I'm OK, You're My Parents: How to Overcome Guilt, Let Go of Anger, and Create a Relationship That Works [Hardcover]

Dale Atkins (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: April 15, 2004

A guilt-free guide for adults seeking more satisfying relationships with their parents

In a recent study, half of all Americans rated their relationship with at least one parent as either “poor” or “terrible,” and more than a third felt this way about both parents. As life expectancy continues to rise and the parent-child relationship extends further into adulthood, this problem is becoming more prevalent than ever. Now, psychologist Dale Atkins presents a step-by-step plan for adults trying to come to terms with parents who are only human—before it is too late.

In I’m OK, You’re My Parents, Atkins applies the same intelligent, no-nonsense approach that’s made her a frequent guest on top-rated TV shows. She urges a restructuring of the relationships between adults and their aging parents and gives practical, specific advice on how to exorcise the demons of anger and resentment, untangle financial arrangements that cause stress and feelings of powerlessness, set limits on your parents’ demands for time and attention, turn a spouse or friends into a powerful resource, overcome your own resistance to change, and discover the redemptive power of humor.

This book draws on Atkins’s twenty-five years of experience as a relationship expert to present a comprehensive guide to repairing difficult relationships, gaining control, and building a life that you and your parents can live with for years to come.

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Psychologist and media commentator Atkins draws on her experiences with clients to offer a prescriptive program to adults who have difficulty dealing with their parents. She describes a variety of common ways adults handle these relationships, such as still craving approval from parents, preferring to have as little contact as possible with them and feeling overwhelmed by the responsibilities of being a caretaker to aging parents. Atkins is extremely helpful when discussing these situations. She uses specific examples to help readers identify. She explains, for instance, that daughters and sons may be sending messages with their body language: "realize that changing your body language with [your parents] can be one of your most effective tools of persuasion, because body language is, for the most part, subliminal. Your parents may not know what's different about you, but they will register this change deep down." Atkins's detailed suggestions of behavior modification are sound, but her suggestion that readers do a fair amount of psychological exploration may turn off some. The book's last section, however, on troubleshooting, brims with valuable advice. It offers advice on what to do when "They Manipulate Me with Health Crises (Real and Imagined)"; "They Make Themselves a Little Too Much at Home"; "They Think I Am a Bad Parent"; "They Manage to Slip an Insult into Every Conversation"; "They Want Too Much of My Time"; and other common complaints. 10 b&w illus.
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

From Booklist

Atkins, a licensed psychologist, media commentator, and frequent Today Show guest, draws on 25 years of clinical experience to provide helpful advice for adults seeking more satisfying relationships with their parents. In easy-to-read, jargon-free language, she shows how readers can rid themselves of residual childhood anger and resentment, free themselves from destructive financial entanglements with parents, avoid manipulation via health crises, and gently set limits on parental demands for time and attention. To build a loving relationship with parents, the author asks that readers take stock of and alter their own behavior, which, she suggests, will trigger positive changes in parental behavior and will help readers build loving relationships in spite of past experiences. Atkins provides exercises and clear explanations that will help calm many a volatile adult child-parent relationship and prove helpful to many readers. Recommended for libraries with a high number of patrons providing parental care. Kathleen Hughes
Copyright © American Library Association. All rights reserved

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Product Details

• Hardcover: 336 pages
• Publisher: Henry Holt and Co.; 1st edition (April 15, 2004)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0805073531
• ISBN-13: 978-0805073539
• Product Dimensions: 9.3 x 6.3 x 1.3 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1.4 pounds
• Average Customer Review: 4.7 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (6 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #1,138,664 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

23 of 23 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars How adults can learn to relate better with their parent, April 26, 2004

By 

Harold McFarland (Florida) - See all my reviews
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This review is from: I'm OK, You're My Parents: How to Overcome Guilt, Let Go of Anger, and Create a Relationship That Works (Hardcover)

In the wake of a multitude of books about how our parents have created all of our emotional problems comes this book that points out the fact that blaming someone is not a solution to problems. The focus of the book is to take that next step and find ways that you can move through guilt and anger and create a working relationship with your parents. To this end the book contains lots of examples from Dr. Atkins' actual patient files. It also includes exercises to work through, questionnaires to help you understand yourself and your relationship with your parents, and various lessons to illustrate the principles involved.

The first part of the book focuses on you. It includes an examination of ways to take control of your life so your past doesn't control your present, how to deal with guilt and parents who use it to control you, and anger.

The next part changes focus to your parents. How did they grow up? What did they go through as they were growing up? What was their life like? The focus is on developing empathy so you can use it to develop forgiveness. One of the most important points of the chapter is realizing that your fantasy parent doesn't exist. Not only do they not exist but also those fantasy perfect parents that your friends seemed to have were not perfect either. Two of the coping techniques covered in this chapter include creating reasonable expectations for yourself and your parents and creating appropriate boundaries.

The last section discusses the most common problems when dealing with parents. For example, some of the problems covered include the bait and switch technique, manipulating you with a health crisis, becoming easily offended when you don't share personal details of your life, putting you in the middle of their problems, or using money to manipulate you.

If you have a troubled relationship with your parents and are seeking to change, you should consider picking up a copy of "I'm OK, You're My Parents".

8 of 8 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars I'm One of Those Parents, and I want to be OK too!, July 6, 2004

By 

nancy miller (Los Angeles, CA) - See all my reviews

This review is from: I'm OK, You're My Parents: How to Overcome Guilt, Let Go of Anger, and Create a Relationship That Works (Hardcover)

I predict this book will become one of the classic self-help best sellers, and it should! Dr. Atkins writes from years of expertise in counseling young (and not-so-young) adults who are looking for ways to improve their relationships with their parents. Not "bad, awful, terrible" parents, but mothers and/or fathers who sometimes intrude, impose, ignore, invade, and/or may be insensitive to (or unaware of!) some of the needs, wishes, interests, and/or opinions of their adult children. The book is filled with a wide range of parent - adult child issues that will ring many familiar bells for probably most of us. Dr. Atkins' approach is articulate, optimistic, and practical, and is fun to read. I was sure she was writing about my own parents in several chapters, and I wish I had had access to these ideas years ago, instead of just rolling my eyes, silently mumbling and grumbling, planning visits carefully, censoring how much of my own life I shared with them. And they were actually pretty darn good parents - we just couldn't communicate about a lot of "stuff" from their generation to mine. After reading Dr. Atkins's book, I ordered a copy for my adult daughter! She's reading it now. Gulp!

8 of 8 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Relationships Can Improve!, July 7, 2004

By 

Millie Mason (Trenton, New Jersey United States) - See all my reviews

This review is from: I'm OK, You're My Parents: How to Overcome Guilt, Let Go of Anger, and Create a Relationship That Works (Hardcover)

Despite your adult age, are your parents still driving you crazy? Dr. Atkins' can help! With engaging wit, she shares wisdom mined from years of experience helping people improve their relationships. Dr. Atkins helps us see and claim the power we have to make changes in ourselves that inevitably alter our relationships with parents. Her discussion of family dynamics comes to life through the many stories she shares. Dr. Atkins guides the reader through specific practices that will improve not only one's ability to deal with parents, but other significant relationships as well. If you are serious about improving your relationship with your parents, or with your adult children, this is the book to read.