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The Listener: A Psychoanalyst Examines His Life

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Allen Wheelis who has written a series of extraordinary novels and professional psychiatric books, offers a moving, beautiful, and powerfully evocative memoir. Psychoanalysts, he says, know too much to hide behind self-decption and this astonishing book reveals the shape of a life seen straight, seen without distorting lenses.

I am editor of the professional journal "Psychotherapy In Australia" and also a therapist. So I've read many many books on, by, and for therapy and therapists. Allen Wheelis' "The Listener" is utterly distinctive and forced me to confront myself about just how honest I have been with myself in my own life. It is also beautifully written. I've read this book three times now, ans gained more each time, and I've set off on a quest to read all his other books. Irvin Yalom has reviewed this book by asking if a more honest autobiography has ever been written. I have no fear in answering "No".

This remarkable memoir will become a classic for its sparse yet elegant portrayal of a man's life told with ruthless honesty, crystalline clarity, and moving effect. The reader is pulled into the unfolding story of a life often painful yet ever struggling toward mastery. The subtitle reference to psychoanalysis ought not be off-putting. This is a memoir informed by the knowledge that has come from intimate exposure to other people's lives as well as the author's own, but devoid of jargon or cant. Engaging and masterful, an outstanding read.

They say bitter truth is the hardest to swallow, but what comes out of this beautifully written memoir is that real life, particularly as it involves the search for love relationships, can only grow out of a realistic appraisal of the possibilities. Dr. Wheelis has listened to patients for decades and spares no one (least of all himself) in this softly rendered demand for acceptance of The Way Things Are. This book, and, the listener himself, visits your very soul--and leaves it a better place.

It can be embarassing sometimes for a reader to hear about sexual desire-- particularly when it reveals so well that forbidden place men seem to know. Somehow, Wheelis avoids going overboard. At one point, he admits to the reader that if we like him, he has failed to truly reveal himself. Perhaps the reason I like him is that I am thankful. Usually male sexual desire is loaded-- we (as men) are either taught to embrace it (machismo) or chastise it. In this case I it was simply felt and explained.

Throughout the whole book I felt nothing but pain for this poor little boy; abused by his father, who grew into the adult victim of his elderly mother---a mother whose repressed sexual desires (due to her husbands illness) were directed toward her son. I cried for Allen the boy and Allen the man.

I've read many, many self-help books in my pursuit to resolve issues such as controlling food intake, poor social skills, negative self-image, and just simply how to manage what happens externally, so that I'm internally balanced. Then I read Wheelis's "How People Change". POW. What a great impact on me. And in that small book, I got a good glimpse into his life. I absolutely had to know more about him. But while reading Listener, I had to keep reminding myself that is not a self-help book. What I was thinking while reading, was how interesting it was to hear about his emotional challenges, the whole range of dilemma's he lived through. This book supplies a lot of very valuable lessons on how *not* to live life, in contrast to his People Change book. 1.) I will make absolutely sure I am emotionally available to my wife when I do find her and get married. LIke Wheelis, I've been over-analytical, but moreso than Wheelis, been very lonely,( full of meaningless short relationships where sex was pretty much it) 2.) Concerning his agony over not being able to sow his wild oates, not getting enough sex as a young man, this is something I used to dwell on. My attitude, as a Christian I've recently become, is, everytime I feel that heart-in-the-pit-of-my-stomach feeling when I see a beautiful woman with wonder what I'm missing out or how I'm suffering, this life as a human being is short and I'm running out of time to give as much as possible, not lust as much as possible. The lust you experience with one spouse is enough! No other sex is necessary. I wish that Wheelis could have replaced his thoughts of deprivation, during his life, with these sort of thoughts. I am not saying to be a Christian or even religious, but take *some* kind of spirtual approach and realize that a part of you never dies and just because you didn't experience as much sex as you wanted, doesn't mean you've officially blown a "chance". You are eternal, and there are joys ahead after this little margin of human existence, I'm convinced (yeah i guess I *am* asking you to a little religious), that make human lust very minor in comparison. I really felt for him and the pain he described. In an especially sexually-explicit segment of about two pages, he speaks for all men, in terms of our unfortunate hard-wiredness to want sex so bad and under any condition that we want. More than anything, this book will drive you right back to his How People Change book to re-read it and absorb it. ( If your inspirational book of choice is something else, then go re-read that again. I recommend the road less traveled)