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How To Keep Sparkly Emo Vampires Off Your Lawn [Kindle Edition]

Mike Cooley
3.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (46 customer reviews)

Kindle Price: $0.99

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Book Description

Back in the day, we never had a problem with these pesky sparkly vampires. Oh, we would get an occasional deer in the yard, or a squirrel, or even a raccoon, but never vampires. It was a peaceful, quiet little town in the Pacific Northwest called Spoon. We never caused anyone any trouble and they left us well enough alone.

But those days are gone. Now these emo vampires are everywhere. Not to mention those dang waxing werewolves. It’s getting to the point where you can’t even have a beer in the backyard without some blood sucking freak moping about.

Editorial Reviews


"This spoof is one of those short reads you want to read over and over again. No matter how many times it will keep you smiling and even laughing at some parts as it makes fun of a certain series despite never saying names."
  --Starcrossed Book Reviews

"If you liked Twilight, you'll either love this because you have a sense of humor, or you'll hate it because it makes fun of the characters and you're one of those people that gets very attached to fictional beings."
 --Mireille Chester

"Absolutely hilarious. Mr. Cooley has the kind of humor I find funny and takes quite the bite out of the whole Twilight Saga with this spoof novelette."
  --Danielle Blanchard Benson

From the Author

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Thanks so much!

Product Details

  • File Size: 173 KB
  • Print Length: 25 pages
  • Simultaneous Device Usage: Unlimited
  • Sold by: Amazon Digital Services, Inc.
  • Language: English
  • ASIN: B0056KOMWG
  • Text-to-Speech: Enabled
  • X-Ray:
  • Word Wise: Not Enabled
  • Lending: Enabled
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #429,879 Paid in Kindle Store (See Top 100 Paid in Kindle Store)
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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews
9 of 10 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Just Buy It August 30, 2011
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
An 80-year old man from Spoon doesn't understand why sparkly emo vampires, waxed werewolves and a clumsy, whiny girl keep coming to his backyard. Music, Dracula, priests, fences... nothing he tries to get rid of them works.

The title of this story drew me in. If it did the same to you, just buy it already it. Author Mike Cooley's tongue-in-cheek story is brilliant... or should I say sparkly? It's short, but worth the price. It's not perfect -- the protagonist as an 80-year old is not very convincing (40 would have worked better), but that's a very minor detail in what is freaking hilarious book.

Also, the more familiar you are with pop culture (the Twilight series and beyond), the more you'll enjoy the story. It has a lot of allusions - autotune, Vogon poetry, Kenny G, Cujo, etc. - that made the geek in me smile.
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7 of 8 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Sparkly Good Fun January 31, 2012
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
I loved the Twilight Series, I read it more than once. This satirical send up of the series was hilarious. I believe I laughed my socks right off. This is the first kindle book that I actually highlighted passages in. Thank you for the laughs, I'm recommending the book to my nieces who are all twilight fans.
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3 of 3 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Sparkly goodness August 5, 2012
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
Giggled all the way through it, and the bonus story at the back. And I seriously needed a giggle. Though what was a weensy bit frightening about this parody was how faithful the details were to the original source material -- which means the author had to have read all the books and possibly seen at least one of the movies. Eek. Guilty pleasure all around.
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2 of 2 people found the following review helpful
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
Ok, first of all I liked the Twilight series, not proud of that, but I did like it. This was a cute take off on the series from a disgruntled neighbor who is tired of the whole lot of them. Clearly from the title it was going to be a satire. His descriptions of the star characters are amusing, and the story is a little light reading before a long day. I mean what is worse than a sparkly, emo anything?
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2 of 2 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Terrible September 17, 2012
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
I love Twilight and Twilight parodies, but this was just poorly written and badly edited. I am so happy I only spent a dollar on it, as it was not even worth that. The actual story was half of this tiny ebook and the other half was a story about powerpoint/zombies. That was marginally less awful. Save your dollar!
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Sparkly Vampires Go Home! May 26, 2012
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
It's bad enough to be an 80-year-old man stuck with a bunch of vampires hanging around your property, but when all they do is sulk and sparkle, it's just damned annoying. Then a ditzy, vampire-besotted human girl shows up to make things even more disgusting. Oh, wait, there are also a bunch of waxed werewolves wearing out their welcome.

No one should have to put up with such nonsense, but the elderly narrator of this story finds himself in the terrible position of needing to rid himself of this mewling bunch of pansy vampires and hairless werewolves. He tries it all, even hires a REAL vampire to come and put the fear of God, er, maybe I should say the fear of Vlad into these young whippersnappers. Nothing works, until .... well, now, you'll have to buy the book to find out if he ever manages to shoo the paranormal trespassers away. The story is full of laugh-out-loud moments, and though I agree with another reviewer that the narrator didn't quite fit (I would have liked him to be a bit younger, too), his aggravation and exasperation are hilarious yet quite understandable. Who wants sparkly vampires on their lawns? Wait -- who wants sparkly vampires anywhere??

In all fairness, I do feel I should warn readers that the bonus story, "Powerpoint Zombies" does not provide the laughs of the main story. It is very short and feels undeveloped and not that interesting. It could really do with some fleshing out.
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars A very clever parody! March 12, 2012
Format:Kindle Edition
This story was the most fun I've had in a long time. A hilarious and cleverly written parody of...well, if you don't know what it is a parody of, then you won't get the story. It is told from the perspective of an old-timer from a small Pacific Northwestern town called Spoon who has a problem with unwanted loiterers on his lawn. These sparkly intruders have, for some reason, chosen his lawn to stand around brooding and trying to look cool. Then the clumsy girl who trips over everything shows up, followed by a bunch of waxed were-things. How does he finally get rid of them? Well, just buy the dang book already and find out!

Whether you're a twi-hard, or a twi-not, this is a really fun read!
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3 of 4 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars A Sparkly Little Spoof October 7, 2011
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
A sparkly little spoof of the Twilight Series, Mike Cooley's book captivated my attention with the title. The story about an elderly gentleman trying to keep the undead and immortals off his lawn had me laughting out loud throughout the tale. Highly recommended if you need a book to lighten your day!
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Most Recent Customer Reviews
3.0 out of 5 stars good for a laugh
It's a silly little book, good for a laugh. Don't read too much into it.
Published 4 days ago by Amazon Customer
5.0 out of 5 stars Hilarious
I think it was a funny hilarious twist on Twilight. I would recommend it to anyone who doesn't like Twilight. I loved it!!
Published 28 days ago by Lily
4.0 out of 5 stars Cute
I got this on a whim and was not disappointed. Very cute and fun. The added bonus story was just ok but the main story was great.
Published 1 month ago by C. D. Lux
3.0 out of 5 stars its short. go ahead
It was Fine. Not laugh out loud but a fun diversion.
Published 2 months ago by Amanda Allmendinger
5.0 out of 5 stars I don't want to give anything away but I'm rethinking my teaching...
A fun read that is STILL a better love story than... well, you know. Just read it. You'll smile, and it'll give you something to think about.
Published 5 months ago by Kimberly Wells
5.0 out of 5 stars Five Stars
Funny...I laughed the entire time I was reading it
Published 7 months ago by Kindle Customer
5.0 out of 5 stars Five Stars
I laughed so hard I nearly peed my pants
Published 8 months ago by Elizabeth
4.0 out of 5 stars Sparkle, vampie, sparkle!
Seems like sparkly vampires are much harder to keep out of the backyard. Who would have guessed! This is a funny short story pointing out the dangers of trying to protect one's... Read more
Published 9 months ago by Phoebe Matthews
2.0 out of 5 stars Wasn't my kind of book
I was not interested and not impressed ..Will not look for this. author . possible it might be just not my kind of book.
Published 9 months ago by geniemackbrown
5.0 out of 5 stars so funny
Mike Cooly did an amazing job by criticizing the "Twilight" series.
It made me laugh in the way he made him self sound like Herbert the pervert
With all his... Read more
Published 11 months ago by Wendy Lightner
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More About the Author

I have been writing science fiction and fantasy stories for many years.
My writing has an edge to it. I enjoy exploring the dark and surreal landscapes of the mind.

The first three novels in my Legend Of The Crystals series are out (Crystal Warrior, Crystal Origin, and Crystal Legacy). Book Four (Crystal Fire) should be out in 2015.

I have many stories out in different genres:

Crystal Warrior, Crystal Origin, Crystal Legacy -- Epic Fantasy
Bryn Morrow, Alpha Male -- Paranormal Romance
Skin Of Giants -- Science Fiction
Eater of Eyes -- Horror
How To Keep Sparkly Emo Vampires Off Your Lawn -- Parody
She Stands At The Precipice -- Poetry

Thanks for reading!

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