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Jane Jones: Worst. Vampire. Ever. Paperback – May 10, 2011


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Product Details

  • Age Range: 12 and up
  • Grade Level: 7 and up
  • Paperback: 240 pages
  • Publisher: Ember (May 10, 2011)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0375868917
  • ISBN-13: 978-0375868917
  • Product Dimensions: 6.1 x 0.5 x 8.2 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 3.9 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (68 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #390,230 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Editorial Reviews

About the Author

CAISSIE ST. ONGE is an Emmy-nominated comedy writer who's worked for The Late Show with David Letterman, The Rosie O'Donnell Show, and VH1's Best Week Ever, as well as a bunch of shows you probably haven't heard of (but that's okay). Caissie's written lots of other stuff, too, including commercials for soap, ice cream, and cell phones that starred some bigshot Hollywood celebrities, plus an infomercial for collectible coins that starred a prominent Pennsylvania numismatist. (But enough bragging.) Caissie lives in Connecticut with her husband and two sons, in a town that's a lot like the one described in these pages, but she's not a vampire . . . yet. This is Caissie's first novel.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

One

"Oh my God, you guys. I am sooooo wasted. Did you see me? I was totally chugging, and now I'm, like . . . totally wasted!"

Astrid Hoffman was one of my classmates at my new school, Port Lincoln High. So far, what I'd learned about her was that she was wealthy and confident and lovelier than any girl in the sophomore class. In fact, she was the most poised and best-looking girl in the entire school, from what I could tell, wasted or not. Even heavily intoxicated, even kind of slurring and drooling with her thick, glossy brown curls falling over her glassy green eyes, she was a looker. She made me sick.

Astrid turned her half-lidded gaze to me. "Jane! Jaaaaa-aaaane. It's your turn. Have a little drinky drink, new girl!" Everyone around the bonfire cheered and someone shoved me in Astrid's direction.

I nervously shook my head. Actually, if I'm being honest, I probably spastically shook my head. "Uh, no. No, thanks. I don't really . . ."

"Aw, Jane, what's the matter? Your mommy won't let you?" Astrid teased. Then the playful look slipped from her face, replaced by an expression of menacing threat. "I'm not asking, Jane, I'm telling you. Drink!"

Astrid bared her teeth at me as everyone around us started chanting, "Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!" So this, I recalled bitterly, is what peer pressure feels like. In the past, I'd learned to avoid peer pressure by avoiding as much contact as possible with my so-called peers, but on this night, I found myself understanding how things get out of hand. All of a sudden, it was like Lord of the Flies up in there and I found myself in not so great a position to resist.

I inched toward Astrid, my mind racing. Funny how a moment is enough time for your whole life to pass before your eyes but not long enough to think of a decent plan for escaping a crappy situation. Knowing there was no way to get out of it, I knelt beside her and said, "Okay, I'll drink."

"Good girl," she cooed, winking as she hefted the pale, bare leg of Ian Holcomb into my lap. There were two small holes in the soft, white pit of his knee, ringed with what looked almost like a lipstick kiss at the bottom of a love letter, but in the shade of his own blood.

The rest of Ian was facedown in the dirt, dozing happily, I presume. He was also wasted, but in the more traditional human sense. Probably on his dad's vodka and his mom's sugar-free Red Bull. Whatever he'd been drinking that night, Astrid had made it a point to corner Ian and thank him personally for inviting her to such an awesome rager. Then she made it a further point to lean in really close to his chest and say right into his ear, "I'm having an awesome time." Then, when Ian suggested that they go out for some air, she responded by saying, "That would be awesome." I have to admit, what Astrid lacked in vocabulary skills, she made up for in cunning. Now she was hosting her own little party by the side of the state road behind the Holcombs' property, and the bar was fully stocked with Ian's elevated blood-alcohol level.

As I bent over poor, dumb Ian's popliteal artery, I asked myself two questions: What the hell am I even doing here? and How am I gonna make this look good?

I pushed my glasses up my nose, then shoved my face right up against Ian's leg and clamped my mouth on a spot that looked clean. I closed my eyes and did my best to imitate the rapture I was supposed to be feeling as I sank my fangs into the flesh of the JV football captain. Only, I wasn't sinking my fangs into anything. I was completely faking it and I might have gotten away with it, too, if I hadn't gone in for that one last convincing slurp. That was when Ian, in his stupor, sort of snorted and jerked the way you do when you dream that you're falling. The sudden motion must have spiked his blood pressure for just a second, but one second was all it took for arterial blood spray to hit me full in the face. Horrified, I dropped Ian's leg as my hands flew up, too late to block the gruesome mist. My cheeks were slick. The lenses of my glasses were covered with sticky, warm drops. I tore them off and rubbed furiously at my eyes with the sleeve of my favorite flannel shirt.

"Jane!" Astrid howled. "What an idiot. You should see your face! You look totally hilarious." Oh, I'm sure I did look totally hilarious. We've all seen Carrie, right? Everybody knows that there's nothing more hysterically funny than a teenager suddenly and unexpectedly drenched in blood. Unfortunately, in my case, I didn't have the telekinesis necessary to make a tree fall on Astrid to shut her up. Unfortunately, I was having a difficult time even standing up.

As all the vampire kids circled around to get a better look at me, I realized something very bad had just happened. Whether it had dripped into my mouth as I sat there slack-jawed or whether it had aerosolized and gone up my nose, somehow I had ingested at least a tiny amount of Ian's blood. While I may have looked bad, I was about to look a whole lot worse. See, like it doesn't suck enough to be a teenager who's a vampire who's a complete dork, I also have this other problem. I'm blood-intolerant.

Customer Reviews

Also, great suspense and all around fun story.
C Edwards
Obviously, Jane doesn't fit in with the human kids at school, and because she's blood intolerant, she doesn't have much in common with the vampire kids either.
S. A. W.
As I finished this book, I realized that I found some things about the plot that I didn't like.
The Flashlight Reader

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

7 of 8 people found the following review helpful By Rolando on May 18, 2011
Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
I bought my 10yo daughter this book because Caissie is one of the funniest and sweetest people I follow online. The 10yo usually resists my book recommendations, but after a couple of pages of JJWVE, she was hooked. She read it until she had to go to bed, then snuck out of bed to read it some more. She finished it when she got home from school the next day. There are themes that some parents might find inappropriate for a fourth-grader, so read it first if you're concerned. I'm sure you'll love it too.
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5 of 6 people found the following review helpful By Amazon Customer VINE VOICE on May 29, 2011
Format: Paperback Vine Customer Review of Free Product ( What's this? )
This book took awhile to really take off but once it did it pulled me in. This is not a heart pounding teen vampire drama. It's funny and had me laughing at so many funny one liners. A good example of what you'll get in the book is this line:"Leave it to me to be the first vampire in history to trip on her shoelace and stake herself through the heart". This was so different from any of the other vampire books I have read. I never found myself comparing this book or that book to this one, which was a nice change. I am sad to admit that the love story fell flat for me. I can't really give examples but there were some things about the relationship she had with the love interest that was just to quick. The story really did throw me off, I never knew what was going to happen next and that was also a nice change too. The book did have some swear words one of the characters had a mouth but it wasn't often and didn't detract from the story. There was some kissing but overall a good teen read. This is only a beginning to what will most likely be a trilogy. She set it all up for more to come. Not sure I will read the next one because the love story really fell short for me and that is what holds me. This book should really hit it off with teens who want something different.
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2 of 2 people found the following review helpful By FogCityBookGal VINE VOICE on June 21, 2011
Format: Paperback Vine Customer Review of Free Product ( What's this? )
I am clearly not the target audience for this book. I tried really hard to get into it - wanted to so badly! The title is awesome and the "problem" that Jane has to deal with (being a vampire allergic to blood) should be enough to carry it. I do enjoy YA books in general and I think pre-teens will get a kick out of this book, but I think it's truly too young for high school and up. Also, mega vampire fans (unless very young) probably will not like it.

My biggest problem was with the vampires in the story. Jane says the teen bully vampires (this book's version of Mean Girls) are older than her own mother, yet they still act like immature kids. To read that someone who has lived for so long (one joke was about the bubonic plague) but has not evolved from their adolescent state, really pulled me out of the story. I just couldn't move on from that. I'm sorry to say this book just wasn't for me.
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6 of 8 people found the following review helpful By AndeeD on May 10, 2011
Format: Paperback
I'm not even halfway through but I already love this book. I'm torn between reading fast and furiously because I want to know what happens to Jane and taking my sweet time so it doesn't end. And,no, I'm not a teen but a rather old mom who still loves this sassy, teen-angst-y book. I recommend it to all teen girls, certain sensitive teen boys and any adult who loves to laugh and also gets a weird thrill reliving the awkwardness of high school.

To be honest, I have the attention span of a gnat these days (I blame Twitter) but I'm able to focus on this book. Don't let this experience pass you by.
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful By Between the Lines VINE VOICE on July 6, 2011
Format: Paperback Vine Customer Review of Free Product ( What's this? )
I read this book in hopes that it would be a decent read for my now 10 year old daughter. She has a very high reading level, and wants to read "vampire" books, but they are almost always inappropriate for a 10 year old to read. Sometimes it is too much sexual content, other times it is blood and gore. This book sounded cute and funny and for the most part it was.

Jane Jones is a teenage vampire. But unlike most vampires, her entire family was turned sometime during the Dust Bowl. So she is a teenager for all eternity. If that isn't bad enough, she also has an intolerance for blood. Yep, thats right, a blood-intolerant vampire. She must survive on a rare type of blood referred to as "Bombay Blood". That was one detail I would have like explained a bit more. Why this type of blood was fine when all others make Jane extremely ill.

The opening scene finds Jane at a party giving into peer pressure from other vampires. They are getting drunk off of drinking from a drunk "normal" teenager. She gives in and has a reaction in front of everyone. This year is different than the several decades of high school she has attended...this year she has not one, but two boys interested in her. One vampire boy and one human boy.

Because of her severe blood intolerance problem, Jane is desperate to find a legitimate "cure" for vampirism. It turns out her vampire boy crush, Timothy, is as well. This is when he drops the bombshell that he wants her to run away with him and become human and spend the rest of their human lives together. This is where one eyebrow raised for me.

I can't talk about the plot hole that really bothered me, without spoilers, so read no further if you don't want your read spoiled.
Read more ›
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful By Shawn Kovacich VINE VOICE on June 12, 2011
Format: Paperback Vine Customer Review of Free Product ( What's this? )
Jane is a teenage vampire that was changed during the Great Depression. He family was starving to death when their neighbors came over to help them. Sadly Jane was almost dead so when she was turned, she developed an allergy to blood. Fast forward to present day, she is in another high school being snubbed by humans and other vampires alike. This normally doesn't bother Jane. It doesn't help that her mother is trying to push Jane into spending time with other vampires her age, which starts even worse taunting from her fellow vampire students.

But when one of the cool vampire guys takes an interest in her and in an article she finds about a possible cure to vampirism, things start get interesting. Jane also has a human, Eli that is paired up with her to do a term paper on the Great Depression. He seems to have a crush on her but she can't really figure him out. When Astrid, the leader of the high school vampires, finds out about the supposed cure, things take a turn for the worst.

I really liked this book. It has to suck to be a teenage vampire that can't even eat. Jane has a snarky attitude that I absolutely love. She is also lucky to have the support of her family while going through life as a vampire. This is a great teenage story. I cannot wait to find out what happens in the next book.

Shawn Kovacich
Author of the Achieving Kicking Excellence book and DVD series.
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Most Recent Customer Reviews


More About the Author

Caissie St.Onge loves to write all kinds of things! Her main job is as a television comedy writer (Emmy nominated, even) and she's worked for The Late Show with David Letterman, The Rosie O'Donnell Show, VH1's Best Week Ever with Paul F. Tompkins, The Grammy Awards, The Tony Awards and The International Emmy Awards. She even wrote an episode of Nick Jr's The Wonder Pets! She's also worked for lots of shows you probably never heard of, but that's okay. Caissie regularly writes material for one of her favorite comedians and heroines, Joan Rivers.

Caissie's written lots of other stuff too, including commercials for soap and ice cream and cell phones that starred some bigshot Hollywood celebrities, plus an infomercial for collectible coins that starred a bigshot Pennsylvania numismatist very famous in coin-collecting circles! But enough bragging.

Besides her debut YA novel, Jane Jones: Worst. Vampire. Ever., Caissie has co-authored two books, The United Jokes of America and Maternity the Musical, with her pal, Alan Katz.

When she's not writing (sketches, songs, emails, grocery lists!) she can't get enough of hanging out with her husband Matt Debenham (an award-winning author of stories for grownups) and her two sons, Eli and Lincoln. What a bunch of really good eggs! They all live together in Connecticut, in a little red house that is full of animals and books and laughing.

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