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Lies My Mother Never Told Me: A Memoir

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"Perhaps for me, Heaven is a well-lit, shining room with a long, beautiful table piled high with delicacies." Kaylie Jones is talking about her literary heroes, Tolstoy, Nabokov, Stendhal and her father, James Jones, sitting, eating, drinking and all they discuss is books. Kaylie approaches the table, her father stands and introduces her to the group and welcomes her to the table. This is a writer's dream and Kaylie Jones belongs here. Her memoir, 'Lies My Mother Never Told Me' has the ring of a winner. It is one of those books you can't put down, the writing and the story are so compelling that I want to ask, "Kaylie, how are you and your family and your sweet daughter, Eyrna?" She has opened her wounds so wide that the honesty that emanates from the deep inside must be a healing force.

Kaylie Jones,what a lucky little girl, daughter of the famous author, James Jones and his glorious and lovely wife, Gloria. They lead a life of the rich and famous. Of course, from the outside that is exactly what you see, but when you look more closely, you discover the warts and the drinking and the emotional abuse of many years, the life of a daughter of an alcoholic. Kaylie lived her formative years in the light of the father's eyes. There were constant parties and traveling and drinking, but her father kept most of it in check. Sure, her mother would forget to pick her up from school until it was dark, but excuses were made and her father filled in the missing pieces for Kaylie and her brother, Jamie. But, then her father died, and her life as she knew it fell apart. She went to college and started writing. She had one or two jobs but her mother kept the money coming so that she could buy the booze and the drugs that she needed to keep her life together. She had several relationships and a marriage but they fell apart. Eventually, Kaylie realized one day that she was ready to stop drinking, and her real life started.

Kaylie found the love of her life, married and had a child, Eyrna. She was writing and one of her books, 'A Soldier's Daughter Never Cries' was made into a film with Kris Kristofferson. She helped to run The James Jones Literary Society. A wonderful life, but, of course, there was her mother, Gloria. The same woman who was the love of James Jones's life, and the society woman who loved to party, was an alcoholic who made Kaylie's life miserable. The words that she said to Kaylie to describe her were so terrible and insensitive that it has taken Kaylie a lifetime to learn how to deflect them and let them roll off her back. It was not easy and took much work, but with the help of her husband, her friends who were recovering alcoholics and her lovely daughter, Kaylie persevered. This is not an easy read, the words and experiences were so grating that we could feel the pain, time and time again. Somehow Kaylie found the strength and the Black Belt she and her daughter won in Tae Kwon Do after much hard work,helped to give her the resolve that she needed to keep going. A story of a struggle to overcome the family history of alcoholism and abuse and to find her own place.

I loved this book. I rarely say that about any book I have read. The writing is so exquisite that I could feel the pain and the emotion of the moment. We all know people who have problems with alcohol, and the truth of their pain and the path they are on sometimes fills us with despair. But, we learn that millions of people can overcome this addiction and the truth of Kaylie Jone's words give us strength.

Highly Recommended. prisrob 08-09-09

Speak Now

A Soldier's Daughter Never Cries

From Here to Eternity

The Thin Red Line

From the opening word of her memoir, Lies My Mother Never Told Me, to the final punctuation, Kaylie Jones puts her life in full view for all the world to read knowing full well her self-esteem, dignity, and emotional health will cannon fodder and become casualties of war. A war fought on the home front that ambushes, out flanks, and attacks her head on. The enemy is alcoholism and Gloria Jones, Kaylie's mother, is the face of that adversary. Being the daughter of a WWII veteran, Kaylie soldiers on to resurrect her life from the ashes of the battlefield.
Although Gloria Jones may be seen as an evil character from a Disney movie, Kaylie portrays her realistically, yet tactfully does not post blame. Gloria, despite her horrible comments to Kaylie throughout her life is seen for her physical beauty, grace, sense of humor, and addiction that consumes the real Gloria and those around her. The brutal honesty in which Kaylie writes is an attribute to her as a writer, person, and healer. How does a child hearing numerous times, "If I had to pick between having your father of having you, I would pick your father" and not be cut to the core? This sets the pattern of verbal abuse Kaylie endures at the hands of her mother's addiction. It would be easy for Kaylie to blame her mother, but she doesn't. Kaylie does what all children of alcoholics or children whose parents are divorcing do. She blames herself and suppresses the hurt and anger in order to keep the peace. Having had years of experience, therapy, a supporting husband, and a tough, strong-willed, and insightful daughter, Kaylie is able to filter through the rubble and never place blame, but enlighten us to the true evil mustache-twisting antagonist, alcohol.
Kaylie, herself, turned to the bottle as a way to cope with life. Her entire life she was groomed that alcohol is not evil, but the people who could not handle it are. Alcoholics are degenerates who are homeless and whose lives are in shambles. After all, her father wrote several novels while drinking heavily. That was "proof" he wasn't an alcoholic. Her mother functioned normally, had a wonderful husband and social life, and she drank heavily. Wasn't that "proof" she wasn't an alcoholic? They were alcoholics and Kaylie became one herself, but realized that despite her family's definition of an alcoholic, she faced the sobering truth and admitted it.
Despite all the horrible things Kaylie experienced at the hands of alcohol, including the loss of her father as a teenager, she propels herself upward after hitting rock bottom. What Kaylie experienced was the control that "demon-alcohol" has on a person. As she starts her path to sobriety, Kaylie is met head-on and is refuted by her mother. Kaylie breaks away, not from her mother, but the stranglehold alcohol has on her life. Just as she described, alcoholics circle the wagons to defend their need to maintain their lifestyle. That lifestyle often flourishes because the alcoholic surrounds themselves with other alcoholics or enablers. Kaylie, with her resurrected self-esteem, need for normalcy, and sheer desire to be well, breaks free again. She does so not only for herself, but for the survival of her family.
Lies My Mother Never Told Me is a self-help book brilliantly disguised as a memoir. Whether you are an adult child of alcoholic parents (ACOA), or someone who grew up with other issues, Lies My Mother Never Told Me will contain something for anyone searching for a road map to find solace in their life. Kaylie proves no matter what demons you face, there are always options to free yourself and get your life back on track.
Kaylie has changed her life round and now assists others to better their lives as a teacher, writer, and friend. She is a dedicated teacher who goes to any lengths in helping her students achieve their goals. With the publishing of Lies My Mother Never Told Me, Kaylie is able to extend her assistance beyond the classroom, right into the reader's home. Lies My Mother Never Told Me is a reflection into the past, and outline of the present, and a guide into the future. What could be better than a hand-held therapy session for your personal demons than a friendly copy of Lies My Mother Never Told Me, or thousands of dollars and countless hours of therapy with a stranger? Thank you Kaylie for helping me understand alcoholism and making sense of what I experienced as a child of alcoholic parents. You have given me insight into not only the mind of an alcoholic, but also myself, and why I reacted and did the things I couldn't understand. Lies My Mother Never Told Me can do the same for you if you read with the same openness and honesty Kaylie writes with.

This is the second time I have read this book in a month, from cover to cover... a first for me! I am left speechless at the lyrical writing which describes some of the most horrendous experiences of an Adult Child of Alcoholics, including the guilt and co-dependency and never-ending desire to be loved that every child of an alcoholic never gives up, no matter how much they are mistreated by the parent that abuses them. I have put off writing this review for as long as I could, as I am literally speechless. Some of the descriptions could have been plucked from my own childhood, and even when I was well-aware of my father's drinking (and my mother's rages) many of the rest of the family stayed, and stays, in a state of denial, including me. Seeing the devastation and dangers of a continued relationship with what sounded like a raging Borderline-Disordered actively alcoholic mother and maintaining that relationship "for the sake of the grandchild" also left me speechless... seeing that this is exactly what I did with my own child, ultimately to my own ever-lasting detriment.

The author gets her black belt in Tae-Kwon Do during the entire process of letting go of the need and desire for her mother's love and approval, which she has never had and never will have, and in very real terms shines as a guiding light for us all that never had what we so fervently believe we need... the love and approval of an alcoholic family system that is simply not wired to ever be able to give it. Alcohol truly does "poison the mind." Read this book if you want to find out.

Kaylie Jones, daughter of the award-winning author James Jones ("The Thin Red Line" and other stories) is to be commended on every level for writing her story. It must have been an excruciatingly painful one to write, but gives everyone in the same predicament (including me) the courage to go on. Thank you, Kylie, forever more. You have no idea the gift and the strength you have given us all. The world needs more stories like yours.

I had the great good fortune to discover 'Lies My Mother Never Told Me' earlier on this month. I picked up the book after a busy day of meetings and began to read, unwinding from a hectic day. Soon I was engrossed, and despite the lateness of the hour, had to read deep into the night. The next day I returned to it, setting my work aside and a day later finished it in a final sitting. I shed unseen tears in the fluorescent ignominy of a nail salon as I reached the poignant ending of the book. Ms.Jones writes with a brutal honesty and integrity which can only be the hard won prize of true introspection born of searing intensity and courage.

As a practicing physician, I have diagnosed, attended, treated and sadly even pronounced many, many alcoholics who often evoke in me a deep sense of pathos and loss. In my opinion, this book captures the other side of the conversation and is truly instructive toward healing the divide between alcoholism and hapless medical physicians who often cannot identify, empathize or begin to understand the invisible alcoholics who are all too often unacknowledged, overlooked in our offices. Instead we engage in a masquerade of treating a more socially acceptable illness, a skin infection or a dental abcess, all the while overlooking the alcoholic who is often desperate to be released through the rebirth a diagnosis could really provide.

The day after I finished the book I attended my usual afternoon office hours. The first patient who entered was a woman I had recently identified as newly relapsed into active alcoholism. She and I talked about our last meeting some weeks earlier, and, after a few minutes, I wrote down the title of this book and the name of the author, insisting my patient read this. She beamed with the sense that finally someone could relate to her. The patient was heartened: finally I was offering a medicine (of sorts) which felt inclusive, not punitive or labeling or somehow judgmental. She left to attend her AA meeting later that day and at the next visit I will ask her about her experience of the book.

At the end of office hours I met a new patient who had disclosed a life long phobia of driving. For some reason, I asked her where this fear came from, and she immediately described a terrifying childhood of being captive to her father's reckless drunken driving. She crouched down as she explained how she protected her younger brother who huddled with her on the floor behind the backseat of the wildly swerving car. I could see the terror in her eyes, forty years later. She too walked away with a 'prescription' for this book.

There is much greatness in Ms.Jones - in her humanity, her humility, her defiance and her perseverance. This she has protected deep within herself despite the burdens of a heavy mantle a scion of literary royalty must bear. Her book captures all of this. But perhaps what she is unaware of is that in writing her memoir to heal herself, she has unwittingly healed many, many others.

I recommend everyone with any relationship - personal, professional, academic, intellectual or otherwise - with alcoholism (no matter how remote the interface appears to be) run out and snatch a copy of this book. The words are nothing short of medicine for the broken soul.

I absolutely loved this book. At first, the short, shot-gun style stories kept me from getting into a groove. But later, this style seemed to so fit the subject matter and mirrored the way we truly experience our memories. Also, at first I felt as if Kaylie was name-dropping with the long lists of her parent's friends, but later these seemed to be simple, matter-of-fact reality. Because really, how can you talk about all of your parents famous friends without sounding like a braggart?

The terrifyingly painful stories of abuse revealed the reality of a "privileged" life. Too often we expect those with her background to live sheltered, pain-free lives. While she did experience the best of what life has to offer, she lived beneath a stifling pile of sorrows and crushing comments, mostly flowing from her mother's mouth. And while Kaylie never really turns her criticism toward her iconic father, his inability to defend her and shield her from the pain, furthered Kaylie's misery. The first role of every father is to protect his children, especially his daughters. Jones did not do this. I found it very revealing to pay close attention to how Kaylie related to her father rather than her mother. It was in my opinion, a more interesting story. The "Mommy Dearest" portions of her mother/daughter relationship was ground already tread by others. But at its core, this memoir is a beautifully written illustration of the reality that hurting people will always hurt people.

When broken down further, this book is the best of what memoir should be: great stories, historically relevant material, illumination into a different world (the literary scene) and some semblance of a learning experience. But I must say that the "awakening" in this work leaves much to be desired. Her healing comes primarily in the form of martial arts and a loving husband. And while I realize that this book is not a self-help book, it left me feeling that like so many others, Kaylie has found some band-aids to place over the wounds. As many people have found, activities and a loving spouse only provide diversions. Many marriages are taxed beyond their ability to withstand because one or both are expecting the marriage to be the answer, when in actuality, the answer is found elsewhere. The greatest marriages are those where both parties see each other as fellow sojourners on a search for healing and wholeness. When one or the other plays the role of Savior or Damaged One, the road is always bumpy and full of codependent pitfalls. In the end, her writing itself is probably the most effective agent in helping to heal her past. But when I finished this book, I felt as if Kaylie still had a very long journey left to finally arrive at wholeness. Some have shared on the other reviews that they felt the ending was the weakest part of the book. I agree, but on different grounds. I believe the final portion of the book is inferior not because painful stories are better than fulfilled ones, but because the fulfillment Kaylie reached was incomplete. This leaves the reader with a sense of unfinished business.

You will be hard-pressed to find a more interesting and powerful work than, "Lies My Mother Never Told Me: A Memoir." It is the type of book that deserves to be read multiple times. I would love to experience it on audiobook with a first-rate narrator.

I didn't know about the writer's existance until I read this book. The book deals with the truth of her life and her parents but above all that it has a strong message going out to readers like me. Had I never read this book, I would have become a degenerate alcholic. It is not like I don't drink anymore but I really feel saved from ever relying completely on it. This deals with all the attrocities of being an alcholic and how it effects you and others around you. This book has little to do with writers or the lives or her father but it has more to do with just how helpess the disease can make you feel. How it becomes the soul thing ones life depends on. A very important book but I wouldn't just recommend it to everyone. You'll run into the lives of many celebrities while reading. Thank you, author.

This is a fascinating true story! What was it like to be born the child of a scintillating beauty who was married to James Jones, the WWII veteran and renowned author of "From Here to Eternity," "Some Came Running," and other best sellers? Well, with mom and dad hosting a hard-drinking, tough-talking, poker-playing, late-night salon in Paris and later the Hamptons, it was often not a lot of fun for author Kaylie Jones and her brother. Shrewd, brilliant, down-to-earth dad was boozy enough but gentle underneath. Mom was too clever and too beautiful, often scathing in her comments to family and friends, and did not handle the booze well at all - a real bitch! But mom and dad partied on, faithful and inseparable, forgiving each other without question.

It all fell apart when dad died and mom lived on for almost another twenty years. Kaylie makes it through this time with little to spare. Was it just the booze? I'm not sure. Perhaps it was the failed extended familes of dad and mom.

After reading this, I immediately picked up Willie Morris' "James Jones, a Friendship." He loved all of the Jones family, mom, dad, and Kaylie.

Kaylie is a successful novelist, and the writing is vivid and unforgetful. You will shed a few tears.

Book Overview

To say Kaylie Jones grew up in an interesting household is an understatement. Her father was James Jones--the acclaimed novelist renowned for his WWII books, including From Here To Eternity and The Thin Red Line (both made into movies). Her mother Gloria was a beauty (she was Marilyn Monroe's stand-in for a movie once) and a quick-witted storyteller who was both brainy and bawdy. (Some of her mother's best stories are interspersed throughout the book and make for some very interesting and fun reading.)

During Kaylie's childhood in Paris, she and her adopted brother Jamie live a lifestyle far from their parent's humble Midwestern roots--parties that last all night, guests who include a veritable "who's who" of the literary world (family friends included William Styron, Irwin Shaw and Willie Morris), a full-time nanny, private schools, exotic vacations. Yet Kaylie's childhood was not terribly happy. Her mother's mean streak and unreliability helped make Kaylie an uncertain and tentative child. Kaylie's father was the light of her life, but he was often "missing in action" due to his writing or being a part of the constant party that was at the center of her parents' lives. The end result was a lonely childhood filled with doubt, self-esteem issues and uncertainty. And no one in the family dared to say the forbidden word: alcoholic.

When the family moved back to the United States, they settled in a literary enclave in the Hamptons. Not too long after, James Jones's health began to deteriorate (in no small part to the heavy drinking that accompanied his lifestyle), and he died when Kaylie was 16. His passing ripped a hole into Kaylie's life that was never fully mended. Although she was now struggling with her own drinking problem (yet deep in denial), Kaylie promised her father on his deathbed that she would keep her mother from drinking so much.

This promise becomes an almost unbearable burden. To keep an alcoholic from drinking is an impossible task--especially when your own drinking problems are unrecognized. The toxic relationship between Gloria and Kaylie plays out over the years as they dance to the same tune over and over again ... until Kaylie acknowledges her own drinking problems and begins to realize the true depth of her mother's alcoholism and how their relationship is built on a script that casts Gloria as the all-powerful tyrant and Kaylie as the submissive, disobedient slave.

When Kaylie begins her own path to recovery, her mother does everything in her power to thwart her. Kaylie slowly begins to understand that she does not need to take responsibility for her mother's drinking and that she does not need to accept her mother's opinions about her love affairs, lifestyle or career. And when Kaylie becomes a mother, she struggles valiantly to rebuild a relationship with her mother and provide her daughter with a grandmother--a Herculean task that is littered with conflict, anger, betrayal and sadness.

In the end, the relationship between mother and daughter deteriorates to a point where it ceases to exist in any real form. When her mother finally dies, the only thing Kaylie feels is relief.

My Thoughts

Kaylie Jones has written a clear-eyed, unflinching memoir that is absolutely stunning. She has a very direct and spare writing style that suits the material well. She presents her story with a minimum of embellishment and little drama--yet you are drawn in by the strength of her writing and her story itself. Besides the obvious draw of having a famous novelist for a father and a childhood that includes frequent brushes with literary giants, Kaylie's story is most compelling for the life-long struggle she has with coming to terms with her mother's and her own alcoholism. So many memoirs feature flawed and alcoholic mothers, but I've never read one as direct and unswerving in its focus on the ugliness that drinking can bring as this one.

Yet don't think this book is all doom and gloom. Humor permeates the book (particularly in her mother's stories that are interspersed throughout), and Kaylie does find moments of grace and humor even in her darkest hours. In other words, you're not going to be depressed after reading the book. In fact, I suspect most readers will come away from this memoir feeling inspired and uplifted. If Kaylie can find a path to peace, so can we.

Another compelling aspect of Kaylie Jones's memoir is her struggle to find her voice as a writer while standing in her father's shadow. Throughout her career, Kaylie never feels she is good enough--that she is only granted scholarships, accepted into writing programs, and published because of who her father is. This inability to believe in herself and continual self-doubt make her easy to empathize with. I imagine that anyone who follows in the footsteps of a successful parent must almost always grapples with these types of doubts and fears.

As Kaylie begins to regain her life--both by admitting she has a drinking problem and by becoming a mother--I felt her strength and confidence grow slowly but surely. One of the keys to her salvation was pursuing a black belt in tae kwon do. I was particularly drawn to this aspect of the book because I'm currently taking my son to karate classes, and I've thought of trying it myself. Hearing about Kaylie's experiences as she progresses through the various belt levels was quite inspirational to me--and it made me realize how pursuing a goal like a black belt can be a literal life-saving quest.

My Final Recommendation

There are so many reasons to read this memoir.

First, anyone interested in American writers of the mid-20th century would be fascinated by this insider's glimpse into an exclusive literary world. This memoir features stories about Norman Mailer, Kurt Vonnegut, Truman Capote, William Styron and many more. Interspersed with the appearances by these literary giants are brushes with Hollywood luminaries such as Kris Kristofferson and Frank Sinatra. In addition, this book serves as a mini-biography of James Jones--exploring his childhood, marriage and literary legacy.

Second, I think this memoir should have a place on the bookshelf of any adult child of an alcoholic (ACOA). Kaylie's struggle with her mother's alcoholism is raw, unflinching and brutal. As Kaylie herself says, so many aspects of her relationship with her mother is textbook ACOA material. If drinking plays a role in your family life, I imagine that reading this memoir would be both painful but ultimately helpful and perhaps even healing.

Third, this memoir is well-written and weaves a compelling story. What more do you really need?

This is an incredible memoir that reads more like a good fiction novel. I absolutely could not put this book down, I took it everywhere I went and read it in every spare second I had, even standing in line at the post office and grocery store.
Prior to opening this book I was not at all familiar with James Jones or his family. I had of course heard of From Here to Eternity as well as The Thin Red Line, but knew nothing of the author, his family, or their social circle. I have never read any other work by Kaylie Jones and was a bit worried that I would not be able to connect to her memoir as I had no prior knowledge or context to aid me while reading.
While the center of this work is the troubled relationship between Kaylie Jones, her mother, and the normalization of alcoholism in her family life and social circle; she does an amazing job of creating tributaries that expand out from this central theme that takes the reader on adventures into the childhood of her parents, the impact of war on veterans, and the meaning of finding and being true to oneself. There are amazing encounters and friendships with those who are famous in the literary scene, and I found these connections to the story quite enjoyable.
I believe this memoir would be enjoyable for anyone to read, but find that it would really hit home for those who have grown up with verbally abusive parenting, a jealous mother full or rage towards her daughter, or one who can relate to falling prey to your own self-destructive behavior. While I cannot personally relate to Kaylie's childhood or her own life of alcohol abuse and self-hatred, I truly enjoyed reading this book and felt like she was an old friend by the end.
Kaylie humanizes her mother Gloria and you will find yourself laughing aloud at the stories Gloria loves to tell guests as well as her public outbursts and antics. I loved, pitied, and despised Gloria at varying times in this book. Kaylie does an incredible job of bringing her characters to life and giving the reader a true understanding of the web of dependency, deceit, and desperation held within the repeated attempts to gain acceptance.
I highly recommend this memoir and plan to read some of Kaylie Jones' other work now that I have gotten to know her on such a personal level through this work.

I just finished "Lies My Mother Never Told Me" in two long stretches of reading. It's that well-told a story, full of scenes that range from hilarious to excruciating. Kaylie Jones tells the story of her mother's alcoholic disintegration interwoven with her own story of sobering up, finding love and raising her daughter. The fact that her dad was the author James Jones may have sold the book, but it doesn't keep you reading. The anecdotes about famous authors spice up the book -- but Kaylie's voice and outsized personality make the story.

I've been reading a lot of addiction memoirs in the year since I kicked out the love of my life, who drank for four years behind my back, pretended to work, wrecked us financially and harmed my children. Oh yeah, and broke my heart. I'm trying to figure out not only his actions, but mine, not seeing what was right in front of my nose. Why do we not see the insanity of people we love, like mothers and husbands? Because we need them to be our mothers and husbands, we love them and we're always willing to give them another chance.

So, having explored the genre thoroughly, I would put "Lies My Mother Never Told Me" right up there with Drinking: A Love Story by Carolyn Knapp and The Night of the Gun: A Reporter Investigates the Darkest Story of his Life--His Own by David Carr -- not pulling any punches on the author's flaws, or the pain she caused, as well as the pain she endured.