Allow me to start by saying two very crucial things: The first being, I will be spoiling parts of the so-called "plot". The second being, I am very tired and sleep deprived from working all night (god bless 3rd shift), BUT LET IT BE KNOWN MY HATRED OF THIS BOOK OUTWEIGHS MY NEED OF SLEEP.
*SPOILERS AHEAD* (I'm saying it twice to be thorough)
*ahem*
So, to start-I REALLY wanted to like this book. To such an extent, I was telling family and friends about it's upcoming release. The story sounded awesome and the online media seemed to be a swell idea. NOW, I have to apologize to every person I hyped the book to (my bad), because it is a far cry from what I expected.
For starters- let's examine the biggest cliche in the book: OUR MAIN CHARACTER. Steve Dark, a (former) "special" agent who loses it all, goes mildly insane, goes rogue, battles booze, blah,blah,blah...Can I be the first to say, Mr. Zuiker might as well have called him Doomy McDoom n' Gloom? Seriously, everything about Steve Dark made me hate him, even his name. Why? Because this type of character has appeared in stories of this genre for YEARS. (Max Payne?) The tortured soul, we get it. It's overdone. And to make matters worse, he's the only agent who ever got close to catching the villain a few years ago, nobody else in the present day wants to attempt catching him, and they pull the "nobody-else-will-do-it-Steve,-please-come-out-of-retirement-and-alcoholism-and-find-the-killer" card.
Next, we have the relationship between the killer (I'd spell his name but for the life of me can't remember how-oh well), Schqweguall and Dark. Have you ever heard the term Cat and Mouse? Good. Well, let's take that term, and BEAT IT TO DEATH WITH A RUBBER MALLET. Seriously, Dark is always one step behind, and Sasquatch is always two steps ahead with impossible technology, Cirque De Soleil escapes, and a knack for tacky buisness attire. After SO MANY PAGES of Swiffer escaping or evading or whatever he does, it got old. And of course, Dark LOSES HIS MIND AND SELF-ESTEEM (sort of).
*Plot spoliers! WOO!* You ever see the movie Seven? Oh, you didn't? Well-there's a killer goin around (played by the wonderful Kevin Spacey) and he's murdering people based off...the seven deadly sins! GREAT MOVIE (but that's a review for another day). Well, not to be outdone by such genius ideas, Mr. Zuiker takes it upon himself to have the killer have his artwork framed upon the 7 Virtues...I'll let that soak in. And in case you're wondering, the murders/crimes/etc... are very LOOSELY based on them. I understand, nearly every idea under the sun has been done, but this was inexcusable. Did he think we forgot that movie was ever around? THE ENDING IS THE SAME FOR CRYING OUT LOUD (save a few minor differences...and I mean VERY MINOR),
HA! Speaking of me spoiling plot (this will be humorous, because I'm spoiling Zuiker's plot spoiler!), I want to take a moment to mention, if you are writing a book and have a HUGE plot twist NOBODY is gonna see coming *clears throat* DON'T FRIGGIN' HINT TOWARDS IT IN THE FIRST FIFTY PAGES! Seriously, I nearly threw the book across the room when I read a certain line in the first portion of the book. *SPOILER* When it is hinted that Smiegel impregnated Dark's wife, I was OUTRAGED. Why? Because that was such an AWESOME twist, no matter the outcome, but he used it so dang early in the book! Had that occurred later on, say two-thirds of the way through, I would have been FLOORED. But, Mr. Zuiker thinks this is an episode of CSI and all cards have to be on the table in forty minutes before the last commericial break.
The Internet videos...what can I say? They were kinda creepy at first, but about five videos into the story, they progressively get worse and worse and OH MY GOD THEY GET WORSE. (Note-when I say worse, I don't mean gruesome or graphic. I mean, the acting is bad. The graphics are cheesy. And if you can't do it right, don't do it.) BUT, the first few videos are cool...so, I guess that's good right?
Okay, now to the main heart of my blood curdling scream of an argument against this book: the idea of content vs. writing style. When I spotted this book on amazon a few weeks before it's release, it seemed like a fairly adult book. I wasn't expecting something TOO difficult to read, but I was expecting at the very least, a challenge. Let me put it this way- it is a very accessible book. The reading is very easy- 12 to 13 year olds could read this (god forbid). HOWEVER, my complaint is that the content of the book is very adult. So, you have a writing style that doesn't mesh with the content. (As my title states-) If the Hardy Boys were former alcoholics and chasing murderers, THIS WOULD BE THEIR BOOK. I felt confused. Is this intended for adults or kids? If it's adults-fix your dialogue, up the ante when it comes to vocabulary, and make it longer. If it's kids, take out the scene with three teenage boys and make Dark wear a leather jacket.
Overall, this book failed to meet any expectations I had. I wanted to like it so badly, but it's like the author had a bunch of "yes-men" telling him he's a literary genius...there are so many things wrong with this book, and trust me, if I could write another fifteen paragraphs, I would. BUT, I'm tired and Amazon won't let me.
The saddest part about the whole darn thing, Zuiker's coming out with two other books in this series, and I'll still buy them, read them, (probably) hate them, and return them two days later. Because I, much like Steve Dark, have a knack for torturing myself.
