Customer Reviews

Joint Custody with a Jerk: Raising a Child with an Uncooperative Ex, A Hands on, practical guide to coping with custody issues that arise with an uncooperative ex-spouse

5 star:		(18)
4 star:		(6)
3 star:		(7)
2 star:		(4)
1 star:		(11)

 

 

If only the book really delivered on its title. As other reviewers have pointed out, it has some useful snippets, and it can't hurt to try them out. Go for it. But for those of us with ex's that really are, um, uncooperative, it offers little help; most of the tips assume a level of maturity and responsibility that my ex, for one, certainly lacks. The thought of actually taking the authors' core advice and telling my ex that her behavior makes me "feel upset," and that I would like her to change it, would be humorous if it weren't so painful. (In fact, it's more appropriate advice for an ongoing relationship that has some rough patches; if my ex were willing and/or able to respond positively to such requests, perhaps we wouldn't be exes.) My impulse is to say that, if you've got an ex who is as cooperative as those described in this book, you're relatively lucky, and don't really need a book with such a provocative title. Unfortunately, this may lead some to conclude that for those of us with truly difficult ex's -- those that really couldn't care less how we feel, let alone whether we find their behavior "inconvenient," and who view any interaction as an opportunity to express bitterness and hostility -- there is no recourse. On the positive side, just reading through the book may cause the reader to focus a little more on the importance of addressing his/her own attitudes and behavior, which is the most controllable element in the situation. There needs to be much more discussion of how to deal with those who don't respond to firm and principled verbal messages, beyond "if this doesn't work, maybe you need a lawyer or a therapist."

This book made two important points. First, if you don't like the way your ex parents your kids after your divorce, that's too bad. Why do divorced parents think they can dictate to each other how to parent? Part of getting a divorce is relinquishing all control you had over your former spouse. Unless your ex is abusing your children and you are ready to press formal charges, don't expect your ex to be interested in your criticisms of him or her. Second, if your kids are complaining to you about what goes on when they're with your ex, the best thing you can do for your kids is to refuse to play the middleman and insist the kids work out their problems with your ex themselves.

I think these are both good points, but this book gets caught up in hashing through all the detailed "methods" you can use to figure out what to do when problems come up. One that seemed particularly useless to me was using the "broken record" approach when communicating with your ex, just repeating what you want over and over. Not very mature or solution-oriented.

This book also took an old-fashioned approach to custody, assuming that one parent (usually the mom) is the real parent and the visiting parent is mostly just a pain. For a healthier view of post-divorce parenting, see "Mom's House, Dad's House," "The Custody Revolution: the Father Factor and the Motherhood Mystique," and "Children of Divorce: a Developmental Approach to Residence and Visitation."

My recommendation to parents is first, to accept that you can't tell your ex how to act, and second, to try one of the books listed above or "Why Did You Have to Get a Divorce? And When Can I Get a Hamster?" for a more grown-up approach to helping your kids through a very difficult time.

The two main things I got from this book were: 1) It helped me achieve a certain level of peace with my custody situation, and 2) It taught me some effective ways to communicate with both my ex and my son. These two things have definitely helped me get a handle on my custody chaos, and consequently I am able to focus more energy on parenting.

The book's early chapters deal with common problems that arise in an uncooperative custody relationship. The authors teach you how to break each problem down into the actual problems themselves, and the emotional component of the problems. By analyzing and understanding your own emotional reaction to an issue, you can deal with it much more effectively, and it ends up having less control over you. Sometimes you find that what you thought was a problem is actually not a problem at all, but just an emotional trigger.

Later chapters deal with effective ways to communicate with your ex. The suggestions the authors give are practical, and so far the ones I've used have worked. They are probably good for other types of relationships too.

The authors stress that building your child's self-esteem and self-confidence is extremely important. They also emphasize that even if your ex is a jerk, your child still loves and needs him or her. The authors teach that it is important to recognize how our words and actions affect our children.

I recommend this book for anyone who feels that their custody situation is out of control, or who has communication problems with their ex. No book will solve all your custody problems if your ex is a jerk. When you finish reading the book, your ex will probably still be a jerk. You will, however, be better equipped to deal with the jerk in your life.

The greatest thing about this book is that it doesn't try to dictate to you "this is how you must do this" - but instead, gives you ideas and examples how to handle situations. It doesn't try to tell you how to change the other person to your liking, but how you can change how you react and respond to the other person, and that is THE KEY in fostering a harmonious joint custody situation. The title is humorous - haven't we all felt like that?

I picked it up, bitter and looking for humor. What I got instead was a nearly plug-in formula for communicating with my ex who is so difficult we were forbidden to communicate except by email or text message. I learned how to not let him foist his problems onto me, while still not creating problems for our kids. Anyone who couldn't find value in this book is either as calm and wonderful as Mr. Rogers or simply cannot read. I'd even recommend this book to ANYONE who needs help "talking like a therapist" in order to get through communications with difficult people of any kind. I know its helping me.

This book is great for most divorced couples with children. It helps you examine the motivations for the decisions you make about your child(ren) without basing those decisons on irrational emotions.

However, I would not have ordered this book if I were privy to its scope beforehand because it admittedly offers little help for those dealing with abusive or deadbeat ex-spouses.

If only both parents would read this book first...before they begin a child custody battle, many family court attorneys and functionaries would be unemployed. This book provides valuable communication tools especially for parents beginning the divorce process. It can be helpful to those who are already in advanced stages of divorce & child custody 'wars' although creating and maintaining healthy communication may be more challenging after unhealthy patterns have taken hold and more time may be needed to succeessfully change negative behaviors. As the book warns: it is not intended for situations involving family violence or child abuse.

The book was loaded with great ways to open a line of communicatoin with your ex and had several methods for solving problems and helping your child to cope with divorce. Many tips on single parenting and carrying on a parenting relationship after the marital relationship has ceased! Highly recommended reading for both "Jerks!"

Most of the comments made are based on large assumptions about the dynamics of the relationships. I don't think it takes into account when you have an ex who isn't willing to work anything out. For such a circumstance I don't think this book really helps at all except understand your own feelings. I think I have a pretty good handle on my feelings and don't need any book to tell me how I feel or to help analyze myself for that matter. This book might help in trying to figure the ex out but in my opinion I think those are assumptions and opions as well and not neccessarily fact. If the author put in advice about legal options it might prove to be more useful.

This book has some snippets of good advice, so I had to at least give it 2 stars.

I can't give it any more than that, though, because the material is pretty weak. Basically, one of the authors runs classes to teach parents how to better communicate with their children (though is apparently not a degreed counselor). The other author is a writer who decided that these techniques could also be useful in dealing with an uncooperative ex.

I can't say they're completely wrong about this - after all, good communication comes in handy anywhere. But this makes for a very shaky premise. There's no research behind it, and they don't even bring any clinical experience with using these techniques in this situation!

(Plus, don't let your kids see the title. I threw the book out, considering that there was very little value compared to the risk that the kids would see it.)

For a sound book on the same topic, try "Mom's House, Dad's House" by Isolina Ricci.