Customer Reviews

I Kissed Dating Goodbye

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I've never reviewed anything on Amazon.com before. But after reading this book and reviewing some of the comments, I had to say something.

First on the book... I think it is an amazing insight into dating in our culture. The book isn't as much about not dating as it is about realizing the opportunity you have as a single person to work for God. He's basically arguing that for the amount of time and energy we put into worrying about the person we just met at the bar last night, we have an even better opportunity to use that energy work for and bless God.

He's not saying anyone can't date. Rather, he's questioning the motivations we have behind dating and asking people to really be honest with themselves. One of the reviews posted here on Amazon said something to the effect that "Harris is wrong, I need to date to learn more about relationships and the opposite sex." Got news for you, this is the exact reason Harris says you shouldn't be dating. If you view dating in and of itself as a reason to improve your own "dating skills", you're using the other person in the relationship. In some of the reviews people are basically saying, "Hey, I need to date that way when I meet the right person I'll be ready!" Again, this is selfish and speaks to many of Harris's points about how we use people to refine our opinions of the opposite sex. It's as if we can take a peice of each person we've dated in the past and we'll combine them into the perfect spouse!

I think the reason this book sparks so much debate is because it really calls some people out in terms of their own dating lives. Harris basically says, "If you've been with someone for so long and haven't figured out if you're going to marry them, it's time to move on because all you're doing is using the other person." Oooh boy - I can see some people not liking this. But it's so true!!! He's saying, "Sex should be saved for marriage." Again, I'm sure someone will argue, "but I love the person!" - but if you really love the person, you'll wait.

I guess what's crazy, especially after reading some of the reviews, is that people believe Harris says we just shouldn't date at all. Again, please actually read the book. Harris is really saying that we need to reexamine our reasons for dating in the first place and to enter into our relationships with the opposite sex with God's intentions in mind (selfless love and friendship). He argues we rush into dating to fulfill our romantic needs (needs that only fulfill our selfish emotions and lust), instead of seeing the other person as a friend in Christ.

I would whole heartedly recommend this book to anyone who is single and struggling with their dating life.

I've read the book at least three times. I developed a Sunday School based on it and taught it to a group of about 20 young adults. Some found it very good and some found it to be impractical. One thing it did do was create a lot of thought about where dating fits in the life of a believer. I've read a number of the negative reviews in this section and found that many obviously didn't understand the book (or probably didn't even read it). While the Harris book can be applied in a legalistic manner, I don't think that was Harris' intention. I used the book to talk about having a Christ-focused life. In this context, the single person has to ask, what role does dating play in my life? I think Harris brings out some very good principles about intimacy (not just sexual) and other elements of the consequences of dating. Who we are at the core (foundational to true intimacy) is truly reserved for God, and then for our future spouse. We should be stewards of this. It shouldn't just be given to anybody recklessly. Many of us spend our intimacy foolishly and then in marriage have little to give that is unique and special and that hasn't become common given to a number of people through a number of relationships.

The book is a good starting point for a single believer as long as it is kept in the context of developing a Christ-focused life. It is weak in its lack of depth and stark black and white assertions. I imagine that as he gets older and grows in wisdom, Harris will be able to fine tune his thesis and present an argument that has greater weight. I applaud him for his insight and his contribution to the lives of many who want to have a Christ-focused life. To those who don't agree with the book...so what. Do as you wish, see where it takes you, and if you gain any insight and grow in Christ, write your own book. I am amazed at the many who critisize the book as if Harris crashed into their homes and forced them to change their lives at gun point.

I am 25 years old, and I have dated since I was 16, moving from boyfriend to boyfriend as soon as possible. I always felt lonely if I didn't have someone to hold hands with, kiss, snuggle with, etc. But every one of my nine relationships ended in someone getting hurt because one of us was not ready to make the big commitment. I also ended up having intimate relations, as it is very difficult to say no when you are in a relationship for a long time. (I know of only a handful of 20+ people who have accomplished this.) After ending my most recent relationship, this book looked very appealling. I read it and I was all set to give up dating. Now that my hurt and anger have diminished, the books advice gets hard to follow, especially being the holidays...however...

I have never been so happy with the direction my life is taking, and it's getting easier every day. For anyone reading this review, please take heart and give this way of living a chance. The bad reviews sound like they are coming from people who do not have the conviction or will power to give up intimacy. You will meet many, many men/women like this, and they make it very hard to stick to your guns. And others make it sound like living like this makes it impossible to meet people - not true! You meet people of the same sex and become freinds, don't you? Just treat the opposite sex the same way while you are getting to know them! (Very hard, but not impossible!) And just let me say - for those who think that Joshua Harris did not have enough experience or was old enough to know what he was talking about, I believe it is God's message, through Josh, we are hearing when we read I Kissed Dating Goodbye. Please give it a chance - you will not regret it! I've gotten so many rewards already.

I first read this book over Christmas vacation. My brother had gotten it for Christmas and I ended up reading it before he did. I couldn't put it down. This book explains what I've been trying to tell people when they find out I don't date. A lot of people think it's weird, but they can think what they want.

This book is written so that you can absorb the information printed and then apply what you feel God is calling you to. No, you probably will not agree with everything he has to say. I didn't agree with everything he had to say, but I agreed with most of it. It all comes down to the convictions of your own heart.

I was really saddened by reading some of the other reviews. Mr. Harris did not say that dating was a sin. He explicitly said he did not believe that in the book. So many of my friends feel like they always need to have a boyfriend or girlfriend. The problem is, they always believe they hav found the one they are going to marry, then a couple of months later, they break up. I think that you have to be right with God, know who you are, and know where God wants you to be before you can add another person into your life. Then God will send the person for you into your life.

To the man who said premarital sex was alright, I don't agree with you. What happens if you don't end up marrying that person? So many people get engaged and never get married. I believe that if you are truly in God's will and are marrying the one he has chosen for you, then knowing if you are sexually compatible before marriage does not matter.

Wow! Wow! Do not hesitate in getting this book. I'm going to read it a 2nd time. Good thing I had a couple red pens because the first one went dry due to the need to underline so many wonderful, Godly points. Joshua Harris is remarkably mature and insightful for his age (early 20s).

I'm 26 and now "I've kissed dating goodbye," too. Having been incredibly hurt (and also causing an incredible amount of hurting) in my last supposedly-Christian relationship, the new, God-centered approach he outlines seems like exactly what God would have me do. I've learned to be content in this "season of singleness" and to seek to serve God and prepare for the future He has for me.

Harris' prayer for us is God's prayer (Phillipians 1:9-11, "That your love my abound more and more in knowledge and insight so that you may be able to discern what is best and be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruits of righteousness...") This is just one of literally tens of Biblical references that guides Harris every step of the way.

If I could have one wish, it was that I would have read this book in 11th grade, before I started dating. It would have saved me (and my ex-girlfriends) a lot of hurt. Thankfully, all things are made new in Christ, and it's never to late to be made new!

This book would also be great for married people! In fact, I gave a copy to my mom, both so that she can better understand her children, and also so that she can read about Harris' insights into God-centered relationships.

Harris challenges us to serve our brothers and sisters in Christ by protecting both our and their purity, and by not pursuing romantic relationships, contact or activities until God has prepared us and has given us the person He would have us be with. No, he doesn't advocate becoming a hermit. On the contrary, his approach teaches us to cultivate deeper (100% Godly) relationships with members of the opposite sex, carried out only in group settings, so "that nothing need be hidden." I've now got a "passion for purity" in relationships and life in general! While we can never completely eliminate sin, we are either progressing toward or away from purity. Previously, I had been stepping away too often.

It also lays out a Godly path for dealing with tough situations in relationships. And it concludes with a helpful section on how to move toward marriage with a potential spouse in a Godly-fashion when God has ordained the "when" and the "who"! Rather than being an "obligation" to wait to date, Harris presents it in a way that makes me feel priveleged to serve God (and myself and His Children) in this way.

Harris also includes many good references for further reading. I'm reading one of those books now, called "The Rich Single Life" by C.J. Mahaney. It's also outstanding.

I guarantee you've never read a book on relationships like this. As Harris says, "this is not a "how to date" book but a "how to break up with dating book!"" It's impossible to say too many good things about this book.

I've learned the importance of preparation, service, humility, contentedness, prayer, purity, love, gentleness, self-control, patience, knowledge, tenderness, compassion, vision, listening, and so much else.

I'm literally on-line right now buying a case of this book to give away to friends & family. I've already given away 3 copies. In the inscription on my brother's (age 16) copy, I wrote "This may be the most important gift I've ever given you."

I would strongly encourage anyone, whether in a relationship or not, Christian or not, to get this book and STUDY it immediately. It will change your life, too!

IKDG is a wonderful book, but I understand completely how it can be viewed as frustrating, full of nonsense, and irrelevant. Of course it is! Harris talks about dating, a very grey area, whether discussed in youth groups, bars, or around dining room tables.

When I first read the book, I struggled with some of his philosophies. My friends and I would debate the possiblity of two friends moving from group friendships to a marriage-focused "courtship." In today's world it just didn't seem realistic, and many readers would agree. Yet, finally, I got it. Joshua Harris wrote the book for people who truly wanted a strong relationship with God, THE lover of our souls. The people who agree with this book have realized that a relationship with Him is the only way anything romantic would ever seem fulfilling. I know, that sounds like everyone who doesn't like Harris' message isn't a strong Christian. I don't mean it that way, but if you realize just how much God loves you, if you go beyond trite Sunday School statements and the tune to "Jesus Loves Me" that drifts in and out of your head with time, Harris's message makes so much sense. There are moments when it doesn't seem practical, but if you truly realize that God is in control, that He sees the desires of your heart, waiting is not an issue. I didn't realize that when I first read IKDG, but now I do. Even if I'm 65 when I first walk down the altar, if I can wake up each morning between now and then and say "Lord, I love you. Remind me that You have a plan and a future for me," then yes, I can and will wait.

"Single Gal" in Boston wrote that IKDG doesn't really apply to 30-somethings. Doesn't it? Certainly circumstances will be different--they will be in high school, college, or in the 9-5 life. But at every stage of life God is there! It seems as though the people who dislike IKDG can't give up dating. I thought I couldn't. But if our Lover looks us in the eye and says, "I love you, I want you, come to ME," can we ignore Him for the sake of a dating relationship?

Ah, well, these are my thoughts. I recommend that anyone, before reading I Kissed Dating Goodbye, pick up a Bible first and read Song of Solomen as a love letter from God to His Bride. Then go through Joshua Harris' book with an open mind, but more importantly, an open heart.

"I kissed Dating Goodbye". The title alone is enough to scare anyone who is interested in the opposite sex out of reading the book, but once you open the cover and begin to read through the book, you soon realise that this book is *not* about "kissing dating goodbye", but about approaching relationships with the opposite sex with a Godly attitude.

This book is excellent. It's full of practical, Biblical advice on how to balance emotion with commitment, romance with wisdom, feelings with truth.

I would also HIGHLY reccommend the follow-on book "Boy meets Girl". Boy meets girl was even more helpful for me and provided more insight from Harris who met and married his wife before writing the second book.

I challenge you to read beyond the cover, and look beyond the words "I kissed dating goodbye". You may find this book challenging, but I can guarentee you - if you read this book with an open mind, you will be changed into the person God wants you to be. You will treat members of the opposite sex with the respect and honour that God wants, and you will approach the subject of Dating or Courtship with a level of Godly maturity.

The message in this book is timeless. The author, Joshua Harris, uses very real, down-to-earth examples to illustrate his points. He examines WHY he believes casual dating as we know it (especially the 'going out' among junior and senior high schoolers) is pointless and headed for disaster. This book hits the nail on the head. It points youth, adults, singles, marrieds, EVERYONE towards the ultimate goal of following God. I have thought that "not dating" was just a weird thing my parents made me do, but I read this book and it all clicked. This book has a much-needed message for everyone. I think if people my age (youth) would take this message to heart, the teenage pregnancies, the teenage marriages, STD's, abortions, and broken hearts could be avoided. I love that this book is geared at teenagers. Most books on courtship are aimed at parents and are legalistic. Harris specifically says "I do not think dating is a sin. It's just second-best." This is more a book about following God's Will for relationships than a set of rules. I highly recommend this for everyone!

This book has perhaps caused more misinformation and confusion (particularly among young women) in the Christian world than any other in recent years. I personally believe the philosophy preached by Mr. Harris to be completely unworkable, not based in Scripture, and frankly, just plain wrong.

Mr. Harris seems to believe that romance and infatuation with a person of the opposite sex is an illegitimate emotion. While I agree with him that, like all emotions, they must be kept in check, it is, frankly, ridiculous, to say that it is "God's will" for a Christian single to be absolutely devoid of such emotions and not allow himself or herself to be influenced by them. These emotions were created by God Himself as a means to draw a man and a woman together! Mr. Harris would reduce the decision to marry a person to something akin to a business decision, not unlike buying a new house or car. While I agree with him that yes, the intellect should trump the romantic emotions if the intellect tells you that being with a certain person is not good, those emotions are not illegitimate! While those emotions should not be allowed to express themselves in the form of extra-marital sex, I don't see how I could ever marry someone if these feelings were absent!

Mr. Harris'warped view of the legitimacy of love and romance fuels a gross misunderstanding of God's will regarding singleness and transition into marriage. I believe that his philosophy of dating and marriage could be summarized as follows: (1)Don't date until you're "ready for marriage." (2) Only date someone whom you know is a potential marriage partner. (3) Even when you date them, your dates should be group-oriented, keeping one-on-one time to a minimum.
As to Proposition (1) above, I have no problem with that. I agree with Mr. Harris that the primary purpose of dating is to find your marriage partner. And, clearly many young people in today's society are simply not at the proper maturity level to get married yet.
But, my agreement ends after Proposition (1). Proposition (2), that you should only date someone whom you know is a potential marraige partner, begs the question, "How do you know someone is a potential marriage partner?" The answer is, "You date them!" You spend time with them! Mr. Harris would answer, "God will show you." However, that answer displays an immature faith. What would we think of the student who prays that God will help him on the test by supernaturally filling his mind with the answers to the test questions while he's taking the test? I assert that Mr. Harris' logic is parallel to this example. He seems to believe that God will supernaturally reveal His specific plan for your life without your having to seek out any of that knowledge yourself.
Proposition (3) is also fallacious. Mr. Harris asserts that time spent alone with a person is dangerous, because it opens the door for sexual promiscuity, and can also fan the flames of infatuation with the person. Mr. Harris, it is impossible to get to know someone at a level intimate enough to know that you want to marry them without spending significant time alone with that person. You will not get to know anyone in a group setting at such a deep level. I agree with you that one-on-one time is dangerous, but it's no solution to sexual temptation to allow the temptation to keep you from dating. You must learn to exercise self-control when dating. As I believe I have demonstrated, dating a person and spending significant one-on-one time with them is the only way to get to know the person at such a level as to know that you are soulmates.
In summary, Mr. Harris' dating philosophy is somewhat like the farmer who prayed, "Lord, I am praying for an abundant harvest this year come harvest time, but one thing, Lord, I'm not going to plant a crop this year. Planting a crop would be displaying a lack of faith in You and Your ability to provide me with a harvest." Dating is the planting activity that should take place in a single's life, and it is unlikely that an abundant "harvest" of marriage will take place unless it is done. Furthermore, it must be done the right way, not the way that Mr. Harris preaches.

I don't usually review books but I thought I would review this one. You may not agree with me but please know that I write from the heart.

I first read this book about 6 years ago and really embraced the message. As I have gotten older however I realized that there were a few problems with this idea.

First, this approach is effective if you are still in college or a recent graduate, in an environment where there are alot of singles around you. In an environment where young singles hang out in groups, this idea makes sense. But as you get older, people don't do this. You must continue to go to God in prayer of course but you have to make an actual effort to meet other single people as you hit 30 and beyond.

I suggest Henry Cloud's "How to get a date worth keeping" for the people over 25. He suggests that you try to interact with as many people of the opposite sex as possible, with the help of a group of Christians who can help you avoid pitfals along the way. This approach helps you learn about the opposite sex but mostly learn about yourself and the issues you may bring to relationships.

Which leads me to the second reason - I believe that there are many single Christians over 30 in part because they are not comfortable interacting with the opposite sex in a romantic relationship or have personal issues that keep them from getting to that stage in the first place. Cloud's book will help to deal with those issues. It is written by a Christian who is a trained psychologist and he is one of the authors of the very popular "Boundaries" series. "I kissed dating goodbye" is written by a Christian who based the book on his own dating experience when he was very young.

I found that his book only encouraged me to hide from the opposite sex and as I got older, the suggestions became unfeasable. I encourage you to check out Cloud's approach instead.