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194 of 222 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Really good, but needs to clarify his definition of "Marriag
This is an exceptional book of its kind -- I usually loathe so called "Self-Help" books, but I find the author's "Imago" theory -- based on the belief that we subconciously seek out partners that resemble our parents because they trigger childhood wounds and/or parts of ourselves we have disowned, and the reason for this is that our subconcious has a...
Published on May 2, 2002 by Elmer Craven

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4 of 4 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars Too much of "that stuff" - and not enough of his good advice
My feeling is that he spends to much effort on constructing and trying to support a thesis that early and middle childhood "hurts" by basically your "parents" are the basis for making bad mate selections. I'm not sure it applies to me. I'm 70 and was divorced by my one and only wife of 45 years - 3 yrs ago. So I'm dating again, my live-in of 7 months is nothing like my...
Published 13 months ago by Bluewater cruiser


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194 of 222 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Really good, but needs to clarify his definition of "Marriag, May 2, 2002
By 
Elmer Craven (Union City, CA United States) - See all my reviews
This review is from: Keeping the Love You Find: A Personal Guide (Paperback)
This is an exceptional book of its kind -- I usually loathe so called "Self-Help" books, but I find the author's "Imago" theory -- based on the belief that we subconciously seek out partners that resemble our parents because they trigger childhood wounds and/or parts of ourselves we have disowned, and the reason for this is that our subconcious has a deep yearning for those wounds to be healed, and for us to reclaim our shadow parts and become whole again. Is that long-winded enough ??? There's no magic answers here, but reading this book you may begin to understand why you repeat the same destructive behaviors in relationships, and begin to realize that far from being something that's beyond your control, it is in fact patterns that your subconcious is deliberately recreating, and will in fact continue to do so until you conciously decide to heal.
However, I find his assertion that complete healing is only possible within the context of a committed marriage to be a complete fallacy, and I base this assertion on experience, on individuals I know who have made incredible healing breakthroughs as single people. Yes, the guarantee of a committed lifelong partner and a commitment to each other's healing creates a stable and permanent environment for healing and growth to happen, but such healing and growth is possible outside the context of a marriage. It may involve more work and more commitment on the part of the individual, but believe me, its possible.
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96 of 111 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars A Challenging Experience, January 10, 2000
By A Customer
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This review is from: Keeping the Love You Find: A Personal Guide (Paperback)
This book is not handing out easy answers. The books main focus is helping you dig up your personal info. Such things as Upbringing, Dating History, Sexual History, Self-Opinion, Personality, Dreams, etc. When you understand more about yourself, you understand what you need.
A bit of warning though, Dr. Hendrix's book could leave you depressed at times. The exercises are very personal in nature and can reopen old wounds, traumas, etc. In the middle I asked myself "Is there any hope for me?" Hendrix answers with a firm, undeniable yes. And its true.
I would recommend it to anyone at any age who is willing to do some soul searching, emotional understanding, and self awareness.
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138 of 166 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars The Best Self-Help Book I've Ever Read, February 9, 2000
By A Customer
This review is from: Keeping the Love You Find: A Personal Guide (Paperback)
Over the past five years, I have reread KTLYF and redone all the exercises several times (I'm midway through the fourth now). Each time, I learn more about myself and my relationships. Each time, I am enlightened by some new insight or gratified to see my hypotheses validated. KTLYF applies real, complex psychology principles in a way that lay people can understand. It's not easy. You are asked to do exercises to uncover yourself. If you don't do the exercises, the book will be of little value. The fastest I've ever been through the process has been a month of working on it several hours a day. But every minute is worth the time and the effort. I can see why I've made the choices I've made; I can see that they actually make sense; I don't need to beat myself up for making them. I am aware. And that awareness is a giant step toward healing and finding the type of love I seek. This is the best self-help book I've ever read.
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43 of 50 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Great for someone who wants to understand., January 24, 2002
By A Customer
This review is from: Keeping the Love You Find: A Personal Guide (Paperback)
Have you ever wrestled with youself when you want to call a girlfriend for the fifth time in a day? Ever immediately think that when someone doesn't answer the phone or return a call immediately, that something is falling apart in the relationship or that they are leaving you? Do you over-try to make someone like you? How about the flip side of this... do you run for cover if a relationship gets to close? Do you become more cold or callous towards your partner the warmer they become toward you?
I was always a hold-out on getting therapy until I had a second affair on my wife. At that point, the pattern of things I was doing became very obvious, but I didn't understand why I kept wanting to make sure I had an escape route from my relationships.
On the advice of my counselor, I went to pick up "Getting the Love You Want" guide for couples, but I also picked up this book as I felt it focused more on the individual. It made sense to me that if I didn't straighten myself out, how could I work on a relationship. I've thoroughly enjoyed working through this book (about 1/3 though so far) and it's written in a way that, for me, sparks thoughts constantly. I've noticed much more about myself than I ever did before and I feel like I'm getting the understanding I need so that I can move forward in being able to be in a mutually healthy relationship. Even in the beginning 1/3 of the book, I now see that the kind of person I marry (twice) and the kind of person I had an affair with (twice as I said before) are quite different from each other but EXTREMELY consistant to the other in their category. But I also see consistancy throughout all the people involved as well.
The excercises should be done slowly, if you breeze through them you can't be very serious about working out the issues as most require honest exploration and consideration.
All in all, I'm quite pleased with this book and the new experience of learning something about myself. In many ways, I've felt I've gotten as much from this book as I have my therapy, though I think the balance of having a third party to talk to is very beneficial as well. I've liked this so much, I've seriously considered going to one of the workshops.
Edit: I wanted to add, I have found it helpful later in the book to keep a journal as often, the reading has triggered thoughts, questions and revelations that I wanted to remember for myself as well as discuss with my counselor.
Further, this book has been terrific in pointing out the type of people I'm attracted to, and why. This kind of information is instrumental in development and maturing in present or furture relations.
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56 of 67 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars I can't say enough good things, December 12, 2003
By A Customer
This review is from: Keeping the Love You Find: A Personal Guide (Paperback)
This book has been very helpful to my partner and I. It truly made a difference. In fact, we believe that the book was much more helpful than the therapist that recommended the book. While we used the book as a couple, I strongly recommended it to singles who want to understand themselves better. The exercises are key. If you want things to change for the better -- give this book a try. As for my partner and I, we used this book over a year ago and happily the effects have been lasting. Why am taking the time to write this? Because it sucks to be confused and unhappy and I've been there -- so if this helps anyone take a step in the right direction, I've done a good deed.
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24 of 28 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars A Truly Excellent Way to Look Inside Yourself, May 30, 2003
By 
Marcy N. Schwab "marcy39" (Vienna, Virginia United States) - See all my reviews
This review is from: Keeping the Love You Find: A Personal Guide (Paperback)
As someone who has been in love several times, I can tell you that it's very difficult to get over someone who has been so special to you. We all know this, of course. This book has given me the understanding of what it takes to ensure that I carefully look at each relationship, understand what has happened, and use that knowledge to make the next relationship stronger and more likely to succeed.
I've met someone, he's terrific, and I'm feeling much more confident that things will work out. Or at least, I will be more aware of what I am doing and the end result will be one of understanding rather than confusion and hurt.
Every failed relationship in my life, and there have been a few, had one thing in common - Me! That's not to say that it's been my fault, but the book enables you to look at those relationships, understand them, and utilize that knowledge to make the next one that much better.
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38 of 47 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Intense, Thorough review of Why you Act the way you do, January 29, 1998
By A Customer
This review is from: Keeping the Love You Find: A Personal Guide (Paperback)
I first read "Getting the Love You Want" during a relationship that ultimately failed, but was so impressed by Dr. Hendricks that I decided to read his book for singles, "Keeping the Love You Find." This book will help you discover some uncomfortable, yet accurate, information about yourself and how it effects your relationship choices. I wish I'd read it three years earlier!
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24 of 29 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Disagree with "Useful Guide With a Couple of Worrying Asp..., August 21, 2001
By A Customer
Verified Purchase(What's this?)
This review is from: Keeping the Love You Find: A Personal Guide (Paperback)
I do not agree with the previous review which states that Hendrix supports the idea that the woman is responsible for the violence that is rained down upon her, or that a woman should remain in a violent relationship no matter the consequences. As a survivor of domestic violence myself, I am extremely sensitive to this issue. Hendrix handles this very complex subject with incredible poise and balance. No, he does not blame the victim. However, he does look at the dynamics of the relationship and how that may have contributed to an atmosphere of violence. He does not say you should be staying in a relationship that will do you harm. He says that you entered into that relationship in order to meet certain needs. The violence meets those needs in an unhealthy way. Discovering the underlying need and it's genesis can help you to meet the need in healthy, non-destructive ways, so that your next relationship is fulfilling, violence free, and lifelong.
Please read this book, especially if your previous relationships have been hurtful. It was very helpful in pointing me in a direction that is healthy and self-loving.
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21 of 25 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars GREAT - DID I SAY GREAT - I MEAN REALLY GREAT, July 29, 2002
This review is from: Keeping the Love You Find: A Personal Guide (Paperback)
This timeless text will change your life if you're open to what it's saying to you. Many people shy away when a psychologist points to your childhood to answer questions about your problems today. But if you look past your own prejudice for a second Harville has some things that just might answer the question of why we pick who we pick and what is the real answer for making it work (a relationship that is). It starts with you. The common thread in all of your failed relationships is you. Take that as a first step and run with it. This book will open your eyes and if you can get your partner to read it to then you both will REALLY have a head start on making your love one that can last.
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68 of 87 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Buy this book but avoid the Imago workshops, December 17, 2003
By A Customer
This review is from: Keeping the Love You Find: A Personal Guide (Paperback)
The imago exercises in this book are good and have helped my wife and I with communication skills. The Imago bandwagon started by this author does have some loose wheels however that couples need to be aware of. Most of the Imago books put in a plug for the traveling Imago workshops. My wife and I recently attended one workshop run by the Imago therapist Rick Brown. Unfortunately, all the references provide for us prior to the workshop turned out to be fellow Imago therapists with an interest in our money. The majority of the actual PRACTICE consisted of listening to the workshop director's own boring life stories and watching some randomly selected nervous couple stumble through the same execise over and over. Although we made our dissatisfaction clearly known, our concerns were dismissed outright (although our money was kept). Harville Hendrix may have started Imago out as a good THEORY but the PRACTICE of some Imago therapists has lowered the bar significantly. Unfortunately, there is no grievance process for customers of Imago products and even discussing problems with the Dean of the Faculty at the Imago International Institute is a complete waste of time. So BE CAREFUL what you pay for and whether the reviews of Imago workshops that you read are those of customers or Imago therapists!
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Keeping the Love You Find: A Personal Guide
Keeping the Love You Find: A Personal Guide by Harville Hendrix (Paperback - February 1, 1993)
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