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How To Keep Sparkly Emo Vampires Off Your Lawn Kindle Edition

3.5 out of 5 stars 46 customer reviews

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Length: 26 pages Enhanced Typesetting: Enabled

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Editorial Reviews

Review

"This spoof is one of those short reads you want to read over and over again. No matter how many times it will keep you smiling and even laughing at some parts as it makes fun of a certain series despite never saying names."
  --Starcrossed Book Reviews

"If you liked Twilight, you'll either love this because you have a sense of humor, or you'll hate it because it makes fun of the characters and you're one of those people that gets very attached to fictional beings."
 --Mireille Chester

"Absolutely hilarious. Mr. Cooley has the kind of humor I find funny and takes quite the bite out of the whole Twilight Saga with this spoof novelette."
  --Danielle Blanchard Benson

From the Author

Please support my work by leaving reviews. 
 

Thanks so much!

Product Details

  • File Size: 184 KB
  • Print Length: 26 pages
  • Simultaneous Device Usage: Unlimited
  • Publisher: 451ink (June 17, 2011)
  • Publication Date: June 17, 2011
  • Sold by: Amazon Digital Services LLC
  • Language: English
  • ASIN: B0056KOMWG
  • Text-to-Speech: Enabled
  • X-Ray:
  • Word Wise: Not Enabled
  • Lending: Enabled
  • Enhanced Typesetting: Enabled
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #551,720 Paid in Kindle Store (See Top 100 Paid in Kindle Store)
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More About the Author

I have been writing science fiction and fantasy stories for many years.
My writing has an edge to it. I enjoy exploring the dark and surreal landscapes of the mind.

The first three novels in my Legend Of The Crystals series are out (Crystal Warrior, Crystal Origin, and Crystal Legacy). Book Four (Crystal Fire) should be out in 2015.

I have many stories out in different genres:

Crystal Warrior, Crystal Origin, Crystal Legacy -- Epic Fantasy
Bryn Morrow, Alpha Male -- Paranormal Romance
Skin Of Giants -- Science Fiction
Eater of Eyes -- Horror
How To Keep Sparkly Emo Vampires Off Your Lawn -- Parody
She Stands At The Precipice -- Poetry



Thanks for reading!
Mike

Customer Reviews

Top Customer Reviews

Format: Kindle Edition Verified Purchase
An 80-year old man from Spoon doesn't understand why sparkly emo vampires, waxed werewolves and a clumsy, whiny girl keep coming to his backyard. Music, Dracula, priests, fences... nothing he tries to get rid of them works.

The title of this story drew me in. If it did the same to you, just buy it already it. Author Mike Cooley's tongue-in-cheek story is brilliant... or should I say sparkly? It's short, but worth the price. It's not perfect -- the protagonist as an 80-year old is not very convincing (40 would have worked better), but that's a very minor detail in what is freaking hilarious book.

Also, the more familiar you are with pop culture (the Twilight series and beyond), the more you'll enjoy the story. It has a lot of allusions - autotune, Vogon poetry, Kenny G, Cujo, etc. - that made the geek in me smile.
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Format: Kindle Edition Verified Purchase
I loved the Twilight Series, I read it more than once. This satirical send up of the series was hilarious. I believe I laughed my socks right off. This is the first kindle book that I actually highlighted passages in. Thank you for the laughs, I'm recommending the book to my nieces who are all twilight fans.
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Format: Kindle Edition Verified Purchase
Giggled all the way through it, and the bonus story at the back. And I seriously needed a giggle. Though what was a weensy bit frightening about this parody was how faithful the details were to the original source material -- which means the author had to have read all the books and possibly seen at least one of the movies. Eek. Guilty pleasure all around.
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Format: Kindle Edition Verified Purchase
Ok, first of all I liked the Twilight series, not proud of that, but I did like it. This was a cute take off on the series from a disgruntled neighbor who is tired of the whole lot of them. Clearly from the title it was going to be a satire. His descriptions of the star characters are amusing, and the story is a little light reading before a long day. I mean what is worse than a sparkly, emo anything?
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By M. Valero on September 17, 2012
Format: Kindle Edition Verified Purchase
I love Twilight and Twilight parodies, but this was just poorly written and badly edited. I am so happy I only spent a dollar on it, as it was not even worth that. The actual story was half of this tiny ebook and the other half was a story about powerpoint/zombies. That was marginally less awful. Save your dollar!
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It's bad enough to be an 80-year-old man stuck with a bunch of vampires hanging around your property, but when all they do is sulk and sparkle, it's just damned annoying. Then a ditzy, vampire-besotted human girl shows up to make things even more disgusting. Oh, wait, there are also a bunch of waxed werewolves wearing out their welcome.

No one should have to put up with such nonsense, but the elderly narrator of this story finds himself in the terrible position of needing to rid himself of this mewling bunch of pansy vampires and hairless werewolves. He tries it all, even hires a REAL vampire to come and put the fear of God, er, maybe I should say the fear of Vlad into these young whippersnappers. Nothing works, until .... well, now, you'll have to buy the book to find out if he ever manages to shoo the paranormal trespassers away. The story is full of laugh-out-loud moments, and though I agree with another reviewer that the narrator didn't quite fit (I would have liked him to be a bit younger, too), his aggravation and exasperation are hilarious yet quite understandable. Who wants sparkly vampires on their lawns? Wait -- who wants sparkly vampires anywhere??

In all fairness, I do feel I should warn readers that the bonus story, "Powerpoint Zombies" does not provide the laughs of the main story. It is very short and feels undeveloped and not that interesting. It could really do with some fleshing out.
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Format: Kindle Edition
I absolutely loved this book. Hands down it is probably my favorite read this week. It had me smiling from the get go, a hard task considering I was sick and sleepy. I accidently stumbled on it while searching for something to read and hopefully wear my eyes out so I could fall asleep. Lucky me this was what I stumbled on.

This spoof is one of those short reads you want to read over and over again. No matter how many times it will keep you smiling and even laughing at some parts as it makes fun of a certain series despite never saying names. Once you read the first chapter you will know though.
I read it twice trying to find that quote that stuck out at me, but the truth is I loved the entire thing just as much. I even recommended it to my fiance, someone who seems to have a deathly allergy to reading a book. Who, after hearing a short summary, is thinking about reading it.
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Format: Kindle Edition
This story was the most fun I've had in a long time. A hilarious and cleverly written parody of...well, if you don't know what it is a parody of, then you won't get the story. It is told from the perspective of an old-timer from a small Pacific Northwestern town called Spoon who has a problem with unwanted loiterers on his lawn. These sparkly intruders have, for some reason, chosen his lawn to stand around brooding and trying to look cool. Then the clumsy girl who trips over everything shows up, followed by a bunch of waxed were-things. How does he finally get rid of them? Well, just buy the dang book already and find out!

Whether you're a twi-hard, or a twi-not, this is a really fun read!
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