The Liar in Your Life: The Way to Truthful Relationships [Hardcover]

Robert Feldman (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: August 3, 2009

In The Liar in Your Life, psychology professor Robert Feldman, one of the world's leading authorities on deception, draws on his immense body of knowledge to give fresh insights into how and why we lie, how our culture has become increasingly tolerant of deception, the cost it exacts on us, and what to do about it. His work is at once surprising and sobering, full of corrections for common myths and explanations of pervasive oversimplifications.

Feldman examines marital infidelity, little white lies, career-driven resumé lies, and how we teach children to lie. Along the way, he reveals-despite our beliefs to the contrary- how it is nearly impossible to spot a liar (studies have shown no relationship between nervousness, lack of eye contact, or a trembling voice, and acts of deception). He also provides startling evidence of just how integral lying is to our culture; indeed, his research shows that two people, meeting for the first time, will lie to each other an average of three times in the first ten minutes of a conversation.

Feldman uses this discussion of deception to explore ways we can cope with infidelity, betrayal, and mistrust, in our friends and family. He also describes the lies we tell ourselves: Sometimes, the liar in your life is the person you see in the mirror. With incisive clarity and wry wit, Feldman has written a truthful book for anyone who whose life has been touched by deception.

Editorial Reviews

Review

"Bob Walter adds his own pizzazz in his narration. With an approach that is arresting but not alarming, you can feel the drama as he delivers examples of lies that occur in personal, government, media, and business arenas. His vocal centeredness helps him engage with the book's exposé approach and make listeners pay attention without making them feel manipulated." (AudioFile ) --This text refers to the Audio CD edition.

About the Author

A Fellow of both the American Psychological Association and Association for Psychological Science, Robert Feldman's research has examined lying and everyday deception for over 25 years. His studies have been supported by grants from the U.S. National Institute of Mental Health and the National Institute on Disabilities and Rehabilitation Research.

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Product Details

• Hardcover: 304 pages
• Publisher: Twelve (August 3, 2009)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0446534935
• ISBN-13: 978-0446534932
• Product Dimensions: 6.2 x 1 x 9.2 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1 pounds
• Average Customer Review: 4.0 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (7 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #795,200 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Robert S. Feldman is Dean in the College of Social and Behavioral Sciences and Professor of Psychology at the University of Massachusetts Amherst. Feldman, who is winner of the College Distinguished Teacher award, has also taught courses at Mount Holyoke College, Wesleyan University, and Virginia Commonwealth University.

As Dean, Feldman is responsible for developing, administering, and promoting the academic programs of the College of Social and Behavioral Sciences. In this position, he is involved with supporting students, faculty, and staff of the college, as well as developing programs that benefit our faculty and undergraduate and graduate students.

Previously, Feldman was Director of Undergraduate Studies in the Department of Psychology, where he initiated the Research and Mentoring Program. Feldman regularly teaches introductory psychology to classes ranging in size from 20 to nearly 500 students. He also has served as a Hewlett Teaching Fellow and Senior Online Teaching Fellow, and he frequently gives talks on the use of technology in teaching. He initiated distance learning courses in psychology at the University of Massachusetts Amherst. Feldman also founded and continues to direct Power-Up for Succes, a first-year experience course for students.

A Fellow of the American Psychological Association and the American Psychological Society, Feldman received a B.A. with High Honors from Wesleyan University and an M.S. and Ph.D. from the University of Wisconsin-Madison. He is winner of a Fulbright Senior Research Scholar and Lecturer award and has written more than 100 books, book chapters, and scientific articles. In addition, he is on the Board of Directors of the Federation of Associations in Behavioral and Brain Sciences (FABBS).

His books, which have been translated into Spanish, French, Portuguese, Chinese, Korean, Japanese, and other languages, include The Liar in Your Life, Understanding Psychology, Essentials of Understanding Psychology, Fundamentals of Nonverbal Behavior, Development of Nonverbal Behavior in Children, Social Psychology, Development Across the Life Span, and P.O.W.E.R. Learning: Strategies for Success in College and Life. His research interests include honesty and deception and impression management. His research has been supported by grants from the National Institute of Mental Health and the National Institute on Disabilities and Rehabilitation Research.

Feldman's spare time is most often devoted to serious cooking and earnest, if not entirely expert, piano playing. He also loves to travel. He has three adult children and lives with his wife, also a psychologist, overlooking the Holyoke mountain range in the Pioneer Valley of western Massachusetts.

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

14 of 14 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Fascinating portrait of deception, October 24, 2009

By 

Craig Clarke "Living After Midnight: Hard and... (New England) - See all my reviews
(VINE VOICE)   

This review is from: The Liar in Your Life: The Way to Truthful Relationships (Audio CD)

"Deception forms a common part of ordinary social interactions.... If we didn't lie, we would be considered socially awkward, not to mention something of a jerk." -- from The Liar in Your Life

You're a liar. And you're lied to every day. Think you're not? Count the number of times someone answers "Fine" to your "How are you?" when they're obviously bothered by something. Even your "How are you?" is a lie, because how often do you really want to hear about an acquaintance's personal problems? And how many times have you said, "What a beautiful baby" when you really believe the child looks just like its ugly parents?

Why do we lie so much? Why are lies like, "That dress looks great on you" and "The dinner was delicious" considered vital for social interaction when, if we knew the person was lying to us, we would likely be disturbed -- and yet, according to the research of author Richard Feldman, just as likely to increase the number of our lies to that person?

In The Liar in Your Life: The Way to Truthful Relationships (which is being marketed as self-help when it's really a wonderful psychological portrait of deception), Feldman shows that even trained lie detectors like police officers are statistically only as good as the average person at detecting a lie: accurate less than half the time (this is worse than random guessing). He also describes the liar's advantage and the truth bias, and offers tips on encouraging truth and how to find the balance between "radical honesty" and blatant deception.

Feldman shows how the legend about George Washington and the cherry tree is a made-up story that we ironically use to keep children honest. And there is a politeness / honesty paradox. We teach children to always be honest, but then we want them to be polite, a practice that often involves outright lying if not merely the omission of the truth.

Surprisingly, Feldman's take on lying is not entirely negative. He goes on in The Liar in Your Life about how, in our society, knowing how (and more importantly, when) to lie is a sign of proper social development. There is even evidence that deception is a survival instinct. Natural selection favors deceitful practices like camouflage and "playing dead," and even infants as young as 6 months will use false crying to get attention. Is it possible we're born to lie?

Dr. Feldman may be mildly long-winded, but he has so much interesting information to impart that it's rarely a problem. Instead, his conversational narrative style makes the bulk of The Liar in Your Life go down easily. Remarkably, audiobook reader Bob Walter adopts this style as his own so completely that it seems as if the author is reading it himself.

From self-deception to cognitive dissonance, from blind dates to job interviews, from résumé padding to online avatars, from Lou Pearlman to Bernie Madoff, lying is a part of our everyday life, even a part of being human. So maybe it's less important to be honest all the time than it is to be aware of the deception that surrounds us. That sounds like a more reasonable expectation, at least until something better comes along.

4 of 4 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Interesting and insightful audio..., October 21, 2009

By 

Rick Sheridan "AudioColumn.com" (Xenia, Ohio) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: The Liar in Your Life: The Way to Truthful Relationships (Audio CD)

Lies are much more common than we realize, and deception is an unfortunate part of everyday life, according to Robert Feldman. From mistruths by Presidents Nixon and Clinton, to false diplomas by the dean of admissions of M.I.T., to the lies from our local used car dealer. Feldman believes that the issue is not whether people lie to us, but how much and why, along with why we often believe them. Finally, he explores why we view certain lies as harmless, while rejecting others as manipulative and shameful. From [...]

2 of 2 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars The Liar in Your Life, April 22, 2010

By 

Mary A. Austin "Music Spirit" (Hyde Park, Utah) - See all my reviews

This review is from: The Liar in Your Life: The Way to Truthful Relationships (Hardcover)

I was so impressed with how it connects with real life--it is true! It has helped me realize what I do and what others do and how life can be better being more truthful. Everyone needs to read this book.