In Lieu of Flowers: A Conversation for the Living [Hardcover]

Nancy Cobb (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: April 18, 2000

With the curiosity of a child and the wisdom of an old soul, Nancy Cobb meets death in the most vital of places: in the lives of everyday people. In doing so she has found a way to infuse this darkest of subjects with light and wit. In Lieu of Flowers proves that what makes us cry can also make us laugh, what depresses us can also enlighten us. Cobb's candor and refreshing perspective make the deaths of those she has loved -- and death itself -- a subject to explore rather than avoid.


Cobb's personal experiences become a point of departure for what amounts to a longer conversation about loss. She shares moments of her own mourning and draws others into the conversation as well: among them, a bank teller who still dreams of her deceased grandmother, two small children who bury a wild bird in its final nest beneath a maple tree, and a hospice nurse who acts as an end-of-life midwife. Presented naturally, each anecdote is delivered in a true, clear voice rather than in the hushed tones that too often accompany words of consolation. In telling her stories Cobb opens us up to our own, and she encourages us to accept and honor the "divine intersections" where the living meet the dying.


Candid, powerful, and enlightening, this is an extraordinary treatment of one of the most ordinary and difficult experiences of life.

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

In this brief book--part memoir, part meditation--Cobb (How They Met) pushes us to address death "as lovingly" as we deal with birth or as analytically as we approach cooking. The author herself has seen both her parents die, yet she has found exultation within grief, in the form of "ordinary miracles" at the hospice where her mother died, such as when her mother whispered her last words, "I am so happy." Cobb suggests that "the essence of a person" perseveres in infirmity; indeed, her dying mother remained her crusty self despite her Alzheimer's. "Grief activates empathy," Cobb claims, yet she recognizes that, while it's important to listen, others' stories of losing loved ones serve as suggestions rather than prescriptions for each person's unique experience. Maintaining that "grief needs a place to go" over time, Cobb recommends taking the initiative with someone suffering a loss, doing something useful rather than giving advice. Some of Cobb's stories about her life and her friends range afield, and a few observations seem obvious, such as that some friends will fall away when illness hits. Cobb also has some New-Age tendencies ("I believe the dead linger," she declares; later, she ends a chapter with several anecdotes about well-loved birds appearing after a death). Still, this touching book for the most part avoids sentimentality and, despite its meandering, holds some worthy wisdom. (Apr.)
Copyright 2000 Reed Business Information, Inc.

From Library Journal

Cobb, a former public radio host and actress, has lost her father to suicide, her mother to Alzheimer's, and a close friend to cancer. In her quest to understand death and dying, she shares her encounters and observations with others who have dealt with the death of a loved one. A tribute to those Cobb has loved and lost, this book is not entirely successful in taking the message to a broader audience. On one hand, some carefully crafted chapters, such as the one about her mother's last days in hospice, elicit a deep-felt response--the poignant dialog and insight transcend personal tragedy to create something universally touching. Other chapters, however, offer disjointed vignettes that never seem to settle on a theme. The author aptly describes herself as having a "penchant for rambling." Overall, this is an interesting and somewhat entertaining read, but it does not break any new ground. Cynthia Pearson and Margaret L. Stubbs's Parting Company: Understanding the Loss of a Loved One (LJ 8/99) provides a much richer source of information. Recommended only for public libraries with large budgets.
---Annette Haines, Central Michigan Univ. Libs., Mount Pleasant
Copyright 2000 Reed Business Information, Inc.

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Hardcover: 154 pages
• Publisher: Pantheon (April 18, 2000)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0375403418
• ISBN-13: 978-0375403415
• Product Dimensions: 7.4 x 5.3 x 0.9 inches
• Shipping Weight: 9.6 ounces
• Average Customer Review: 4.9 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (26 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #1,980,420 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

9 of 9 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars Part of the Tribe, June 9, 2000

By 

G. Jackson (Jersey City, NJ USA) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: In Lieu of Flowers: A Conversation for the Living (Hardcover)

I found the galley for this book in my office and was struck by the title; reminiscient of words my mother used before she died.

I read the book in one sitting; sun bathing on the roof while being reminded of images I had cast away of my parents death some 12 years apart.

The chapter entitled, "Macaroni and Butterflies" hit home with such intentesity, tears and instant recognition that the visiting, playful butterfly that lingered at my fingertips like none before and none since, at the then unknown hour of may father's death, was in fact not him saying goodbye but my mother gleefully letting me know he was with her. Thank you for offering such a warm way to talk about life, loss and loved ones.

I see the book as a gift for friends facing death and loss and a potential way to have them think about how to begin acceptance and the final conversation.

10 of 11 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Soothing Words for Any Saddened Soul, May 31, 2000

By 

Loretta S. Downs (Chicago, Illinois) - See all my reviews

This review is from: In Lieu of Flowers: A Conversation for the Living (Hardcover)

The final line in Nancy Cobb's "In Lieu of Flower" is "It is a benediction, really, a reassurance that we are able to emerge from sufferring--and be changed" describes the feeling I was left with after reading this book. Cobb writes about dying as a process. Her prose is luxurious, her perspective deeply spitual, beautifully hopeful while clearly realistic. She relates her personal experiences with death and how she grew through the sadness,pain and depression and moved into a place of peace, a long and difficult journey. She encourages us to see death a piece of life, to not fear the process as we watch it or as we live it. Cobb relates stories from friends and aqcuaintances that so touched me as to even raise the hairs on my neck. Sighting a butterfly will never mean the same to me again. It becomes apparent that our cultural biases on death are great. We are asked here to view death as a piece of life that involves the living as well as the dying, to view it as a time to grow and learn rather than to run and hide. When I finished this book, I felt as though my soul had been sipping on a soothing cup of chamomile tea. Then I ordered 3 copies to give as gifts.

7 of 7 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Life, Death and Butterflies, June 13, 2000

By 

Virginia M. Bunn (Bristol, Connecticut, USA) - See all my reviews

This review is from: In Lieu of Flowers: A Conversation for the Living (Hardcover)

At last a book that deals with death with humor, compassion and understanding. The conversational style captured my attention and held it much longer than previous and more academic books I had read on the subject. Halfway through the book I copied a quote and sent it to my minister. As I continued reading I realized I would have to send the whole book to him, since I knew that he would appreciate its refreshing and enlightening style and views. He surely would find much of the material useful to him in his work. I will always be grateful I found this book, if for no other reason than because now I know that soul and butterfly are one and the same in the ancient Greek language. How wonderful it is to always have that feeling of hope, wonder and joy whenever I see a butterfly. Thank you, Ms. Cobb, for that.