Ladies and Gentlemen, The Bible! [Paperback]

Jonathan Goldstein (Author)

Book Description

Release date: April 7, 2009

A hilarious re-imagining of the heroes of the Old Testament for a modern world-and the neurotic, demanding reader.

In the beginning...there was humor.

Sure, it's the foundation for much of Western morality and the cornerstone of world literature. But let's face it: the Bible always needed punching up. Plus, it raised quite a few questions that a modern world refuses to ignore any longer: wouldn't it be boring to live inside a whale? How did Joseph explain Mary's pregnancy to the guys at work? Who exactly was the megalomaniacal foreman who oversaw the construction of the Tower of Babel? And honestly, what was Cain's problem?

In Ladies and Gentlemen, the Bible!, Jonathan Goldstein re-imagines and recasts the greatest heroes of the Bible with depth, wit, and snappy dialogue. This is the Bible populated by angry loners, hypochondriacs, and reluctant prophets who fear for their sanity, for readers of Sarah Vowell and the books of David Sedaris. Basically, a Bible that readers can finally, genuinely relate to.

Jonathan Goldstein's new book, I'll Seize the Day Tomorrow, will be available May 2013.
 

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Several Bible stories get a rewrite in this funny collection by This American Life contributing editor Goldstein (Lenny Bruce Is Dead). In this version, David kills Goliath not so much for his people as for laughs, and Jonah's lesser-known brother Vito fears that God's hand in Jonah's stint inside the whale has less to do with Jonah than Vito's own role in a youthful penis-touching incident. In My Troubles (A Work in Progress, by Joseph of N—), a worried father-to-be deals with the ambiguities of having one's wife knocked up by an angel. The voices of these stories sound like that of the semiobservant Jew in the book's preface, who describes one of God's failed universes as consisting of just one person—a man named Morris who sat in a room by himself, trying to decide whether to cuff his pants or let them drag. With refashioned language and reimagined motivations, Goldstein's biblical characters evoke the kind of touching truths only found at the bottom of deep barrel laughs. (Apr.)
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From Booklist

The deeply religious might be offended by This American Life contributor Goldstein’s often-raucous reimaginings of Old Testament tales. But the less devout may find themselves chuckling at the unholy hilarity of it all. Here readers find Adam and Eve talking to God after being banished from the Garden of Eden: “We get it,” they screamed. “You’ve made your point. Now let us back in already.” A misanthropic Noah hears a voice (inside his nose, no less) telling him to build an ark. An enterprising man operates a “Golden Calf” business to compete with the Almighty, marketing the bovine as a “more laid-back, cud-chewing lord.” Swarthy Samson, who’s been shacking up with foxy Philistine Delilah, threatens a mortal enemy: “I will make Jewish his penis with my teeth.” After killing Goliath, an unsatisfied David finds that all he really wants to do is to make people laugh. Even God gets a dressing-down in a brave new biblical world that’s part parable, part vaudeville: “He was . . . tough, stubborn, and prone to yelling in your face for pretty much no reason.” --Allison Block

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Product Details

• Paperback: 239 pages
• Publisher: Riverhead Trade; 1 edition (April 7, 2009)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1594483671
• ISBN-13: 978-1594483677
• Product Dimensions: 8 x 5 x 0.7 inches
• Shipping Weight: 4.8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.1 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (32 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #43,311 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Most Helpful Customer Reviews

17 of 18 people found the following review helpful

3.0 out of 5 stars Starts off strong February 7, 2010

By The Yeah

Format:Paperback|Amazon Verified Purchase

I had heard the author reading the Adam and Eve story on NPR, which I thought was wonderful. It was a whole different take on the Biblical characters, and was a fascinating (and funny) imagining of their respective characters and motives...making 3-D people out of the relatively flat and familiar Bible characters. And the first half of the book is very much like that and highly recommended (also great to read at the same time as R. Crumb's illustrated version of Genesis).

But then it runs out of steam, and gets too far away from the source material. King David is made into a sort of failed Shecky Greene wanna-be comedian, and it's more of just a superimposition of flat Jewish stereotypes onto Biblical characters. It has little flashes of brilliance, such as the following passage (thoughts of David): "Gone are the carefree days of slaying giants. As you get older you strip away the things you don't have time for, and then you are left only with things you have time for. Your life gets skinnier and skinnier until you wonder why you go on. You go on because there are things that must get done. You become no longer a person so much as a place, an unfunny place where things come to get done." Unfortunately, they're sandwiched between thick layers of schtick.

Of course, humor is in the eye and ear of the beholder. If you're a deep Catskills devotee, then you may get a lot out of the second half. In my eye, the first half is worth the price of admission.

10 of 12 people found the following review helpful

3.0 out of 5 stars Hysterically Funny Preface November 4, 2009

By E. Samuels

Format:Paperback

I had incredibly high hopes after reading this book's hysterically funny preface. Unfortunately, the rest of the book did not come close to the preface in either its wit or its descriptive power. The concept of writing the backstory for specific tales from the Bible is a great one, and some of the stories in this book do live up to the challenge and are entertaining, but many of the stories barely scratch the surface of the originals and just seem silly rather than creative. On the positive side, the preface is so funny that it makes reading the book worthwhile.

4 of 4 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Absolutely Hilarious December 4, 2012

By RachaelBooks

Format:Paperback

I loved this book. I am reading other reviews wondering what they missed, because this guy was amazing. Even when he wasn't cracking me up with his versions of Biblical tales, he was making me must at his version of elderly Adam, wondering at his spoiled grandchildren who marvel at his lack of a belly button. I want more, is my only issue. I'd love suggestions of similar books, if anyone has any. I also enjoyed Christopher Moore's "Lamb," but this book has a special place in my heart and on my bookshelf. I absolutely suggest it to anyone with a sense of humor about Christianity.