Customer Reviews

If You Had Controlling Parents: How to Make Peace with Your Past and Take Your Place in the World

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3 star:		(1)
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1 star:		(1)

 

 

This book was written for those of us who grew up in an unhealthy environment, and had parents who controlled us in unhealthy ways. The author emphasizes working through our issues as adults, not playing "blame games." Interviews with people from all walks of life are liberally quoted throughout each chapter.

What makes this book exceptional is that the author is advocating education and change, not revenge. He shows how examining your parents' history in detail can help you heal and move forward as a fully functioning adult free to make decisions based on something else than what your parents' would say.

Controlling parents don't have to be outwardly abusive nor do they always have malevolent intentions towards their children. However, trauma stays with a person and its after-effects can be passed on to the next generation.

The author clearly contrasts unhealthy with healthy parenting and offers checklists to help the reader. He explores why people overcontrol, and he provides exercises to help the reader work through his or her feelings. Most helpfully, he reiterates that it was not the reader's fault, and it is not required that the reader change - but if he or she begins to explore that possibility, it can lead to great rewards.

I am a fifty-one year old single parent and college professor who, on the outside, appears to have a successful life. My career goals have been met--twice--and my appearance is one of a confident female in her field. My two children are in college and doing well in this age of disconnectedness between parents and children,

What my friends and colleagues do not see is my inner life of poorly chosen relationships, broken dreams, self-hate, and fear of failure. After years of therapy, I knew that there was something not right in my original family--sibling agression, phobias, etc.--that I feared confronting. Through Dr. Neuharth's book, I targeted the problem and now know I am not unique in being a child of controlling parents, and that my siblings are struggling with their own self-doubt and fear. This book takes a simple approach to understanding a complex problem by explaining why so many of us are still struggling with just trying to grow up. What a revelation!

I recommend this book to anyone who feels there is a problem with themselves but are not able to put their finger on the reason and who would like to finally do so. The format of checklists with dialog cuts to the chase without having to read through volumes of related literature.

I have sent copies to my brothers and sisters and can now feel 'okay' about my decision to put space between my parents and me while I learn to deal with the situation. This was the best book I have ever read to sort out the "whys" of my feelings: a definite 'MUST-READ'!

This book is one of the best self help books I have read in a long time. It dealt more with the emotional than the physical abuse in childhood. I have always had a hard time because to me emotional abuse specially when mixed with religion can be so easily justified in your mind. You can feel like "something is really wrong here", but then in the same breath say "well they love me so much and are just obeying God and what he requires of parents". I have been eaten up with guilt for the rebellion against my parents that I displayed as a teenager. Now though I realize I rebelled against their control, not against them inorder to hurt them or make them miserable. I read this book, started seeing a therapist and confronted my parents and let me tell you how much freedom I feel for the first time in life. I actually feel happy, and a great sense of hope. What do I owe my parents? Why am I so fearful of hurting their feelings? Why can't I just do what is healthy for me? The book answered these questions and the exercises were wonderful. We need more books like this one because obviously there is a problem in parenting that needs to be looked at and changed fast! Kids are becoming more violent, less respectful of authority, and completely losing any conscience what-so-ever. So if I can break the generation sin that has been passed down for generations, then I am thankful I was put in the home I was put in and strong enough to SURVIVE!

This was the first book I bought to help me get through the long journey of healing that I am beginning now after years and years of abuse. I started to read it and couldn't put it down. I was reading so much about my own life that I couldnt wait to see what else it said. I come from a family of emotional, verbal and physical abuse and have constantly struggled with feelings of anger, sadness, resentment and guilt. This book opened my eyes to alot of things I didn't know but also made me feel like I'm not crazy, this did happen to me and I have a right to feel how I do. It helped myself feel stronger and stern about having my own emotions and not ignoring how I feel. I definitely think this book can help you learn if your parents controlled you and what you should do about it now, especially if they are still doing it. I think that this book can help, but I think that someone who has gone through what is discussed in this book, should also seek therapy to heal as well.

I read this book in just a few days and I'm so glad I did. It helped me finally clearly see the problems of my childhood. I felt before that I had somehow gotten stuck while I was growing up. But aside from a vague feeling that my parents hadn't let me express myself much, I felt that *I* was flawed and had somehow messed things up for myself. I didn't make the connection until I read this book. It brought everything into focus for me, and I see now that my parents fit the descriptions of controlling parents to the letter. I answered "yes" on all but a few of the quiz questions. I can look back and see things now so clearly, how my parents controlled, limited and confused me in just about every aspect of life. I thought normal parenting was that way before, having nothing to compare it to. It helped me to validate my own experiences as a victim, and stop feeling that I was just over-reacting or too sensative. Society seems to say so strongly that it's wrong to blame others for your problems, that it's the easy way out - finally this book says that it's ok, and it's the truth. And yet the beauty of this book is that it doesn't condemn the parents who control their children. I came away from the book with a feeling of sympathy and kinship for my parents as children who went through horrible and painful childhoods of deaths and beatings and abuse. And I feel that one day after I have fully worked through my anger and pain of how my childhood was, I can forgive and find peace with my parents because now I understand why they were the way they were.

I have been dealing with the damage caused by my controlling parents since I was 18. All my friends use to tell me, " It's in the past, get over it". Easy for those Jocks to say. My parents(both dad and "GOD FEARING" mother)used to say the classic lines: I BROUGHT YOU INTO THIS WORLD AND I WILL TAKE YOU OUT, HONOR YOUR MOTHER AND FATHER..FOR YOUR DAYS SHALL BE LONGER, and my favorite YOU OWE ME LIFE. My biggest fears of getting married and having kids was that one day I will find myself saying one of those phrases to my children. Thanks to this book..I won't. The problem with people who grew up controlled(like myself) is that you find yourself doing the same thing to your siblings, your friends, or even your own children. Thats what happened to me. I could also write a book title "MY PERFECTIONISTIC BEHAVIOR and the FRIENDS I LOST. Kudos to Dr. Neuharth and thank-you for providing the book with exercises to help in the healing process. You are definetly a life-saver. I'm going to purchase the cassette also so I can play in my car and hear the good doctor's voice.

This book is perfect for those who are ready to understand how their parents controlled them so that they may regain control of their own lives. This book is the only book I have read that led me to discover who I really am and want to be. It also helped me to reconsider how I might parent my own children since I have obviously learned unhealthy methods. This book provides practical, therapeutic exercises for those who are ready and willing to go through the pain and joy of discovering life and themselves from a new perspective and helps you understand why you are the way you are. I have recommended this book to therapists for their clients as well as to my friends and family members who had controlling, dysfunctional parents. This book literally changed my life, made me feel lighter as I allowed myself to release the anger and sadness, and showed me a new world I had never seen before.

So many self-help books are badly written, offering warmed-over rehashes of what's been said many times, or giving simplistic "Dr. Laura"-type answers to complex problems. IF YOU HAD CONTROLLING PARENTS is one of the most original, well-written, thought-provoking books I have read. This book provides the most penetrating understanding of dysfunctional family dynamics I've ever seen. I understand my controlling mother and "strong, silent" father on so many more levels than I thought possible after reading this book. The author gives many examples, exercises and questions, all of which encourage you to think for yourself -- which is particularly good after a lifetime of being told how to think.

While many self-help books help you understand a life problem but offer few tools to solve it, nearly half of this book is dedicated to offering wonderfully original ways of both healing and problem solving -- giving readers many ways to grow instead of some simple-minded pat formula.

This book does a wonderful job of describing several overcontrolling parenting styles, and the influence they have on those growing up under each style. The author does a great job of contrasting healthy parenting with unhealthy parenting, then providing realistic guidance in addressing the impact. This book is appropriate for those who just happen to have suffered a moderate degree of overcontrol/inappropriate parenting as well as those who were subject to extensive overcontrol. If your problems are more severe, such as ongoing sexual abuse while you were growing up, this book might only be a start, but a great one that will well prepare you to get a grasp on the parenting influence as you go further.

This is the only book that I have read regarding growing up in a painful childhood that made complete sense to me. I couldn't believe how much I related. Before I read the book, I was asking myself if I had an abusive childhood. After all, my parents were always telling me that they loved me. But, they only said it with words, never showed it with actions. I was not physically or sexually abused. I was emotionally abused and severly neglected. It all made sense to me when I realized the controlling nature of my parents fit into the abuse category. I strongly identified with this book. I realized that I was right in my feelings that I had an unhealthy childhood. This book was very validating and liberating for me and it was easy to read. It was not filled with a bunch of over-my-head language. I read this book about 5 or so years ago, I think. But, it has been an invaluable resource for me.(...)When I need more information or resources, I usually end up on his website.