Customer Reviews

Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage: America's Love Lab Experts Share Their Strategies for Strengthening Your Relationship

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The authors operate a Love Lab for troubled marriages. By miking and video taping the couples, the authors analyze the language and attitudes for their impact on resolving the problems, both in a negative and positive sense. This book follows the problem resolution process for ten couples that have issues that others are likely to have, like too much work, infidelity, emotional distance, irritability and nagging, dominance of kids, humdrum existence, etc.

This book is really a follow up to the earlier "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by the same author. But it is far more practical. In each chapter devoted to a particular couple and problem, the language used is analyzed in a step-by-step manner. The authors become involved by directing the conversations in a direction of complaining gently without criticizing and deescalating negative behaviors. The earlier "principles" are invoked but in the context of the current situation. Follow up sessions are supplied in some cases.

The authors seem to have stepped back a bit from the self-promotion that oozed from the earlier work. It is a better book. The main criticism of the book is the assumption that all marriages can be made to work. Some cannot despite civility.

As a marriage and family therapist, I rely most heavily on the work of John Gottman, because he is one of the only authors/relationship experts who uses scientific research to identify the components of successful and unsuccessful relationships.

Ten Lessons To Transform Your Marriage is an engaging format to present his "Love Lab" research findings and related relationship advice. The ten "lessons" were presented through ten different couples, and it was easy to become engrossed in the story of each couple as they talked through their relationship issues. Embedded within each couple's conversation are clues about how they interact and connect, and the dynamics underlying their conflict. By following these conversations and the authors interventions, readers will learn how to uncover the deeper issues underlying ongoing conflicts, as well as how to use productive communication tools to transform relationship issues into relationship improvement and positive change.

What I like most about this book is its message that relationships can be healed and changed even in the face of significant pain, hurt and disappointment. John Gottman's work illustrates that relationship success is not just about a couple's compatibility or about never hurting each other, but instead about open, effective communication. This is a great "reality check" for all couples. This book will ideally give a lot of couples hope about how to transform their relationship problems into fulfillment and satisfaction through the right kind of communication.

When it comes to books on marriage and relationships, I rely on the Gottman books, where the concepts were gleaned from scientific observation and statistical analysis, rather than pop psychology and opinion. For several years, I have been giving "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" (SP) as wedding gifts, and now I include "10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage" (10L) as well.

Although SP and 10L cover much of the same material, SP explains the concepts in more depth with exercises to apply the material, whereas 10L explains the concepts in a concise yet functional manner, and is heavier on application. I find both books equally valuable and highly recommend one read both--SP first, then 10L, although 10L is perfectly usable as a stand-alone book.

In 10L, we're introduced to 10 couples, each with a different issue. One couple, for example, has a marriage that's so child-centered they're not taking adequate time for themselves. Another couple lives a parallel existence in the house as roommates who don't get along very well. The Gottmans devote a chapter to each couple's problem. In each chapter, there's an explanation of the problem along with a transcript of the couple having a conversation (in some cases an argument!) about their issue. To the right of the dialog, the Gottmans comment on what they notice, with plus or minus signs, a very helpful feature that helps the reader integrate the principles into a real-life situation. After the initial dialog, the Gottmans comment on what the husband and wife did that was helpful or detrimental, and how they can improve. The couple was then sent back to have a second conversation, and in each case the couple made improvements on how they dealt with the issue. Each chapter finishes with more comments from the Gottmans, along with an update on the couple (usually one year later), and an exercise for reader to do with her or his partner.

As I read the dialogs, I covered up the Gottmans' comments and thought my own, then checked to see what the Gottmans thought. Soon I was analyzing the dialog like a pro, which helped me see how to apply the concepts to real life at a deeper level than I gained from just reading SP and John Gottman's earlier book, "Why Marriages Succeed or Fail." One thing I like is that the Gottmans get at the deeper meaning behind some seemingly mundane conflicts. One couple was discussing the time constraints of childcare and volunteer work, but the deeper issue was that they failed to recognize each others' dreams.

Unlike the Gottmans, I thought several of the couples were too incompatible to be married. One husband lost their retirement money in a bad deal, had an affair, and routinely minimized his wife's feelings in conversation. I thought this man is too self-centered and immature to be married. However, the Gottmans worked with this couple who reported a year later that on a scale from 1 to 10, they've improved from a 4 or 5 to a 9. Granted the Gottmans didn't use cases where they couple had separated or divorced by the follow-up period.

I think many couples are too incompatible to be married in the first place. However, if both parties take the time to diligently learn and apply the Gottman communication and relationship skills, they'll at the very least be less miserable than they were to begin with. I think the Gottman material is so valuable, you could randomly select any two adults from the phone book, and as long as neither is a sociopath, both could apply the Gottman principles and live together civilly for a year or more!

I listened to the audiobook of this title, and found so much material here that is relevant to my situation. The dialogs presented and the analysis and recommendations really helped me to see patterns of my own behavior that I can change to improve my marriage (and for that matter, other relationships). This is really a great book.

This is a good resource for any marriage in crisis or any marriage desiring to prevent a crisis. As a licensed therapist I frequently quote, recommend, (and try to require) couples read this book. It is a bit difficult to work through due to the way it is written. The chapters are organized into common themes of marital dysfunction. Counseling session vignettes/transcripts are broken down with the author's comments about what they notice the couples doing good or bad. Don't throw it out after laboring through the first 2~3 chapters. Stay with it. It's not bad writing, it's just different. If you're a therapist, you might be more comfortable with the vignettes and dialoging approach used in this book. Or, if you are a therapist you may experience PTSD flashbacks from grad school when you were required to transcribe your practicum sessions for your professor to destroy.

If you purchase the audio ed. be advised that you will not get the supplements included in the book; assessments, inventories, and questionnaires.

this book is for anyone in a relationship, whether or not you happen to be married. what i love about john gottman is his scientific, research-based approach to the topic of being in a relationship. it's just the facts, ma'am. his writing style is easy to read with many clear examples of how couples communicate (and miscommunicate). i have read books on this topic for years - all the classic psychology books on better communication - and gottman is now at the top of my list.

I recently purchased 10 Lessons to Transform your Marriage by John Gottman because everyone has told me what amazing communication tips it has in it. And it really does. The book explains the tips very clearly and it is communication advice that applies in a multitude of situtations.

Many couples need help figuring out their marriage or relationship and this certainly helped me with mine. A lot of it is common sense of things you read in magazines or see on Oprah but this is nice to have it written out so you can take it in, practice and come back to when you need a good reminder of how to talk to your spouse.

The communication strategies helped me see what I was doing right and what I was messing up on. A few months after I bought this I found the book Because It Feels Good which helped me see what else I could do better at in terms of the bedroom (sex). After all, the "10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage" book does wonders for day to day stuff but - oddly enough - it doesn't touch on the sex aspect. Between "10 Lessons" and "Because It Feels Good" I learned to (a) communicate better with my partner and (b) learn to love sex again (thanks to Because It Feels Good). Both books helps us in different ways. Even if you think you know it all, give this book a try - it might help you, too, so you can get along better and stay together.

"10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage" is based on the interactions of ten couples who are concerned about their marriages and are willing to do what it takes to create more harmony and love in their relationship. This book shows ineffective and effective communications as recorded in a "love lab" set up by John and Julie Gottman.

Each chapter begins with some background about the couple and then proceeds into a section where the couple has a real-life conversation. This discloses the main problems in the relationship and then John and Julie Gottman give their analysis on the situation.

Here are the situations these couples find themselves in:

Mike and Maria need to lose weight and find time to nurture their relationship
Candace and David are recovering from David's affair and Candace wants to know she is #1
Sam is a workaholic and Katie wants him to spend more time with her
Marilyn and Bob have developed communication problems since Bob has been retired
Steve and Denise want to go on a dream vacation to India
Kevin and Suzanne have financial problems and Kevin is depressed
Craig and Beth are caught up in an argument about dividing up household chores
Jack and Maureen feel their relationship lacks passion
Ron and Melissa don't have time for each other
Terry wants stability while Amanda lives for excitement

Do you see any similarities in the problems these couples are facing and the ones you have in your own marriage? By reading this book you will realize what is detrimental to your relationship and what to do to solve recurring problems.

I like that all of these couples were willing to make changes so they had more effective communication. It really was as simple as developing some new communication skills.

If you have noticed an increase in criticism, defensiveness, contempt or stonewalling you could be headed for divorce. This book could help you analyze your own relationship and find creative solutions so you can remain married to the person you love.

Here are some additional books I've found helpful in my own marriage:

Cracking the Communication Code: The Secret to Speaking Your Mate's Language

How to Get Your Husband to Talk to You

The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate

Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs

For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men

Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: The Classic Guide to Understanding the Opposite Sex

The Love Dare

The Secrets of Happily Married Women: How to Get More Out of Your Relationship by Doing Less

7 Stages of Marriage: Laughter, Intimacy and Passion Today, Tomorrow, Forever

The Secrets of Happily Married Men: Eight Ways to Win Your Wife's Heart Forever

~The Rebecca Review

I liked how it uses practical situations. I was able to relate to them better.