Customer Reviews

Lesbian Polyfidelity: A Pleasure Guide for the Woman Whose Heart Is Open to Multiple, Concurrent Sexualoves, or How to Keep Non-Monogamy Safe, Sane,

5 star:		(0)
4 star:		(2)
3 star:		(1)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

Ever wonder where all the lesbian feminists have gone? Here is one answer. The author of Lesbian Polyfidelity dares to love outside the lines of monogamy and has generously provided suggestions for those who are trying to navigate honest love lives that respect each woman's differing needs.

One by one, West shreds objections to loving more than one woman like so much confetti to throw in the face of the love police. With humor and wisdom, she assures us that love is not an addiction any more than fresh air is an addiction; there is plenty of both to go around. "Love is life affirming, generous, powerful, brave, and probably the most nourishing thing on this sad earth."

Is having more than one lover a psychopathology? The author tells us to avoid any psychotherapist who presents monogamy as the only healthy option.

While rewarding, polyfidelity offers its own challenges and this book provides suggestions for dealing with jealousy and setting personal boundaries. Along with her spiritual view of life, the author throws in a few breakfast recipes, reminding us to have healthy food around the house to sustain the emotional and physical energy required for relationships.

I was fortunate to have bought Lesbian Polyfidelity on line without having seen the cover. Though the cover is delightful -- a cartoon-like drawing of many cavorting nude women of various skin tones -- I might easily have judged this book by it and never picked it up, assuming that lesbian polyfidelity meant group sex or orgies (it doesn't), which interest me not at all. Instead, the book is about lesbian couples who want more fulfilling love lives but do not want to break up, and single women who enjoy variety.

This book is sex positive, love-positive, life-positive and lesbian-positive. Though skeptical about monogamy, it prescribes no one way to live or love, respecting the choices of women interested in no sex and those who want a lot. "Surely 'sexual liberation' also means the freedom to refrain from sex as we know it..." West writes.

Whether or not you ever explore a polyfidelitous life, this book provides an entertaining critique of our culture's assumptions about what is normal and possible.

Celeste West
Lesbian Polyfidelity

(San Franscisco, CA: Booklegger Publishing, 1996) 339 pages
(ISBN: 0-912932-16-3; hardcover)
(ISBN: 0-912932-15-5; paperback)
(Library of Congress call number: HQ75.5W475 1996)

Celeste West is a strong advocate of lesbians having many lovers
--both emotional and sexual relationships.
She has lived the lesbian polyamorous life-style herself in California.
And she has written a column for lesbian lovers,
which (in part) forms the later portions of this book.

West's survey of 500 lesbians found that 20%
were involved in more than one relationship.
And this might be a low number because people do not readily admit
that they have more than one lover.
Monogamy is still something of an 'ideal' in the lesbian community.
The late 20s and early 30s seem to be the years
in which lesbians attempt to be monogamous.
Before and after these years,
multiple partners seems to work better.
She also found that gay men tend to stay with one partner
for longer periods than lesbians.

Several interviews present lesbians who are good at
having more than one relationship at a time.
Because they were not burdened by the concept of marriage,
they allowed themselves to have whatever relationships
suited those particular phase of their lives.
They had other dimensions to their lives besides their relationships.
And their relationships changed as they grew and changed themselves.

West tries to show that multiple mates is common in nature.
Whatever we might think of this comparison,
her philosophical point can still be valid:
Some people can freely choose to have more than one relationship.
"Polyamory" might have been a better word than "polyfidelity"
because many of the relationships described have little commitment.
Some of the connections are just "party-girl" stuff.
What all the subjects have in common is multiple sex-partners.
Only some of this sexual sharing takes place within committed relationships.

Jealousy is a universal problem in all multiple relationships.
And many people attempt to cope with this problem by lies and secrecy.
But West recommends being as open as possible about all relationships.
Since the truth will probably come out eventually,
it is better to be open and honest from the start.
Certainly you should not attempt to keep your new lover a secret
until the night before you leave on a vacation with your new lover.

But sensitivity to the feelings of one's primary partner
might suggest keeping one-night-stands secret.
Assurance of continued love might be all that is needed.

West's methods for handling jealousy
seem to be mostly treating the feelings.
Do constructive things instead of worrying about the rival lover.
Take care of your body, mind, heart, & spirit.
If you are good to yourself,
the pangs of jealousy will not bite as deeply.
West does recognize the difference between
emotional replacement and sexual replacement.
But she does not offer any advice on how to avoid jealousy.

West warns against the "couple-cracker",
whose only purpose is to break-up an established couple
and then move on to the next emotional conquest.

Some lesbian therapists can help lesbians deal with their problems,
but sometimes 'falling in love' with the therapist
causes more problems than it solves.

The basic tone of this book is that of an advice columnist,
who has been thru the wars that her readers are now suffering.
Thus, the book is not driven by a coherent philosophical perspective,
which might help people to enter multiple loving in a thoughtful way.
Rather, the subjects already find themselves in the midst of
several sexual and romantic relationships.
And they want some help to think thru what is happening to them.
For most people it was not a definite life-style choice,
just a pattern that developed in the lesbian sub-culture.

More often this book seems to come along with advice
on how to clean up after the fire
rather than how to prevent the fire in the first place.
A better-organized approach would begin with
some wise principles for multiple loving,
which could then to applied to specific situations.
People who just stumble into multiple relationships
would probably find themselves outside of the principles,
but at least they could see how to handle their relationships
in order to make multiple loving work better the next time.

This book does not address heterosexual multiple relationships.
But because the literature is so thin,
this book might also be helpful to some readers who are not lesbian.

But other books do deal with such matters.
Search the Internet for: "Multiple Loving Bibliography".

James Leonard Park, author of
New Ways of Loving: How Authenticity Transforms Relationships.

I thought that this book had a lot of west coast hippie sensitivity and silliness... I would have liked something a bit more straightforward with fewer trippy explorations of feelings. However, there isn't a whole lot of stuff out there on lesbian polyfidelity - so its a good resource for women who are learning about this relationship style.