I'm Perfect, You're Doomed: Tales from a Jehovah's Witness Upbringing [Hardcover]

Kyria Abrahams (Author)

Book Description

Release date: March 3, 2009

Raised as a Jehovah’s Witness, Kyria Abrahams’s childhood was haunted by the knowledge that her neighbors and schoolmates were doomed to die in an imminent fiery catastrophe; that Smurfs were evil; that just about anything you could buy at a yard sale was infested by demons; and that Ouija boards—even if they were manufactured by Parker Brothers—were portals to hell. .

When Kyria turned eighteen, she found herself married to a man she didn’t love, with adultery her only way out. “Disfellowshipped” and exiled from the only world she’d ever known, Kyria realized that the only people who could save her were the very sinners she had prayed would be smitten by God’s wrath. Written with scorching wit and deep compassion, I’m Perfect, You’re Doomed manages to be hilarious about the ironic absurdity of growing up believing that nothing matters because everything’s about to be destroyed..

--This text refers to the Paperback edition.

Product Details

• Hardcover: 352 pages
• Publisher: Touchstone; First Edition edition (March 3, 2009)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1416556842
• ISBN-13: 978-1416556848
• Product Dimensions: 9.2 x 6.2 x 1.2 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1.1 pounds
• Average Customer Review: 3.8 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (91 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #629,744 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

When Abrahams was growing up, her world was neatly divided between those who would live forever in a paradise on earth and all the "worldly" people her Jehovah's Witness family prayed for. Her congregation forbade Christmas and Halloween, aggressively shunned anyone who left the fold and taught children that birthday parties were of the devil. For kicks in her early teens, Abrahams would go witnessing door-to-door with her pal Lisa, a die-hard J-Dub. This acerbic, witty memoir chronicles the first 23 years of Abraham's life with candor and a good dose of comedy. Unlike other memoirs written by the disenchanted, Abrahams musters some affection for her decent but screwed-up family, and even for the religion itself. Where the story hits a rough patch is in her account of her late teens and early 20s, when she dropped out of high school; rushed into a disastrous teen marriage; fell into alcohol, drugs and adultery; and finally "fired Jehovah as [her] personal bodyguard" and became an apostate divorcée. None of this is particularly funny, and Abrahams's tale of self-destruction ends abruptly enough that readers will wonder how she managed to pull herself together. (Mar. 3)
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From Booklist

*Starred Review* Given that Abrahams is now a stand-up comic and spoken-word poet, it makes perfect sense to begin her very funny memoir with her performance debut at the Pawtucket, Rhode Island, Kingdom Hall, at age 8 (her presentation was about freedom from demon possession). She describes the children’s books she read as a child as a cross between “Dr. Seuss rhymes and tales of how sinners would scream and gnash their teeth at Armageddon.” In her world, Smurfs were “little blue demons” and yard sales were enticements from Satan. As a bored teenager with OCD, she didn’t know what to do with herself or how to make sense of the world. On the verge of 18, she married a 24-year-old part-time college math teacher because, even if his interest in her was, at best, halfhearted, she wanted a boyfriend and didn’t know any other Jehovah’s Witnesses who liked her. Anyway, she reasons, “this is what adults did, and I was an adult.” It wasn’t long before she longed to be out of the marriage. Between threats of suicide, she tried to be “disfellowshipped,” or shunned, by her congregation, which proved surprisingly difficult to accomplish. Abrahams is a natural writer whose prose flows effortlessly as she easily mixes throwaway humor and painful memories in a compelling narrative. --June Sawyers

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Hardcover: 352 pages
• Publisher: Touchstone; First Edition edition (March 3, 2009)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1416556842
• ISBN-13: 978-1416556848
• Product Dimensions: 9.2 x 6.2 x 1.2 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1.1 pounds
• Average Customer Review: 3.8 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (91 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #629,744 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Most Helpful Customer Reviews

38 of 38 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars A Hilarious Yet Sobering Look at Where Being a Jehovah's Witness Led The Author, and Her Life as an Apostate February 6, 2009

By Rachel Kramer Bussel VINE™ VOICE

Format:Hardcover|Amazon Vine™ Review (What's this?)

Kyria Abrahams' I'm Perfect, Your Doomed, is a hilarious look at her youth as a Jehovah's Witness. With impeccable wit, she explores the precepts of the religion, as well as what her childhood was like immersed in it. At first, she doesn't question anything, and wants to obey every single rule because that's all she's known. It's clear from the first few chapters that part of being a Jehovah's Witness is about only associating with other Jehovah's Witnesses.

She takes us on a tour of the kinds of people she grew up with as part of her worship, seemingly full of eccentrics. Of one man, whom the congregation strongly suspected was gay, she writes, "We all know I'm sublimating my true sexuality, he seemed to be saying, so let's at least have a laugh about it. Also, I am dying inside." Sex, in fact, proves to be what ultimately gets her disfellowshipped; she has an affair, but when she tells her husband, he wants her to stay. She's young, alone, and has turned to cutting and alcoholism, neither a happy topic, but both she manages to use her humor to cut through what could be a very sad story. In this way, Abrahams manages to mock herself and her situation, while making for an engaging story. She winds up finding herself within the slam poetry scene, full of its own eccentrics, but of a different sort. The gap between her former life and her poetry one is powerful, and she makes it clear that she's struggling (not stumbling, the Jehovah's Witness term for causing someone to falter from their faith) with who she really is, outside the confines of what she's known her whole life.

Abrahams takes us inside her life as a Jehovah's Witness, from going door to door to recognizing, as she gets older, just how different she is from her peers.... When she witness a birthday party, she's genuinely shocked that it is not the bacchanalia she's been prepared for. This and many other revelations cause her to slowly lose her grip on the religion. She doesn't portray it as a single catastrophic event, but a slow realization, via the Internet (remember AOL chat rooms?) and a stint in a mental hospital, that she is not happy and wants to try something new.

Some of her best lines have nothing to do with Jehovah's Witnesses; they're just plain funny. "I knew the snowsuit was embarrassing and almost always unnecessary, but it was like wearing a warm mug of cocoa over my entire body."

We don't quite get to find out how she came to be a comedian, but that's okay. Her glossary at the end offers more than enough humor (in fact, numerous laugh out loud moments). Feel free to read it first. Of "Field Service," the practice of preaching door-to-door, she writes, "Possessing a quiet reverence for creation and a personal sense of the divine, only without the quiet or personal part."

I would have liked to know what her current spiritual beliefs are and if she has any contact with her family (presumably not since she's been disfellowshipped), but she manages to end on a hopeful note, one that sees her starting life over. While I'm sure Jehovah's Witness who might read this (even though they're not supposed to) would find it potentially offensive, I don't think Abrahams' humor is meant to completely poke fun at her former religion. Rather, she knows it's an oddity amongst most Americans and yet was still involved with it for just over half her life. Read more ›

27 of 27 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars excellent, excellent book.. September 6, 2009

By lisa

Format:Hardcover|Amazon Verified Purchase

this book made me deeply sad while at the same time deeply comforted..
unlike the author i wasn't raised from birth as a witness but i spent a little more than 20 years as one.. from about 14 to 35 years of age.. my expierence differs in some aspects but what is consistent in all former witness stories is that upon deciding you no longer want to remain a witness (regardless of your reason) you cease to exist to those you formerly called family.. poof! you're gone from their lives.. those who once loved you no longer speak to you.. you are cut off as if you had died.. except you havnt.. you are alive and well and maybe, just maybe, a better person.. but that doesn't matter..
as my aunt who raised me from 14 years of age said "it would be a compromise of my faith to continue to speak to you"..
if i returned to the fold all would be forgiven but barring that she could no longer have anything to do with me.. and she hasn't..
i cried with sadness and relief when i read the last paragraph of this book:
"these worldly, godless poets had loaned me money when i hadn't asked for it and had given me a place to stay.. when the people i had known for 23 years stopped talking to me, the people i had known for 23 days helped me move"
this was my expierence as well.. when my family completely turned away from me it was a "wordly family" who took me in.. they never asked where i came from or why i was alone in the world.. they just took me in and loved me as if i were one of them.. amazing..
the author does a beautiful job of laying bare her tormented soul while a witness and then the difficulties of trying to fit into a world she knows absolutely nothing about.. the real world.. its a mysterious place to those of us raised in a closeted society like J.W's..... i applaud those who despite not knowing how to live in the world take a leap of faith and jump anyway.. its terrifying and intimidating and overwhelming but the feeling of freedom, of being able to finally breathe is worth every scary moment.. as this author confirms you will find your way.. people will help you and there is good in this world.. Read more ›

17 of 17 people found the following review helpful

4.0 out of 5 stars Well, at least I was on my way to being perfect, at one time. April 10, 2009

By Jennifer

Format:Hardcover

Kyria Abrahams was born and raised as a Jehovah's Witness. For anyone familiar with the religion, her upbringing was fairly normal. She was not allowed to celebrate birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, or any other holiday. She was also raised "knowing" that Christ's new way of things was on it's way and that the world was going to end at any time. Until her disfellowship she didn't think that she could survive without the hand of Jesus guiding her. This book takes an almost cynical look at her life. It also is complete with a glossary of common Jehovah's Witness terms the rest of us may not be familiar with.

I think the book was great. I lived part of my life with my grandmother and aunt who were Jehovah's Witnesses. Many of the things Kyria talked about in her book brought back some memories that I had all but forgotten. It was like I was taking a weird walk down memory lane. I think this was a great look at what life is like as a Witness, granted I had some "insider knowledge". Mrs. Abrahams uses wit and humor to explain some drastic events in her life. I loved the story, liked the writing, and I really connected with the characters. Overall it was a very good story!

14 of 14 people found the following review helpful

3.0 out of 5 stars Worth the Read but Having No Closure/Ending November 7, 2009

By L. Spencer

Format:Hardcover|Amazon Verified Purchase

Before reading this book I read the reviews already posted. Being a former JW myself, I thought it would be "refreshing" to read about this cult (who parades around as a legitimate religion) from a humorous standpoint. At first I was laughing out loud at her descriptions of doctrines and procedures as I had experienced them in the same way. Odd as they sound all these years later, somehow we all bought into them. As the book progressed and the author covered more of the darker things, it was less funny and I felt old pangs of negative feelings arise. I do think she was raised in more of a liberal atmosphere than many JWs are, so this gives the impression that JWs are more main stream than they really are. (Example, most JW parents would not even say the word "damn," and getting counseling from outside the religion is not usually condoned.) She did indicate how abusive parents are (both physical and mental) to their children, and she seemed to handle it better than many of us. We did not view ourselves as "special," but more "different" in an "outcast" sort of way. The treatment of disfellowshipped ones can actually be worse than she describes as her family did not entirely cut her off. Thank goodness for her she did not have children while married to a JW or else she would have more sad/bad stories to share. Not all JWs turn to drugs and sex when leaving, but the effect of years of brainwashing can be overwhelming and very difficult to handle. The process of being "dead" to one's family members and the only friends one has ever known (and been allowed to have) is devastating. Suicide is not uncommon, so it's understandable that other vices are used as replacements.... And, after finding out the real "truth" that "worldly" people are not out to murder or rob you, she learned that true friends accept you for who you are and are there to help you whenever you need it. (Not only if you follow their rules and do what they want you to do.) That seems to be the biggest surprise to all of us when we manage to leave, and that is how she chose to end the book. That is not the end of her story because that signifies a new beginning. I was disappointed that she did not give us more information on her life now after coming to that conclusion. Maybe a sequel someday after she gets to be a normal, worldly person, making non judged mistakes and learning life's normal lessons for awhile, perhaps? Worth the read. Read more ›