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Jane Jones: Worst. Vampire. Ever. Paperback – May 10, 2011


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Product Details

  • Age Range: 12 and up
  • Grade Level: 7 and up
  • Paperback: 240 pages
  • Publisher: Ember (May 10, 2011)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0375868917
  • ISBN-13: 978-0375868917
  • Product Dimensions: 8.3 x 5.5 x 0.4 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 3.9 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (67 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #1,244,295 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Editorial Reviews

About the Author

CAISSIE ST. ONGE is an Emmy-nominated comedy writer who's worked for The Late Show with David Letterman, The Rosie O'Donnell Show, and VH1's Best Week Ever, as well as a bunch of shows you probably haven't heard of (but that's okay). Caissie's written lots of other stuff, too, including commercials for soap, ice cream, and cell phones that starred some bigshot Hollywood celebrities, plus an infomercial for collectible coins that starred a prominent Pennsylvania numismatist. (But enough bragging.) Caissie lives in Connecticut with her husband and two sons, in a town that's a lot like the one described in these pages, but she's not a vampire . . . yet. This is Caissie's first novel.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

One

"Oh my God, you guys. I am sooooo wasted. Did you see me? I was totally chugging, and now I'm, like . . . totally wasted!"

Astrid Hoffman was one of my classmates at my new school, Port Lincoln High. So far, what I'd learned about her was that she was wealthy and confident and lovelier than any girl in the sophomore class. In fact, she was the most poised and best-looking girl in the entire school, from what I could tell, wasted or not. Even heavily intoxicated, even kind of slurring and drooling with her thick, glossy brown curls falling over her glassy green eyes, she was a looker. She made me sick.

Astrid turned her half-lidded gaze to me. "Jane! Jaaaaa-aaaane. It's your turn. Have a little drinky drink, new girl!" Everyone around the bonfire cheered and someone shoved me in Astrid's direction.

I nervously shook my head. Actually, if I'm being honest, I probably spastically shook my head. "Uh, no. No, thanks. I don't really . . ."

"Aw, Jane, what's the matter? Your mommy won't let you?" Astrid teased. Then the playful look slipped from her face, replaced by an expression of menacing threat. "I'm not asking, Jane, I'm telling you. Drink!"

Astrid bared her teeth at me as everyone around us started chanting, "Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!" So this, I recalled bitterly, is what peer pressure feels like. In the past, I'd learned to avoid peer pressure by avoiding as much contact as possible with my so-called peers, but on this night, I found myself understanding how things get out of hand. All of a sudden, it was like Lord of the Flies up in there and I found myself in not so great a position to resist.

I inched toward Astrid, my mind racing. Funny how a moment is enough time for your whole life to pass before your eyes but not long enough to think of a decent plan for escaping a crappy situation. Knowing there was no way to get out of it, I knelt beside her and said, "Okay, I'll drink."

"Good girl," she cooed, winking as she hefted the pale, bare leg of Ian Holcomb into my lap. There were two small holes in the soft, white pit of his knee, ringed with what looked almost like a lipstick kiss at the bottom of a love letter, but in the shade of his own blood.

The rest of Ian was facedown in the dirt, dozing happily, I presume. He was also wasted, but in the more traditional human sense. Probably on his dad's vodka and his mom's sugar-free Red Bull. Whatever he'd been drinking that night, Astrid had made it a point to corner Ian and thank him personally for inviting her to such an awesome rager. Then she made it a further point to lean in really close to his chest and say right into his ear, "I'm having an awesome time." Then, when Ian suggested that they go out for some air, she responded by saying, "That would be awesome." I have to admit, what Astrid lacked in vocabulary skills, she made up for in cunning. Now she was hosting her own little party by the side of the state road behind the Holcombs' property, and the bar was fully stocked with Ian's elevated blood-alcohol level.

As I bent over poor, dumb Ian's popliteal artery, I asked myself two questions: What the hell am I even doing here? and How am I gonna make this look good?

I pushed my glasses up my nose, then shoved my face right up against Ian's leg and clamped my mouth on a spot that looked clean. I closed my eyes and did my best to imitate the rapture I was supposed to be feeling as I sank my fangs into the flesh of the JV football captain. Only, I wasn't sinking my fangs into anything. I was completely faking it and I might have gotten away with it, too, if I hadn't gone in for that one last convincing slurp. That was when Ian, in his stupor, sort of snorted and jerked the way you do when you dream that you're falling. The sudden motion must have spiked his blood pressure for just a second, but one second was all it took for arterial blood spray to hit me full in the face. Horrified, I dropped Ian's leg as my hands flew up, too late to block the gruesome mist. My cheeks were slick. The lenses of my glasses were covered with sticky, warm drops. I tore them off and rubbed furiously at my eyes with the sleeve of my favorite flannel shirt.

"Jane!" Astrid howled. "What an idiot. You should see your face! You look totally hilarious." Oh, I'm sure I did look totally hilarious. We've all seen Carrie, right? Everybody knows that there's nothing more hysterically funny than a teenager suddenly and unexpectedly drenched in blood. Unfortunately, in my case, I didn't have the telekinesis necessary to make a tree fall on Astrid to shut her up. Unfortunately, I was having a difficult time even standing up.

As all the vampire kids circled around to get a better look at me, I realized something very bad had just happened. Whether it had dripped into my mouth as I sat there slack-jawed or whether it had aerosolized and gone up my nose, somehow I had ingested at least a tiny amount of Ian's blood. While I may have looked bad, I was about to look a whole lot worse. See, like it doesn't suck enough to be a teenager who's a vampire who's a complete dork, I also have this other problem. I'm blood-intolerant.

More About the Author

Caissie St.Onge loves to write all kinds of things! Her main job is as a television comedy writer (Emmy nominated, even) and she's worked for The Late Show with David Letterman, The Rosie O'Donnell Show, VH1's Best Week Ever with Paul F. Tompkins, The Grammy Awards, The Tony Awards and The International Emmy Awards. She even wrote an episode of Nick Jr's The Wonder Pets! She's also worked for lots of shows you probably never heard of, but that's okay. Caissie regularly writes material for one of her favorite comedians and heroines, Joan Rivers.

Caissie's written lots of other stuff too, including commercials for soap and ice cream and cell phones that starred some bigshot Hollywood celebrities, plus an infomercial for collectible coins that starred a bigshot Pennsylvania numismatist very famous in coin-collecting circles! But enough bragging.

Besides her debut YA novel, Jane Jones: Worst. Vampire. Ever., Caissie has co-authored two books, The United Jokes of America and Maternity the Musical, with her pal, Alan Katz.

When she's not writing (sketches, songs, emails, grocery lists!) she can't get enough of hanging out with her husband Matt Debenham (an award-winning author of stories for grownups) and her two sons, Eli and Lincoln. What a bunch of really good eggs! They all live together in Connecticut, in a little red house that is full of animals and books and laughing.

Customer Reviews

This is a great book, with a teen drama/vampire twist.
J. Robson
Huh, I guess, now that I think about it, I really didn't like this book.
Jennifer L. Rinehart
This 45 yr old reader recommends this book for all ages.
Avid reader

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

7 of 8 people found the following review helpful By Rolando on May 18, 2011
Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
I bought my 10yo daughter this book because Caissie is one of the funniest and sweetest people I follow online. The 10yo usually resists my book recommendations, but after a couple of pages of JJWVE, she was hooked. She read it until she had to go to bed, then snuck out of bed to read it some more. She finished it when she got home from school the next day. There are themes that some parents might find inappropriate for a fourth-grader, so read it first if you're concerned. I'm sure you'll love it too.
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5 of 6 people found the following review helpful By Amazon Customer VINE VOICE on May 29, 2011
Format: Paperback Vine Customer Review of Free Product ( What's this? )
This book took awhile to really take off but once it did it pulled me in. This is not a heart pounding teen vampire drama. It's funny and had me laughing at so many funny one liners. A good example of what you'll get in the book is this line:"Leave it to me to be the first vampire in history to trip on her shoelace and stake herself through the heart". This was so different from any of the other vampire books I have read. I never found myself comparing this book or that book to this one, which was a nice change. I am sad to admit that the love story fell flat for me. I can't really give examples but there were some things about the relationship she had with the love interest that was just to quick. The story really did throw me off, I never knew what was going to happen next and that was also a nice change too. The book did have some swear words one of the characters had a mouth but it wasn't often and didn't detract from the story. There was some kissing but overall a good teen read. This is only a beginning to what will most likely be a trilogy. She set it all up for more to come. Not sure I will read the next one because the love story really fell short for me and that is what holds me. This book should really hit it off with teens who want something different.
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2 of 2 people found the following review helpful By FogCityBookGal VINE VOICE on June 21, 2011
Format: Paperback Vine Customer Review of Free Product ( What's this? )
I am clearly not the target audience for this book. I tried really hard to get into it - wanted to so badly! The title is awesome and the "problem" that Jane has to deal with (being a vampire allergic to blood) should be enough to carry it. I do enjoy YA books in general and I think pre-teens will get a kick out of this book, but I think it's truly too young for high school and up. Also, mega vampire fans (unless very young) probably will not like it.

My biggest problem was with the vampires in the story. Jane says the teen bully vampires (this book's version of Mean Girls) are older than her own mother, yet they still act like immature kids. To read that someone who has lived for so long (one joke was about the bubonic plague) but has not evolved from their adolescent state, really pulled me out of the story. I just couldn't move on from that. I'm sorry to say this book just wasn't for me.
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6 of 8 people found the following review helpful By AndeeD on May 10, 2011
Format: Paperback
I'm not even halfway through but I already love this book. I'm torn between reading fast and furiously because I want to know what happens to Jane and taking my sweet time so it doesn't end. And,no, I'm not a teen but a rather old mom who still loves this sassy, teen-angst-y book. I recommend it to all teen girls, certain sensitive teen boys and any adult who loves to laugh and also gets a weird thrill reliving the awkwardness of high school.

To be honest, I have the attention span of a gnat these days (I blame Twitter) but I'm able to focus on this book. Don't let this experience pass you by.
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful By Tiffany A. Harkleroad TOP 1000 REVIEWERVINE VOICE on July 31, 2011
Format: Paperback Vine Customer Review of Free Product ( What's this? )
As if being a teenage vampire is bad enough, Jane is also allergic to blood. How does that even happen? Jane spends her time trying to survive high school, an overprotective mom, boy troubles, and some embarrassing allergic reactions, but suddenly, she finds herself, and her family, facing some much more serious problems.

Vampires are still one of the hot young adult fiction topics, so we have seen, and I believe will continue to see, lots of books cropping up with vampires as the main characters. However, I thought this one sort of stood out. I think the author did a good job of showing how teen angst combined with vampire brooding can make life hell in high school.

Kids struggle through high school all the time, so Jane's character is easy for teens to relate to, even if her dilemmas are slightly different. I found the characters believable, as much as vamps can be I guess. The book made me remember why I hated high school myself. I think the book is probably most appropriate for older middle grade and high school readers, probably not a lot here to engage most adult readers, but still a pretty funny read none the less.
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful By drebbles VINE VOICE on July 12, 2011
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Jane Jones's "life" kind of sucks. As a vampire, she is forever stuck as an awkward teenager, dealing with peer pressure, dealing with her family having little money, too smart after years of high school, and awkward around boys. Oh and she's allergic to blood. She doesn't think anything will change but suddenly her "life" begins to look up when two boys seem to like her: one, Timothy, is a vampire and the other, Eli, is human. Jane's "life" seems to be brighter even if she becomes a bit suspicious about one of her teachers. And "life" gets even more interesting when Jane is faced with making a decision that may change her "life" forever.

"Jane Jones: Worst. Vampire. Ever" is a very cute and funny book aimed at readers ages 12 and up. While the main character and her family are vampires, this is no "Twilight" (which is a good thing). It is not so much a book about vampires as it is a book about a girl simply trying to fit in (and raises an interesting thought - imagine what it would be like to be a teenager dealing with peer pressure forever and ever). Jane is a nice heroine - a typical (if ageless) teenager who is a bit snarky, loves her little brother (even if he is annoying at times), and feeling a bit stifled by her parents. Even though she has been a teenager for many years, Jane still hasn't quite mastered peer pressure and young readers will no doubt empathize with Jane as she tries to get along with not only human students but fellow vampire students - she doesn't quite seem to fit into either world. Jane's attempts to fit in are both funny and at times sad (there is an elements of sadness involving the vampires throughout the book - imagine having to uproot your life every few years out of fear people will notice you aren't aging).
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