The Kobold Wizard's Dildo of Enlightenment +2 (an adventure for 3-6 players, levels 2-5) [Paperback]

Carlton Mellick III (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: June 11, 2010

ARE YOU READY TO PLAY SOME DUNGEONS AND FUCKING DRAGONS?

The Kobold Wizard's Dildo of Enlightenment +2 is an absurd comedy about a group of adventurers (elf, halfling, bard, dwarf, assassin, thief) going through an existential crisis after having discovered that they are really just pre-rolled characters living inside of a classic AD&D role playing game. While exploring the ruins of Tardis Keep, these 6 characters must deal with their inept Dungeon Master's retarded imagination and resist their horny teenaged players' commands to have sex with everything in sight.

Featuring: punk rock elf chicks, death metal orcs, porn-addicted beholders, a goblin/halfling love affair, a gnoll orgy, and a magical dildo that holds the secrets of the universe.

Editorial Reviews

From the Inside Flap

Praise for Carlton Mellick III

"Carlton Mellick III has the craziest book titles... and the kinkiest fans!"
- CHRISTOPHER MOORE

"If you like satires which are highly imaginative, subversive, gory, funny as hell and completely surreal CM3 may be your literary messiah."
- RICARDO GONZALEZ DEL VALLE

"Mellick is smarter than the dumbness he tries to coat his writing in; you feel like you're reading a comic or watching MTV - but underneath there is something deeper and smarter than the cartoonish presentation before your eyes."
- EUCHIRD

"Easily the craziest, weirdest, strangest, funniest, most obscene writer in America."
- GOTHIC MAGAZINE

"Carlton Mellick III is one of bizarro fiction's most talented practitioners, a virtuoso of the surreal, science fictional tale."
- CORY DOCTOROW, author of Little Brother

From the Back Cover

If anyone out there is reading this, I need your help. I am trapped within a really terrible Dungeons and Dragons campaign and I can't find my way out. My player is a horny 14 year old loser who won't stop forcing me to have sex with slutty elf chicks instead of going on quests. The dungeon master has severe attention deficit disorder and skips large sections of description when it comes to the world I live within. Please find my character sheet and bring it to a better dungeon master, preferably a benevolent one with a vivid imagination who actually knows what he's doing. Please, I beg of you to deliver me from this nightmare, before all of my hit points run out . . . --Polo Pipefingers, level 3 Halfling Fighter

Product Details

• Paperback: 232 pages
• Publisher: Eraserhead Press (June 11, 2010)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1936383055
• ISBN-13: 978-1936383054
• Product Dimensions: 8.5 x 0.5 x 5.5 inches
• Shipping Weight: 11.2 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 3.9 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (24 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #527,239 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Like a real world Kilgore Trout, cult author CARLTON MELLICK III has been pumping out some of the weirdest, trashiest, most imaginative books that you'll never want to admit you secretly love.

His books are released on a quarterly basis (every January, April, July, and October).

Best known as one of the leading authors of the bizarro fiction movement in literature, he is also one of the most prolific authors of his generation with over 40 books in print since 2001. He won the Wonderland Book Award for his novel "Warrior Wolf Women of the Wasteland" and has had short stories make it into The Year's Best Fantasy and Horror and The Best Bizarro Fiction of the Decade.

Although many of his earliest works are on the surreal and experimental side, his current style is to take the most ridiculous concepts imaginable and approach them with complete sincerity, as if they are not intended to be ridiculous at all. Always full of tongue-in-cheek humor, social satire, and told in a simplistic straightforward prose style similar to that of children's literature or early pulp fiction, Carlton Mellick III's work is one of a kind, to say the least.

He lives in Portland, OR, the bizarro mecca.

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

9 of 10 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Was skeptical, but it was worth it! January 1, 2011

By A.O. Dali

Format:Paperback|Amazon Verified Purchase

I bought this book because I thought the title was pretty interesting, and I wanted a joke book to keep around and laugh at with my friends. I started reading this book because I thought the cut-out character sheets of all the major characters was a pretty interesting idea, and a different way of reading that I was intrigued by.

I kept reading because, once you get into it, The Kobold Wizard's D---o of Enlightenment +2 is deep. After about a hundred and fifty pages of boners, CM3 drops some really heavy stuff on the reader. Through the endless sex and gore, ( and it is pretty endless, coming from someone's who's unfamiliar with CM3's work or the bizarro genre in general ) there really is a message to be told in this book, and when I finished it, I really began thinking about what Mellick had just laid out. Not only was his world engaging, zany, and surreal, it was also, in some odd way, really applicable to the real world, and to life in general. If you take TKWDOE+2 seriously, it really has some philosophy to it there at the end. You just have to wade through a see of elf-breasts, perverted sex, and boners to get to it. But, as I found out, it was completely worth it and was an altogether extremely satisfying read.

And to all those people complaining that 'it's not representative of DND', of course it's not, you silly, uptight square. It's not supposed to be DND. It's supposed to be a horny thirteen year old's interpretation of what DND is supposed to be. And as a former horny thirteen year old DND player, I have to say that some of me and my friends roleplaying sessions did play out in a similar fashion as this book. I remember rolling saving throws against cheap hookers to see if I caught an STD when I had sex with them.... Albeit, some of the scenes in the book are more graphic than my memories, but in all honesty, the kids in the story are a lot sadder than me and my friends were. The people who make this claim either started playing DND way too late to understand where the author is coming from, or they had the ironclad logical willpower of Buzz Jensen during all their younger sessions.

All in all, I highly recommend this book to anyone who wants a laugh, and something to think about. I know I spat out the hot tea I was drinking as I read this story more than once in hilarity. And some of the parts near the end were sad, too. And enthralling. I will definitely be buying more of Carlton Mellick III's books in the near future, and am looking forward to a very healthy, consensual relationship with the bizarro genre. Read more ›

8 of 9 people found the following review helpful

4.0 out of 5 stars Yes, This IS a Book About Role-Play Characters Having An Existential Crisis December 4, 2010

By Pterodactyl Samurai

Format:Paperback

I've never played D&D. I actually had no idea what either D stood for until about a year ago. So I'm sure some of the parody was lost on me. But I'm a huge fan of Carlton Mellick III's other work so I knew I had to check this one out. One of the great things about Mellick's writing is that it sucks you in immediately and doesn't let go until it's over. The same was true of Kobold Wizard. As absurd and raunchy as the title and cover indicate, the story was also funny and engaging, and the adventure so archetypal that I wasn't lost, even amidst all of the elf-sex and Halfling violation. This is not my favorite book by Carlton Mellick but it certainly delivered on its promises and I'm glad I read it.

9 of 11 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars An homage to an adolescence wasted rolling dice in basements August 22, 2010

By TheManFromSaturn

Format:Paperback|Amazon Verified Purchase

This book is enormously entertaining, funny, and enjoyable. It is obvious that Mellick has a genuine understanding of, and affection for role-playing games and the people who play them.

In a nutshell, the plot describes a group of fictional characters in a fantasy role-playing game who have become aware of their fictional existence, and must struggle to free themselves from the whims of their players.

The story takes place on two levels; a group of undersexed, maladjusted teen players, and the fictional characters they have invented to represent them within the game itself. This proves to be an excellent device for character development, as the fictional characters serve to illustrate the wish fulfillment fantasies as well as the insecurities of the players. There are other interesting parallels; As adolescents, the players are in many ways living lives controlled by authority figures, occupying prescribed roles just as their fictional characters are. At its best moments, the novel briefly touches on issues of free will and existentialism, albeit in a delightfully immature way.

In a further clever touch, the book comes complete with all the maps, diagrams, character sheets, and doodles in the margins you would expect to find in a role-playing game.

2 of 2 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars What if they knew? June 30, 2011

By Steven R. Shroyer

Format:Paperback|Amazon Verified Purchase

I am a fan of Mr Mellick's work since getting my paws of the Baby Jesus Butt Plug in 2010. In this inspired book he shifts gears from holy suppositories to Dungeons and Dragons a much safer topic huh....NOPE!

The story is about a group of characters who find out they are controlled by a group of horny teens who have no lives. Here is where the story gets its Charlie Kauffman esque charm. The characters decide to rebel against their masters and make them pay for their torture. In the mix is some brutal and explicit sex, blood, and gore all done to perfection by Mr Mellick.

In this book you kinda feel for the characters something rare in many genres of fiction and it is why this book is top on my list!

So get ready to play some D&D Bizarro style. Have fun!

2 of 2 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Someone please be my master.... June 18, 2011

By Buckeye Nick

Format:Paperback|Amazon Verified Purchase

This was a book that took me back to my role-playing days of Nintendo and Super Nintendo. Although this book centers on the D&D role-playing that's what it did for me since I wasn't that involved in the game but loved RPG's. Either way this book takes you back to some nostalgic role-playing goodness. This book revels in the fact that the dungeon master is a hyper horndog that tries to include sex at any and every turn in the D&D world. The book includes stats and sheets for each player and also has sketches of the dungeons and also you can keep track of each players progress and also see where their HP is at and other fun stat keeping as well. Again this book takes you back to a time of teenage awkwardness and acne. Great fun and a must read of CM3 fans and D&D fans alike!