Start reading Jesus Cries When You Touch Yourself on the free Kindle Reading App or on your Kindle in under a minute. Don't have a Kindle? Get your Kindle here.

Deliver to your Kindle or other device

Enter a promotion code
or gift card

Try it free

Sample the beginning of this book for free

Deliver to your Kindle or other device

Sorry, this item is not available in
Image not available for
Image not available

To view this video download Flash Player


Jesus Cries When You Touch Yourself [Kindle Edition]

Adam McClaran
3.0 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (5 customer reviews)

Digital List Price: $2.99 What's this?
Kindle Price: $2.51
You Save: $0.48 (16%)

Free Kindle Reading App Anybody can read Kindle books—even without a Kindle device—with the FREE Kindle app for smartphones, tablets and computers.

To get the free app, enter your email address or mobile phone number.

Best Books of the Month
Best Books of the Month
Want to know our Editors' picks for the best books of the month? Browse Best Books of the Month, featuring our favorite new books in more than a dozen categories.

Book Description

Jesus Cries When You Touch Yourself is a comic monologue written in tribute to the late George Carlin on the topic of religious bullshit in America. Influenced by Carlin, Friedrich Nietzsche, Bill Maher, Monty Python, and the writers of South Park, the author uses constant mockery and absurdist humor on a tour of ridiculous beliefs in America. With devastating logic, Jesus, the most beloved character in all of history, is revealed to be the world’s greatest pedophile. After all, if Jesus is God, then everyday he watches billions of children take off their clothes and hundreds of millions of others go poop. Well, the great Poop Inspector would be a pedophile, if only he wasn’t merely our imaginary friend. From an invisible man in the sky that watches millions of people masturbate each day, to Jesus ascending into heaven and becoming an astronaut, to Catholics eating Jesus’ penis every Sunday, Jesus Cries When You Touch Yourself contrasts intense realism with comical religious absurdity in the most ambitious ridicule of religion ever written.

Product Details

  • File Size: 230 KB
  • Print Length: 167 pages
  • Page Numbers Source ISBN: 1453697675
  • Simultaneous Device Usage: Unlimited
  • Sold by: Amazon Digital Services, Inc.
  • Language: English
  • ASIN: B00452V8LO
  • Text-to-Speech: Enabled
  • X-Ray:
  • Lending: Enabled
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #585,462 Paid in Kindle Store (See Top 100 Paid in Kindle Store)
  •  Would you like to give feedback on images?.

Customer Reviews

3.0 out of 5 stars
3.0 out of 5 stars
Share your thoughts with other customers
Most Helpful Customer Reviews
2 of 3 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Jesus Cries When You Touch Yourself September 18, 2011
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
Well, Adam touches all the bases here, and it is well-written for the average reader who is just looking to confirm his or her bias. I agree with AM's take on the ridiculousiosity of religiosity; however, I was hoping for a more highbrow rendition - a la Hitchens or Harris. but beggars can't be choosers, and this book is funnier than hell. Carlin would approve.
Comment | 
Was this review helpful to you?
0 of 1 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars Kinda funny May 15, 2013
By Jodi
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
A lot of his humor was just regurgitated atheist humor and he comes across as a little unintelligent, or maybe just not a great writer. It was a short book though so it's worth the read for a quick chuckle or two.
Comment | 
Was this review helpful to you?
0 of 1 people found the following review helpful
2.0 out of 5 stars Not so much December 27, 2012
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
Take strong logical points about religion and inconsistencies and ruin it with constant repetition of the same counterpoint and insults the result is this book. This bookstores not sway the reader to leaving the trappings of religion. The sole purpose is to swear and insult believers.

This book came up as a search fir George Carlin. The content is no where near the quality of Carlin-like commentary.
Comment | 
Was this review helpful to you?
3 of 6 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars freaking hilarious February 28, 2011
By A Customer
Format:Kindle Edition
He is denouncing faith from the average atheist point of view then from some philosiphical crap I don't have the patience to read. The author does have a redundancy to call americans stupid but as an american i get to see the point. Very good read, i would recomend it to anyone so long as they dont mind a bit of vulgarity.
Comment | 
Was this review helpful to you?
1 of 10 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Garbage January 2, 2012
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
There are very few writers that use dirty words and still be humorous. The author of this pile of dung is not of them & hopefully won't quit his day job. Once again it proves that one cannot judge a book by it's cover!
Comment | 
Was this review helpful to you?
Search Customer Reviews
Search these reviews only

More About the Author

Discover books, learn about writers, read author blogs, and more.

What Other Items Do Customers Buy After Viewing This Item?


There are no discussions about this product yet.
Be the first to discuss this product with the community.
Start a new discussion
First post:
Prompts for sign-in

Look for Similar Items by Category