Customer Reviews

Intimate Connections

5 star:		(12)
4 star:		(4)
3 star:		(2)
2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

David D. Burns, M.D., has been a Clinical Associate Professor in the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at the Stanford University School of Medicine since 1995, the same school where he received his M.D. degree in the 1970's. From 1975 to 1995, Dr. Burns served on the clinical faculty of the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine and served as Acting Chief of Psychiatry at the Presbyterian Medical Center of the University of Pennsylvania Health System. He has also written: Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy; The Feeling Good Handbook; and Ten Days to Self-Esteem. He teaches workshops for the public and continuing-education seminars for mental health professionals. He was recently featured in a 90-minute nationally televised PBS program on depression entitled "Feeling Good"....

Though this book is primarily directed at single people struggling to find a compatible mate, I also found it very useful, even though I am happily married, for two major reasons: (a) Loneliness. Dr. Burns believes that loneliness is not a function of who you are with, or not with, but arises out of not treating yourself well and enjoying your own company. Thus, even people who are blessed with a wonderful mate can get lonely from time to time. Dr. Burns shows you how to head off loneliness at its source by building your self-esteem through the technique of treating yourself with care and respect. People who treat themselves badly not only feel badly about themselves, they get very needy. When you are needy, you tend to become very self-centered, and other people very naturally shy away from that. Who wants to be with someone who is clinging to you out of desperation rather than unselfish, generous interest and affection? (b) Distorted Thinking. Dr. Burns says that the way we interpret the actions of the people around us affects how happy or unhappy we are--and how successful we are in getting and keeping close relationships. He provides many simple, practical suggestions for changing negative, irrational thinking so that we can prevent depression, anxiety and general misery both inside ourselves and within our relationships.

I highly recommend this insightful, practical book to people in every type of relationship situation, whether unhappily alone, unhappily together, or happily together and wanting to keep it that way. Dr. Burns's advice can help fix or prevent any relationship problems you might have.

This book changed the way I thought about myself. I will never be the same again. There are so many helpful things in this book that I can't list them all, but what helped me the most was the realization that I am not a freak. Sounds simple, but I believed that I was, ever since high school. Now I know that I am completly normal, and life is full of possibilities. If you are afraid of people, think that your coworkers are thinking bad thoughts about you, can't even approach someone of the opposite sex, or are just shy, you need to get this book. You don't have to stay stuck where you are. Don't let life pass you by.

Until several years ago I was relatively shy, and bounced form relationship to relationship. I had a hard time meeting people I liked. The people I did go out with wasted my time.

Then I read this book and did exactly what it said. After several months following the steps in the book, my love-life took off like a flaming rocket. I went out with a different girl every week. I have since gone on to marry, and I enjoy a great relationship with my wife.

Look, I'm not selling the book, but it is one of the texts that have changed my life. If you actually do what the book says, your love-life will change for the better also. I've seen the love-lifes of a couple of friends that I reccomended the book to take off as well.

I've read this book twice. The first time was ten years ago when I was in college and having a lot of anxiety about meeting people. The book made me realize what habits I needed to change and gave a very practical roadmap to changing them, and my love life took off!

Three years ago, I found myself single again and read the book once again, cover to cover. It really helped me bounce back from my breakup, made me realistic about expectations and rejections, and I started an active dating life again.

Despite a few dated references (e.g., negative references to homosexuality) I still think this is a great book for single people looking to date..whether they are gay or straight!

This book is intended for shy and lonely individuals. It focuses on the psychological background of loneliness, shyness and how to make connections with other people. Other aspects of flirting and dating are mentioned (e.g. how to dress, how to initiate a conversation), but not after the reader is familiar with his often distorted thinking processes.
The message is clear: first, you have to really love and accept yourself. Then, you can proceed to getting to know other people more intimately. The book also deals with the not so pleasant aspects of relationships: rejections and fears. Lots of exercises show the reader how to deal with these and other problems.
By and large, a recommendable book!

This book details some of the ways a person can overcome problems in finding meaningful relationships. For example, if you are shy, Burns has you do activities that involve you interacting with people. He teaches you how to flirt. His advice is often common sense, for example if you don't bathe or comb your hair very often he tells you to bathe and comb every day. Burns also teaches you ways to set your expectations at realistic levels in order to minimize painful emotional episodes, for example I'm not going to try to date Christie Brinkley, she's "out of my league", so I'm not hurt that she doesn't want to date me. (That's just an example, I do not know her personally, nor have ever asked her out). The only problem with this book is that at times it focuses on shallower aspects of relationships, like flirting, and appearance and gives the reader the impression that he views these aspects as more important. I believe Dr. Burns meant this book to be a basic level guide to relationships, meaning, that he has you concentrate on shallower aspects of relationships in hopes that it will be easier for you to develop more meaningful relationships. The reader should take from this book what he/she needs and drop the rest. For example, I had no problem flirting, so I ignored his pages on that and focused on a couple of other items that he addressed.

Dr. Burns gets to the heart of the matter by developing your self-esteem, self-confidence and resilience to rejection (and you will be rejected) before sending you out into the cruel world of dating. He's not a pop-psychologist, but an M.D. world-renowned in his profession for helping people to overcome the sources of their unhappiness. The book is an easy read, and the advice is down-to-earth, practical and seriously effective. It's also [inexpensive], so do yourself a favor and buy it now!

I so enjoyed reading this book. Some of the material is a tad bit dated but the crux of the book is still timeless. ESPECIALLY the chapter about being lonely and learning to do things alone. Dr. Burns stated so succintly that if you can learn to be happy alone and not be afraid of being alone, you won't pick the wrong partner.

Lord knows I've stayed in relationships far past their expiration date because of the fear of loneliness. NO MORE. I'm totally OK with being single and I will never settle again. I'm too old to play that game anymore. My own company is darn fine and I'll continue to live a full life with friends and family until I meet the person I want to make a life with.

He also talks in this book about not being desperate and needy, something we can all relate to. By filling up your "spiritual tank" and being totally OK with you, then a partner is just a dessert.

This book really gave me a lot to think about and I've applied some of his tactics with great success. I'm a much happier single than I was a few months ago.

If you are single and/or shy and /or unsuccessful with the opposite sex this is probably the best book on the subject. (For men, I would also recommend Jama Clark's What The Hell Do Women Really Want).

The premise of Intimate Connections is that before anyone can love you, you must love yourself. To do otherwise shows you are not thinking rationally. And Dr. Burns tries to reason with the reader--to make the reader see they're not thinking clearly. But if you're not thinking clearly, you may not be able to assimilate this advice.

Although perhaps unintentional, this emphasis on loving yourself and first having a good life on your own seems to be (wisely) creating a "fall back" position, in case, after giving it your best shot, things don't happen for you. (Or in therapist's parlance, you are unable to make the necessary changes to make things happen).

A minor point is the section where a client feels he has shortcomings that women won't like. After surveying some women, they say these things don't matter to them. This unquestioning acceptance that women know and say what attracts them is kinda naiive for such a thoughtful book.

I found the book to be a practical and realistic remedy to the problem of successfully relating to members of the opposite sex and people in general. I would highly recommend this book for anyone who has suffered through degrading treatment from those they wished to connect with.