Jesus Cries When You Touch Yourself is a comic monologue written in tribute to the late George Carlin on the topic of religious bullshit in America. Influenced by Carlin, Friedrich Nietzsche, Bill Maher, Monty Python, and the writers of South Park, the author uses constant mockery and absurdist humor on a tour of ridiculous beliefs in America. With devastating logic, Jesus, the most beloved character in all of history, is revealed to be the world’s greatest pedophile. After all, if Jesus is God, then everyday he watches billions of children take off their clothes and hundreds of millions of others go poop. Well, the great Poop Inspector would be a pedophile, if only he wasn’t merely our imaginary friend. From an invisible man in the sky that watches millions of people masturbate each day, to Jesus ascending into heaven and becoming an astronaut, to Catholics eating Jesus’ penis every Sunday, Jesus Cries When You Touch Yourself contrasts intense realism with comical religious absurdity in the most ambitious ridicule of religion ever written.