Customer Reviews

Imperfect Endings: A Daughter's Tale of Life and Death

5 star:		(35)
4 star:		(7)
3 star:		(1)
2 star:		(2)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

I couldn't in my wildest dreams have imagined a book like this! A book about a debilitated mother's determination to end her life and enlist the help of her daughters to do so. But here it is, and it's a captivating story told by one of the daughters, Zoe Fitzgerald Carter.

For Carter, the experience is emotionally draining. She is repeatedly dragged to her mother's bedside from the opposite coast, the date and method of "self-delivery" continually changing. They meet with a volunteer from the Hemlock Society, the "guide" who would ensure the suicide is effective, and to intervene and finish the job if it is not. The scenes between the mother, her daughters, her caregivers and friends are almost surreal, as the mother's determination grows and she lets more and more people in on her plan.

Carter and her sisters struggle to get their mother to see that her plan endangers their lives, leaving them vulnerable to prosecution and imprisonment. Not only that, but they want her to see that they love her and don't want her to die. Isn't that enough for her? Apparently not, a reality that sends the author into even more tangents of grief. Does her mother not even love them enough to stay around for them?

This is an acutely observed and finely written story. I literally could not put the book down. The reader comes to understand everyone's point of view, roots for both mother and daughters, can't imagine how the struggle will end. At first, I was put off by the author's anger, her snarkiness, her brusque treatment of her mother and even her ennui. But then I turned the situation in on myself: How would I react if it were me in her place? No better, I'm sure.

If you want to read a nonfiction book that deals with euthanasia from a theological and philosophical point of view, I would suggest The Right to Die?: Caring Alternatives to Euthanasia. It addresses a central point of this book: When does a person's right to die in his or her own way impinge on the right of another person not to assist in a suicide? Carter and her sisters wrestle endlessly with this issue. Even if the dilemma seems resolved at the end of the book, I imagine no life's ending is ever perfect even if rationally chosen -- as the title of the book hints at -- and the psychological reverberations for the daughters will never really end.

Zoe Carter writes a beautiful story about how she and her two sisters helped her mother die. No, they didn't help her die - "assisted suicide" - but sat with her in the summer of 2001 as she stopped eating and drinking. Margeret, Zoe's mother, had been suffering for years from Parkinson's and other ailments that were not getting better, even with medication. Margeret decided to end her life and tried to involve her three daughters - two cooperating more than the third - in assisted suicide from the Hemlock Society. After receiving a visit from the Hemlock Society's "facilitator", the three decided not to use the method he advised - basically taking helium through a mask. They "flirted" with using drugs like Seconal and morphine, but in the end, Margeret decided to stop eating and drinking. (Though she did try and fail a morphine overdose during her starvation period.)

Carter's book is half "current" and half flashback, as she writes about her parents (and their parents), her sisters, and her husband and two daughters. It's a well written book.

As an aside, I noticed that at least half of the five star reviews Carter's book has received on this site come from people living in California and Vermont and this is their only Amazon review. California - where Zoe Carter lives now with her family, and Vermont, where her family had a summer house. Ummm...

"Imperfect Endings: A Daughters Tale of Life and Death" by Zoe Fitzgerald Carter is a brave and important memoir on many levels. It's a remarkable story about Zoe, the care-giver's journey as a daughter, wife, and mother and a tribute to the joys and sorrows of her parents and two sisters. It also highlights the moral and practical dilemmas around Margaret, her mother's desire for an assisted suicide with her daughters present. Her mother said she was tired of living with Parkinson's disease and did not want to go where the illness was taking her.
As Zoe, "the good daughter," and her two older sisters negotiate their mother's choice old animosities and alliances are stirred up. Also memories of their now deceased father's alcoholism and philandering and their mother's strength, beauty and co-dependence.
Zoe's poetic writing captures the agony of ambivalence. Disapproving of her mother's determination to die yet wanting to support her. Understanding she's in pain yet wanting her around. Zoe confesses, "I've come to view this constant, inexplicable tenderness in my back as a physical manifestation of my mother...I've been hauling her around for so long, it feels like a part of me, an extra limb, so familiar I barely notice it."
When Zoe is unable to convince her mother to abandon her plans she supports her as best she can by helping her explore different suicide methods such as a lethal dose of drugs from a psychiatrist, meeting a representative from the Hemlock Society and refusing food and water.
"Imperfect Endings" is a powerful, passionate and uplifting story about love and letting go.

Zoe Carter's memoir about her mother's decision to die is a beautifully written account of
dealing with a charming and maddeningly headstrong parent wrestling with the end of life.
It is also much more: a fascinating family history, chapters alternating between the author's recollections
of her childhood and her account of her mother's final days; a moving meditation on the ironies
of family dynamics--how our past shapes us, and we shape our children's futures; and a detailed evocation of
a particular kind of life in a particular time and place. She grapples with the complex and ambiguous issues
that will become ever more commonplace as an aging population faces life being extended beyond the
capacity to live it in dignity and comfort. I recommend it highly. WG LOCKE

Imperfect Endings is a book worth taking the time to read as it's well written and very interesting. A book that takes a much deeper look at terminal illness, assisted suicide and it's affect on the entire family, immediate as well as extended.
This is not a book about whether assisted suicide should or shouldn't be allowed. This book is about a family facing the imminent death of a terminally ill mother who chooses to die her way (with dignity) and at her time of choice. The mother appears to be very selfish, always demanding things to be done her way, not taking into consideration how her children, grandchildren and in-laws feel, giving the reader the impression that she is the only one suffering.
The author makes the book more interesting by re-living childhood memories but in the process reveals a very dysfunctional family but she leaves no doubt about the love that flowed through the family.
Imperfect Endings is a good book, easy to follow and interesting enough to hold your attention. If you are considering reading I don't think you will regret it.

I enjoyed reading Zoe F. Carter's new book, "Imperfect Endings" yet I hesitated picking it up due to the subject. My dad has Parkinson's and needs constant care, and at times it is unbearable to watch. His children (my siblings and I ) feel helpless. Zoe's mother was brave and strong-willed with hard choices to make. The three adult daughters come to life in this memoir, as they are haunted by their own roles and common history. The writer's elegant use of words creates a three-dimensional story that won't soon be forgotten. The reader is wondering how the tale will end and at the same time, hesitates to bring the book to the end. Keep reading, it gets better as it goes along.

This book is so emotional. I absolutely loved it. It felt like it was my mom, too. I could see everything happening, felt so sorry for everyone having to deal with the impending loss of their mother in such a terrible way. Not that I have a problem with a sick person deciding on ending their life, I understand it. I'm 34 with MS, can't walk, have 2 kids (11 and 2) myself. I wouldn't want to keep living as sick as their mother is, either! I just feel sorry for her adult children, going through the ups and downs, ins and outs of their mother's decision and her changing her mind so much during the process.

The end of the book is comforting, to say the least. This must have been so difficult to write and I can see how it could be a healing thing to do, as well. Very well written, heartbreaking and inspiring. Definitely worth the read!

This is a sensational memoir. While predicated on her mother's decision to end her life after a prolonged and debilitating bout with Parkinson's, Zoe Carter draws a portrait of her family while transitioning back and forth to the issue at hand of letting a loved one die on their own terms.
While this book deals with an issue that has gained a certain notoriority in recent years as we see a spike in the number of aging americans plagued by all sorts of physical problems, Carter's account puts it out there on a highly personal level and gave me a lot to think about. I loved her description of meeting with a zealous rep of the Hemlock Society and a brief encounter with a psychiatrist who summarily supplied a prescription for Seconal with instructions on how to use it to accomplish the end result. Her transitions to her past and family history were as flawless and as natural as I have ever seen. She made me feel as if I knew her family and was somehow invested in the process of this planned death.
Her writing was descriptive without being wordy. I could see her parents without pictures and the family home on Ordway Street in DC seemed so vivid that I wondered if I had driven by it in the past.
I'd recommend this to anyone interested in assisted suicide or anyone interested in a well-written memoir. It's a great page turner and I whipped through this book without hesitation.

This book covers a complex subject (a mother's wish to be able to self-deliver at the end of her life) and her daughter (Zoe's) relationship to her mother's wishes which go against her own feelings.

It is beautifully written, and poignantly accurate on an emotional level. For anyone who has ever had to confront this experience- whether it be losing a parent, or a friend who wishes to end their own life because they are sick or near death-- this book hits all the issues.

I often found myself crying through the book because Zoe is so achingly honest and self-revealing. She does not try to paint a bright picture of this process but rather allows the reader to follow along with all the conflictual feelings and catch a rare glimpse of a rarely talked about experience.

This is a brave new work--- on a long overdue discussion. Bravo! Highly recommend.

Laura Rifkin, Ph.D.

I picked up this book and read the first page-and could not stop reading. Zoe Carter writes beautifully about the mother daughter connection, both with her daughters and the impending loss of her mother(with a big huge twist.)

Honest, frightening, heartwarming, funny (very funny) and thought provoking.