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MY BIRTH, PARENTAGE, AND FAMILY PRETENSIONS--UNFORTUNATELY I PROVE TO BE
A DETRIMENTAL OR YOUNGER SON, WHICH IS REMEDIED BY A TRIFLING ACCIDENT--
I HARDLY RECEIVE THE FIRST ELEMENTS OF SCIENCE FROM MY FATHER, WHEN THE
ELEMENTS CONSPIRE AGAINST ME, AND I AM LEFT AN ORPHAN.
Gentle reader, I was born upon the water--not upon the salt and angry
ocean, but upon the fresh and rapid-flowing river. It was in a floating
sort of box, called a lighter, and upon the river Thames, at low water,
when I first smelt the mud. This lighter was manned (an expression
amounting to bullism, if not construed _kind_-ly) by my father, my
mother, and your humble servant. My father had the sole charge--he was
monarch of the deck: my mother, of course, was queen, and I was the
heir-apparent.
Before I say one word about myself, allow me dutifully to describe my
parents. First, then, I will portray my queen mother. Report says,
that when she first came on board of the lighter, a lighter figure and a
lighter step never pressed a plank; but as far as I can tax my
recollection, she was always a fat, unwieldy woman. Locomotion was not
to her taste--gin was. She seldom quitted the cabin--never quitted the
lighter: a pair of shoes may have lasted her for five years for the wear
and tear she took out of them. Being of this domestic habit, as all
married women ought to be, she was always to be found when wanted; but
although always at hand, she was not always on her feet. Towards the
close of the day, she lay down upon her bed--a wise precaution when a
person can no longer stand. The fact was, that my honoured mother,
although her virtue was unimpeachable, was frequently seduced by liquor;
and although constant to my father, was debauched and to be found in bed
with that insidious assailer of female uprightness--_gin_. The lighter,
which might have been compared to another garden of Eden, of which my
mother was the Eve, and my father the Adam to consort with, was entered
by this serpent who tempted her; and if she did not eat, she drank,
which was even worse. At first, indeed--and I may mention it to prove
how the enemy always gains admittance under a specious form--she drank
it only to keep the cold out of her stomach, which the humid atmosphere
A DETRIMENTAL OR YOUNGER SON, WHICH IS REMEDIED BY A TRIFLING ACCIDENT--
I HARDLY RECEIVE THE FIRST ELEMENTS OF SCIENCE FROM MY FATHER, WHEN THE
ELEMENTS CONSPIRE AGAINST ME, AND I AM LEFT AN ORPHAN.
Gentle reader, I was born upon the water--not upon the salt and angry
ocean, but upon the fresh and rapid-flowing river. It was in a floating
sort of box, called a lighter, and upon the river Thames, at low water,
when I first smelt the mud. This lighter was manned (an expression
amounting to bullism, if not construed _kind_-ly) by my father, my
mother, and your humble servant. My father had the sole charge--he was
monarch of the deck: my mother, of course, was queen, and I was the
heir-apparent.
Before I say one word about myself, allow me dutifully to describe my
parents. First, then, I will portray my queen mother. Report says,
that when she first came on board of the lighter, a lighter figure and a
lighter step never pressed a plank; but as far as I can tax my
recollection, she was always a fat, unwieldy woman. Locomotion was not
to her taste--gin was. She seldom quitted the cabin--never quitted the
lighter: a pair of shoes may have lasted her for five years for the wear
and tear she took out of them. Being of this domestic habit, as all
married women ought to be, she was always to be found when wanted; but
although always at hand, she was not always on her feet. Towards the
close of the day, she lay down upon her bed--a wise precaution when a
person can no longer stand. The fact was, that my honoured mother,
although her virtue was unimpeachable, was frequently seduced by liquor;
and although constant to my father, was debauched and to be found in bed
with that insidious assailer of female uprightness--_gin_. The lighter,
which might have been compared to another garden of Eden, of which my
mother was the Eve, and my father the Adam to consort with, was entered
by this serpent who tempted her; and if she did not eat, she drank,
which was even worse. At first, indeed--and I may mention it to prove
how the enemy always gains admittance under a specious form--she drank
it only to keep the cold out of her stomach, which the humid atmosphere
