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If You Had Controlling Parents: How to Make Peace with Your Past and Take Your Place in the World [Paperback]

Dan Neuharth
4.7 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (56 customer reviews)

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Book Description

September 8, 1999

Do you sometimes feel as if you are living your life to please others? Do you give other people the benefit of the doubt but second-guess yourself? Do you struggle with perfectionism, anxiety, lack of confidence, emotional emptiness, or eating disorders? In your intimate relationships, have you found it difficult to get close without losing your sense of self?

If so, you may be among the fifteen million adults in the United States who were raised with unhealthy parental control. In this groundbreaking bestseller by accomplished family therapist Dan Neuharth, Ph.D., you'll discover whether your parents controlled eating, appearance, speech, decisions, feelings, social life, and other aspects of your childhood—and whether that control may underlie problems you still struggle with in adulthood. Packed with inspiring case studies and dozens of practical suggestions, this book shows you how to leave home emotionally so you can improve assertiveness, boundaries, and confidence, quiet you "inner critics," and bring more balance to your moods and relationships. Offering compassion, not blame, Dr. Neuharth helps you make peace with your past and avoid overcontrolling your children and other loved ones.


Frequently Bought Together

If You Had Controlling Parents: How to Make Peace with Your Past and Take Your Place in the World + Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life + Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You
Price for all three: $35.70

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Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review

Controlling parents can leave lasting scars on your psyche and negatively influence all aspects of your adult life, especially the ways you parent your own children. Understanding and rising above these problems is the subject of If You Had Controlling Parents, read by the author, clinical psychologist Dan Neuharth. Moving slowly and carefully through the material, Dr. Neuharth gives you time to process and reflect upon topics such as why parents overcontrol and how you can gain autonomy in your life. Specific exercises at the end of the tape will help you to change the patterns set by controlling parents and deal with situations like family holidays, maintaining relationships with your parents, and developing your own parenting style. (Running time: three hours, two cassettes) --Sharon Griggins --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

From Library Journal

Although the term "controlling parent" most often brings to mind a domineering parent, there are actually several ways in which a parent may use control. Labeling the types as smothering, cultlike, abusing, using, depriving, perfectionistic, chaotic, and childlike, Neuharth describes the characteristics of each, giving examples. The emphasis is on understanding parenting behaviors and their effects, as the author asserts that understanding is the key to future therapeutic success. The final section describes some steps, e.g., emotionally leaving home and writing down one's experiences, as coping techniques. These ideas are not innovative, but, as self-help materials are always in demand, this would be a beneficial purchase for most public libraries.?Susan McCaffrey, Haslett H.S., MI
Copyright 1999 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

Product Details

  • Paperback: 272 pages
  • Publisher: Harper Perennial (September 8, 1999)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0060929324
  • ISBN-13: 978-0060929329
  • Product Dimensions: 8.2 x 5.4 x 0.7 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 7 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.7 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (56 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #93,006 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Dan Neuharth PhD is a marriage and family therapist and best-selling author. He has more than 20 years' experience counseling couples, families, and individuals. Dr. Neuharth is a frequent presenter and facilitator and has been featured extensively on national media including Oprah, Good Morning America, and CNN.

His books, If You Had Controlling Parents: How to Make Peace with Your Past and Take Your Place in the World (HarperCollins Publishers) and Secrets You Keep From Yourself: How to Stop Sabotaging Your Happiness (St. Martin's Press) have been published in English, French, Japanese, Korean, and Danish.

Dr. Neuharth has a psychotherapy practice in the San Francisco Bay area and offers worldwide consultations by email or webcam. His website is http://www.drdanmftcounseling.com. He is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (CA Lic. #MFC29178) and clinical member of the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, and the Marin Chapter, California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists.

Customer Reviews

I actually feel happy, and a great sense of hope. "lovinlife8"  |  7 reviewers made a similar statement
Most Helpful Customer Reviews
88 of 91 people found the following review helpful
Format:Paperback
I am a fifty-one year old single parent and college professor who, on the outside, appears to have a successful life. My career goals have been met--twice--and my appearance is one of a confident female in her field. My two children are in college and doing well in this age of disconnectedness between parents and children,

What my friends and colleagues do not see is my inner life of poorly chosen relationships, broken dreams, self-hate, and fear of failure. After years of therapy, I knew that there was something not right in my original family--sibling agression, phobias, etc.--that I feared confronting. Through Dr. Neuharth's book, I targeted the problem and now know I am not unique in being a child of controlling parents, and that my siblings are struggling with their own self-doubt and fear. This book takes a simple approach to understanding a complex problem by explaining why so many of us are still struggling with just trying to grow up. What a revelation!

I recommend this book to anyone who feels there is a problem with themselves but are not able to put their finger on the reason and who would like to finally do so. The format of checklists with dialog cuts to the chase without having to read through volumes of related literature.

I have sent copies to my brothers and sisters and can now feel 'okay' about my decision to put space between my parents and me while I learn to deal with the situation. This was the best book I have ever read to sort out the "whys" of my feelings: a definite 'MUST-READ'!

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86 of 90 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars fantastic book May 20, 2004
By A Customer
Format:Paperback
This book was written for those of us who grew up in an unhealthy environment, and had parents who controlled us in unhealthy ways. The author emphasizes working through our issues as adults, not playing "blame games." Interviews with people from all walks of life are liberally quoted throughout each chapter.

What makes this book exceptional is that the author is advocating education and change, not revenge. He shows how examining your parents' history in detail can help you heal and move forward as a fully functioning adult free to make decisions based on something else than what your parents' would say.

Controlling parents don't have to be outwardly abusive nor do they always have malevolent intentions towards their children. However, trauma stays with a person and its after-effects can be passed on to the next generation.

The author clearly contrasts unhealthy with healthy parenting and offers checklists to help the reader. He explores why people overcontrol, and he provides exercises to help the reader work through his or her feelings. Most helpfully, he reiterates that it was not the reader's fault, and it is not required that the reader change - but if he or she begins to explore that possibility, it can lead to great rewards.

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115 of 125 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars A spark of hope has entered my life........ January 7, 2000
Format:Paperback
This book is one of the best self help books I have read in a long time. It dealt more with the emotional than the physical abuse in childhood. I have always had a hard time because to me emotional abuse specially when mixed with religion can be so easily justified in your mind. You can feel like "something is really wrong here", but then in the same breath say "well they love me so much and are just obeying God and what he requires of parents". I have been eaten up with guilt for the rebellion against my parents that I displayed as a teenager. Now though I realize I rebelled against their control, not against them inorder to hurt them or make them miserable. I read this book, started seeing a therapist and confronted my parents and let me tell you how much freedom I feel for the first time in life. I actually feel happy, and a great sense of hope. What do I owe my parents? Why am I so fearful of hurting their feelings? Why can't I just do what is healthy for me? The book answered these questions and the exercises were wonderful. We need more books like this one because obviously there is a problem in parenting that needs to be looked at and changed fast! Kids are becoming more violent, less respectful of authority, and completely losing any conscience what-so-ever. So if I can break the generation sin that has been passed down for generations, then I am thankful I was put in the home I was put in and strong enough to SURVIVE!
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Most Recent Customer Reviews
5.0 out of 5 stars Eye-opening!
I grew up in what looked and felt like a very "normal" family. I am an only child, so many of the experiences that I had I always related to having an over-protective... Read more
Published 27 days ago by kolelynn
3.0 out of 5 stars mixed feelings
it is very hard for me to review this book. I am the victim of controlling and abusive parents. I was so controlled by them I did not know their doing was wrong. Read more
Published 1 month ago by Sy
5.0 out of 5 stars Great book
Dan is an awesome author for doing what he does. This book really address what many from dysfunctional families are going through, and was instrumental in helping me with my... Read more
Published 2 months ago by Nicole Lee
5.0 out of 5 stars Easy to read..
This book is easy to read and will help you get over issues you may have with controlling parents. If only we could get parents to read this book when their kids are young!
Published 2 months ago by S. Williams
4.0 out of 5 stars Great Beginning Research
This book helped me back up and look at what happened in my house growing up. The way my parents treated us and also the way they treated each other. Read more
Published 4 months ago by KPowell
5.0 out of 5 stars A good read for anyone coming from a dysfunctional, controlling home...
This book opened my eyes to the heartbreak a controlling mother can cause for generations. A long time ago I married into a family with a controlling mother. Read more
Published 4 months ago by Christine Villarino
4.0 out of 5 stars Okay read
Nothing I really hadn't heard before. Was an alright book with decent info. Some stuff opened my eyes, I guess.
Published 4 months ago by nomdeplume
5.0 out of 5 stars A Briliant How to Manual for Human Behavior
This book helped me make peace with my parents and self-solve issues that I've had since childhood. I was able to let go of my anger, stop a compulsive drinking habit, and get... Read more
Published 8 months ago by Stephen K. Moss
5.0 out of 5 stars The BEST SELF HELP BOOK of ALL TIME.
If you are like me, or you were, a self help material junkie, always purchasing the "new" book, and always going in circles studying material like:
-Napoleon Hill
-Tony... Read more
Published 9 months ago by Mike B
5.0 out of 5 stars One star for each copy I have bought...
This book has changed my life and many of my family members. I can't convince you that this book is right for you or even give it an objective review. Read more
Published 19 months ago by Roxy B.
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