Customer Reviews

Ithaka: A Daughter's Memoir of Being Found

5 star:		(42)
4 star:		(11)
3 star:		(3)
2 star:		(8)
1 star:		(8)

 

 

I finally read Ithaka, after having it sitting on my shelf for months. The subject is difficult for me, as a birthmother who searched for her son and was rejected. Now, I wish I had read it before making any contact, and would advise any birthparents in search to do likewise.

Sarah Saffian is a fine and elegant writer, who as many previous reviewers have noted, grew up with money and comfort, and was found by the "perfect" birthparents. It is indeed hard to understand her reluctance to meet them--but the pain she suffered because of the contact is real, and I often cringed as I read what she felt, thinking that my son may have felt similar pain and disorientation at my contact.

Search and reunion is not a soap-opera nor a talk show--although much of what passes for wisdom in adoption reform groups and literature would make one think it was! Not all adoptees, nor all birthparents, are eager to be found--and those that are still must make huge adjustments to integrate the lost ones into their lives.

I hope that my son will find this book, and read it, and know that he is not alone in his fear and confusion at having "the dead" rise again as I did. I hope that all searching birthparents will read this book, not to be discouraged, but to stretch their minds and hearts with empathy for the adoptee, and the stresses that reunion can bring to some. I have seen many birthparents go into reunion expecting that the adoptee's life has somehow been on hold since the surrender, just waiting for the birthmother to return and pick up emotionally where they left off, as if a whole lifetime of family relationships were irrelevant. Some support groups encourage this kind of thinking, by pandering to what the members want to believe, rather than what is, and taking a very one-sided and one-dimensional view of the whole complex issue of reunion. "Ithaka" makes us look at other possibilites--and that is ultimately better and more healing than unrealistic expectations and cartoon scenarios of reunion bliss. Sarah Saffian had performed a useful service for birthparents by writing her story, even though reading it sometimes hurt, and sometimes frustrated and annoyed.

As a birth mother AND an adoptive mother,this book let me understand the feelings of the adopted child. I found my daughter 6 years ago and I have not met her at this point. We do write letters and emails, but have never talked on the phone or met in person. This book helped me to see how difficult this process is for the "found" child. She hasn't known anyone but her adoptive family and it is very hard for her to accept me and my family. I am sending her a copy of this book for Christmas. Thank-you, Sarah!

I read this book after hearing Sarah Saffian tell her story on television. (The Leeza Show) I have no direct way to relate to what she has gone through. I am not adopted, yet the way she writes this book, anyone can posess the capacity to understand and read with a vaguely familiar sense of our own reality, simply because we all have our own version family. Whatever "family" means to the reader comes to the focus of contemplation and the realization that those who are most dear to us are always there for us. As Sarah endures her own self-discovery through the process of being found by her "other" family, she reveals such insight in the telling of her journey, that any reader, adopted or not, can truly understand.

While each and every person has a different story, the circumstances are eerily similar when talking to adoptees. Saffian's "Ithaka" is something I turned to when I was contacted by my biomom. From my reaction to the first time I was contacted by my her, to my anticipation of seeing her face for the first time; from hearing friends' stories about their adoptions and reunions, to struggling with the fear that my parents would feel abandoned and betrayed if I sought out my bioparents - this book helps us realize that we are no more alone in our thoughts and fears than we are walking down a crowded avenue. How many others, I wonder, have turned to this book for answers, much as I did? And how unfair it would be to say my reaction is wrong, or the author's reaction is wrong, because the two are not consistent? While some of my reactions have been different from hers, I am amazed by what I read... and how nicely she can relate publicly such an intimate and personal story. I turned every page with anxiety and felt her actual reunion with her bioparents seemed anticlimatic. Upon reflection, her sparse description and the small number of pages she dedicated to the actual reunion, I wonder if it was too personal to commit to print, or if she went through the reunion in a fog, or if she just realized that her adoption was not a colossal event, but a mere fact of life. At any rate, I think it's a must read for anyone trying to find themselves in the process of being found. Likewise, I feel it is a great read for anyone outside the adoption community.

I just finished this book. I was overwhelmed with the words that the author wrote - very powerful words. I would ( and have) recommended this book to everyone in the adoption triad. This is a very easy book to read - you won't put it down.

I've read most of the reviews listed about this book and was annoyed by several of them which criticized Sarah's "spoiled" lifestyle and "selfish" lack of response to her birthparents.

I am also an adoptee, adopted through the same agency as Saffian. I was also raised in Manhattan by a well-to-do family. I have had access to my birth father's whereabouts for several months but haven't felt right about contacting him yet. It may take me three years to write the letter or make the phone call. But if it does, so be it. There is nothing wrong with waiting until I feel ready, just as there was nothing wrong with her going through her process.

"Itaka" is a beautifully written book about the range of emotions Saffian went through before, during and after her reunion. In my opinion, it's a must read for for all members of the adoption triad.

Recently, I was reunited with my daughter whom I gave up to adoption 34 years ago. I was unprepared for what this reunion would do to my life and the roller-coaster emotions that came to the forefront of our "relationship". After our "honeymoon" phase ended after much emotional and verbal conflict (and all contact between us ceased), I began to reach out for help. Many of the "other" Mom's suggested this book.
Though my daughter and I have not renewed our relationship, this book, more than any other (so far) has helped me understand somewhat of what she was/is going through emotionally. Factors I had not considered that Saffian points out have helped me cope with this "silence".
It is not a perfect book. There are questions that remain: why did it take Saffian so long to have a face-face meeting; did the reunion last (are they still reunited); etc.
Though I am unlike Sarah's "other" parents, the book is helpful in that it also shows what they are going through (via personal letters and phone calls) and glimpses into her parents' feelings as well.
All in all, a good read that will help all in the adoption triad struggling the initial phases of contact. I wish I had known of the book sooner.

I am an adoptee (age 34) and found the book to be extraordinarily timely. I met my birthparents two years ago, and the roller coaster of emotions is overwhelming. Sarah Saffian's ability to articulate the things I am feeling is uncanny. I checked this book out of the library, then had to get my own copy so I could underline and highlight.

For those who've said she is self-absorbed, that's the point. So many huge pieces of her life and her identity were altered without her consent, before she was even born. How can a person help but question her feelings about each of the parties involved, about her obligation to each, her connection to each, and how each affects her. Given the magnitude of the revelation (Hi - I'm your birthmother, and I married your birth father and you have a set of "full-blooded" siblings.) Sarah deserves the opportunity to wallow around in self-absorbed questions about her identity.

A well-written and compelling memoir

As an adoptee active in adoption politics, I don't like to spend my free time reading adoption books. Especially since so many of them focus on what I find to be nonsensical and ultimately destructive notions of primal wounds, adopted child syndrome, or whining about not feeling whole. This book didn't do that, and I found the story compelling, the writing polished, and the voice refreshing. Unlike another reviewer, I thought the author clearly articulated her belief that adoptees have a constitutional right to their records, and I appreciate and agree with this view.

I think this is must reading for an adoptee or birthparent, either going through a search and find, or about to embark on one. My own caveat is that the book seemed to end unsatisfactorily for me. I felt like something was missing. I didn't need anything neat and tidy, but a little more retrospection would have been nice.