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Iris and Her Friends: A Memoir of Memory and Desire

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Memories are the essence of the soul. They define our relationships, explain our actions, and shape our perspectives. They are a part of us, so inextricably bound up with our very selves that it is difficult to contemplate ever losing them. And when we do, it is a sentence more punishing than death.

But that is just the sentence that Iris Murdoch, noted British author of The Green Knight and Jackson's Dilemma and Professor of Philosophy at Oxford, received when she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease in 1994. Her husband, John Bayley, has since written two memoirs about his beloved Iris. The newest, Iris and Her Friends, is Bayley's sequel to Elegy for Iris, which was published in December, 1998.

Elegy for Iris is exactly what its title implies: a book that mourns the premature death of Iris's mind, but it is also a tribute to her and Bayley's enduring love. It is a memoir that spans the history of their marriage, from the days of their courtship to the time of Bayley's writing.

Iris is in the later stages of Alzheimer's by the time of Iris and Her Friends: A Memoir of Memory and Desire. Here, Bayley uses his own memories to escape the maddening routine of caring for and worrying about his wife. Most of the memories he recounts do not include Iris at all, but are either recollections from Bayley's childhood or remembrances of old flames he knew before he met Iris. The memories, though they seem to have little to do with Iris, in fact flow from Bayley's desire to share them with his wife.

Bayley refers to the small respites from the worst of Alzheimer's as Iris's "friends." Her moments of clarity and the simple pleasures of holding and hugging become more cherished as Iris' condition worsens. The disintegration of Iris' memory is especially poignant; her incoherence and petulance stand in stark contrast to the gifted and articulate individual she once was. Bayley is brutally honest about his frustration with and sometimes irrational hatred for his wife, but his veracity does nothing to lessen the awesome devotion that is so evident in his innate concern for and awareness of her.

The mundane, domestic events of Iris and John's everyday life are interspersed with his vivid recollections. His escapes into memory inject levity into the sometimes desolate and seemingly hopeless atmosphere of the household. At heart, he is a fun-loving, adventuresome, imaginative individual; stories of his escapades as a child and his days in the army all display the same delightful sense of humor.

It is this flexibility and imagination that enable Bayley to survive the tough times of Iris' illness. His optimistic outlook on life ("Bad situations survive on jokes," he writes) and blunt, concise opinions on suicide, euthanasia, and sex make the entire book seem like a one-sided conversation between close friends. Bayley allows the reader to become intimately acquainted with the inner workings of his mind¡Van openness that is at odds with his childhood practice of keeping secret those things he held dear. Bayley's cathartic storytelling therefore seems to be an attempt to fill a void created by Iris' illness, to find a friend in whom he can confide.

The change in the relationship between Bayley and Iris, from marital to almost parental, is accompanied by a change in the way Bayley sees the world. He often escapes to the comforts of memory and fantasy, seemingly more so as Iris' condition worsens and she becomes almost uncommunicative. Bayley reminisces about his childhood, bringing to life the members of his family: his melancholy father, his unaffectionate mother, and his mature, pragmatic older brothers. From the comfort of his home and in the company of Iris, he remembers his summers at a small beachside town called Littlestone-on-the-Sea. He recreates his childhood adventures but scrutinizes them through the lens of adulthood. During these retellings, he re-examines some of the complex events of his pastoral summers: a friendship between a German man and a Jewish family and a husband's desertion of his high society wife.

As Iris' illness advances, so does our progression through Bayley's life. He enlists in the British forces during World War II and revels in the open, affectionate way his fellow soldiers express their feelings. During this time and his subsequent college years, Bayley developed two significant love interests prior to Iris. It seems a bit strange that Bayley would devote such a large amount of page space to his former girlfriends in a memoir about his wife. But instead of detracting from Bayley's devotion to Iris, his accounts of these lukewarm relationships serve to reinforce the intensity and depth of his love for her.

Although Bayley and Murdoch are never physically separated during the course of the narrative, there is a wide gulf created by Iris' illness; immersed in his fantasies, Bayley seems very much alone. It is not until the close of the memoir that the reader gets a more complete sense of what Bayley and Iris are like as a couple, through Bayley's recollections of some of the later days of their marriage. He describes dinners with esteemed authors like Aldous Huxley and a vacation that included a ghostly visitation from Henry James.

Although Bayley finds solace and escape in his countless memories, he cannot imagine life without Iris, and he attributes his windfall of memories to Iris' very existence. His frustrations and impatience are only a tiny part of the huge field of emotions that are born from his love, a love that has been tested by and has endured tragedy.

Overall, Iris and Her Friends is a touching and exceptionally well-written memoir that is grounded and fanciful, optimistic and realistic. Bayley, a famous literary critic in his own right, adds depth and meaning to many of his stories by using multiple references to great works of literature. Unfortunately, this can be slightly confusing for readers unfamiliar with the books he mentions.

While Elegy is a lament for what has been, Iris and Her Friends is a celebration of the importance of life. By the end of the memoir, having been exposed to Bayley's stream of consciousness for nearly three hundred pages, the reader is so attuned to Bayley's heartache, so moved by his devotion, that it is impossible to remain detached and unaffected by Iris' death. We mourn her as if she had been one of our friends.

This is a gentle tale filled with scholarly allusions, about the last months and days Iris Murdoch spent in the care of her devoted husband, John Bayley. Since he was essentially alone, with rather formidable demands placed upon him by her Alzheimer's ailment, he coped by retreating into memories. In this situation, his memories were strikingly vivid, and reminded me of the memory-influenced dreams I had during my pregnancies, when my waking hours were racked by nausea. The memories were not so much a comfort to him, as a reminder of the fullness, the "worth-whileness" of life. I recognize this, having experienced it, as a natural way of getting through a difficult time.

Iris is a strong presence in this memoir, but it tells us more about this thoughtful, intellectual, sensitive, and good man. The deep love the two shared is apparent, yet it is not put on display in the arrogant manner, the "no two people ever loved as we did, no one ever had the adventures we did or knew the famous people we did" attitude of some other authors. The book is sweet, gentle, and not nearly as sad as you might expect.

Much as John does not like the word "caregiver" it is the word most used to refer to those who are in this situation with their loved ones. Most especially, it seems life is toughest on the caregivers. Our own situation was with my wife's father who had (has) vascular dementia and lost control of his body but not his mind - for the most part. This book details five years of the opposite situation for John and Iris. For us the nature of his physical deterioration left us no choice and after fifteen years with us he moved into a home where they could care for him properly. The situation was then totally different in the sense in which John was alone and alone with Iris - who as he says was in so many ways no longer herself. How does one cope with five years of care giving without going out of their minds? By going into their mind instead. And sharing the secret with us.

This is the second John Bayley book which centers on his wife's decline from Alzheimer's disease, and the way they managed together through this. The first was a powerful and moving memoir.
The sequel unfortunately is a much more scattered, and uncentered work. In fact the greatest part of it does not have to do with the situation of Iris, but rather with Bayley's own story before he knew Iris. Here we are let down simply because Bayley is not a very interesting or appealing character in himself. He seems to be in some way a very tepid and shy character. The book thus only comes alive in the parts which have to do with Iris. But this relationship was probed in a deeper way in the earlier volume. In fact in the earlier volume Bayley seemed to 'have it all together' in a way he does not here.

John Bayley CBE should be known more as the widower of the late Dame IRis Murdoch. Of course, he was there in the best and worst of times and never complained or criticized. Where do you find a husband like John? John and Iris's relationship could be one of the most unforgettable romances of the last century or ever. John truly loved Iris, there is doubt about that. This book is about him also as well. During Iris' later stages of Alzheimers which robbed him of the woman who wrote complicated, strategic long novels into a childlike stage where she was no longer than exceptional figure of womanhood in real life. She became a woman inflicted with Alzheimers who was unable to write anymore and didn't know her own surroundings. Imagine the smartest woman or man in the world become a lost child. No doubt, John did everything he could for Iris. They only had each other. John wrote that Iris was generous beyond belief and they lived simply in Oxford. They loved to swim together and listen to the Archers, the British Radio Soap, and talk about it afterwards. They never even owned a television set until Iris became ill. John shows us how to cope in a situation by relying on happier memories of his life when things were different or better. I admire John and Iris' relationship, there were no arguments, doubts, and worries about the other's fidelity in the marriage. In my opinion, John and Iris were made for each other and that's where it ended. John writes that sex didn't matter to Iris much before the illness and it didn't matter afterwards so why all this focus on her sexuality. Maybe she experimented with women and she was with men who she loved and lost before she met John. I think once she and John got together, their union was a remarkable one where Iris and JOhn both encouraged each other's talents as writers, literary critics, and philosophers. While Iris was the star, it was John who sat lovingly beside her without complaints. Oh if all marriages were that good.