and therefore responsible for her own actions as well as a man. In my circumstances I know I am mostly to blame for our problems. This book will be a lifetime marriage consultant to me. If you men who are determined to reconcile or improve your marriage-PLEASE READ THIS BOOK. If you don't benefit then your heart isn't in your marriage.

This book is for any man who wants to understand the woman he loves. I would recommend it to be read even by those who feel they have a great relationship already. I married my childhood sweetheart, a girl I have loved since we were so young we NEVER remember not being in love with each other and always expected to spend our lives together. She was 3 and I was 6 when she first told me we would get married. About 17 years later we did, and this is our 26th year of marriage, with 4 children. When I read this book, it turned into a genuine spiritual experience for me. It was much like my Christian salvation experience in that it was like blinders had been tken from my eyes, I was overwhelmed with guilt, and realized I needed to make some serious changes. I knew I had failed to appreciate my wonderful wife as much as I should have, and I saw how her love and strength had made our marriage survive. I had hurt her so many times, and so deeply, I wasn't sure she could heal. I tried to make things better, not really knowing how or what to do. This book let me understand for the first time in my life, just how much my wife had consistently demonstrated her love for me, and how I could work WITH her to have a great marriage. Most of all, I realized she had submitted to me always, but I had not truly submitted to her, like many men seeing the submission part for women, and not that men are just as much in submission to their wives. Also, I realized I had failed God who had given me this woman, by not truly honoring her as I should. So it let me fulfill my relationship with God, and with my wife. Some of the book expressed things my wife had tried to tell me, but this book made it all clear in ways a man can understand. The book also made things better in my relationships with other women, in-laws, my children etc. I also purchased all the other books by the Smalleys that I could find. I should also mention that I read "The Five Languages Of Love" by Gary Chapman just before this book, which was very valuable also. I would highly recommend it.
"If Only He Knew" should be read by all men who want to have a great marriage. I think a non-Christian with an open mind would still gain tremendously from the book, but it is geared toward a Christian audience. I have to question the very negative review I read and wonder if there was a real effort to do more than just "spend more timne with my family", or whatever. This book Should make you evaluate your marriage in many areas, and if you are like me you will not feel burdened or bothered to do it. You will be overjoyed to discover ways to truly be a great husband, and even if you aren't as lucky as me with such a wonderful wife, follow this book and your wife is bound to come around. I was shocked that just the apology, given sincerely, of how I had hurt her, melted my wife's heart and broght us closer than ever. I was specific about things, and then patient to give my wife some time to see the changes were real and sincere. I did not push her at all. Honestly, I never knew things could be so great. But if you ar just going through the motions, trying to find some tricks to manipulate your wife, like I think the one reviewer was, than don't be surprised at your results. This book is about understanding your wife to develop a great marriage, not tricking her into being the way you want her to be. Just read the book guys. Give it and your marriage a chance. Then don't thank me-thank God, your wife, and the Smalleys. Because if you are as fortunate as me you'll never be the same.

This is not really a feminist book, although it may sound like it. Keep in mind: This is a book for improving your relationship with your wife, and improving your marriage. For this, it works. I especially found truth in the premise that it takes around five years for the "baggage" to work itself out. After that, men, its all up to you! Sure, not every argument you have is your (the man's) fault. But you do have the key to resolving those arguments... realizing that womens' fears and hurts are real, and dealing with them. Its not about who is right. It is about understanding what a woman needs, and knowing that she deserves to be loved to the point of self-sacrifice. Listening, understanding, compassion, and faith. And it does not mean that you give in to her every whim. A woman needs her husband to lead, and this book doesn't try to convince you otherwise. It just teaches you how to be a Christ-like leader instead of an army sargent. A very useful book!

My wife and I separated in June of '10 after fourteen years & 3 kids. She was done with me. Her friends and relatives were done with me. I was devasted.

I must have bought 15-20 books during the next few months searching for an answer to recover my marriage.

To my dismay I found there are very few books out there that address recovering failed a marriage. The vast majority talk about how to "move on" and accept what happened. I didn't want any part of those books. Of those that advocate recovering, most come from the Christian community, so I bought them all, even though I do not consider myself a Christian in the usual sense.

This book was one of several standouts - deeply touching, sincere, non-dogmatic, and emminently practical. The other standouts are two books, another by Gary Smalley: "Winning Your Wife Back Before it's Too Late" and Gary Chapman: "Hope for the Separated; Wounded Marriages Can be Healed". Most of the other Christian books struck me as too dogmatic, guilt-oriented or rigid in their approach.

I studied these books continually while we were separated, practicing what they said, and re-reading random chapters for solace and hope when times got tough. Finally after 4 1/2 months, my wife could no longer resist the kindness, patience and sincerity I showered on her that were coached by these books. We reunited in October. I'm happy to say, my marriage is thriving now after 5 months back together, due almost entirely to the new perspective and behavior I learned from these books. I continue to practice what I learned and it keeps my marriage healty.

---HIGHLY RECOMMENDED---

Do what these books say. You don't need to be religious. Don't make excuses - change yourself. Your life will change and your wife WILL change. It worked for me, and probably would not have without this philosophy.

This book should be "required reading" before any state issues a marriage license to a man! Plain talk about how we men really don't understand how our wives "operate"... but Gary doesn't stop at the "how they work" and goes on to help us overcome our bone-headed ways and build a great relationship with our wives. I know, because I was one of the boneheads that had to read the book AFTER I had done all the wrong things. But, thank God, I was lead to this book, read it with an open mind and heart, and began practicing building a quality relationship with my wife. We've been married for nearly 27 years now, and are absolute best friends... and I attribute this book's affect on my life for a lot of the success I had in getting to this point! You won't be sorry for reading it... I promise!

What I have to say may get extremists on both sides mad at me, but -- oh, well. Here we go. I realize that this book was written for men, but I want to share my point of view as a female. I was a bit older when I got married, and my husband and I had to adjust to each other like any couple does -- and curiously enough, most of the adjustments we made had little or nothing to do with gender issues and more to do with having different habits -- and these are problems that can arise between two men or two women!

I have no doubt that if a man follows Gary Smalley's advice, he can greatly better the odds for having a good marriage. And I appreciate the fact that he admonishes men to face up to their responsibilities. There are many books out there that place blame completely on the woman -- and not all of them are religious ones. Now if I were a man, I'd probably find that the responsibility-taking bit would be the toughest part of the book to handle. It is difficult to admit when we're wrong. (By the way, admitting that you're wrong isn't just a problem for men -- we women have just as much trouble with it.)

However, I find myself uneasy when I encounter the following:

1. Blaming the problems on the relationship on JUST the man or JUST the woman. The adjustments my husband and I have had to make have sometimes been his "fault," and sometimes it's been mine. It would be fun to flirt with the idea that it's always "his" fault, but I know better. I think both men and women need to keep some perspective here. And in all fairness, I know that Gary Smalley and his wife are connected with other books that counsel women on their responsibilities, too. But it still isn't good to have a book be too one-sided for either gender.

2. I'm also uneasy about stereotyping the genders. I just don't think that it is all that cut-and-dried. I have a personal theory that men and women are equally emotional -- it's just that our culture either tabs certain emotions as "feminine" and others as "masculine," and/or makes it all right for one gender to express it but not the other (the most obvious one coming to my mind is that crying is supposedly inappropriate for men, and showing anger is a no-no for women -- even though both genders cry and get angry).

3. Probably tied into point two, let me mention that I've read a lot of lists about what men want from women -- and what surprised me is how many of those items were what I wanted from men, as well! It's wonderful to be cherished, but it's also wonderful when my husband respects my intelligence and mind. If a man wants respect, I understand completely, because I want it, too.

Perhaps the answer lies in a quote I read in the less-than-divinely-inspired-but-fun-to-read-book THE DIVINE SECRETS OF THE YA-YA SISTERHOOD. A mother advises her daughter (and a father could easily advise his son the same way): "FORGET ROMANCE. TRY GOOD MANNERS INSTEAD."

Oh, well -- romance works, too!