Customer Reviews

Lies at the Altar: The Truth About Great Marriages

5 star:		(75)
4 star:		(20)
3 star:		(5)
2 star:		(3)
1 star:		(3)

 

 

The questions in this book are worth the price of the book. Start with those if you want...but I'd advise reading the entire book, from start to finish.

WHO should read this book? In a nutshell, anyone who is yearning for a serious, committed relationship that has a chance of lasting for years. This book will help those people tip the odds in their favor and to do some soul searching before committing to anyone.

As the author notes, GETTING married shouldn't be the goal-instead, making the marriage LAST should. For the one person here who criticized the author because she had a failed marriage, I'd counter by saying, "You don't learn if you don't make mistakes". Some of the best books were written by those who failed first (or thought they did)...and then became determined to figure out WHY. Clearly, this author has thought long and hard about marriage and relationships and it shows.

There is a lot of wisdom in this book but it will only work for those who are truly honest in their responses to the various questions and issues raised. The author also points out some of the ways we are conditioned to think unrealistically about relationships and then addresses ways to avoid that problem, pushing readers to look past their automatic responses and to think about the relationship's future.

I really liked this one!

Let me start by saying that considering I am an avid reader, this is the first time I've felt compelled to write a review for a book. Also, I'm probably one of few women who isn't an Oprah "fan". I have nothing against her but I have simply not been motivated enough to be a regular viewer of her show. A big motivation for me to write this review has been from the negative ones I have read.



I personally found this to be a very good book about relationships and facing the truth about what marriage is truly about. As a some times head strong woman (which may be putting it mildly), this book actually made me step back and examine the ways I may have sabotoge my relationships in the past. It helped me to think of ways I can improve myself to thus be a better person for my next serious relationship. Therefore, I don't understand the negative reviews about how this was a male bashing book or that it was biased toward women. In fact, this is one of the things I liked most about the book because of its ability to force me to look at myself (which is what a few of my friends enjoyed about the book, also).



Though I am divorced, I still found this to be very helpful and thus don't understand those who bashed Dr. Robin for not being suited to write on the topic. Those comments are equivalent to someone telling me to never get married again because I failed at it the first time. I mean really do people not have the opportunity to learn and grow from their mistakes? The only thing she has done is applied both her experience and profession to help others, which I thank her for.



I disagree with the person who said this book is advocating people to jump ship in bad marriages. I believe if a couple is open minded enough to both acknowledge and learn from the lies they've told themselves prior to entering into their marriage that they can learn how to improve it. However, it is definitely something each person must first admit and improve within themselves first. For that reason I do agree with a few reviews that suggest this book is probably better suited for people prior to entering marriage. This is the reason I gave it only 4 stars - since it seems a bit harder to apply after you've entered marriage (which is probably when you need help most) as oppose to before. I am however going to suggest my potential marriage partner and I read this together, so we can avoid possible mistakes ahead of time to give us a better chance of having a great marriage.



Last, I was HIGHLY disturbed by a reviewer who said she did not see emotional abuse as a reason to end a marriage. I have very strong views about the sanctity of marriage myself and mourned not just the end of my relationship but also the end of the marriage itself. I say this to say until anyone has actually experienced emotional abuse, they simply CANNOT speak to say a person should have to endure a life under these circumstances. Emotional abuse is very real and sometimes just as destructive, if not more, as physical abuse. I speak from experience.



There, I know I've said a mouth full however, I would have been remised if I didn't take the time to at least speak to some of the negative reviews to give a person considering reading this book an opinion from both ends of the spectrum. It's a worthy read - if you're willing to look at yourself and apply it to improve the person you are in order to be a better mate to someone else.

It takes a brave woman to reveal the mistakes in her marriage to help others improve their own, yet that's exactly what Dr. Smith has done in this amazing book. She poses hundreds of questions that few people have the courage to examine, much less discuss with their partners. But doing so is the only way to create the type of fulfilling marriage that's truly worth having.

I applaud Dr. Smith for writing this book. In a world with few relationship models, she has offered a painfully insightful place to begin.

You know, I had just gotten tired of getting involved in relationships only to find them fall apart. I was tired of the "bait and switch" that occurs many times while dating. I was tired of inadvertantly being a jerk and doing things to sabotage my own relationships.
You'd really think love, decency, and some common sense would be enough for two people to make it through life together, but it's so much more complicated than that. I think today's world is different in that we have so many choices and so many easy outs that life-long commitment is just that much harder (than before, when people just stuck in their marriages b/c that's what you're "supposed to do").
So I have gone around and started reading all sorts of relationship books, and I am determined that I will be better equipped to be a great partner (and get what I want in return). I have never been the sort of person to read these kinds of books, but maybe the problem people are having is that they're not willing to devote the time and the effort to really make their relationships rock solid. It's all very "touchy-feely" and comes across as lame. I get that.

What I really like about this book are the quizzes. No, they're not pass/fail quizzes, but question banks to go through with your mate before you make any sudden moves/life-changing decisions. I also really like the listening exercises. Smith is very good at pointing out how most people "listen" by formulating rebuttals in their head instead of really _empathizing_ with their mate. Excellent point and one I've already actively instituted in my life.
I don't think people who are already married/unhappy would get much out of this book, though. Like pre-nups (which I think should be mandatory for everyone), this book is best used before you get married.

first let me say that i'm a woman so i read the book through those eyes. that said, i think the book gives lots of scenarios that everyday couples encounter and dr. robin talks to you about how to navigate through them. i have read the book in chunks and found that to be the best approach for me. there are some useful exercises and tools for working through issues in this book.

she doesn't tell people if they've got a problem they must end the relationship although the start of the book is a little bit more focused on assessing whether or not you're in a good relationship to begin with, the 2nd or 3rd chapter and beyond gets into if you're in a relationship how to work through the common issues that might come up. for those concerned that the book is geared towards women being the "victims" and men being "wrong", that tone, if you feel it's present, really dissipates after the very start of the book. basically the 3rd chapter or so on focuses on breaking down the marriage vows and how even with the best intentions we don't always know what will come up nor are we equipped to deal with it.

i like how in a lot of examples she explains WHY people are doing what they do or saying what they say. many times she points to our childhood as a source of why we are who we are. sometimes in a relationship i think we become so focused on how our partner feels we forget the "why" of their behavior although dr. robin takes it a step further and doesn't excuse the behavior but gets people to a place where they can find a solution that works for them as a couple. she recounts many stories from her practice that i think we can all learn from.

i particularly like her discussion about the marriage table and the different people that will come in and out of your lives as a couple. that is very useful information for couples to consider. the book is in paperback now...i recommend it.

I think this is an excellent book. The breakdown of the vows and exactly what they mean when you arrive at the altar naked before each other presenting your whole self to your spouse is the reality people need face before getting married. I highly recommenend for newly weds and those who want to recommit themselves to their spouse. I think those who say it is a female centered book are totally missing the mark and I think she shows equal examples of men and women. People need to look pass the gender and look at point she is trying to make because the experiences of all of those people can be applicable to any sex. Unfortunately, Oprah has helped Dr. Smith and hurt her because some people will read the book just to see what is wrong with it rather than trying to benefit from her Wisdom.

Great book for couples. It sparks a lot of dialogue and raises many issues couples often don't think about before getting more serious. It also creates a non-threatening mechanism to address topics that people sometimes feel uncomfortable raising.

"Lies at the Altar: The Truth About Great Marriages" by Dr. Robin Smith analyses how in most cases the wedding vows are usually transformed in false expectations that can drive a marriage to failure if the real unspoken needs of the couple, as individuals and as "partners for life" are addressed and communicated to each other. Learning to speak to love language of your mate will absolutely avoid power struggles and the resulting suffering that can kill a relationship.

The author clearly show how you can rewrite your vows in order to establish realistic and practical agreements that can prolong your marriage and your relationships while helping you to reconnect to your loved one. Dr Smith gives plenty of examples taken from her own marital experience and from her patients'.

As a person that recover from a failed first marriage and was able to rise again and establish a long term relationship with a wonderful person, I will refer to my own personal experience in order to also recommend another great relationship saver: "The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate" by Gary Chapman.

Both books are absolutely most read for anyone and everyone involved in a relationship.

It made me more aware of taking care of who I really am and being aware of how I also relate to others...

I am a big advocate of working things out in a relationship and this book helps with strategies...

I don't agree with everything but the questions are great and the scenarios she used were true life things that happen to stumble us.

I thought this was a great book. I enjoyed the siimplicity the author used in writing on such a complex and emotional topic. I was glad that Dr. Smith chose to disclose her own personal experience in this area as well. I think those who have gone through a divorce and have gotten over their own bitterness and anger can make a valuable contribution to this topic.

I saw Dr. Smith on the Oprah show and initially thought that this wasn't a book for me since I am divorced and have figured out all of the mistakes that were made on my part. When I came across the book at a friend's house I coudn't put it down. Then my daughter who is single, saw the book and decided to buy several copies for herself and her single friends.

I recommend the book to single men and women. I diagree that the book is bias toward women. I think there are more stories in it as told by women than men but that's probably due to the fact that women will talk about their problems more so than men.