It's Hard Not to Hate You [Hardcover]

Valerie Frankel (Author)

Book Description

Release date: September 13, 2011

3.5 out of 4 Stars! "On a touching and hilarious journey, Frankel learns that overt positivity isn't the answer. Instead, owning her toxic emotions actually makes her life better. In a breezy 242 pages, she turns The Secret on its head."--Rennie Dyball, PEOPLE magazine

"A worrisome diagnosis leads Frankel, a self-described grouch, to consider the surprisingly positive implications of a negative personality. Frank, funny, and full of zingy insights."--Good Housekeeping "Book Pick" (October 2011)


From the author of THIN IS THE NEW HAPPY comes a hilarious new memoir about embracing your Inner Hater. In the midst of a health and career crisis, Valerie uncorks years of pent up rage, and discovers you don't have to be happy to be happy. You don't have to love everyone else to like yourself. And that your Bitchy Twin might just be your funniest, most valuable and honest ally."The hate in you has got to come out." After being advised to reduce stress by her doctor, humorist Valerie Frankel realized the biggest source of pressure in her life was maintaining an unflappable easing-going persona. After years of glossing over the negative, Frankel goes on a mission of emotional honesty, vowing to let herself feel and express all the toxic emotions she'd long suppressed or denied: jealousy, rage, greed, envy, impatience, regret. Frankel reveals her personal History of Hate, from mean girls in junior high, selfish boyfriends in her twenties and old professional rivals. Hate stomps through her current life, too, with snobby neighbors, rude cell phone talkers, scary doctors and helicopter moms. Regarding her husband, she asks, "How Do I Hate You? Let Me Count the Ways." (FYI: There are three.) By the end of her authentic emotional experience, Frankel concludes that toxic emotions are actually good for you. The positive thinkers, aka, The Secret crowd, have it backwards. Trying to ward off negativity was what'd been causing Frankel's career stagnation, as well as her health and personal problems. With the guidance of celebrity friends like Joan Rivers and psychic Mary T. Browne, Frankel now uses anger, jealousy and impatience as tools to be a better, balanced and deeper person. IT'S HARD NOT TO HATE YOU sends the message that there are no wrong emotions, only wrong ways of dealing with them.

Editorial Reviews

Review

"It's refreshing to read as Frankel realizes that anger can be cathartic, even entertaining, when expressed, and makes for a fuller, fun life. Fans of her recent memoir, her novels, or her collaborations with Joan Rivers and Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi will especially enjoy learning what makes the funny, warm Frankel tick."--PW

"Told by a doctor that she must reduce stress, Frankel decides: "The hate in me just has to come out." Fortunately, it comes out fast and funny, tart and taut, in your face and genuinely helpful for anyone who's felt tense, fat, overmanaged, underloved, or just plain human."--Library Journal

"Funny girl Frankel dishes about what there is to love about hatred. The resulting string of essays on negativity and its pursuits includes a number of hilarious moments alongside helpful, hard-won insight."--Kirkus

"Valerie Frankel is one of the bravest, boldest, funniest writers on the planet. Her new memoir, It's Hard Not To Hate You, carries a kind of startlingly fresh honesty. Every page feels as if you are sitting across a cafe with her, having coffee, and spilling your soul."--Caroline Leavitt, author of Pictures of You

*Book of the Week* "Funny, personal . . . By letting her hater flag fly, Frankel realizes that releasing the aggression is her own recipe for happiness. This lively and entertaining book should be embraced for its honesty and wit."--Jessica Grose, Slate

"With humor, Frankel shrewdly probes her darkly shallow places."

--Kirkus Reviews

 

"Fans ... will especially enjoy learning more about what makes the funny, warm Frankel tick."

--Publishers Weekly

 

"Fast and funny, tart and taut, in your face and genuinely helpful for anyone who's felt tense, fat, overmanaged, underloved, or just plain human."

--Library Journal

From the Author

Q&A with It's Hard Not to Hate You author Valerie Frankel

What made you decide to write a whole book on toxic emotions? 

I was inspired to write It's Hard Not to Hate You in April 2009 while staring down simultaneous health and career crises. I was diagnosed with colon cancer, which led to the discovery of a genetic mutation that could cause cancers in numerous other organs. At the same time, print journalism took a terrible blow due to the Great Recession. A freelance magazine writer, I was having a bitch of a time getting assignments. My checking account dwindled precarious. The double whammy of problems beyond my control was too much. My carefully maintained easy-going persona cracked under the pressure. Negative emotions seeped out of me at an alarming rate. Instead of trying to suppress them (no longer possible), I resolved to stop fighting and just let them come--in real life, and on the page. The hate in me just had to come out. I'd been wearing a poker face since I was a tweenage closeted rageaholic, so there was a lot of it.

How has opening the door to negative emotions changed you?

I had no idea just how happy being angry would make me. Or, more accurately, how great the relief would be. Women struggle to be perfect in so many ways--having a stellar career, being thin, a great cook, a skilled lover, a wise mother. We expect ourselves be emotionally perfect as well. I blame the positivity movement (The Secret, etc.), but it goes back farther to "sugar, spice and everything nice." Anything less that bursting with joy feels like a personal failure and public shame. Happiness, as opposed to Honesty, has become the ultimate emotional goal. I tried to pull off Happy, and hid my darker sentiments for as long as I can remember. It was a defense mechanism. I vowed never to let anyone see me emote. The result: I stunted myself socially, romantically, professionally and, of course, emotionally.
            This memoir's goal, of feeling whatever comes up without guilt or shame, was a humanizing process. As in, I let myself be human. I quickly discovered that I was not alone in the Hater Closet. By outing my jealousy, impatience, envy and anger, my eyes opened to just how much hate swirled around me. More than I dared imagine. This was a joy and comfort to me.
Emotional honesty is fun, too, even euphoric. You can look into the eyes of the undeserving dilettante who landed your promotion and say, "Congrats! You totally deserve it!" while joyously, salubriously wishing her dead.  If you can banish the Feelings Police from your mind, you'll have more psychic energy to function at a higher level. All of your emotions--good, bad and fugly--will be more intense. You'll feel angrier, but also happier. Which is better.

What advice would you give someone who doesn't want to own (hello, Oprah!) her negative emotions?

Some women are genuinely delighted by the successes of their peers, love their children's friends like their own, and smile patiently at slow service and bad manners. Such superhumans do exist. I just don't happen to know any. If I ever meet one, I'd refer them to nearest army base for observation. To the women who fear reviling assholes and jerkoffs: The only thing to fear is the nervous breakdown in your future. Shed the Sally Sunshine skin. It'll feel GREAT. No one actually likes Sally, you know. She's soooooo boring. Her "friends" trash her behind her back.

How do your husband and daughters feel about this book? 

The husband's blurb: "It's Hard Not to Hate You is funny, smart, fast-paced, provocative, thoughtful-yet-lively entertainment! Totally worth the paper it's printed on! A bit mortifying for me, but I can live with that for the sake of my wife's emotional health, which I have to deal with Every. Single. Day."
            When Steve married me seven years ago, he understood that our sex life would be fodder for magazine articles read by millions. Those pieces, however, are edited for length, language and content. There are limits. When I started writing memoirs--without limits, I cut closer to the heart--Steve became philosophical. "If my wife writes a book about me in the forest where no one reads it," he asked, "is it still embarrassing?" Compared to a stadium-filling magazine readership, my book audience is like a dozen clowns in a Honda. This is a great comfort to Steve.
            As for my daughters, they haven't read it. They're too busy on facebook, watching LOL catz videos and reading A Shore Thing by Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi. Speaking of which...

You were Snooki's ghostwriter! How was that? 

Let's rephrase. It's not "ghostwriter." It's "collaborator." Working on A Shore Thing was tremendous. The writing itself was an absolute blast. I adored Nicole and her excellent managers. For research, I spend four days in Seaside Heights, New Jersey, with my family. My daughters and I got full-body spray tans. Yeah, we glowed. I ate a fried Oreo with a fried pickle chaser. And I hit the New York Times bestseller list--"in stealth mode," as my friend Paul described it. I made a lot of new friends, personal and professional.
            Pertinently, I learned tons about hate. A Shore Thing detractors compared the frothy, sexy, beach comedy to the coming of Armageddon, the death of publishing and the decay of American culture. I'd never seen so much rage about a book! Even more than Decision Points. For a couple of weeks, I was a wreck about it. I forget one of the It's Hard Not to Hate You epiphanies, and took the avalanche of criticism personally.
            Nicole, however, was a Zen master. She let the negativity slide off her shoulders like so much bronzer. Her attitude: "Gotta let the haterz hate." Which was basically the message of this memoir: "Gotta let the hater hate; the hater is me."
            If I was free to hate, so was anyone else, as passionately as he or she liked. When this concept penetrated my consciousness, I relaxed and was able to enjoy the novel's success. Next time my confidence is shaken (and there certainly will be a next time), I'll heed Nicole's example of always keeping a sense of humor, not taking things personally and being brave. That's right: Nicole Polizzi is my role model for emotional authenticity. Just saying...

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Hardcover: 256 pages
• Publisher: St. Martin's Press; First edition (September 13, 2011)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0312609787
• ISBN-13: 978-0312609788
• Product Dimensions: 8.3 x 5.7 x 1 inches
• Shipping Weight: 12.8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.2 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (53 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #735,905 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Valerie Frankel has written twenty-five books, and hopes to write many more. For more info about her books, magazine articles, cats, kids, life in Brooklyn, reviews of other people's books, go to www.valeriefrankel.com.

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

17 of 18 people found the following review helpful

4.0 out of 5 stars Hilarious memoir that felt like chatting with a friend July 4, 2011

By Megan Snider VINE™ VOICE

Format:Hardcover|Amazon Vine™ Review (What's this?)

Valerie Frankel just might be my new snarky author crush.

It's hard not to like her, really, in her latest memoir. IT'S HARD NOT TO HATE YOU details Frankel's struggles with jealousy, insecurity, dissatisfaction and health troubles, as well as her life with Steve, her musician husband, and their two daughters. Frankel is a professional writer and her peeks into the freelance life were fascinating -- especially as she works from home and has scores of books bearing her name at Barnes & Noble.

But the real meat and potatoes of this memoir? Frankel's struggles with haterdom. While she is a new-to-me author, I appreciated Frankel's insights into why it's "hard not to hate" her spouse (a man she actually dearly loves, of course); the nasty, holier-than-thou neighbor who refuses to acknowledge her presence; the subtlety racist woman from her daughter's school who can't distinguish between she and another Jewish mother (though they look nothing alike). The book feels like tunneling into Frankel's soul -- and she does eventually get to the bottom of the hate and discovers where much of it stems from. And, like any addiction, owning up to the problem is the first step.

I'm a lifelong hater. Moody, bossy and controlling, it's hard for me to admit that my bad moods often spoil things for others -- but I know that's the case. As I've gotten older, I've learned to check my negative energy, resist complaining when things aren't going my way and realize that not everything is about me. That final bit is a realization Frankel and I share -- that no, the world isn't out to punish me. The jerk who cut me off in traffic wasn't cutting me off in traffic, you know? He was just being a jerk. And I happened to be minding my own business on the highway during his Reign of Jerkdom.

I appreciated Frankel's many nuggets of wisdom, specifically regarding the need to own your jealousies rather than trying to swallow them whole. We're taught that it's uncouth and petty to feel jealous, but that's not really true -- is it? You can feel anything you'd like. Now, it's not as though you're going to walk around slapping the coworker who just got a big promotion or sucker-punching some dude who won $1,000 in scratch-offs. You're just going to feel the jealousy and move on, right? But you can't bottle up that dissatisfaction, no matter the feeling. You can't hide from your negative reaction to your friends' behaviors, and you can't ignore the inconsiderate things people do in public. If you do, you'll be lighting a flame under your own inner boil. And it'll reach a roil in no time.

You know -- if you're like Frankel and me. The one thought I had while reading IT'S HARD NOT TO HATE YOU is that some people will love it and some people won't. It was nice to read a book that felt like a personal address to me, but that doesn't mean it's a book for everyone (what book is?). As much as I enjoyed IT'S HARD NOT TO HATE YOU, I can appreciate that it might be a tough read for others. But if you like your memoirs humorous and are a fan of greats Jen Lancaster and Laurie Notaro, I'd urge you to give this one a try. It might cool your Hater-ade consumption, too.

11 of 13 people found the following review helpful

3.0 out of 5 stars It's hard not to be envious of Valerie Frankel June 29, 2011

By Ilovebooks VINE™ VOICE

Format:Hardcover|Amazon Vine™ Review (What's this?)

First, a confession: I am a fan of Valerie Frankel. I follow her blog religously, and I've been reading her magazine articles forever (I believe she started writing in the late 80s). I'd actually wanted to read her other memoir Thin is the New Happy, but never got around to it. So I was pleased when this came in through the Amazon Vine program. As a person who secretly (though often) hates other people, this seemed right up my alley.

And to a great degree, I liked it. I enjoyed Frankel's writing in this memoir. I found it humorous. I especially ate up the gossip about the famous novelist who never gave her a blurb. (I'm betting it's Helen Fielding, based on her description.) And the stuff about her health crisis was interesting in a horrifying sort of way. But overall, this felt like a bunch of magazine articles pieced together with no clear sense of focus. Also, Frankel is an author of several novels, she wrote the Snooki novel, she frequently writes magazine articles, has lovely kids and a cute (her word) husband, so why does she feel the need to be jealous of others? And her habit of fragmenting questions? Gets annoying.

Overall, I'd say this is worth reading, but you can skip the chapters about her childhood and her experiment where she tries not to complain.

3 of 3 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars The best self help book I've ever read. March 23, 2012

By Pamela C. Blades

Format:Hardcover

This book was both hilarious and thought provoking. I could totally relate to the Val's struggle to close the gap between how she really feel and how she thinks she should feel. She expresses the huge price many people pay for being "agreeable" and "a pleaser". It takes a lot of courage for many of us to express our genuine feelings, especially when it's not what people want to hear. I just wish I could be as funny as she is! Bravo Val!