Customer Reviews

Just How Married Do You Want to Be?: Practicing Oneness in Marriage

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I've read Sarah's other two books, and at this point, I think you could call me an outright Sumner fan (it's great to hear from her husband this time too). Let's see... I purchased my second copy halfway through the book and my third copy the day after I finished.

Since I come from the vantage of having absorbed Sarah's heftier volume on "Men and Women in the Church," I'll be interested to see how well others without that background or inclination follow the simpler delineation of theology in this volume. Here Sarah reframes the egalitarian side as the "diplomatic" model, the complementarian side as the "business" model, and her own, boldly, as the "biblical" model. I think this is wise and will prove helpful for mass distribution. A lot of people I know would be scared by the unfamiliar words and would assume they won't be able to "get it." So her vocabulary choice effectively removes an obstacle for many. Also, by calling her own model the "biblical" one (I happen to agree), she avoids the potentially overwhelming feeling of "pick and choose" that would greet those couples unfamiliar with theology (the anxiety factor). They are still free to pick and choose, of course, to discount her ideas and turn to others, but she simply presents her case as what the biblical answer is. For that, I give this presentation a hearty "brava" for its creative simplicity.

On the practical side, I'm thankful for Jim and Sarah's abandoned honesty. I've read a number of marriage helps from both sides of the camp and can say I saw myself in eye-opening ways in these pages more than any other. Their discussions of marital expectations, hot button issues, and so forth really hit the mark. The suggestion to choose a spouse who cannot stand the ways in which you are prone to sinning rather than one who is apt to be complicit in them is interesting. I've never particularly been one to make spousal "lists," but that sounds like a pretty meaty consideration to include.

Nuggets such as the comparison between our shared identity in marriage and our shared identity in Christ abound. This shared identity in marriage is not presented, thankfully, as one swallowing the other up as is so often more or less the case in marriage helps from the complementarian end where the woman is pretty much conceived to serve the man's identity. On the other hand, it celebrates and offers true meaning to the oneness equation in a way that egalitarian helps may not.

One way I like to think about true oneness, though not a Sumner metaphor, is as a drop of water which has been multiplied in size by the introduction of more water. As it "becomes" one, it often looks like two drops of water which have been fused. Thereafter, by the laws of physics, it struggles more than a smaller drop would to hold together, wobbling in its surface area as it makes a humble descent, sometimes starting to individuate again into the separate-but-fused look, and sometimes bursting. This represents something of the struggle of oneness. Incidentally, a like consideration of an engorged drop of water struggling not to split apart is (heh, heh) what led to the discovery of nuclear fission--a source of devastating destruction (A-bombs) but also of much beneficial energy. Apply as you will ;-). A fragile discipline. The really good news is that this enlargement represents the expansion of soul in oneness and, therefore, the sphere which we are able to influence for Christ. I believe we touch on these principles in other sorts of unity, such as within the true fellowship of the body of believers, but the marriage relationship is unique in manner and degree. So is our marriage as the Church to Christ, and that is Emily Dickinson take-my-head-off poetry (ha! An accidental pun. As Sarah explains, headship is a real and rich principle, so perhaps we should leave that head on)--that each minutest particle of our soul would be striving to know, enter, and maintain that balance, that rest, of redemptive bond as we, like Him, descend in humility to ascend.

The Sumners' evaluation of appropriate confrontation and the group forms of it described in Matthew 18 is excellent. (Incidentally, I've long been looking for such a group of people with whom to really work out the Christian walk, a personal objection I imagine not a few would file to the applicability of Matthew 18. Some of us are living in communities where de-masked fellowship which is also intent on holiness is incredibly hard to find. Moreover, too few seem inclined to hold men accountable for much of anything apart from those sins of a lascivious nature, leaving the wives at a bit of a loss as to how to gather appropriate witnesses; the weight of problems still tends to be loaded on the women in so many Christian subcultues. But I am ever hopeful--and personally trying--to see the Church become who She's meant to be. The scripture is indeed clear about the format we should follow, and I, too, have found Matthew 18 really fruitful when I have found opportunity to use it.)

This is not an exhaustive book on marriage how-tos but one which lays out many principles and paradigms to point us in good directions. For instance, it incorporates the most basic of Sarah's motivational personality charts from "Leadership Above the Line." I hope that a new wave of writers will emerge who take this biblical marriage model and run with it, teasing out more of the psychological applications, etc. I've already begun to do a tiny bit of this in my own writing where it's come up, but marriage is certainly not my area of expertise in either training or experience (I'm single).

"Just How Married Do you Want to Be?" has become my favored gift-giving option overnight. However, for those couples who I severely doubt would soon be receptive to its non-hierarchical conclusions, I'll continue to reach for "Sacred Marriage" by Gary L. Thomas. Or both.

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P.S.--Note from mid-2009: I have since discovered more of the diversity of biblical scholarship and attitude within the egalitarian camp and have felt compelled to join Christians for Biblical Equality. There are some things I still hold with a loose hand and things which I check and recheck, but I did feel led to "sign up" for the egalitarian title. While Sumner would not apply the title to herself, she is still overall my favored theologian on this topic, and her book of marital advice is favored as well. In my mind, I am a Sumner-flavored egalitarian; she thinks as I do about some scriptures far more than most egalitarians do. Yet this very thinking leads me, personally, to honor the importance of egalitarian conclusions.

My wife and I have a traditional arrangement: she's a full time stay home mom, I work 50+ hours per week in a very male field (cop), 3 kids with one home schooled, whole family is very into our evangelical Quaker faith. HOWEVER, we are not traditional "people" : we have never fit well into the traditional gender role idealogy, because we are VERY egalatarian in everything we do (one of the #1 reasons we love the evangelical Quaker church). So when we hunted for marriage books over the last 15 years of our marriage, we were always frustrated and disappointed with male domintated materials. This marriage book is the first book we have read that we can feel comfortable with most of the ideas presented. It is a breath of fresh air for us, and all the concepts are rooted in scripture. This book will (help us) improve our marriage like nothing we've read before. If your marriage is not the common heirarchial type and you have been frustrated with marriage books for a loooooong time, this is THE ONLY book for you.

I mean c'mon- the author stories alone are worth it! She is a female bible scholar (very rare), and her pastor husband was a stripper BC?! You can't beat THAT marriage match for variety and challenge to the your readers. As a former beer truck driver/bounty hunter/and cop for over a decade, I need stuff that REALLY cuts to the heart of things.

Of course, this book will be a difficult read for those who MUST HAVE the old tradtional Christian marriage model.

This book is incredibly honest and you can tell that Sarah and Jim aren't trying to write a book to look awesome to the world. It is deeply theological. Most marriage books are informed through psychology (which is great), however I find it incredibly refreshing to look at marriage theologically and meditate on the implications of oneness and being members of the body of Christ. Also, Headship as a biblical metaphor is unpacked very clearly and concisely. It deepened my understanding even after reading Sarah Sumner's Men and Women in the Church. Great book and worth the read.

[Disclaimer: Given that I'm not very well versed in the egalitarian-complementarian wars, I'm not exactly sure what I think of Jim and Sarah Sumner's new book Just how married do you want to be? While I suspect I fall more to one side than the other, I don't have enough cold hard facts to strongly defend my position, so I approached this book with a bit of both skepticism and intrigue.]

What initially intrigued me about the Sumner's book is that it is written by a female with her Ph.D. and her former male-stripper husband. Talk about an unlikely couple from which to learn about marriage! Regardless of their theological interpretations of gender relationships, surely they have some deep insight into relationship by virtue of being able to stay married! They did not disappoint. With candor and at times painful honesty, they explore how they have transversed their differences to pursue oneness in marriage. While Sarah details how her pride and selfishness prevented pursuing oneness with her husband, Jim discusses how his background his background and temper affected their relationship. They speak in specifics, exploring how their attitudes, issues, and expectations affect one another and how they have learned to respond differently.

Just how married do you want to be? includes a fairly thorough examination of the texts which speak of women submitting to men and men being the head of the wife. I'm have zero training in Greek translation, so I can't speak to that, other than saying they make an intriguing argument for one in midst of trying to understand these passages. The Sumner's basic position seems to be this:

Both the traditional view of marriage where women submit to men (complementarianism) and view in which men and women are equal to one another fall short of the Biblical model.

They suggest that the marital relationship is neither hierarchical nor equal - it is a model where the man and the woman become one. Neither comes ahead of each other, and they are continually moving ahead and behind each other by submitting and sacrificing for the other's best interest. The `Oneness' model is not an option I had heard of before, so I was intrigued to find out more about it.

By far, the best parts of the book are the honesty with which they speak of marriage. They readily admit it is not an easy venture, and that even the most in-love humans struggle to live love out in daily practice. At times, I found it difficult to follow their `turn-taking' method of writing and had to reread to follow the point. However, they explained this approach at the beginning, and it didn't significantly hamper my understanding of the book itself. Overall, it strikes me that their proposal of the `Oneness Model' seems to be an important piece missing in the discussion at large about marital relationships. While I still don't know how much I agree or disagree (there's so much more to read!), I found it a very helpful piece of the puzzle to turn over and spin around for awhile.

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We have been married for 43 years and found this book a real help for this season of our life together. Over the years we have heard many "theories" of what submission and headship means in a marriage, it was refreshing to read the Biblical truth in such simple and clear terms.

Thank you, Jim and Sarah for being so open about your realtionship and thank you for the help you gave us. Your book has made a difference in our relationship. Susan and John Kimes

My husband and I are especially drawn to the biblical model of marriage as our desire is to live out our marriage in such a way that those needing Jesus will be drawn to Him. The title carries a double meaning: Just how married do you want to be to your spouse? And just how married do you want to be to Christ?
This was an amazing look at marriage, presented clearly as a covenant created by God to enable us to work out our growth as Christians, as well as truly becoming One with our spouse for a victorious marriage. The insights of being open and searching our souls for hidden attitudes and defenses explains how the work of growing closer in our marriage can draw us closer to God.
The honest examples of struggle in understanding our spouse is encouraging to us at every stage of marriage, whether newlywed or veteran. We have been encouraged to open ourselves to greater intimacy and understanding of each other, as we realize there is always more ways we can draw closer to becoming One. Being in community with other believers was shown to be an essential part of the growth process.
The scripture references were very helpful and certainly shed light on the topics as being a covenant from God.

After reading other marriage-improvement guides, this book has gotten down to the source of the relational problem: husbands and wives attempting to relate to one another from all the wrong premises.

Society in general has given Christians false ideas on how spouses are to relate and function together, but Jim and Sarah Sumner have gone back to the foundation stone: Jesus Christ. They explore how Christ and the church are in unity as husband and wife are to be one.

This book is open and honest, hard-hitting, and serious about individuals working toward a genuine oneness in marriage. Recommended reading for anyone committed to having true unity in holy matrimony.

Although I am a very single Seminary student, i absolutely loved this book. It is a continuation of sorts of her book "Men and Women in the Church", (I highly recommend that as well), but after reading and being familiar with books about Christian relationships and marriage I can honestly say that this book is one of the best ones out there Biblically speaking. The manner in which she explains Oneness in the Bible encourages and exorts both the husband and wife instead of burdening them with "roles".

Although people try to define and label Sumner, she makes it clear that she is not on either side because their perspectives are flawed Biblically. She sticks to her label as a Christian and compells we as readers to follow what God has said about marriage and relationships.

This book goes beyond and challenges couples to really think on oneness and not who is going to do what. I bought this copy as a wedding gift. LOVE Sarah Sumner!

This book is a must read. Wonderful & so awesome! We read it in our small group. So good