I'm OK-You're OK [Mass Market Paperback]

Thomas Harris (Author)

Book Description

Release date: April 1, 1976

"Happy childhood" notwithstanding, most of us are living out the NOT OK feelings of a defenseless CHILD wholly dependent on OK others for stroking and care. By the third year of life, says Dr. Harris, most of us have made the unconscious decision I'M NOT OK-YOU'RE OK. This negative Life Position, shared by successful and unsuccessful people alike, contaminates our rational ADULT potential -- leaving us vulnerable to the inappropriate, emotional reactions of our CHILD and the uncritically learned behavior programmed into our PARENT.

In personal Transactions, NOT OK people resort to harmful withdrawal, rituals, activities, pastimes, and games for getting needed strokes while avoiding painful intimacy with people they see as OK.

Dr. Thomas A. Harris's pioneering work in Transactional Analysis has had a fundamental impact on our understanding of interpersonal behavior. In showing us how to make the conscious decision I'M OK-YOU'RE OK, he has helped millions of despairing people find the freedom to change, to liberate their ADULT effectiveness, and to achieve joyful intimacy with the people in their lives.

Editorial Reviews

About the Author

The late Thomas Harris was a Navy psychiatrist and a professor at the University of Arkansas. He practiced psychiatry in Sacramento, California and directed the Transactional Analysis Association.

--This text refers to the Paperback edition.

Product Details

• Mass Market Paperback: 320 pages
• Publisher: Avon; 1 edition (April 1, 1976)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 038000772X
• ISBN-13: 978-0380007721
• Product Dimensions: 7.2 x 4.3 x 0.8 inches
• Shipping Weight: 7.8 ounces
• Average Customer Review: 4.3 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (86 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #733,330 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Most Helpful Customer Reviews

76 of 80 people found the following review helpful

4.0 out of 5 stars Deep insight on the inner workings of relationships. April 6, 2003

By Harinath Thummalapalli

Format:Mass Market Paperback

Using the Transactional Analysis theory first introduced by Dr. Eric Berne, Dr. Thomas A. Harris has published the results of his pioneering work in this best selling book. This is probably one of the best books that explains how to use this theory in improving all kinds of personal relationships.

Dr. Harris starts off by going into the history of Transactional Analysis and the theories of those before Dr. Eric Berne. The second chapter explains the basic of Transactional Analysis which is the concept of the Parent, Adult, and Child ego states that are supposed to compose each and every one of our personalities. The Parent ego state contains all the information we accept as true that we have gathered from authority figures including our parents. The Adult ego state is the collection of all information that we have proven to ourselves as being true (using some sort of logic). The Child ego state is our natural good and bad side of feelings - love, anger, greed, empathy, etc. The author extensively uses the phrase P-A-C (Parent-Adult-Child) through the rest of the book.

Dr. Harris then introduces the concept of the four different life positions that each of us adopts at any given time. All of us apparently go through four life positions ending up with the last one in a sequential manner except some of us get stuck in the earlier stages (this results in problems that typically need therapy). These four positions are -

1. I'm Not OK, You're OK
2. I'm Not OK, You're Not OK
3. I'm OK, You're Not OK
4. I'm OK, You're OK

The next few chapters of the book focus on the fact that we can change no matter what stage we are stuck in and the theory behind how to change. The chapters after that focus on a few specific types of relationships - with spouses, children and adoloscents.... There is then a chapter discussing when treatment is necessary and the book wraps up with a couple of chapters on P-A-C with regards to moral values and social implications of P-A-C. These last two chapters are more subjective and probably the author's personal views at that time. I have typically tried to take the information in these two chapters with a grain of salt.

Overall, this is an excellent book on using Transactional Analysis in improving your relationships with the most important people of your life. I found this book easier to read than 'Born to Win' or some of the original works by Dr. Eric Berne. This seems to be a common sentiment among those who have read and like books on Transactional Analysis. More than most self-help books out there, this book promises to lead to the most amount of positive changes. This is probably due to the systematic approach that is followed through out the book and the fact that it is very easy to follow and implement at almost any age.

Enjoy this life altering book! Read more ›

30 of 30 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Very stimulating and enlightening book! December 13, 2000

By Nicodemus Chan

Format:Hardcover

I would recommend this book to anyone who wants to understand his or her behaviour in situations.

The "A-Ha" feeling you get when you start reading it comes when you understand why so-and-so makes you feel small or angry and why certain situations make you start playing some game.

It discusses the basic terminologies and vocabulary needed and then goes on to discuss in different social contexts and developmental contexts the application of Transaction Analysis.

This is not just a vague psychology book like Freud. It is extremely practical and insightful.

29 of 29 people found the following review helpful

4.0 out of 5 stars A very good book. November 21, 2002

By S. Bailey

Format:Mass Market Paperback

I read this book, and I would have to say that it is one of the best tools in understanding how and why people act the way that they do. I work with the public every day, and was at my wit's end with my customers and the way that they act. After reading this book I have a deeper understanding of their and my inner workings and have found my work life to be more productive and less confrontational. Great book.

31 of 32 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Great inspiration, regrettably titled. December 29, 2008

By dpan76

Format:Paperback

I believe I found this book abandoned in a box on my street, or was given it, or possibly even paid a dollar for it at a used book store clearance sale.

However I got it, I wasn't expecting much: I had heard the title & assumed it was some coddling, outdated '70s feel-good hippie crap, to be perfectly honest.

Instead it is about the most useful "self help" book I've ever read by far, though I haven't read many of that genre... let's just say it is the most useful book I've read in quite a while, one that I actually understood & was inspired by &, even more amazing, find myself applying.

The gist is, we all have competing forces in us, except that instead of the Freudian Id, Ego & Superego (which I never felt too excited about), we have P-A-C, Parent, Adult, & Child.

Now I'm not sure, but I think this might be the origin of the irritating & irrelevant (to me, at least) concept of "getting in touch with your inner child," but the way this is presented in the book is anything but facile or condescending, & relevant to just about every human being I know.

We start off as a child, obviously, and this Child voice seeks instant gratification, & pleasure, it avoids pain, & it thinks it's the Center of the Universe.

As the child learns it can't have its way, as it is blocked in various ways, limited, as desires are denied, it creates the Parent, the Voice that Knows, knows when to punish, to withhold, to control, to prescribe, to explain, etc.

The idea is that most of us are existing as little more than those two forces fighting it out inside of us, moment to moment. The Parent that wants to be in charge & control & know it all, & the Child that wants to relax & indulge & have it his way, right away....

[Uh-oh, I'm going into this too deeply, losing reader's interest...]

In short, the Adult is the part in us that can consciously examine itself, ourselves, both the "mindless" hungers & fears of the Child, as well as the authoritarian, simplistic, inflexible & often archaic voice of the Parent. It can pick & choose &, in the moment, do what's best, what's really appropriate.

When reading this I noticed all sorts of things that harmonize with Buddhism, & realized at one point, after finishing the book & giving it a lot of thought, that the Parent-Adult-Child concept is more or less perfectly analogous to the Clinging-Mindfulness-Aversion concepts, respectively.

At first it seemed a fusion, a synthesis of Buddhism & Western psychology, but now I just think that it contains ideas from both, & goes in its own unique direction with them... and goes far.

Hopefully I've not rambled too much. I think this book applies to every human being, describes all of our struggles, & gives some pretty decent answers to how we might better approach them. & that really says it all. Read more ›

16 of 18 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars It works July 4, 2000

By Artem Naumov

Format:Mass Market Paperback

This is a must read for people who want to understand themselves and other people better. I agree that the idea of child-adult-parent may not reflect the exact way how our brains work but it provides an easy-understandable terminilogy to describe and think about our behaviour. The most interesting thing in any reading is not just getting some information but thinking about what you read and this book opens you a new way to do it. It really works for me, thanks to Thomas Harris and Eric Berne.

11 of 12 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Being OK November 6, 2006

By Robert Pavelsky

Format:Mass Market Paperback

Thomas Harris' book is on my top five list of books dealing with how to live a full and complete life. In an age when self-esteem is a major problem for so many people Harris has given a useful, easily understood, and applied solution. In this book he talks of the four options for our life stance, and then develops in a very convincing way why I'm OK-You're OK is the most reasonable, rational choice. In my counseling practice spanning 35 years this was the book I most frequently recommended.

Bob Pavelsky, Ph.D.