Lifeskills: 8 Simple Ways to Build Stronger Relationships, Communicate More Clearly, and Imp rove Your Health [Hardcover]

Dr. Redford Williams (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: January 20, 1998

Here are the eight skills this book will help you master:

1. Identify your thoughts and feelings: how to tap into your feelings, especially the negative ones        
2. Evaluate your negative feelings, negative thoughts, and options: how to decide when to take action        
3. Communicate better: how to be a more effective listener and speaker        
4. Empathize with others to understand their behavior: how to appreciate a situation from someone else's point of view
5. Do problem-solving: how to define the problem, generate alternatives, and evaluate the outcomes
6. Practice assertion: how to get others to do what you want
7. Practice acceptance: how to back off without feeling like a failure
8. Emphasize the positive: how to build better relationships using a proven ratio of positive to negative interactions

Lifeskills shows how building better relationships is an essential part of preserving health--and offers eight clear steps anyone can use to make that happen.


From the Trade Paperback edition.

Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review

Psychiatrist Redford Williams and historian Virginia Williams turned their hostility workshop into Anger Kills, and Lifeskills is based on a program for improving relationships that they run at Duke University Medical Center. They emphasize that good relationships have physical as well as emotional benefits, lowering stress and increasing resistance to disease. Then, through scientific studies and a variety of exercises, the authors present ways to understand yourself better, communicate more clearly, and emphasize the positive in your interactions with others. There's nothing mysterious in Lifeskills; recommendations include listening attentively, reflecting on information that someone has told you, and asserting what you want in a given situation. Anyone having trouble getting along with others will find Lifeskills to be a useful guide.

From Library Journal

Virginia Williams, workshop organizer and historian, and Redford Williams, director of behavioral research at Duke University Medical Center, are following up their best-selling Anger Kills (Random, 1993) with another book designed to help people improve their lives. Citing much medical research, the Williamses show how poor relationships and bad attitudes can harm not only mental health but also physical health. Their book teaches people how to improve attitudes, communication, and relationships, all of which will improve health. Designed for the lay reader, Lifeskills is easy to read, with step-by-step instructions, good examples, and lots of excellent advice. What most separates this self-help book from scores of others are the frequent references to respected researchers in the behavioral sciences and the extensive bibliography. Highly recommended for all libraries.?Elizabeth Caulfield Felt, Holland Lib., Washington State Univ., Pullman
Copyright 1998 Reed Business Information, Inc.

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Product Details

• Hardcover: 344 pages
• Publisher: Crown; 1 edition (January 20, 1998)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 081292424X
• ISBN-13: 978-0812924244
• Product Dimensions: 9.2 x 6.1 x 1.4 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1.5 pounds
• Average Customer Review: 4.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (4 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #1,302,829 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

18 of 19 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars The skills are "simple," but very hard to implement, May 20, 2003

By A Customer

This review is from: Lifeskills: 8 Simple Ways to Build Stronger Relationships, Communicate More Clearly, and Imp rove Your Health (Paperback)

These truly are "Life" skills in two ways--they help you live your life positively/effectively and they take a lifetime to master. There are no quick cures or miracle pills in this book.

The "book description" lists the 8 skills taught in the book. Here are some more details about each skill.
1. Identify your thoughts and feelings.
Acknowledge the feelings you are having; you cannot address the negative ones unless you are honest about them. Don't deny negative feelings because you feel guilty or bad about having them (anger fear, jealousy, insecurity, etc.). Don't let anyone tell you that you shouldn't be feeling them or that they are not real. Try writing down your thoughts and feelings. Write the situation that led up to them.
2. Evaluate negative thoughts/feelings.
Observe the objective facts that led up to the negative thoughts/feelings; do not make any assumptions or interpretations. Then, ask yourself 4 questions:
Is this matter Important to me?
Are my thoughts/feelings Appropriate given the objective facts?
Is the situation Modifiable?
Given my needs and the needs of others, is taking action Worth It?
If the answer to any of the 4 questions is no, then try to accept the status quo. To quell negative thoughts that might linger, reason with yourself, distract yourself from the situation, or meditate. If all of the 4 answers are yes, decide if the problem is a situation or a person. If it is just a situation, you need to solve the problem. If it is a person, decide between assertion and acceptance (details below).
3. Communicate better.
Listen to others. Have positive body language (lean forward slightly, look at the speaker, uncross your arms). Reflect back what you hear ("What I hear you saying is..."). Avoid responses that are hostile or evasive ("that may be..." "well of course..."). Do not give advice or bring the focus back to you. Do not judge or grill. You must hear, not just listen. Be willing to be changed by what you hear.
Speak with compassion. Make "I" statements instead of drawing general conclusions or blame statements ("I don't like it" vs. "It stinks;" "I feel sad" vs. "You are mean"). Speak about specifics when possible ("You promised to clean up the room this morning but it is still a mess" vs. "You never clean up").
4. Empathize with and understand other's behavior.
Learn what the other person is thinking and feeling. Be aware of how that person perceives himself or herself. Try to appreciate where the other person is coming from.
5. Solve problems (when it's a situation rather than a person, that's the source of distress).
Define the problem. Generate alternatives. Make a decision. Implement the decision. Evaluate the outcome.
6. Practice assertion.
Ask for what you want and need. Spell out the situation that is leading up to your request (perhaps including how it makes you feel), and then be specific in your request. If this repeatedly fails to be effective you may need to add consequences. Learn to say no (restate the request, empathize with the requester, perhaps share a statement of what you're feeling, and explicitly say no).
7. Practice acceptance.
Make an active decision not to act.
8. Emphasize the positive.
Your goal should be 5 times as many positive interchanges as negative (both with others and yourself). This is a stronger correlation with happiness than income, attractiveness, or good health.

All of these skills are very practical to your everyday life. They are simple, but very difficult to apply, especially when you are angry or upset about something. The authors acknowledge this difficulty throughout the book. They provide many examples of people struggling to apply these skills to their lives.

I have read inspirational books (e.g. Tuesdays with Morrie) and listed to motivational tapes (Dennis Waitley and Earl Nightingale). These usually make me "feel good," but provide very little advice that is practical in the "messy reality" of everyday life.

"Lifeskills" delivers what it promises.

7 of 9 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars An excellent guide to improving health and relationships, August 30, 1999

By A Customer

This review is from: Lifeskills: 8 Simple Ways to Build Stronger Relationships, Communicate More Clearly, and Imp rove Your Health (Paperback)

"Lifeskills" focuses on what is important to us all: successful relationships and a healthy approach to getting along with others. This is not just another "how to" book but one that combines scientific research with common-sense readability. This insightful book gives helpful suggestions for improving and enhancing your approach and attitudes at home, at work, and in all of your encounters . Specific exercises are listed after each chapter to help the reader act on the ideas just presented. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED!!!

7 of 9 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars This book really makes a difference!, August 1, 1999

By A Customer

This review is from: Lifeskills: 8 Simple Ways to Build Stronger Relationships, Communicate More Clearly, and Imp rove Your Health (Paperback)

Lifeskills makes a difference for all kinds of relationships with family, friends, and coworkers. The book helps you recognize strengths and problem areas that currently affect your relationships and then walks you through 8 steps for improving relationships and communication. Lifeskills also provides scientific evidence for how following these steps can make you healthier. The book is well written and easy and enjoyable to read.