Customer Reviews

The Intimacy Factor: The Ground Rules for Overcoming the Obstacles to Truth, Respect, and Lasting Love

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This book explains how we develop insecurities and feelings of inferiority that makes us develop codependent relationships. The author uses many examples from her own experiences as well as those of many other people to vividly illustrate the connections between our past life experiences, our present insecurities and inferiorities, and how we feel and behave in our present relationships. It is an excellent book that allows us to open our eyes and see inside ourselves! I would recommend it to anyone who feels like their life (not just their relationships) can be happier than what it is now. Another more comprehensive book that allows us to apply these messages to a wider variety of things is "The Ever-Transcending Spirit" by Toru Sato. It is absolutely one of the best in the business! Sato's book makes it so easy to understand our development, our personality, and our relationships. I would highly recommend both of these books!

Pia Mellody notes in the beginning of THE INTIMACY FACTOR that her deepest reason for writing the book was "to acknowledge the role of spirituality in intimate relationships." This is in itself is a worthy goal; spirituality (general, not within a specfic religious framework) as specifically applied to relationships is not addressed often enough, and it's a frequently forgotten part of too many partnerships. Mellody writes that true sprituality is the realization that God is Love and we can trust in that Love. That love is what restores to us the truth of our own inherent worth, thereby enabling us to have truly intimate relationships with other human beings.

Following an initial discussion along these lines, Mellody spends most of the rest of the book describing the concept of boundaries -- the "psychological passages" through which we both express our truth and recieve the emotions and words of others. She explains how functional boundaries lead to a spiritual relationship with God and good relationships with people, and the various ways in which dysfunctional boundaries can impair relationships. She also talks about how "boundary work" therapy helps to restore boundaries to healthy function.

Mellody's descriptions of boundaries are both interesting and very useful -- you can really see where how your own boundaries are functioning (or not) and what you can do to improve them. However, she ascribes all boundary dysfunction to myriad possible forms of abuse in childhood (often more subtle than your stereotypical drunken and physcially abusive parent.) While this is interesting and helpful as well, I think it is a stretch to say that ALL relationship problems stem from childhood abuse. Does everyone have abusive parents? And what about adults who had abusive parents but have been able to transcend that upbringing without therapy and become functional people in healthy relationships? Mellody makes it sound as if there are no exceptions: everyone with childhood trauma is messed up unless she gets therapy, and practically no one is without such past trauma (since many, many people have relationship problems.)

Another thing that bothers me about the book is the constant referencing to AA. I realize the author is a recovering alcoholic, and that alcoholism can deal serious blows to a relationship, but that's not what this book is about. It should be confined to one of two examples, not splashed all over the text. By the end of the book, I was getting really tired of the serenity prayer. It may be good, but it's cliched in the first place, and refering to it several times in 200 pages is not helping matters at all.

Also, though the author gives many helpful examples of how to have healhty discussions about relationship issues, PLEASE don't use her wording! It's stilted and totally unnatural; if you used it on your partner, he or she would wonder what was wrong with you. Use the ideas; forget the format!

I don't mean to imply that this book is completely faulty; it's actually very enjoyable and informative. The subtitle really ought to have something about boundaries in it though, because this is where the author really shines.

I've read all of Pia's books. They are all great, especially the first one (Facing CoDependence) and this one. The first book explains the symptums and the mechanics of how and why. This book drills into details of the key concepts from the first book. It touches the how and why briefly, but focuses on the real life examples of dysfunctional behaviors and contrasting it to functional behaviors. This book really manifests the concepts in the first book into practices and guidelines.

This book turns out to be a great handbook even for parenting skills.

I also attended a few CoDA meetings. Those meetings are good, but Pia's books helped me much more.

I highly recommend Pia's books, I also recommend reading them in the order of published dates.

This is the book I'd want everybody to read and that I think everybody can learn from to become a happier, healthier partner. No matter whether you think you are already perfectly healthy and functional or not, this book will brush up your already good relational skills at worst or set you on the road to becoming a functional partner at best.

The key to being intimate as much as possible is to understand that love is a continuum ranging from very warm regard to something as theoretically simple as respect. Pia says that holding on to the other person's inherent worth even in difficult situations, being respectful towards them (as well as yourself of course) is what enables you to be intimate even if you disagree or have been hurt by your partner.

How do you achieve this? Pia gives you tools to show love and respect towards yourself and your partner: boundaries for the physical as well as the intellectual/emotional. Just learning about the speaking and listening boundaries would have made the book worthwhile for me. Do you know how to speak and listen in a functional manner? I'd postulate that most of us tend to be busy formulating a response/defense when listening to our partner in an argument. And conversely when we are the one speaking we will attempt to at least indirectly and covertly manipulate our partner so that he or she agrees with us. I didn't even know that there was an option to this behavior. I didn't know that it could and should be done differently. I honestly thought that my partner and I were supposed to compromise on any issue and that if we didn't or couldn't one of us was wrong and by implication bad. Oh boy, have I learned differently! And I am so glad I did, too.

There would have been two problems with the book for me:
Number 1 is right at the beginning. In the introduction Pia talks very emphatically about her relationship to the christian god and again does so in chapter 1. If that bothers you try to ignore it and go on reading because then she lets off.
Number 2 is the fact that I believe if I hadn't had additional instruction on Pia's ideas through individual therapy and workshops on boundaries I would not have learned to apply her ideas to my own life. I don't think it's the book's fault but my own. Even before reading this book I knew a lot about myself, my issues, my issues in interaction with other people but it seemed to me that the information was in bits and pieces in different `rooms' in my head and I just couldn't fit it together into a coherent picture. Only through the additional instruction in therapy, the workshops and in many talks with my closest girl-friend (who has also read the books and gone to the workshops etc.) did I begin to get an understanding of boundaries, the issues of my codependence and my problem with shame. So keep in mind that you may want to read this book with a friend and discuss it to help you understand it better.

I've read other books on co dependency and this one has a unique approach that was developed in The Meadows in Wickenburg, Ariz. I think it is an excellent approach to communication skills and ways of relating that are less toxic and worth reading and trying. I will recommend it to my clients - so many of whom suffer from this condition. Deb

Excellent book for both layman and professionals for overcoming a dysfunctional childhood. Compassionately written narrative of origins of the inability to form healthy relationships. Complete with examples of how to work through the constraints to extending and experiencing respect, love, compassion, and intimacy.

This, along with Facing Co-Dependence by Pia Mellody, should be the handbook to life you are born with. I learned so much from this! I highly recommend it to anyone seeking to improve their current relationship or attempting to establish a new one.

This is an excellent tool for couples and individuals who want to learn how to live with boundaries - boundaries for self and boundaries for others. Learn respectful living through containment and protection.

This book is extremely helpful in changing co-dependent behaviors and thoughts. A must read for those struggling.

this book is great because at the beginning it tells you the varios ways and reasons why our ability to be intimate may have broken down.You learn that what makes relationships difficult is the lack of good communication and lack of boundries,then it tells you how to have good communication and establish functioning boundries.The examples she gave at the end about feeling reduction and shame reduction work were the best part for me.I did them at home and to be honest it was life changing.This really is a great book but like anything else reading about a subject isn't enough to change you,you have to take what you have learned and implement it in your life. it's 50% awareness 50% action.