Customer Reviews

I'm OK--You're OK

5 star:		(23)
4 star:		(8)
3 star:		(4)
2 star:		(3)
1 star:		(1)

 

 

Using the Transactional Analysis theory first introduced by Dr. Eric Berne, Dr. Thomas A. Harris has published the results of his pioneering work in this best selling book. This is probably one of the best books that explains how to use this theory in improving all kinds of personal relationships.

Dr. Harris starts off by going into the history of Transactional Analysis and the theories of those before Dr. Eric Berne. The second chapter explains the basic of Transactional Analysis which is the concept of the Parent, Adult, and Child ego states that are supposed to compose each and every one of our personalities. The Parent ego state contains all the information we accept as true that we have gathered from authority figures including our parents. The Adult ego state is the collection of all information that we have proven to ourselves as being true (using some sort of logic). The Child ego state is our natural good and bad side of feelings - love, anger, greed, empathy, etc. The author extensively uses the phrase P-A-C (Parent-Adult-Child) through the rest of the book.

Dr. Harris then introduces the concept of the four different life positions that each of us adopts at any given time. All of us apparently go through four life positions ending up with the last one in a sequential manner except some of us get stuck in the earlier stages (this results in problems that typically need therapy). These four positions are -

1. I'm Not OK, You're OK
2. I'm Not OK, You're Not OK
3. I'm OK, You're Not OK
4. I'm OK, You're OK

The next few chapters of the book focus on the fact that we can change no matter what stage we are stuck in and the theory behind how to change. The chapters after that focus on a few specific types of relationships - with spouses, children and adoloscents. There is then a chapter discussing when treatment is necessary and the book wraps up with a couple of chapters on P-A-C with regards to moral values and social implications of P-A-C. These last two chapters are more subjective and probably the author's personal views at that time. I have typically tried to take the information in these two chapters with a grain of salt.

Overall, this is an excellent book on using Transactional Analysis in improving your relationships with the most important people of your life. I found this book easier to read than 'Born to Win' or some of the original works by Dr. Eric Berne. This seems to be a common sentiment among those who have read and like books on Transactional Analysis. More than most self-help books out there, this book promises to lead to the most amount of positive changes. This is probably due to the systematic approach that is followed through out the book and the fact that it is very easy to follow and implement at almost any age.

Enjoy this life altering book!

I read this book, and I would have to say that it is one of the best tools in understanding how and why people act the way that they do. I work with the public every day, and was at my wit's end with my customers and the way that they act. After reading this book I have a deeper understanding of their and my inner workings and have found my work life to be more productive and less confrontational. Great book.

I recently finished reading this book. This is really a great book and gave me some insight into my own behaviour. It would be fair to say that this book has great value to those who get through first 3 chapters and understand the theory behind rest of the book.

Some reviewers have written about the validity of the theory iteself. While I am not qualified to comment on these reviews, one thing I can definitely conclude is that this book provides a solid base to those who are trying to understand their own behaviour and trying to achieve improvements in it. A theory, that too developed quarter century ago, can not be expected to stand 100% vindicated today. The more importent question is what use you are trying to put it to. So may be for a psyciatrist this is not a great book but for a layman like myself this book explains most of the things. After reading this book I could find out why I behave the way I behave mostof the times. To a certain extent I learnt to control my responses. Also I have a feeling that the claims made by Dr. Harris might be quite right in 1972 in light of the knowledge, then prevalent.

Second objection seems to be dividing 5 or 6 billion population in 4 types of people. I think this conclusion is far from correct. Dr. Harris has repeated said that most of the people belong to "I am not ok and you are ok" category. Out of the remaining 3 cattttegories 2 are shared by people who have not had proper childhood and the fourth is achieved by enlightenment of an individual. The objective here is not to merely categorize, but to show that how most of us have the common position "I am not ok and you are ok". Now this should not be taken as a gross simplification of human nature, but as a fundamental problem in human psycology that prevents one from producing rational responses.

Third critisism on this book stems from the fact Dr. Harris seems to quote philosophers with whom he does not agree 100%. It seems ludicrous to suggest that one must agree 100% with somebody else to merely quote a subsection which both of them agree upon. I don't think Dr. Harris wrote this book to declare to the world that he belongs to or believes in a certain academic thought 100%. The books surely derives from various thoughts put forward by various intellectuals (with whom he does not agree 100%) for the benefit of the reader. To call this approach pretentious is pretentious iteself.

I feel that reader should not by biased by comments made by reviewers. Read this book with an open mind. Read the chapeters on PAC and marriage, PAC and children, PAC and social implications, PAC and moral values. In this world that is becoming more and more crooked every other day, it tries to teach something good (and this good is not subjective or relative but absolute). Thanks.

This is a must read for people who want to understand themselves and other people better. I agree that the idea of child-adult-parent may not reflect the exact way how our brains work but it provides an easy-understandable terminilogy to describe and think about our behaviour. The most interesting thing in any reading is not just getting some information but thinking about what you read and this book opens you a new way to do it. It really works for me, thanks to Thomas Harris and Eric Berne.

I believe I found this book abandoned in a box on my street, or was given it, or possibly even paid a dollar for it at a used book store clearance sale.

However I got it, I wasn't expecting much: I had heard the title & assumed it was some coddling, outdated '70s feel-good hippie crap, to be perfectly honest.

Instead it is about the most useful "self help" book I've ever read by far, though I haven't read many of that genre... let's just say it is the most useful book I've read in quite a while, one that I actually understood & was inspired by &, even more amazing, find myself applying.

The gist is, we all have competing forces in us, except that instead of the Freudian Id, Ego & Superego (which I never felt too excited about), we have P-A-C, Parent, Adult, & Child.

Now I'm not sure, but I think this might be the origin of the irritating & irrelevant (to me, at least) concept of "getting in touch with your inner child," but the way this is presented in the book is anything but facile or condescending, & relevant to just about every human being I know.

We start off as a child, obviously, and this Child voice seeks instant gratification, & pleasure, it avoids pain, & it thinks it's the Center of the Universe.

As the child learns it can't have its way, as it is blocked in various ways, limited, as desires are denied, it creates the Parent, the Voice that Knows, knows when to punish, to withhold, to control, to prescribe, to explain, etc.

The idea is that most of us are existing as little more than those two forces fighting it out inside of us, moment to moment. The Parent that wants to be in charge & control & know it all, & the Child that wants to relax & indulge & have it his way, right away.

[Uh-oh, I'm going into this too deeply, losing reader's interest...]

In short, the Adult is the part in us that can consciously examine itself, ourselves, both the "mindless" hungers & fears of the Child, as well as the authoritarian, simplistic, inflexible & often archaic voice of the Parent. It can pick & choose &, in the moment, do what's best, what's really appropriate.

When reading this I noticed all sorts of things that harmonize with Buddhism, & realized at one point, after finishing the book & giving it a lot of thought, that the Parent-Adult-Child concept is more or less perfectly analogous to the Clinging-Mindfulness-Aversion concepts, respectively.

At first it seemed a fusion, a synthesis of Buddhism & Western psychology, but now I just think that it contains ideas from both, & goes in its own unique direction with them... and goes far.

Hopefully I've not rambled too much. I think this book applies to every human being, describes all of our struggles, & gives some pretty decent answers to how we might better approach them. & that really says it all.

I was put off by the title of this book until someone I respected a great deal recommended it. The first chapter is a little hard to wade through as the general principles are explained, but after wading through that I found myself exclaiming "Yes! Exactly!" as I read through. It gave me a great deal of food for thought as I recognised aspects of my own personality and the people around me. Because the basic principles were simple yet effective, the book's message has stayed with me, helping me communicate more effectively with family, friends and workmates.

I read this book when I was eleven years old, and somehow, I was just old enough to understand it. While Freud uses smoke and mirror terms like "id", "ego" and "super ego", Harris uses simple terms like "child", "adult" and "parent", meaning roughly the same thing but being more accessible. He starts the book off with a chapter on experiments that were performed, involving electrical stimulation to certain areas of exposed brains during surgery. These experiments yielded some of the first and most important discoveries ever made into how our minds work. Then he uses the findings to explain the rest. This is good stuff, beautifully done. Having read this book almost thirty years ago, I can promise you, you'll never forget this one.

Thomas Harris' book is on my top five list of books dealing with how to live a full and complete life. In an age when self-esteem is a major problem for so many people Harris has given a useful, easily understood, and applied solution. In this book he talks of the four options for our life stance, and then develops in a very convincing way why I'm OK-You're OK is the most reasonable, rational choice. In my counseling practice spanning 35 years this was the book I most frequently recommended.

Bob Pavelsky, Ph.D.

The author starts the book with a chapter on experiments that were performed, involving electrical stimulation to certain areas of exposed brains during surgery. These experiments purportedly yielded some of the first and most important discoveries ever made into how our minds work. Then he uses the findings to explain the rest of his theories. But, further research by me into these claims showed that the claims were exaggerated, speculative and did not have the acceptance of modern day neuroscientists. I continued reading the book making allowances for the fact that nuggets of Truth may still be hidden under mounds of speculation and media hype.

The author borrows from Eric Berne, MD, the ideas of Transactional Analysis, which assumes the basic scientific unit of psychotherapeutics to be `The Transaction'; and the concept of `Parent' `Adult' and `Child'. Then Dr Harris theorizes that we live our lives according to one of four life positions.

While all this may seem to be true at the first glance, a moment of rumination indicates that this is a gross simplification of the human nature. It is indeed audacious on the part of Dr Harris to categorize all the 5 Billion plus individuals into four, albeit dynamic, basic types. Like a modern day `scientific' version of the 12 zodiac signs, readers are sure to go through the book minutely wanting to classify themselves into the categories and seeking to look into their own nature and their angst ridden past present and future.

Next he seems to say, "Wait, you are not condemned to live in any one of these four categories, you can change. Come to me, I shall teach you how..".

The most interesting and useful part of the book is when the author talks of children, marriage in the chapters `P-A-C and Marriage' and `P-A-C and Children'. The chapter on marriage is particularly insightful. The impact of TA can be felt in the most intimate relationships, as they are fully embodied in day-to-day transactions. Cross indexing with the classic TA book `Games People Play' makes the reading even more fruitful and offers amazing angles of analyzing and bettering our relationships. I was amazed by the range and depth of Dr Eric Berne's `Games People Play', specially the last chapter - Beyond Games. Dr Harris does a superlative job in the section ` The Establishment of Goals' of the chapter `P-A-C and Marriage'. Here he talks of various issues that threaten to rupture the delicate fabric of a peaceful and loving marital life. -the balance of realities of life like materialism and desire compared to mortgage and bills. -the long term goals, -the considerations of moral values, ethics and religion. The Author offers solutions to the posed problems and they are worthwhile. The passage describing the complex P-A-C interactions in a marriage is masterly and is a comprehensive solution to the many ills that plague almost all the marriages at some point, in some form.

Another pitfall of Dr Harris is his propensity to quote a range of philosophers to suit his need and context. He quotes Sartre and Srren Kierkegaard but dissociates himself from their Phenomenologic Ontology, inspite of the fact that TA is an offshoot of Phenomenology. The Author cannot be classified to belong to any known system of thought nor does he propose an alternative. But that does not stop him from taking their words in bits and pieces, perhaps to lend him an aura of wisdom. After all an MD has to play the wise old man. The most disturbing is the attempt at presenting the Christian Theology in a twisted way, for example, by drawing parallels of the Original Sin and Grace to his games, and getting away with sweeping generalizations.

Perhaps, the real gem of Dr Harris' book lies in its message that even the mundane transactions have psychological underpinnings that might indicate dysfunctional childhood experiences and unhealthy adult thinking patterns, all of which can be changed for a better and enriching future for each of us. But his claims that TA is a complete theory of psychotherapy and the solution to all the psychological and psychiatric ills of the day is exaggerated and is not supported by the modern day shrinks. This book typifies the multitude of books on pop psychology, self-help and self confidence -good for a two week boost, and one gets down to one's old self.

Finding your place in life turns out to be much more than education and childhood guidance. It is a journey that you must discover and rediscover where you came from. Thomas Harris ferrets out the dangerous yearnings we have failed to comprehend as adults. He gives us a place to see how it all began, a way to find ourselves, an approach to understand our predicament. Equipped with an understanding of background, we can build a lifetime of hope upon it.

In his concept of the self-awareness/self-worth paradigm, he clearly identifies four life views: I'm not OK, you're not OK, I'm not OK, you're OK, I'm OK, you're not OK and I'm OK, you're OK. How we feel about ourselves and how we relate to others really determines how well adjusted we are in the world. Reflecting on these four views, the book gives us hope.

The book, however, gives us more than hope, enriching our spirit with a wonderfully crafted writing style, entertaining us at the same time. I found that I could not put the book down until it was finished. I think I read the whole thing in one sitting. For those who believe that a memorable book is worth recommending, I don't think a year has gone by without my having thought about its significance.