Customer Reviews

The Invisible Partners: How the Male and Female in Each of Us Affects Our Relationships

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The Invisible Partners is simply the best book on relationships I have ever read. Sanford simplifies the highly complex dilemma in relationships of projecting our shadow side onto our spouse. He maintains a clear respect for both men and women and helps us understand how our psychological differences can create havoc if they are left unnoticed. The joy of this book is that it not only has great information but is also highly entertaining and very well written.

Though written in the 80's this is a book that I continue to give to my clients in couples therapy who are eager to understand deeply what is driving their relationship problems. This is a book for the 21st century.

This book primarily addresses the Jungian concept of the contra-sexual in which men have a feminine archetype (called the anima) in their psyches, and women have a corresponding masculine archetype (called the animus) in their psyches. These unconscious forces have profound effects upon our lives, especially upon our relationships with persons of the opposite sex. This short book, while written some time ago, is still applicable today. It covers a lot of ground in a short space so it can be a bit difficult or even dense in places, especially if the reader is not intimate with Jungian psychology. Nevertheless, the concepts (or model, if you will) are valuable and useful in everyday life-not just with romantic relationships, but also with interpersonal communications and understanding.

In order to get the most out of this book, it is necessary to keep an open mind. This can be challenging; as stated on page 9: "Even the most elemental knowledge of oneself is something that most people resist with the greatest determination. Usually it is only when we are in a state of great pain or confusion, and only self-knowledge offers a way out, that we are willing to risk our cherished ideas of what we are like in a confrontation with the truth, and even then many people prefer to live a meaningless life rather than to go through the often disagreeable process of coming to know themselves."

Thus, recognition of animus/anima interplay can result in "being in love" which we resist analyzing and bringing into the everyday world. From pages 18-19: "Relationship founded exclusively on the being-in-love state can never last...being in love is a matter for the gods, not for human beings...it can endure only in a fantasy world where the relationship is not tested in the everyday stress of real life...To the extent that a relationship is founded on projection, the element of human love is lacking. To be in love with someone we do not know as a person, but are attracted to because they reflect back to us the image of the god or goddess in our soul, is in a sense, to be in love with oneself not with the other person...Real love begins only when one person comes to know another for who he or she really is as a human being, and begins to like and care for that human being."

Projection is not, however, a totally negative process because per page 20: "Each time projection occurs there is another opportunity for us to know our inner Invisible Partners, and that is a way of knowing our own souls." Thus, for example, on pages 53-4: "In learning to relate to a woman, a man also has to come to terms with the little boy in himself...We have no free choice unless we are psychologically conscious persons," and on page 55: "Of the choices every man and woman makes of his or her partner in life; in some way the partner represents something we need to understand about ourselves."

But it's not a bowl of roses either because per page. 83: "Projections can never be withdrawn completely, for they are out of our conscious control; nor can we ever become so conscious of the inner images of the anima and animus that projections do not occur. Withdrawing projections does not mean that they no longer occur, but that we understand them as images within ourselves when they do." But, (page 124) "We get well in direct proportion to the energy we put into our psychological development."

For additional reading on unconscious forces, see: George Weinberg "Invisible Masters: Compulsions and the Fear that Drives Them" Plume NY 1993 and Loren E. Pederson Dark Hearts-The Unconscious Forces that Shape Men's Lives Shambhala, Boston 1991

This book was a really interesting and thought provoking first contact with the Jungian concepts of projection, anima and animus and the roles (positive and negative) they play in intimate, heterosexual relationships.

It was a really wonderful read with lots of good and easy explanations (theoretical and practical) of the concepts and it's manifestations. And a wonderful outline of a positive and workable approach to dealing with projections and what their purpose is (in a nutshell, first to break through the barrier that exists between to people and secondly and more often than not just a way of your unconscious to tell you what you have to work on with yourself {if you have strong bigger-than-life-women projections --> get in touch with your inner female/emotions. If you have bigger-than-life-men projections --> get in touch with your inner man/creativity/strive; if you have are heavily attracted to artistic partners it might be that your own artistic potential needs to be worked out).

On the more negative side:
It seemed to treat the male/anima side of the whole equation a lot more indepth than the female/animus part. And there is hardly anything about people who don't match their own gender archetype much or to be more concrete match their opposite gender archetype more than their own. Which might be a result of it being a bit dated by now and it's shortness of only 120 pages.

I as well enjoyed the treatment of at the time rather current discussions about if men and women both have anima and animus. Or if their occurence is gendered.

All in all an excellent introduction though!

Because of dreams and thoughts that would come to me , I stayed away from developing male friendships because I did not know that I had an unmet need for an emotional attachment with a man.I confused this emotional need with sexual desire so I kept my distance from all men. Not having an emotional attachment with my father left part of me unsatisfied and seeking that attachment. This book helped me see that my yearning was not for sex but for a closeness that was denied me as a boy.

As one reviewer mentioned, this book is short. It is dense in places, and required a second read of parts of chapter 2.

It's interesting how important turning points in life can be traced back to seemingly inconsequential encounters. I dated a girl just once, and we never saw each other again. While we were discussing self-help books that had been important to us, she mentioned The Invisible Partners. Later I ordered the book from Amazon and it proved to be revolutionary. Finally, I have answers. I understand why/how I'd experienced certain disorienting emotional phenomena since I was a young man. And now I have ways to "right myself". The answers and tools didn't come directly from the text, but indirectly from doing the work suggested in the appendix. (I think the appendix is worth the price of the book.)

If you're open to Jungian thought and have found therapy helpful but maybe unable to answer some key questions, do yourself a favor and read The Invisible Partners. You may not find it revolutionary, but I can't imagine you won't find it helpful.

Whenever friends plan to get married and we begin to think of gifts this book comes to mind. We were encouraged to read this when in couples counseling in the early months of our marriage 12 years ago. What a help it was for us. I realize that it would be good to read it again everytime someone we know begins those steps toward marriage.

This book was a really interesting and thought provoking first contact with the Jungian concepts of projection, anima and animus and the roles (positive and negative) they play in intimate, heterosexual relationships.

It was a really wonderful read with lots of good and easy explanations (theoretical and practical) of the concepts and it's manifestations. And a wonderful outline of a positive and workable approach to dealing with projections and what their purpose is (in a nutshell, first to break through the barrier that exists between to people and secondly and more often than not just a way of your unconscious to tell you what you have to work on with yourself {if you have strong bigger-than-life-women projections --> get in touch with your inner female/emotions. If you have bigger-than-life-men projections --> get in touch with your inner man/creativity/strive; if you have are heavily attracted to artistic partners it might be that your own artistic potential needs to be worked out).

On the more negative side:
It seemed to treat the male/anima side of the whole equation a lot more indepth than the female/animus part. And there is hardly anything about people who don't match their own gender archetype much or to be more concrete match their opposite gender archetype more than their own. Which might be a result of it being a bit dated by now and it's shortness of only 120 pages.

I as well enjoyed the treatment of at the time rather current discussions about if men and women both have anima and animus. Or if their occurence is gendered.

All in all an excellent introduction though!

This book is good for introducing the concept of anima and animus. But it lacks some good examples from real life. Instead it gets hung up on analytical details to the extent of being "anal." I recommend this book but it does not make it into my favorite collection.

I currently work in the psychology field with men and sometimes couples. I consider Jungian psychology an area of strong interest and I have read many books in this genre. Many of them are listed among my other reviews or listmania lists.

This specific author has a unique gift for presenting Jungian ideas and making them applicable to real life. He does not say too much... and he also doesn't cheat the reader on depth. In addition, he has a gift for explaining sometimes difficult concepts in very simple language. For me, this was a two sitting book and I couldn't put it down.

With respect to content, many reviewers have covered Jung's notion of the inner feminine in a male and inner masculine in a female. What the other does with this notion is demonstrate how these contrasexual images get projected or acted out in relationship. This is unconscious, but being aware of what's happening, why it's happening and how it all ties together is curative.

If you look at relationship through the lens of this book, you will understand how in any relationship their is really an anima to animus, an ego to animus, an ego to anima and an ego to ego dynamic. Being aware of these additional layers helps one avoid many pitfalls.

For example, many men have a mother-complex that they are trying to overcome. This theme occurs in many myths and fairy tales in the form of slaying the dragon. The whole notion here is that to have the maiden (embrace the anima/interior feminine) one must first differentiate from the mother complex (dragon). In short, a male must embrace his feminine side and make it conscious before he can relate to a woman as a human being rather than as a carrier of a projection. A similar dynamic occurs in females and that is what this book is all about.

I unreservedly recommend this book to laymen, psychologists and therapists. It is very complimentary to the other self-help literature and extremely practical. I also recommend A General Theory of Love and Jung's Map of the Soul: An Introduction. The latter of these two books is the Cliff's Notes of Jung's concepts explained simply from an extremely credible source. If you get Intimate Partners, I urge you to pick this book up as well. It will serve to deepen your relationship inquiry and make Intimate Partners more meaningful.

Excellent explanation of Jung's ideas about the "anima" and "animus". Explains very clearly the mechanism of projection.