Customer Reviews

How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It

5 star:		(64)
4 star:		(14)
3 star:		(7)
2 star:		(4)
1 star:		(5)

 

 

My husband (of nine years) and I are having trouble, and despite a couple of visits over the years to a therapist we both respect and like, we may be heading toward a divorce (his choice). I began reading this book, and then began reading it out loud to him. (I always read to him while he drives us to and from work; we've gotten through many, many history and philosophy books, and the very occasional marriage and intersex relations books.)

When I would ask if I should continue reading, he always said yes. (!) He was surprised and disappointed when I reached the end of the book. This book explains SO much about the conflicting ways we see things, and each other! Especially this, from page 196:
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The Compassion Paradox: If Available Whenever Needed, It's Rarely Needed

Research shows that when people - men and women - feel secure that compassion and support will be there if they need it, they are far more independent. Worry that it won't be available when needed creates a deprivation mentality. You can think of deprivation mentality the following way. If you haven't eaten for over a week, are you likely to hold out for a gourmet dinner and eat it with your napkin in place and cut up your food carefully? Or will you shovel whatever food you can get into your mouth as fast as you can? You're likely to resemble a hungry wolf more than a well-mannered diner. Well, the last thing you want is for your partner to be as hungry as a wolf for emotional support. That will make her think about her emotional needs all the time and want more and more attention, until it seems to you that she can never get enough. The trick is applying preventive compassion in small doses, so that she knows it will always be there when she needs it. Once she knows that, she will hardly ever need it.
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The book also discusses at length the physiological reactions of both sexes, and how that plays out in our reactions to each other. Starting at birth, males react more strongly, and act to avoid over-stimulation (hence, for instance, the boy baby looking away from a direct gaze way sooner than a girl baby who enjoys it. Boy babies enjoy it too, but it it too stimulating and so they must look away and look back to reduce their stress.) Girls and women "repair' relationship breaches and problems by talking; for men talking makes then feel worse (physiologically -- not emotionally or mentally...)

Fantastic book -- buy it whether you're married or not; it will help you understand ALL the men (and women) around you!

Honestly, this is probably a case of me buying the "wrong book" for my needs. I bought this based on the largely positive feedback. Upon reading, I discovered the book is largely directed to couples that have broken off communication altogether, are on the defensive with each other constantly, and are steps away from breaking it off. I gathered from the title that it would address communication barriers, certainly, which I believe men and women have between each other naturally. I just didn't realize the extent to which the author would build a case tying nearly everything wrong in a marriage back to the male's need for unabashed acceptance and glorification (i.e. not being shamed) and the female need for security.

I DO actually agree with the author that, in general, these are traits of the genders, accordingly. I just feel the book oversimplifies and generalizes things a bit too much. It paints men as neanderthals, unable (biologically) to communicate, while women are all incessant naggers and nit pickers.

In my own relationship, this simply isn't the case. No relationship is perfect, and certainly my marriage is far from it, but I (the husband) am quite often the instigator of relationship talk. She seldom nags, we do tell each other we love one another regularly, and there is a general respect and kindness in our home.

We certainly could use improvement in many areas, which I hoped to find in this book. Instead, by far and large, I found a certainly well developed case that shame and fear are at the core of nearly every relational challenge.

The book did have a few high points for me, which will make the $10 Kindle download pay itself back fairly quickly. The last chapter, a formula for marital improvement, is (although a bit hokey) more than likely a gold pot. It's a short list of super simple routines you can perform daily to demonstrate your love and build a stronger relationship. Also, buried within the rhetoric on shame and fear are some very true but ugly behaviors we nearly all exhibit, and some great ways to accept and acknowledge their root cause and

If your marriage truly is on the very brink of being over and done with, I would definitely read this book. If you feel, or have even been told, that you are the typical male that "never listens, never wants to talk and just shuts yourself off," this book is for you. Women, if you find yourself chasing your husband around the house trying to engage your husband in confrontation, are burdened with fear of not being protected, provided for, your dreams are being neglected, this book will no doubt be a great resource for you.

I learned a little, skimmed over a lot. I'm still searching for the best book on strengthening the marital bond (as opposed to pretty much restoring a marriage that has been so severaly neglected), intimacy, etc. Perhaps the secret is to do what I have been doing. . . . take in a lot of books, and extract a few "nuggets" from each one until you are properly armed.

I've never written a review, but five minutes after finishing this book I was logging on to Amazon to give some honest feedback to the potential shoppers out there wondering if this book is worth the money. First off, I'll let you know that it was WORTH EVERY PENNY (and I actually went out in the snow to get it at full price from a B&N bookstore in the middle of the night). This book puts into words exactly what I've been unable to express for the past 5 years of marriage. It describes not only what I've been feeling, it describes what my wife has been trying to get through to me, why I felt how I did, why my wife responded how she did, everything. I have a handful of relationship books from a variety of different authors, and none of the other ones were as useful or powerful as this one. The book doesn't just throw out a few "answers" and treat them as though they're intuitive facts. Instead it goes into supportive information for these simple "truths" that have elements that are physiological, psychological, biological, sociological, (and a few other -logicals to boot). I found it interesting to read about real life anecdotes, historical anthroplogical findings, and chemical brain reactions all on the same page.

The main idea of the book is to show how women are hypersensitive to Fear, Isolation, & Deprivation, and men are hypersensitive to Shame & Dread of Failure. When I actually sat back and thought about it I realized that almost all of my negative emotions can be traced back to either Shame or the Dread of Failure, and most of my wife's emotions fell into one of her F/I/D categories as well. This bit of information alone was useful and worth the the price. The book also goes into a chapter specifically for the male to understand the female point of view, and also one for the females. At the end there's a "Man to Man" chapter writeen by Steve that's interesting as well. The book spends a lot of time ensuring that the reader fully understands the power of our Fear/Shame emotions and how they're the basis for the disconnection that occurs so often in a marriage. Throughout the book there's advice for breaking the pattern, and the "secret formula" at the end seems so simple and yet is so hard to consistently do.

All in all it's a well-written easy to understand book that I thoroughly enjoyed reading and will be reading again soon to get a more in depth understanding of the material and to actually work through the various exercises and surveys.

I am a proud stubborn man, who is a husband of 5 years, and a father of 3 kids all under 5. I submitted to Marriage Counseling to make my wife happy. After a year, the counselor herself recommended this book. My wife read it first and to be honest I could NOT believe how much my wife had changed. We are both so passionate and extreme, we fight to the extreme and love to the extreme. After seeing how she changed after reading this book, I couldn't wait to get my hands on it. Let it be said that I haven't read a book by choice since probably middle school. Every night I would read 15 pages or so; AMAZED at how SPOT ON this book was. It completely enlightens you to things that you would never be able to know on your own. No blame is pointed, it is an equal opportunity blamer, etc. This book has saved my marriage, hands down. It even helped with the way I approach my kids.

As a relationship counselor I am always attempting to keep current on latest insights in my field. Since I was already a big fan of Pat Love and Steven Stosny I was curious to see this book. I knew it had to have good information and it went way beyond my expectations.

In short, this book is revolutionary! And, it runs counter to what most relationship books will teach you. The main message? The secret to improving your relationships is NOT about learning to communicate better or to share your feelings (something the authors say men dread to do. They would rather put their hand on a red hot stove, so asking them to share their feelings with you as a woman is one of the worst things for a relationship you can do).

What is the secret if communication is not the answer (though it can help). Simple. CONNECTION! When people feel connected to each other, communication is not as significant. When they don't even good communication skills (like "I" messages etc) won't help. For example, the authors share a classic scenario where a man comes home late from work tired and misses dinner. The woman feels upset and hurt that he is home late once again. Because they feel disconnected both get defensive. He defends having to work so much. She defends what she does to support him and how she doesn't feel appreciated. Things go down hill from there. What do both couples really want here? They want to feel connected. They want to know that the other person still cares about them. How does connection happen? This book gives a number of practical techniques, but they all begin with compassion! Only as you "step into the puddle" as the authors describe it, and are willing to feel compassion, caringm, and concern for your partner, will connection happen. I couldn't agree more.

Why do so few people do this? Because as the authors share, too many people worry that the puddle (the shame, fear, worry, etc) of their partner will be a lot deeper than it is. By learning to risk and see that it is almost always a puddle, not an ocean of emotion), will you develop the skill of stepping into the puddle of your partner's temporary mood with compassion and skill so you can assist both of you in stepping out of that puddle together.

Also illuminating is a deeper understanding of why men and women get defensive in the first place. The authors share that men have a strong need to provide and protect. When they don't, they feel like failures. If they don't know how to deal with this feeling in a compassionate way, they feel ashamed. Rather than feel shame, they start to defend, close down, and blame their partner for their bad mood or current life situation. Though it helps if a man comes to grips with his shame and learns to work with it on his own, it also helps if the woman he is with follows the techniques in this book, so she can learn not to trigger a man's feeling of shame. The advantage? He will be less likely to become defensive, close down, withdraw, and move into the blame or control game. (Control by the way is often triggered when men have a strong desire to protect their partner, but a high level of fear that they will be unable to, the authors suggest).

What happens when a man does not know how to work effectively with his feelings of shame? He triggers in the woman her feeling of fear. Both shame in a man and fear in a woman have biological roots that the authors detail well. For example, they reveal how women, even as small infants, are biologically programmed to feel and experience way higher levels of fear and anxiety then men do. If only men understood this, it would help them develop more compassion for how at a hormonal and biological level women suffer when they live in fear. What are women most afraid of? Feeling disconnected and all alone. After all, women are programmed biologically to seek connection and be in groups. This has helped them survive over the years (unlike men who were biologically programmed to cope with fear better so they could go off alone on a hunt). How can a woman feel alone? She can feel alone in her dreams. Alone in getting the kind of support (even help around the house) she needs. Alone at home. Alone on the outside of her partner's life (if he is always at work and doing other activities). Being alone helps a man sort out his life. It restores him. But, for many women, if they feel alone in a relationship, everything goes downhill. If men could recognize and appreciate this more, they would be much more careful not to use control, anger, intimidation, withdrawal, and blame in their relationships with women. They would also develop more empathy for women. And, they would find ways (like the very simple methods in this book) that would help them love and cherish their wives (and this is really important) without feeling like they have to turn into a woman to do this.

This is important because the authors relate how men dread having to do things to improve a relationship that make them feel like they are turning into a girl! The good news is, they don't have too. And, as men and women learn to understand each other, and become more compassionate with each other (without having to talk about it), their relationships dramatically improve.

In conclusion, I have respected these two authors for a long time. This is not "off the top of their heads" theorectical advice. The revolutionary insights in this book come from their decades of experience helping thousands of couples discover what actually WORKS to make relationships better. I know how moving beyond communication into connection and compassion have helped my life. And I am certain this book will help your life too! - Dr. Lisa Love, Beyond the Secret

I have a lot of books on relationships, marriage, and other related topics ("Hi, my name is Dan and I'm a bookaholic"). This one I recommend above all others.

The title got me hooked and the content kept me reading. I've worked with many couples where the husband and the wife look at talking about their relationship from vastly different perspectives. The wife believes that talking about the relationship is essential to its health. The husband would prefer to do anything but. In this book, we find out why and what to do about it.

To most women, the title of this book probably seems preposterous. The book tells us why: women fear isolation and deprivation and they manage stress, including the stress caused by their fear, by talking to others. Another author refers to this tendency as "tend and befriend."

To most men (those few who read self-help books), the title probably seems like a gift from above. The book tells us why: men fear shame and failure and they manage stress, including the stress of someone shaming them or wanting to talk about their failures, by using their "fight or flight" mechanism. That is, men either get angry or leave the scene, mentally or physically.

In other words, a wife's "We need to talk" sounds an awful lot like "I need to complain" to her husband.

Following this revelation (which, to me, was worth the price of the book all by itself), the authors (one female and one male) go on to emphasize connection and compassion over communication. They propose the "compassion paradox," which states that when people, men or women, feel someone else's compassion and support will be there when they need it, they naturally become less dependent on it.

The reverse of this, which describes most of the couples I see, implies that when someone feels deprived of another's compassion and support, they go after it with a vengeance. This seems especially true of women, who fear deprivation and disconnection. This leads me to ...

Advice to men: Apply "pre-emptive" compassion in small doses throughout the day, so she knows it will be there when needed. Then, she will hardly ever need it. Try it! It works!

Using what they call Core Values, the authors encourage both men and women to filter their worldview through the lens of what's most important to them. This, according to the authors, will soften one's attitude toward one's partner, thus allowing greater compassion and connection. Communication, former thought of as the Holy Grail of good relationships, then becomes less about the relationship (thus preventing stress for the man) and more a natural, integral part of the relationship. Greater satisfaction for all!

Lastly, in case some guy does pick up this book or gets it forced on him by you-know-who, the male author has written a chapter specifically for men, though women will gain from it too. It addresses the issue that many men fear related to their relationships with women: that they need to become more like a woman. (Hmm, I thought I just heard a door slam.) At any rate, Dr. Stosny relieves male readers of this requirement that goes against the strict code of maledom (a topic for another time).

I very highly recommend this book for:

- Women and men who want to improve their relationships with men and women, respectively, in any scenario including marriage. (Also, for men and women in same-sex relationships to better understand themselves and their partner.)

- Marriage counselors who want to improve their ability to help clients make lasting, meaningful, positive changes beyond providing "tools for communication."

On second thought, your reading this book might put me out of business! Never mind!

This book is a well written insightful workable guide to improving your marriage without those interminable talks that never get you anywhere.
I think it is the best book on marriage I have ever read.
It discusses the differences in our reaction to stress (tend and befriend for women, fight or flight for men). So just when we want to talk, he wants to isolate or starts a fight because he finds talking torturous. You may have noticed this with your husband. I have.
The book is full of good workable suggestions, too. Get it. You will be happy you did.
One of the other reviews was very negative, and it sounded like the woman was facing emotional abuse, and perhaps giving it too. Anyhow Steven Stosny has another excellent book, You Don't Have To Take It Anymore, about living with emotional abuse. It even has a Boot Camp in it for emotional abusers. He deals with compassion, not shame, as the solution. His books have changed my life. I can't praise them too highly.

I gave this book only 5 stars because that is as high as the rating system will allow. It provides both men and women with the means of understanding themselves and their partner in ways that lead to trust and respect toward themselves and each other. It is a truly empowering work for both men and women. The authors share their understanding grounded in years of practical experience working with relationships that have gone wrong and even suffer from abuse. The authors provide a basic understanding of the biological basis for the differences in the perception of men and women that create shame in men and anxiety (fear) in women. Knowing and appreciating the nature of these differences helps you understand and have compassion for your partner (and yourself!) when struggling. When you have compassion for others you would never knowingly harm them. Using the guidelines offered in the book help create a bond of mutual appreciation and understanding. Men and women have different "realities" created by evolutionary selection. This is a condition to be understood and dealt with compassionately. It is not a problem to be "solved" by making men more like women and women more like men. It acknowledges men and women are simply different, not wrong, not right, just different. The book provides various surveys that will help the reader become conscious of exactly what the differences are and what how to honor the differences. It offers many suggestions on how to prevent resentment from creeping into relationships. It also shows you how to maintain your own emotional well-being by discovering, developing and accessing your own core values.

In my opinion this book is finally something that I, as a man, can actually understand as to at least WHY I feel the way I do in a relationship sometimes instead of just having to deal with it or feel guilty about it afterwards. From the experience of reading this book and examining my and my wife's reactions and feelings that I can now see from over the years, it is clear that many, if not most of the time it is the issue of how most men and women deal with their innate fears that gets in the way of the connection and relationship. I honestly never really thought it was a fear/shame/failure issue on my part until having read this and seriously getting outside my head to see what I've done and how I've responded as well as how she has seemed to act.

Although it may not in the end save our scarred marriage of 27 years (although I truly truly hope that along with continued counseling it does) it has undoubtedly helped me understand my own and my wife's emotions and our reactions to those emotions and will undoubtedly help in any future relationships. Even if you spouse has not or will not participate in the book, I sincerely believe that you can improve yourself by reading this and using the basic concepts in your own life.

I have been married 10 years to a very wonderful man. My marriage has been suffering for about 2 years now and I am on the verge of a divorce (his idea). I have read book after book on the subject as my husband refuses to go to counseling. This is BY FAR the most informative book I have read. To my amazement, my husband has even read bits and pieces when I have not been home and has talked to me about it. This book not only outlines how we arrived where we are, unlike a lot of others it gives very definite ways to change this viscous cycle and rebuild the connection you once had. As I read the "woman" parts I thought, "Yep, yep, that's the way I feel." When I read the "man" parts I thought, "No, kidding, I didn't know that!!" I can't wait to finish it and implement some of the behavioral tips and banish the destructive ones from our home. If I can do my part, perhaps he will do his and the pending divorce will be a thing of the past.