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Impossible Motherhood: Testimony of an Abortion Addict

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I'll say it now: Irene Vilar had fifteen abortions in fifteen years. That's the blunt opening one-liner that fails to tell the whole story of this beautiful and brave book. Impossible Motherhood: Testimony of an Abortion Addict is a memoir less about fifteen abortions than it is the story of a young woman who never got enough love.

At eight, Vilar watched her mother commit suicide by leaping out of a car. At twelve, she read The Diary of Anne Frank and felt scarred--not from the horror of the Holocaust, but because she so deeply understood the plight of a girl who lived in an attic and had to ask permission "to exist in that smallest of holes." At seventeen, far from her home and broken family in Puerto Rico, she began a sexual relationship with her fifty-one year old college professor that lasted eleven years.

In Impossible Motherhood Vilar does exactly what the best memoirists do: she tells us the truth about everything, even when the truth utterly confounds. How was it that she could allow herself to conceive unwanted pregnancies over and over again? What compelled her to pursue and eventually marry the domineering man who insisted that to be with him Vilar had to "endure the burden of freedom" by remaining childless, yet rather than get a vasectomy preferred to stand by while Vilar--who was not only painfully young, but often suicidally depressed--had abortion after abortion? In prose that's searchingly honest and gorgeously wrought, Vilar takes us into the depths of her psyche and family history, daring to tell a story that's unsettling and complex and ultimately redemptive.

It's when Vilar takes us most deeply into her story that Impossible Motherhood is most compelling, which is why I thought it unfortunate that the book opens with a foreward by the feminist writer Robin Morgan. There is nothing wrong with the foreward itself. The information Morgan presents about abortion and birth control and the forced sterilization of Puerto Rican women is interesting and relevant and her insights about the personal struggles Vilar writes about in the book are moving and apt. But I couldn't help but think that Morgan's words were there to legitimize Vilar's, to acknowledge and head off readers squeamish about a story that in Vilar's words, "is a perversion of both maternal desire and abortion, framed by a lawful procedure that I abused."

Her story is perverse in the truest sense of the word--it deviates from what is accepted as good and reasonable. And she tells it to us with courage and grace and a true writer's skill. By memoir's end, Vilar has carried a pregnancy to term and birthed a daughter who she loves as fiercely as most mothers do. The baby's birth is an occasion of joy that's made all the more meaningful by what it means to Irene Vilar: that after so much sorrow, she found a way to be born anew.

Impossible Motherhood is the memoir of a woman who had fifteen abortions in fifteen years. Although many will find the author totally unsympathic, others will read her story and understand what motivated her. Irene Vilar lost her mother at age eight, when her mother opened the car door while the car was in motion, throwing herself out and killing herself in front of her child. Having learned from her mother that a female should be pleasing to others, Vilar stuffed down her feelings about this event and channeled her emotions into her schoolwork, succeeding to the point that she is accepted to college at age fifteen.

Leaving her family behind in Puerto Rico, Irene attends Syracuse University in the Northern part of the United States, an environment as different from Puerto Rico as is imaginable. At fifteen, she is left by her father at the college, knowing no one, with little money and little life experience. Her family experiences are bleak. Her father is an alchoholic, who cheats on all the women in his life. Two of her brothers are drug addicts. Vilar falls under the influence of a professor at the university and ends up staying with him for a dozen years. He is sixty years old when they meet, and Irene is sixteen. He insists on his freedom, never paying her way but insisting that she pay for her food, and half of any vacations, as well as paying him rent. Since a child would tie him down, he insists on no children. His basic rule was that he took but did not give back to anyone.

Irene's only rebellion, as she saw it, was forgetting to use her birth control. Her pregnancies were acts of rebellion against this overpowering influence, a way of asserting her independance. Yet after a month or two, the thought of losing him overwhelmed her, and she would abort another baby.

This book, although it is hard to read at times, is recommended for all women; feminists,women caught in dependant relationships that are bad for them, mothers who want to avoid their daughters falling into this trap as well as any woman ambivalent about abortion. Vilar's life story shows the dangers of giving up independance and control of your life to anyone else, of needing someone so badly that you rebel against your ideals. The reader is simultaneously repulsed by the fate of all these babies and compelled to read further to hear how Vilar overcame this life and all it entailed.

Somewhere shortly after I began to read Impossible Motherhood: Testimony of an Abortion Addict by Irene Vilar, I turned to the back to see if there was an author picture. Such a beautiful woman, but with large sad eyes, even in this photo. As I read about her marriage, I wanted to alternatively "shake" her for allowing her husband to treat her so, and then "hug" her tightly as her mother and/or grandmother should have.

There is no doubt that a young 15-year-old woman who begins an affair with a much older man is searching for "something." There is both an honest account of her life with her husband, as well as a follow-up analysis of what was happening to her. Even though she later separated from her husband and went into the same type of defeating relationship with another man, by that time, Irene was already addicted--to abortion as a means of control.

Irene places her life within her cultural background. This is most significant--and not so significant. A need for women to gain some control over their own life has been documented for all women, not just one culture. I must say though that the activities about using the women in Puerto Rico to test drugs are a devastating reality that we must never forget! When will the time come when profits for corporations are no longer more important than people?

Childhood for Irene included her mother leaving the home in her early years. Two of her brothers were drug addicts, one dying from his abuse. Her father was a quiet alcoholic and while he seemed to be "there" for the family, his loss of his wife deeply affected the entire family.

When Irene was 15, she was allowed to go to the United States to begin college. As an intelligent woman, but young enough to be "moldable," she became the mistress of her professor. I can think of no other words to describe him than as narcissistic and selfish! In essence, he wanted his freedom above all else, wanted Irene to financially carry her own weight and had no desire to have children, making that quite clear but forcing Irene to be the one to deal with birth control.

Thus began the cycle. Irene could become pregnant, because she wanted children, but would abort within the time allowed legally...only to ignore her birth control pills or take them sporadically, until she was once again pregnant.

It is arrogance beyond belief what her husband did "in support of his freedom!"

It is stupidity beyond belief to allow it to happen...unless there are psychological issues that press someone into this type of self-destructive behavior. Irene Vilar freely shares her innermost feelings about her husband and others in her life. Many women become stupid when faced with things they cannot control, including myself!

I am so thankful that women are beginning to open up about sexuality and its impact on their personal life. God alone knows how many women are facing some type of psychological issue/result from sexual-related issues; and there are few, if any, church-supported actions created to help women with the terrible abuse they face.

If you have the least feeling for women's issues in the United States and other countries, you owe it to yourself to read this book. It is not fiction; it is a reality that must be explored and discussed...YOU must discover this for yourself!

G. A. Bixler

Irene Vilar was born in Arecibo, Puerto Rico. Her first memoir, The Ladies' Gallery, was a Philadelphia Inquirer and Detroit Free Press notable book of the year and was short-listed for the 1999 Mind Book of the Year Award. She is a literary agent and series editor of The Americas at Texas Tech University Press, and lives in Colorado with her husband and two daughters. Despite all these achievements, Irene Vilar also had fifteen abortions in sixteen years and tried to commit suicide seven times. And no, her latest book, Impossible Motherhood, is not fiction.

Looking at the cover it's easy to assume Impossible Motherhood is a sensationalist book. The "abortion addict" subtitle sounds like a strange marketing ploy, but Vilar shows that she was an abortion addict, similar to how her brothers were heroin addicts and her father an alcoholic womanizer. During her second abortion/suicide attempt, she almost bled to death. One of her last abortions was an illegal one in Puerto Rico inside a warehouse-like room. Vilar was at risk for cervical cancer and still had fecal matter from one of her pregnancies lodged inside her body.

But Impossible Motherhood isn't really about her abortions. It's about a destructive family legacy, self-mutilation, and, eventually, survival. Surprisingly, it reads easily and is a gripping book. Throughout I kept forgetting how many abortions Vilar had and kept hoping she would stop and save herself. In lesser hands this could have been an overwrought book, but Vilar doesn't sensationalize, or make excuses. Most readers will be able to relate to the universal themes of trauma, depression, grief, loss and self-destruction.

With Vilar's family background, it's amazing she's still alive and appears to be living a healthy life as a mother of two. Her grandmother is the famous Lolita Lebrón, the revered activist for Puerto Rican independence who sprayed the U.S. House of Representatives with gunfire in 1954. Before that dramatic act, Lolita sold herself to the owner of a coffee plantation when she was seventeen and later moved to New York City and worked in a sweatshop. One of Vilar's brothers was handicapped from a car accident and later diagnosed with cancer. The other two brothers were heroin addicts and one of them was beaten to death trying to get a drug fix. Vilar's mother was sexually abused by an uncle, married at age fifteen, and addicted to valium after a forced hysterectomy at the age of thirty-three. But most importantly, when Vilar was eight, her mother committed suicide in front of her.

Vilar describes the transforming moment of her mother's death and abandonment beautifully:

"When my mother opened the door of the small Mazda my father was driving on our way home from my brother Cheo's wedding, I called out "Mami!" and I remember the hard pull of her shoulder in my hand as I reached out. But abandonment began much earlier than her death. There are fragmented memories of waiting alone in deserted parking lots, beaches, smelly hallways of motels, my own bedroom. In all these memories, I'm waiting for my mother to come back."

After her mother's death, Vilar became "a guest child, waking up in different homes, among aunts, cousins, family friends...I had to beam a big smile at my generous hosts and ask permission to occupy some place in the world." She kept looking for connections, and a home. Once President Carter pardoned her grandmother and she returned to Puerto Rico, Vilar tried to get to know her better. She wouldn't let Vilar call her grandmother, or refer to her mother as `my daughter' or `your mother.' When Vilar asked her why, she said, "Tatita is her own person. She is not yours, nor mine." It's an interesting idea, but heartbreaking to a child who just wants to belong.

Amazingly, Vilar, the eager-to-please child, excelled in school and left Puerto Rico to attend college in the United States when she was fifteen. She became involved with her fifty-year-old professor when she was sixteen. He told Vilar, "I need an unformed woman, unfinished, with not too many wounds." He wouldn't give her a home, or pay for her meals at restaurants, even though she was poor and hungry, because he wanted to keep her a free woman. According to him, family and children kill desire, as does holding hands, and owning a home. Interestingly, he did marry her when she was twenty-one but wouldn't wear a wedding ring. After her brother was beaten to death, her husband said, her "moods would end up killing our love story." Thirteen of her abortions were with him. Her self-destructive behavior and abortions didn't end with her divorce.

It would be easy for Vilar to lose herself within her own story, but every character in Impossible Motherhood has depth. One of the saddest and most political moments is with one of her doctors. He was about to perform his fifth abortion for her and he reminded her "his clinic had been attacked with butyric acid. He...risked his life every day by coming to his office and supporting a woman's right to choose. But I was not choosing, was I?"

Like Vilar, I hope people don't use Impossible Motherhood to prove a political agenda. It's a personal, harrowing story about one woman overcoming a history of trauma, neglect, and self-mutilation to become a woman who can love and take care of herself, as well as her children. By the end of Impossible Motherhood, I wouldn't say Vilar has become redeemed, but instead hopeful and aware. There are moments of beauty and tenderness throughout the book, especially between Vilar and her father, and with the mother of one of her friends.

Impossible Motherhood is best summed up with what Vilar's father said to her after reading a draft of her first memoir, The Ladies' Gallery: "Honesty, Irene, is the only thing we can hold on to and know it won't let us down." Vilar proves this to be true. Ignore any preconceptions you may have and pick up Impossible Motherhood. You might even become a little more empathetic. I know I did.

[...]

Vilar possesses a brilliant intellect and a breathtaking and original grasp of her own psychology. As painful and exasperating as it was to read her testimony as the abortions piled up, it was also thrilling to be taken to such penetrating depths into another woman's motivations, and to see reflected there some of the impulses that drove me and other women I knew when I was younger. The most amazing feat of all: she articulates her situation so well that we not only understand and forgive, but are inspired to examine ourselves as unflinchingly and bravely as she does.

A frightening story of a woman with abandonment issues. Her mother committed suicide when Irene was very young.
The very bright but very bereaved young daughter achieved beautifully academically, but grew up stunted emotionally. Her father remarried quickly, leaving his children to their own devices.

As a sixteen year old attending an American university, Irene fell under the spell of a fifty year old professor, who espoused freedom while evading any kind of responsiblity. Her first pregnancy at sixteen ended in abortion, followed one month later by a second pregnancy and abortion. The abortions became a pattern of behavior, a type of self mutilation or cutting. Isabelle did not feel worthy of being a mother.

Self serving?? Yes. Pitiful?? Yes.

One waivers between wanting to shake some sense into this young woman or sitting beside her and drying her tears.

I was not let down by this book - I am pro-life, but this book offered a new perspective that gave me more understanding on what a woman can go through when dealing with the hard decision of abortion.

A starkly written, deeply personal memoir depicting the journey of a young woman leaving behind her troubled home life in Puerto Rico and starting a life of madness with an man over 30 years her senior. Vilar chose to have 15 abortions after 15 unwanted pregnancies during her time living in America, most but not all with the aforementioned man. The story begs larger than life questions regarding the hows and whys behind these choices and the seeming inability to learn from them. In order to even attempt to understand Vilar's behaviors, you will at least need to read her story once. The inherent problem I have with this genre is that although the writing is probably in most cases, somewhat cathartic to the author, the reader is left bereft. There is really no good way of putting the reader into someone else's perceived life, especially when that life is lived so differently from one's own. This affliction however does not seem to exist with other genres. The most one can hope to glean are any insights offered. Vilar offers several valuable ones that require a close watch. Towards the end of the book, we see after years of therapy, Vilar's honed ability to piece together the real and symbolic aspects of her life and weave together a path of reasoning that actually sounds credible. The story ends with an epilogue reading as short entries in a diary after Vilar gives birth for the first time to a daughter.

Ok so explain this to me as if I am a two year old. The grandmother tries to shoot people in the congress under the misguided belief that this
will somehow free puerto rico of the colonial control of the united states. Killing people always gets you what you want. Ask Macbeth how well that plan worked for him. Shakespeare has a whole gallery of characters that are demented.
Then later her own mother, who apparently was a wonderful person and very loving, commits suicide.
She leaves behind the author and her brothers who both become drug addicts and definitely aren't coping well with life.
So while this memoir or testimony as the author refers to it is honest, it is also scary and at times so illogical to read that one is left to wonder.
Beckett says that writing is a sin against silence( or words to that effect). Anyone who feels the need to write and is talented should do it.
While this memoir was honest it also wasn't helpful in explaining the behavior. Other than he said one thing and she did another and there was control going on here. She was under a spell. Intoxicated with man who was already in love with someone: Himself. The relationship was crowded from the beginning. And I wonder how these stories actually help women move away from men who treat them like slaves.
Do these stories make other women feel like it is hopeless or worse inevitable.
There is a book titled Love and Limerance. Love as a form of madness and obsession that produces illogical and destructive behavior.
She kept destroying the children and when she spoke about waiting until the second trimester it made me wonder why she had never succeeded in
killing herself. This story is obscene and sad and also at times boring. When she is quoting what other people said to her or what she was taught by
her lover those are some of the best lines. The rest was just pathetic noise that made me understand that abusing choice is utterly wrong. Not even the doctor asking her to consider his position and the risks he was taking to perform the abortions, not even that plea got her to stop. She could've had something implanted that wouldn't require her to remember to take a pill. Too complicated when you are consumed with what exactly. Distracted by the lover, she takes another lover. What was going on!!
I wish her well and the irony is that she has two daughters now. Oh how strange life can be. This story while true and well written didn't really instruct so much as serve as a what a cautionary tale. I hope it does something positive rather than reinforce the belief that women somehow are at the mercy of the unworthy men they love.

this is a book that everyone should read -- precisely because we can probably all agree that abortions are terrible things. irene vilar says nothing but that, but without the reductive politics of the usual debate. hers is a complicated, wrenching story about gender, nation, privilege and marginalization, the politics of health care and culture. i'm very much pro-choice but that's not what this is about -- it's a journey, a painful, scary journey, deftly written, that will make you reconsider everything.