Customer Reviews

The Last Goodnights: Assisting My Parents with Their Suicides

5 star:		(16)
4 star:		(2)
3 star:		(4)
2 star:		(3)
1 star:		(1)

 

 

"The Last Goodnights" is a detailed heartfelt narrative by a loving son who clearly inherited the spirit of independence and willingness to face unpleasant reality his parents showed in their lives. He describes the cast of characters clearly: their strengths and weaknesses, their hopes and fears, their determination. The planning and secrecy caused him great emotional stress which he describes without excessive self-pity. As his mother slides slowly into senility he describes in detail the cruel and pitiless nature of her illness and makes clear the importance of timing: her need to extract from life whatever pleasure she could still find in it while evading the impending helplessness that would have made it impossible for her to escape the degrading downfall nature planned for her.
Assisted suicide is a controversial issue but the author states, "For some people, the physical pain is the worst; for others, it's the emotional pain. Who's to say which is worse, and when enough is enough? ...There's only one person who can say: the person experiencing the pain. No one else."
John West promised his mother he would write this memoir and has succeeded wonderfully in his final gesture of abiding love. Gerald A. Metz, M.D.

Astonishing! This is an important book, and also a great read! What a combination!

The author takes us right to the very heart of the issue, in a deeply personal way, and shines a bright light on a world that is usually shrouded in secrecy. But his story is not grim in any way. In fact, it's remarkably uplifting. It's moving, meaningful, funny(!), sad, scary, gripping, challenging, and inspiring all at the same time. Extraordinary!

I had planned to read it a bit at a time, given the subject matter, but I simply couldn't stop turning the pages. I'd recommend this book to everyone, except maybe the very faint-hearted. There are some intense scenes. But to me, that's part of what made the book so good! Even for people who aren't "into the issue" this is a worthwhile book because it's a fascinating story, it's very well written, and it's an amazing look into a hidden world. Just about everything you could want in a book.

Five full stars!

I'm definitely going to give this book to my friends and to all my family members, young and old. (Well, maybe not a couple of them.) It's truly a terrific read, and it's also something that can get people talking realistically about the issues. We need more kindness and dignity in this world. This book can help us get there.

As someone who works with doctors, students, and other healthcare-related individuals, I looked forward to reading this book, as the issues raised are crucially important. West does an outstanding job of contributing to current and much-needed end-of-life discourse. Just as impressive is the humanity that leaps out of every page. Here is a portrait of a family going through the most difficult of times, and Mr. West's courage, compassion, and resolve make a compelling narrative. Each character is as fully realized as in a novel, yet sadly this is not a work of fiction. Anyone concerned with end-of-life issues and choices should read this book. This is a vitally important work.

Many persons would answer "Yes" to that question. In fact, I know many who would say this is the merciful thing to do. Shift the question a little bit...what about our parents? Should they be allowed the dignity of choosing how they end their own lives? And the problem posed by the author of the book, can an adult child give comfort - even some emotional support - when a parent makes the decision to go....permanently. The book under consideration is most courageous in talking about a hard topic that most Americans don't want to hear. But all of us will die an earthly existence...and all of us have the power to make choices.

I bring this topic to the table because my parents ended their life - this way. After 60 years of a good marriage, they chose to die together - in each others arms. Like Romeo and Juliet. What might be different is they were NOT terminally ill....as that is currently understood. Mentally, they were at the top of their game. But they knew that, in time, after age 83, their physical health would decline seriously. Indeed, their health was just then in the beginning process of irreversible decline. So I will share, if you will, the last letter, the very last letter, my father wrote to all his friends, to be received just after news of his death and suicide.


"No doubt you were shocked to hear of our deaths, just now, before the year end holidays. But we could not wait any longer. despite our outward appearance of good health, both of us are facing imminent catastrophe. Now we still have the exercise of our own free will, which will be impossible once either of us were to be confined to a hospital or a place of convalescence.

Neither of us wants to face the possibility of losing one of our life's partner, lover, companion, nor the agony of hospital stays culminating in uncertainties. Neither of us wants to continue a life deprived of some, if not most of our capacities. Neither of us wants to impose any burden on our children who certainly would do their utmost to help us, in complete disregard of their own interests. Realistically, why should we abuse the services that society provides, knowing that these would only prolong the existence of shells of our real selves.

You, our good friends, know that we lived a full life, full of joys and pains like everyone's. We have tried to share our experiences with you, we have tried to help whenever we could, and mostly we have greatly enjoyed your friendship. We hope that the image that you retain in your memory will be that of ourselves as you knew us.

We feel in our heart that life is worthwhile only as long as you can give something either to your family, to your friends, and to society at large. When all you can do is to take, then there is no longer any reason to go on."

Consider this review food for thought.

Respectfully

It is an excellent read, finely detailed, and exceptionally frank. Mr West makes, thru his story, an outstanding case for the legalization of physician-assisted suicide (which we already have in Oregon and Washington, but a long way off in California). - Derek Humphry (Hemlock founder)

John West is a fine and a very brave writer: his polished writing style suggests he could well succeed in literature and give up his career as an attorney. His willingness to take on the sharing of his personal experiences with assisting in the final hours of his parents' lives demonstrates not only courage in making this public, but also offers an excellent argument for changing our laws to allow assisted deaths. The fact that West is able to take the reader through not only the decision making and the actual preparation and implementation of two deaths, but also the emotional roller coaster ride he endured in the process is what makes this book more a memoir, a novel that happens to be true, than an chest-pounding diatribe as this subject matter usually produces in the hands of other writers.

The only son of two professional, highly regarded people, John West is approached first by his father, a prominent physician from UCLA who is diagnosed with severe metastatic carcinoma and elects (after a trial of radiation and chemotherapy) to spare himself and his family from the rigors of a painful exit: he asks his son to assist him in ending his life before it incapacitates himself and those around him. West agrees and we are taken through the mental and physical preparation for the final goodnight of his father. Every aspect of the deed is related with dignity and with eloquent prose.

West must then fulfill the same promise to his equally famous and revered clinical psychologist mother from the Veteran's Hospital in Westwood. His mother has been failing due to Alzheimer's Disease as well as debilitating osteoporosis and kyphosis. She and her husband had always decided that they would elect the time and manner of their end, and after West has successfully fulfilled his promise to his father, his mother asks for the same modus exodus nine months later.

This extraordinarily well written book is important on many levels and will satisfy those who ponder the methods of assisted suicide as they perhaps have similar living experiences as the author: it will also offer keenly felt information for encouraging the passage of laws (already present in Oregon and Washington) to permit assisted suicides. West is bright, compassionate, and wholly human in his manner of writing. The reader comes away admiring his courage in offering the complete love his parents' request, feeling the anguish of his decision, and supportive of the stance he has taken in sharing this information with the public. Dylan Thomas' poem 'Do not go gentle into that good night' may seem the antithesis of this book's message, but if the 'rage against the dying of the light' is a standard bearer for calling for reform of our current cruel laws about suffering and death, then it is a pertinent resource for us all. Grady Harp, February 10

I was so glad to find this book, especially after the conservative uproar about "death panels."
West makes it clear the decision to die should be between a doctor and patient and not for family members to have to handle, nor left up to nature (perhaps forcing a person and their relatives to a poor quality of life for years).
A no- nonsense and thoroughly compassionate read about helping one's parents through terminal illnesses. Excellent.

Author John West tells a sometimes poignant, often wrenching tale of a family struggle all of us would hope to avoid but many of us will face: tough choices about life's end for the dying and those who love them. West positions himself as the Good Son, and indeed that seems how his parents saw him. It's hard not to wonder how his sisters, who play a sizeable role in this memoir, feel about their portrayal and the fact that they are not mentioned in the acknowledgements. But all of the family dynamics - or enigmatic hints of them - are there in black and white. Dying in today's world can lay bare both the strengths and the weaknesses of family and friends; John West is fearless in his portrayals of both.

This reader is saddened by the fact that West somehow knew nothing about Compassion & Choices, a national nonprofit that offers counsel and support in just such circumstances as he and his parents encountered. Their intervention could have prevented a lot of anguish. But perhaps his powerful story will encourage more open dialogue (Dying Unafraid) and the death with dignity movement in general; he belatedly tacks on a reference to the 10+-year-old Oregon law (Death without Denial, Grief without Apology: A Guide for Facing Death and Loss) and the newer Washington law. The Last Goodnights is an eloquent argument for extending compassion and dignity at life's end to "those who want it and need it. Because we all will want it and need it eventually."

I was prompted to read Mr. West's memoir after listening to his interview on NPR. I found his subject of great interest as my sister and I are in the process of seeing our mother through the final stages of an extremely long battle with cancer. While she has fought to live throughout the process (and frankly, mystifying to both my sister and me), my sister and I often have spoken about how we would like to have the choice to end our lives on our own terms. Hence, a timely book.
My first impression was strong: Mr. West writes intimately which gives his story its easy readability. And I strongly identified with its dark humor.
What I had difficulty with was something I picked up on during his interview which carried through into the book. I appreciate and acknowledge the great difficulty of the job Mr. West first undertook and then wrote about. Herculean tasks. But I question his judgmental attitude toward his siblings. While in the interview he skirted questions with mostly vague, euphemistic remarks when it came to his relationship with his sisters (which I believe spoke much louder than a frank discussion would have), his statements and comments in the book were filled with personal judgments that diminished the book and strained his credibility. While reading, I felt at times that he was getting back at them for some reason. Perhaps I am in error but really, was it necessary to discuss their limitations and allude to their relationships with their husbands? You were on your own in this endeavor, Mr. West, ostensibly at the behest of your parents and your readers should understand your commitment to the cause without the negativity you project. I have learned going through the process of a final illness of a loved one that people do the best they can with the circumstances they are given. Some people are prisoners of their emotions; some people cannot perform as well as others in a crisis. You play the cards you're dealt and you don't have to point a finger at one who plays differently than you.
Another curious scenario had to do with Letty, Jolly's hospice nurse. On the night of Jolly's suicide, Letty goes to bed and never gets up to check on her patient, even for a bathroom break? She allows West's explanation of the "do not disturb" sign? Having dealt with hospice nurses, this really strains credibility. Hospice nurses are trained not only to assist a patient, but also the family as well. I really can't imagine he had to be her "therapist", as he stated.
It is correct that stories such as this need to be told. I wish, however, that Mr. West had been able to achieve his emotional tone without diminishing others in the process. A memoir is just that -- the memory of one.
Three stars for taking the middle road.

John West's book is incredibly important. A truth teller, his voice gives us the courage to read an uncomfortable and sensitive subject matter for many, and suffused with gentleness and caring, giving hope for the final peace we all seek.