If I Were a Man, I'd Marry Me [Hardcover]

Paula Wall (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: August 3, 1999

It's no understatement when the Atlanta Journal & Constitution calls P. S. Wall "Erma Bombeck with attitude." Who else but Wall could blithely recount flying first class next to a call girl and trying on her fifteen-hundred-dollar "chocolate for your feet" shoes? "Oooooh, yes!" Now, America's wry new humorist--whose award-winning newspaper column "Off the Wall" is syndicated nationwide--casts her penetrating eye on everything from felines to Elvis, dieting to weed whackers, country living to sexy French tour guides. With her innate irreverence and sharp-as-nails sense of humor, she raises ordinary life to fiercely funny new heights.

Younger men: "If you fall in love with a younger guy, it's like trying to have a relationship with a jockey strap. There's just no give, and expansion is totally out of the question."

Speeding:  "Traffic police are a mystery to me. As far as I'm concerned, it's just not natural for a guy to stop a woman for going too fast."

Past loves: "Old lovers are like socks. They always show up full of static cling and missing their mate."

Convictions: "There's nothing I hate more than having my convictions put to the test. That's why I try not to have any."

Cars: "Buying a truck is like dating. If you're not careful, you'll end up paying for that test drive the rest of your life."

Politics: "In our neck of the woods, 'politically correct' means mounting your Rush Limbaugh sticker on the right side of the bumper."

There's just no stopping a woman with a "smart-aleck streak as wide as she claims her posterior to be." * Both acerbic and playful, If I Were A Man, I'd Marry Me is humor with a savvy sting.

* Minneapolis Star Tribune

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

As this collection of Wall's syndicated "Off the Wall" columns shows, the author has opinions about almost everything having to do with relationships. Wall (My Love Is Free... but the Rest of Me Don't Come Cheap) and her friends can spend endless time and energy discussing, complaining and laughing about the men in their lives. In "The Mattress Authority," Wall recounts an overcrowded flight. After upgrading to first class and leaving her companion (referred to as Sweetie), she finds herself seated next to a hooker ("Actually, I prefer escort"). For the rest of the flight, Wall listens carefully as the escort shows off her $1500 custom-made Italian stilettos and talks about the advantages of waxing over shaving. In "Dress," Wall describes how many outfits she must try on before pleasing Sweetie. "Help me out here," she says. "What am I aiming for?" To which Sweetie replies: "Oh, you know... conservative, without concealing the fact that you're a woman. Sophisticated, yet playful. Worldly, but Made in America." In "Faithful," Wall reports that a woman named Gloria, who's working on her husband's political campaign, wants to know if she's being unfaithful if she dreams about another manAin this case, Al Gore(!). Funny and amusing, Wall delivers her insights lightly and never takes herself too seriously. (Aug.)
Copyright 1999 Reed Business Information, Inc.

From Booklist

Wall, who shares her off-kilter comments on life and love, men and women, friends and family in the syndicated column "Off the Wall," here offers a second collection of jaundiced gems. (Her first was My Love Is Free . . . But the Rest of Me Don't Come Cheap, 1997.) The opening section takes on the absurdities of how men and women get along together, from mowing the lawn and doing the laundry to breast enhancement and falling in love with a younger man. Wall's friends and acquaintances take it on the chin in a section headed "With Friends Like These, Who Needs Drugs?," while family members (including family pets) are the subject of "The Nut Doesn't Fall Far from the Family Tree." Two brief samples: "Getting Personal" opens with "You know you've been out of the dating scene a while when you think DWM is a German car," and "Old Lovers" declares "Old lovers are like socks. They always show up full of static cling and missing their mate." Light, entertaining reading. Mary Carroll

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Hardcover: 240 pages
• Publisher: Ballantine Books (August 3, 1999)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0345430328
• ISBN-13: 978-0345430328
• Product Dimensions: 8.2 x 5.8 x 1 inches
• Shipping Weight: 12.8 ounces
• Average Customer Review: 4.9 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (10 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #1,584,943 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

4 of 4 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Hillarious, April 7, 2006

By 

Maritsa "anything fun is worth knowing about" (Tujunga, CA) - See all my reviews

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This review is from: If I Were a Man, I'd Marry Me (Paperback)

Walls takes life and makes it into stories you can laugh about. The hooker story is the first and it is hillarious as the others. They are cleverly written. Read all of her works with girl friends.

4 of 4 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars We Have Wall Moments Now, August 10, 2000

By 

Mary Carol Moran (Tallassee, AL USA) - See all my reviews

This review is from: If I Were a Man, I'd Marry Me (Paperback)

The other day, my husband and I got a crazy waitress at a Shoneys. As we walked outside after lunch, we burst into laughter and agreed that we'd just had a Wall Moment. I could almost read the article she would have written about the incident. Buy this book, and soon you'll be having Wall Moments too.

If I Were A Man, I'd Marry Me draws you into P. S. Wall's slightly skewed universe. The same things happen to her that happen to all of us -- she finds and writes about the absurdity, the humor and the craziness of ordinary life. I'll never look at a dipstick or chocolate brown shoes the same way again.

Wall's book is filled with friends and family you want to be part of. You follow Rosie and Maxine and even Cat from adventrue to mis-adventure with constant chuckling, but also a growing sense of familiarity. These are your people. I met Sweetie once at a conference -- believe me, he lives up to his hype.

Though consistently out there, Wall's universe remains grounded in reality. She doesn't avoid tough questions -- "If you dream about another man," one character asks, "is that being unfaithful?" Of course, the man they all dream about turns out to be Al Gore -- go figure. Wall tackles emotional insecurity, the tribulations of being single, the difficulties as well as the rewards of marriage. Perhaps that's what makes these essays more than just fun to read once. Like Mark Twain or Erma Bombeck, P. S. Wall writes about our real lives, and we want to return to her again and again.

You can catch P. S. Wall at uexpress.com, and I'd travel 1000 miles to her her speak in person -- she's that good. But right now, for a good healthy dose of vintage Wall, buy If I Were A Man, I'd Marry Me. I guarantee you'll laugh on every page, and pretty soon you'll be having Wall Moments too.

3 of 3 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Super Southern humor!, November 29, 1999

By 

Ronda Rich, author of What Southern Women Kno... (Georgia) - See all my reviews

This review is from: If I Were a Man, I'd Marry Me (Hardcover)

P.S. Wall is just as funny in person as she is in print. She's the kind of storyteller that you want to take home, sat her on the hearth and let her entertain you for the rest of your life. This writer is a well kept secret who is destined to become one of the great Southern humorists of all time.