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The Kind of Friends We Used to Be

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Small deviants aside, little kids are friendly folk. Catch `em young enough and you can turn them into friends if they both like making chocolate chip cookies and having sleepovers. They are discerning, but friendship often trumps their differences . . . for a time. Then puberty appears on the horizon and all bets are off. Suddenly kids have to form strategic alliances with their peers. And that friend you made in the second grade? Suddenly you're beginning to realize that you two have very little in common aside from some common history. A fair amount of middle grade fiction gets devoted to this subject every year. Boys and girls go through it, often with a whole messload of hurt feelings along the way. But though it's a sequel to "The Secret Language of Girls", Frances O'Roark Dowell's "The Kind of Friends We Used to Be" stands on its own as an original understanding of what it means for a gal to navigate puberty without losing herself in the process. Startlingly fresh.

This time it began with shoes. Kate's shoes. Kate recently decided that she wants to become a girl guitar player who can wear really awesome shoes that say, "Don't mess with me". In the meantime her former best friend Marylin is trying to get in good with the cheerleader community of their school. Marylin and Kate used to be best friends, but after a nasty incident that happened to Kate the year before they've drifted apart. Now the two want to make up and be best buddies again, but it doesn't always work out that way. Kate's finding interests in some things, Marylin's finding interests in others, and ultimately the question is going to come down to whether or not they want to be themselves or the kinds of people other folks want them to be.

Okay. So in the first paragraph I said that this book stands on its own. And it does, insofar as the author catches you up on some of the details. There was one moment, however, where my confusion could probably be directly attributed to not having read the previous novel. Chapter Two begins (called here "the stars fall over") and I'm merrily reading to myself. I read and read and read, and it occurs to me that the book has taken an odd turn. Why does our main character Kate suddenly care what the cheerleaders think? Have I gotten confused about her personality? I flip back, reread, and veeeery slowly I come to the realization that the point of view has switched. This isn't a book that comes entirely from Kate's perspective. Suddenly at the start of the second chapter we're in Marylin's head. That took some adjusting. As a new reader I'm not going to instantly remember any character's name for at least a chapter or two. Felt like I needed a warning sign or something. A kid in a similar position would probably do what I did too.

Not that the dual p.o.v. isn't a big charm in this book. Often we'll read a losing-your-friend narrative and it comes entirely from the point of view of the loser, rather than the lose-ee. By switching between the two girls you get a more complex understanding of the situation. Plus I love the lack of a whine factor in this book. There is very little whining. Kate is losing Marylin as a friend and that hurts, but she doesn't spend this whole novel bending over backwards trying desperately to do whatever she can to win her friend back. It's funny but neither girl really wants to give up their friendship. But they're like an old married couple that's grown apart, had a big split, and want to find a way to make the relationship work again. Only they haven't a clue how. Where's the Emily Post book on making your old best friend your new best friend again? These gals would need it.

I don't want to call them one-liners, but Dowell also has a way of writing a sentence that punches you in the gut with the familiarity of a given situation. For example, there's the moment when Kate's at Marylin's sleepover, but she's not blending in with the other girls. "She was feeling left out by people she didn't even like. It was insulting." Been there. Had that experience. I bet a lot of other girls have too. I love the moment when Kate inwardly approves of Marylin not saying a word about her clunky boots. "In sixth grade she would have told Kate straight out how horrible she thought her boots were. Now she was trying to manipulate her. It was a big improvement, in Kate's opinion." Dowell loves a good descriptive sentence too. "She was skinny and pale, with the kind of milky white skin you could see the veins underneath, like the little blue highway lines on a map." Heck, Dowell's even good at identifying school types that all of us know/knew. Like the soccer player "with one of those outgoing personalities that made it impossible to know if she liked you or not, because she acted like everyone in the world was her best friend, and how could that be?"

There's a moment when Marylin realizes that she doesn't know where she fits anymore. The cheerleaders aren't quite right. "She wished she could fit in with Kate, and sometimes she still did, but Kate was changing shape, it seemed to Marylin, and it was hard to know exactly how to fit in with her anymore." And that, in a nutshell, is the fate of many a childhood friendship that has hit the tween and teen years. There aren't good guys or bad guys in these situations. Just kids who are growing up and figuring out that their personalities and interests are diverging. Nobody has quite tapped into that reality as well as Frances O'Roark Dowell either. This book looks like every other fluffy tween girly friendship book out there, but inside kids will find a thoughtful, reflective, and ultimately mature (not to mention funny) take on a difficult time. Looks like fluff. Has a brain.

We met Kate and Marylin in the previous (excellent) THE SECRET LANGUAGE OF GIRLS. As their story, told in first-person alternating chapters, resumes, they are preparing to enter seventh grade. The girls were once best friends. But now their lives run on parallel tracks, propelled by totally different interests, although they intersect on occasion.

Kate has decided she is destined to become a guitar player, which means she definitely needs new shoes. She has seen female guitar players on TV, and they sure aren't shod in gym shoes, high-tops and the other kinds of footwear Kate has always worn. She needs shoes that send a message, such as the heavy black lace-up boots she finally persuades her mother to buy her.

Kate also finds herself leaving Marylin's cheerleader-heavy sleepover party (which she did not enjoy) early one morning, only to be invited by her ex-enemy Flannery to breakfast. One thing leads to another, and Flannery lends Kate her electric guitar, along with a book on how to play it.

Marylin thinks the whole guitar idea is pretty ridiculous. She's more interested in telling Kate how she and her fellow cheerleaders have decided to wear identical outfits to the first day of school. Marylin wants to give Kate advice so Kate will become what Marylin considers to be a successful, popular seventh grader. Meanwhile, Kate is secretly pleased that Marylin doesn't like her guitar-playing ways. And Kate wants to give Marylin advice:

"Drop cheerleading. Make friends with people who have good values. Ignore fashion. Play guitar."

On the first day of school, Kate and Marylin give a nod to tradition by riding the school bus together. They are tentatively trying out their friendship again after a rough period last year in which Flannery persuaded Marylin to shun Kate. On this day, Marylin is stunned at the sight of Kate's boots. She is appalled, knowing that no one else in seventh grade would wear such a thing.

At school, the girls separate. Marylin joins her fellow cheerleaders, including the leader of the group, a mean-spirited girl named Mazie, where she is tried --- and fails --- in the social mores of the cheerleader group, but not for the last time. There are opportunities to be close to some of the nice girls on the cheerleading team, like Rubie, but Mazie is a major stumbling block.

It's the very start of another step along the journey for both Marylin and Kate as they seek to define their friendship, discovering more about the person each girl truly is becoming. Marylin's first day of school will not be remarked upon by both parents at the dinner table. Since they split up, she will call her dad, who is a great communicator face to face. But when Marylin talks to him on the phone, he seems distracted and she can hear telltale computer sounds as if he's reading email while speaking with her.

As the year continues, Marylin works hard not to be friends with the really strange Rhetta Mayes, who draws fabulous fairies in her notebook but dresses in a big black blouse that looks like a garbage bag and has chalk-white skin and black-eyeliner-circled eyes. Meanwhile, Kate is writing songs and unwittingly discovering a faint glimmering of romance (it is refreshingly realistic to find that the boy in question has layers --- and not all of them are completely appealing).

This is another wonderfully engaging tale of the pleasures and pains of tween friendships from Frances O'Roark Dowell, who never missteps relating Kate and Marylin's points of view. The story strikes so close to home, and is so poignant, that readers may find themselves gulping down a sob or two, even while smiling with pleasure --- and in recognition.

--- Reviewed by Terry Miller Shannon

The friendship adventures of Kate and Marylin continue in THE KIND OF FRIENDS WE USED TO BE. The girls were in sixth grade in THE SECRET LANGUAGE OF GIRLS, and now they are in seventh.

Marylin continues to hang out with the cheerleaders, although she is gradually beginning to realize that the controlling Mazie does not always have her best interests in mind. When Marylin meets Rhetta, the new girl, she never dreams that they could have so much in common. Rhetta's gorgeous anime drawings of fairies remind Marylin of the stories she constantly imagines but never has the courage to put down on paper. Their unlikely friendship gives Marylin the inspiration to stay a cheerleader but not follow the crowd just for the sake of following.

Kate also makes some new and different friendship connections. Who would have guessed that Flannery, who just a year ago had made Kate feel so awful, could possibly become someone with whom she can share some of her most personal thoughts with? When Kate decides to move from an interest in basketball to taking up the guitar, Flannery provides the support and encouragement Kate needs. Kate also finds another musical kindred spirit when she meets Matthew Holler. He is not like the other boys. He recognizes her need to be something other than a girly-girl, and he really listens and cares about the song lyrics she feels driven to create.

Both Kate and Marylin realize their friendship will survive the test of time, but they also realize that they will both need other friends to support them as their interests and needs change.

Once again, Frances O'Roark Dowell tells a story that will connect with middle grade readers. She covers the topics of struggling friendships, divorcing parents, and the need to be an individual - all subjects that complicate the growing up process.

Both THE KIND OF FRIENDS WE USED TO BE and THE SECRET LANGUAGE OF GIRLS would be excellent additions to any middle grade classroom or library.

Reviewed by: Sally Kruger, aka "Readingjunky"

Kate decides she wants to play guitar, and finds that she will need big black combat boots like the ones gutair players where. Her mom buys her those boots but won't buy her a pair of sneakers for school because the boots were enough. Kate wear's those boots to school and gets left out because people think she's CrAzY wearing those big boots.

Marilyn, Kate's closest friend is a cheerleader, she's more the girly type, so she is all about the fashion, makeup, and hair. She tells Kate, "when can you boost your style", and "put on a skirt and flats for once" but Kate won't budge.

I am 9 years old, you might think this book is a little to long for a nine year old but I'm an advanced reader. (6th grade books when I'm in 4th) This is a great book for girls and is really fun. You will never want to close the book it's so good! Hope you enjoy it.

Comment down below and tell me how many stars you rate this book (1-10) and how you liked it. Keep reading!

love this book !!!! heres my description :

Kate decides to play guitar and get new shoes (big black combat boots like i would wearand i play guitar).she gets invited to marylins party with soccer players and chearleaders (mostly idiot jocks and vain bottle blonds)who ignore her . while kate thinks people should be judged by there character while marylin thinks people should be judged by there looks (very common).marylin thinks that saying being good the way you are is crazy talk (talk about vain.not dissing her though,she has good aura)speaking of aura , marylin meets a girl,rhetta mayes who apparently can see auras is sorta goth and is a good artist(im a good artist too)and thinks that she can't help the girl write in the graphic novel(i love graphic novels, i would totally be friends with rhetta.)cause she looks weird and would rather have a good rep as a no different ,non vain friends cheerleader than a new friend (who are we to judge peoples looks?)while kate joins the creative writing club and makes two new friends:Lorna and Mathew(a boy who sounds cute and acts like a silent bad boy.)while marylin goes up in popularity (like she really needs more??)for being on student goverment .

well im stopping there . to find out what happens next buy the book. its really good.

The Kind of Friends We Used to Be.

By: Frances O'Roark Dowell

Kate and Marilyn try to work their friendship back together. Kate loves to play guitar! I love this book so much because its about bff's and so much more.You should this read book because I love it and I'm pretty sure you will to!

I am a fifth grader and have recently read this book. It bored me from the start. So I stopped. But then about an hour later, I felt I had to find out what happened. I started to read more. But again I was bored and stopped. This pattern conntinued for a while untill the book was completely read. I had wanted to find out what happened, but did NOT enjoy it. It just went on and on forever! WARNING DO NOT BUY IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!