Customer Reviews

Letting Go: A 12-Week Personal Action Program to Overcome a Broken Heart

5 star:		(16)
4 star:		(7)
3 star:		(5)
2 star:		(3)
1 star:		(5)

 

 

"Letting Go" is definitely worth reading, as it's obviously very helpful to lots of people. But as a sensitive and experienced woman who's been through heartbreak more than once, I found myself questioning some of the book's assertions and recommendations.

I certainly agree with the reviewer from Middletown who flinched at the advice on page 63: "It's okay to have sex with somebody just because they're there and they're nice." Not only can that attitude lead to STDs and exploitation of the "nice" person, but it can be emotionally damaging to the heartbroken person. Certainly for women, casual sex while in the throes of an emotional crisis is usually a bad idea.

This is just one example of what I suspect may be a bias toward men's experience in "Letting Go." References to "getting off" and 'scoring" don't sound like they're intended for female readers. There are also statements like, "Women usually depend on men for things like the illusion of emotional security, financial support, social respectability, general rescuing, and the opportunity to play the highly touted family game." Which century are the authors thinking of?!

The authors also use male pronouns quite consistently, despite an introductory note announcing their intention to use non-sexist language.

In general, I felt like"Letting Go" was not written with me in mind. I know that many of the techniques it suggests have been helpful to many women. But its language and attitudes really relate much more to men.

(...)

I read this book when I broke up with my boyfriend of 7 years. Considering the book says it will take half of that time to overcome the relationship - I decided the book was worth reading because there was no way I was waiting another 3 years to get over this relationship. It was very easy to read - and as a woman - I did follow the steps. I would read the same chapter over again for that week if I felt weak and sometimes just to take up time so I wasn't watching bad tv that would make me think of "HIM". I put all the memories in a box, etc., as suggested in the book. After three months the book did help me, alot. The book makes you realize that you are normal and it is ok to have creepy fingers to crank call him and hang up. That it is ok to be angry and tell him that,and that it is ok to cry when you hear a song or look at his picture. Eventually, the book made me not want to call him or yell at him or tell him what I really thought of him. The book helps you to realize that you need to be good to yourself and get back in the game of life. After all - just because you had one bad apple doesn't mean that the whole bunch of apples are rotten.I would definately recommend!

I suffered a break up exactly one week ago and was in the bookstore searching for some solace. I looked through this book and I am sorry to say it made me feel worse than I do right now, if that's even possible.

The book does an excellent job relating to how you feel after a terrible breakup--after the first week of course, I am pretty miserable--but besides that, the strategies offered are really awful and could possibly set you back. Among the bad ideas throughout the book:

(1) Call your ex. Excuse me?? I need to make a clean break here and get on with my life, not risk the possibility of being re-rejected or offered some false hopes.
(2) Go out and have sex. It should be self-explanatory why this one is not helpful.
(3) Have an "implosion" ceremony, where you take out ALL the remaining mementos of your ex (that you should have carefully saved, according to these authors), and surround yourself with them while you watch old home videos and/or listen to the songs you had together. Spend the entire day in mourning and don't do anything to improve your mood. Follow this day with a celebration of the ending of the relationship.
(4) An extensive checklist in the beginning of the book that labels your symptoms as "compulsive," "hysterical," "depressive" and other words that make you feel like you've really lost your mind.

Perhaps this book could be helpful, but ideas like these should best be carried out with the supervision of a therapist.

This book focused more on how to handle a new relationship once you've gotten over a relationship than how to recover from a break up. Though the book did offer a few useful tips on how to handle the early crisis days, it was a disappointment to discover that the authors were more focused on new relationships. I have read much better books on coping with the pain of lost love, and I wouldn't recommend this book to anyone trying to overcome one.

If you are a spiritual person this is NOT the book for you!!! Some suggestions include casual sex, smoking pot, acting as if you are someone else, wearing clevage showing clothes, putting Hustler and Playboy on the coffee table, watching Deep Throat,whispering "I feel like I'm being raped" in your lover's ear, you get the picture ! I found myself laughing out loud. They can't be serious. Get yourself a book on meditation instead !!!

This book is not the best choice for such a delicate matter. I had nowhere to turn, and somebody passed this on to me. They had 'read' it, but hadn't 'used' it (BIG difference). The beginning of the book was very good. It was VALIDATING to read about just how much other guys (and gals) like me, feel the way I do. It was also inspiring to know that 'guys like me' who aren't supposed to get their hearts broken (you know... studs :-)), are the most prone to suicide. Whether this is true or not... didn't matter. the point is I was validated for feeling aweful and feeling ashamed of myself on top of that. The book really takes a dive after about chapter two. The techniques here are out of date, old-fashioned, and hurtful to both parties. I never did get 'over' the person involved; not with this book anyway. Try out 'how to survive the loss of a love' instead by Bloomfield: Much better stuff.

First off, I'll agree with the recent reviewer that the book smacks of chauvinism. I kept checking during my reading of it to see whether it had been updated and indeed it is "fresh" from 1978. So I had to overlook those issues. I read MANY books to get over my separation from a long marriage - and then the loss of the next significant other. This was definitely one of the best for understanding that love CAN easily be an addiction to a person, in the mold of addiction to drugs, alcohol, etc. So the concept of behavior modification is really neat. Now, here is my reservation, and why it doesn't get a fifth star. I suspected (even in my puny, non-psychologist mind) that this book glossed over the grieving process. Behavior modification to "short-circuit" the lowest lows of despair, etc. And then my counselor confirmed that concern. So while behavior retraining might work, do you cover over grief that you're later going to have to deal with anyway? Isn't it better to plow through it and get it over with? That's probably why my last breakup was the worst - I ended up grieving (subconciously) for ALL previous losses because I had never worked through them. So take this book for its insight on how your love is an addiction amenable to change, but be careful about training to skip over your feelings. Read a book on grief over loss, in addition to this.
(most of all, if you are newly separated or divorced, first read "Crazy Time". Now that's what saved me in the darkest early period.)

This book has excellent advice, however I think that in this age of AIDS and other sexually-transmitted diseases, it is not advisable to follow the "it's okay to have sex with somebody just because they're there and they're nice" suggestion on page 63 -- the broken-hearted has enough emotional troubles to deal with -- without getting a possibly fatal, or incurable, STD to add to their problems.

The feelings of the other 'nice' person who could be falling in love with the newly broken-hearted person is also not considered. Advice like this would not be fair to the new person and may break their heart in turn. After all, they don't know they are being used for sex because "they are there and they're nice."

Promiscuity really shouldn't be promoted to people as one of the cure-alls for a broken heart.

I have been using this book since 1988 to get me through the big break-ups in my life. If it wasn't for this book, things would have gone so much slower. My therapist gave me a copy and I have been buying copies ever since for friends as gifts. This is a must have reference book in this world. Help yourself out and ease the pan, believe me--this isn't your average crappy self-help book that gets you nowhere. There is so much humor and realness in this book--these authors understand the pain process and have made my life so much easier. I think everyone should have a copy of this book. Yes, I think that you should buy it, especially since nothing in this world is permanent and you must take care of yourself. There isn't another book that I have suggested more in the last 15 years, I just wish that I didn't have too.

Loved it! Loved it! Loved it! This book made all the difference in the world when it came to helping me get over my Ex. Great exercises. Many of which have stuck with me all of these years (about 7 now!). I actually have used them to get over other "harmful" situations in my life since. This is one of four books that really changed my life. The others are: How To Survive The Loss Of A Love; Surviving, Healing & Growing (The companion workbook to How To Survive The Loss Of a Love); and The Breakup Diary (a guided journal with leading paragraphs that help you get rid of the negative and start thinking positive). If you're having trouble letting go...you have to get this book!