Iris and Her Friends: A Memoir of Memory and Desire [Paperback]

John Bayley (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: November 2000

A timeless work that will bring healing to anyone dealing with the loss of a loved one.

John Bayley began writing Iris and Her Friends, a companion to the New York Times bestseller Elegy for Iris, late at night while his wife, the beloved novelist Iris Murdoch, succumbed to Alzheimer's Disease. As Iris was losing her memory, Bayley was flooded with vivid recollections of his own. In lyrical reverie, Bayley recreates the unforgettable scenes of his youth, from his birth to a civil servant in colonial India to his long romance with Iris and its heartbreaking end. This is the transcendent work of a brilliant man, whose examination of the tragedies and joys of his own life will give readers great healing insight. John Bayley's Iris and Her Friends is nothing less than a classic of true love and sorrow. "Love makes every beautifully formed sentence, every generously shared moment, shimmer and sing."—Donna Seaman, Los Angeles Times Book Review

Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review

Novelist Iris Murdoch died in 1999 after a three-year battle with Alzheimer's disease. Her husband, writer John Bayley, who wrote movingly of the impact of her illness in Elegy for Iris, tells in this book of the final year of his wife's life, when she was visited more by her own imaginary "friends" than by the exigencies of real life. In Iris and Her Friends, Bayley recalls his own increasingly precarious hold on reality and subsequent breakdown, Murdoch's final happy weeks in a home for the terminally ill, and finally her quiet death. Although closely linked to Elegy, Iris and Her Friends focuses more on Bayley's experience of Murdoch's illness: the memories he discovered just as his wife lost her own--of his childhood, his army years and first loves, and of their long marriage. One of Bayley's "friends" is a subject he holds dear: "The old Eng. Lit. again. I taught it for nearly fifty years and feel detached from it now." Nonetheless, literature emerges here as the one remaining constant in his life. Scarcely two pages go by without a reference, almost involuntary, to Hardy, Coleridge, Austen, Shakespeare, Dostoyevsky, Thurber, James, Lawrence, Woolf--or Murdoch. Sometimes Murdoch appears to respond to the shared literary in-jokes, but more often the pair are like "two animals pushing together, nudging and grooming each other, grunting together as they bask in a mutual doze." This is an incredibly intimate glimpse into a personal life, but as Bayley tellingly observes: "There is a surreal sense in which Alzheimer's has turned Iris herself into art. She is my Iris no longer, but a person in the public domain." --Alan Stewart, Amazon.co.uk --This text refers to the Hardcover edition.

From Publishers Weekly

Bayley scored an unexpected hit with last year's eloquent and deeply affecting Elegy for Iris, in which he spoke of his life with the celebrated novelist Iris Murdoch, both before and after she developed the Alzheimer's disease that finally, after five long years, killed her in February 1999. This new memoir appears in the wake of Murdoch's death and takes brief note of it, though much of it had been written by Bayley, while propped up beside his sleeping wife, in their last, desperate months together. As before, the details of how a loving mate deals with a complete mental withdrawal are at once horrific and touching, and blessed with Bayley's awkward grace. There is nothing much new to add to Elegy in the writing about their strange togetherness in the face of utmost adversity, however, and the title is more than a little misleading. What is new is the flights of memory that prompt Bayley to feel his way back to his own childhood and army days. The closeness and delicacy of his recall is almost hallucinatoryAhe brings long-forgotten prewar English landscapes and ways of life back with astounding vividnessAand his accounts of wartime and peacetime life in the British army are as hilariously observant as the best of Evelyn Waugh, though quite without the undertone of bitter rancor. Bayley is a splendid memoirist, who has now said all that needs to be said about Murdoch. How about a new volume that is just about him? If this is anything to go by, it would be as compelling in its way as Angela's Ashes. (Nov.)
Copyright 1999 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to the Hardcover edition.

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Product Details

• Paperback: 288 pages
• Publisher: W. W. Norton & Company (November 2000)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0393320790
• ISBN-13: 978-0393320794
• Product Dimensions: 6.8 x 5.3 x 0.6 inches
• Shipping Weight: 15.2 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.2 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (5 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #439,598 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

29 of 30 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars Iris and Her Friends, February 26, 2000

By 

"blackjewel" - See all my reviews

This review is from: Iris and Her Friends: A Memoir of Memory and Desire (Hardcover)

Memories are the essence of the soul. They define our relationships, explain our actions, and shape our perspectives. They are a part of us, so inextricably bound up with our very selves that it is difficult to contemplate ever losing them. And when we do, it is a sentence more punishing than death.

But that is just the sentence that Iris Murdoch, noted British author of The Green Knight and Jackson's Dilemma and Professor of Philosophy at Oxford, received when she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease in 1994. Her husband, John Bayley, has since written two memoirs about his beloved Iris. The newest, Iris and Her Friends, is Bayley's sequel to Elegy for Iris, which was published in December, 1998.

Elegy for Iris is exactly what its title implies: a book that mourns the premature death of Iris's mind, but it is also a tribute to her and Bayley's enduring love. It is a memoir that spans the history of their marriage, from the days of their courtship to the time of Bayley's writing.

Iris is in the later stages of Alzheimer's by the time of Iris and Her Friends: A Memoir of Memory and Desire. Here, Bayley uses his own memories to escape the maddening routine of caring for and worrying about his wife. Most of the memories he recounts do not include Iris at all, but are either recollections from Bayley's childhood or remembrances of old flames he knew before he met Iris. The memories, though they seem to have little to do with Iris, in fact flow from Bayley's desire to share them with his wife.

Bayley refers to the small respites from the worst of Alzheimer's as Iris's "friends." Her moments of clarity and the simple pleasures of holding and hugging become more cherished as Iris' condition worsens. The disintegration of Iris' memory is especially poignant; her incoherence and petulance stand in stark contrast to the gifted and articulate individual she once was. Bayley is brutally honest about his frustration with and sometimes irrational hatred for his wife, but his veracity does nothing to lessen the awesome devotion that is so evident in his innate concern for and awareness of her.

The mundane, domestic events of Iris and John's everyday life are interspersed with his vivid recollections. His escapes into memory inject levity into the sometimes desolate and seemingly hopeless atmosphere of the household. At heart, he is a fun-loving, adventuresome, imaginative individual; stories of his escapades as a child and his days in the army all display the same delightful sense of humor.

It is this flexibility and imagination that enable Bayley to survive the tough times of Iris' illness. His optimistic outlook on life ("Bad situations survive on jokes," he writes) and blunt, concise opinions on suicide, euthanasia, and sex make the entire book seem like a one-sided conversation between close friends. Bayley allows the reader to become intimately acquainted with the inner workings of his mind¡Van openness that is at odds with his childhood practice of keeping secret those things he held dear. Bayley's cathartic storytelling therefore seems to be an attempt to fill a void created by Iris' illness, to find a friend in whom he can confide.

The change in the relationship between Bayley and Iris, from marital to almost parental, is accompanied by a change in the way Bayley sees the world. He often escapes to the comforts of memory and fantasy, seemingly more so as Iris' condition worsens and she becomes almost uncommunicative. Bayley reminisces about his childhood, bringing to life the members of his family: his melancholy father, his unaffectionate mother, and his mature, pragmatic older brothers. From the comfort of his home and in the company of Iris, he remembers his summers at a small beachside town called Littlestone-on-the-Sea. He recreates his childhood adventures but scrutinizes them through the lens of adulthood. During these retellings, he re-examines some of the complex events of his pastoral summers: a friendship between a German man and a Jewish family and a husband's desertion of his high society wife.

As Iris' illness advances, so does our progression through Bayley's life. He enlists in the British forces during World War II and revels in the open, affectionate way his fellow soldiers express their feelings. During this time and his subsequent college years, Bayley developed two significant love interests prior to Iris. It seems a bit strange that Bayley would devote such a large amount of page space to his former girlfriends in a memoir about his wife. But instead of detracting from Bayley's devotion to Iris, his accounts of these lukewarm relationships serve to reinforce the intensity and depth of his love for her.

Although Bayley and Murdoch are never physically separated during the course of the narrative, there is a wide gulf created by Iris' illness; immersed in his fantasies, Bayley seems very much alone. It is not until the close of the memoir that the reader gets a more complete sense of what Bayley and Iris are like as a couple, through Bayley's recollections of some of the later days of their marriage. He describes dinners with esteemed authors like Aldous Huxley and a vacation that included a ghostly visitation from Henry James.

Although Bayley finds solace and escape in his countless memories, he cannot imagine life without Iris, and he attributes his windfall of memories to Iris' very existence. His frustrations and impatience are only a tiny part of the huge field of emotions that are born from his love, a love that has been tested by and has endured tragedy.

Overall, Iris and Her Friends is a touching and exceptionally well-written memoir that is grounded and fanciful, optimistic and realistic. Bayley, a famous literary critic in his own right, adds depth and meaning to many of his stories by using multiple references to great works of literature. Unfortunately, this can be slightly confusing for readers unfamiliar with the books he mentions.

While Elegy is a lament for what has been, Iris and Her Friends is a celebration of the importance of life. By the end of the memoir, having been exposed to Bayley's stream of consciousness for nearly three hundred pages, the reader is so attuned to Bayley's heartache, so moved by his devotion, that it is impossible to remain detached and unaffected by Iris' death. We mourn her as if she had been one of our friends.

12 of 12 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars using memories not to escape, but to cope, August 10, 2000

By 

Karen Sampson Hudson "Karen Sampson Hudson" (Reno, NV United States) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: Iris and Her Friends: A Memoir of Memory and Desire (Hardcover)

This is a gentle tale filled with scholarly allusions, about the last months and days Iris Murdoch spent in the care of her devoted husband, John Bayley. Since he was essentially alone, with rather formidable demands placed upon him by her Alzheimer's ailment, he coped by retreating into memories. In this situation, his memories were strikingly vivid, and reminded me of the memory-influenced dreams I had during my pregnancies, when my waking hours were racked by nausea. The memories were not so much a comfort to him, as a reminder of the fullness, the "worth-whileness" of life. I recognize this, having experienced it, as a natural way of getting through a difficult time.

Iris is a strong presence in this memoir, but it tells us more about this thoughtful, intellectual, sensitive, and good man. The deep love the two shared is apparent, yet it is not put on display in the arrogant manner, the "no two people ever loved as we did, no one ever had the adventures we did or knew the famous people we did" attitude of some other authors. The book is sweet, gentle, and not nearly as sad as you might expect.

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Finding friends on the inside of the mind, June 27, 2009

By 

W. Jamison "William S. Jamison" (Eagle River, Ak United States) - See all my reviews
(VINE VOICE)    (REAL NAME)   

This review is from: Iris and Her Friends: A Memoir of Memory and Desire (Paperback)

Much as John does not like the word "caregiver" it is the word most used to refer to those who are in this situation with their loved ones. Most especially, it seems life is toughest on the caregivers. Our own situation was with my wife's father who had (has) vascular dementia and lost control of his body but not his mind - for the most part. This book details five years of the opposite situation for John and Iris. For us the nature of his physical deterioration left us no choice and after fifteen years with us he moved into a home where they could care for him properly. The situation was then totally different in the sense in which John was alone and alone with Iris - who as he says was in so many ways no longer herself. How does one cope with five years of care giving without going out of their minds? By going into their mind instead. And sharing the secret with us.