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A Little Bit Kinky: A Couples' Guide to Rediscovering the Thrill of Sex Paperback – January 12, 2010

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Editorial Reviews

About the Author

DR. NATASHA JANINA VALDEZ is a successful sex therapist, clinical sexologist, and former radio host who has counseled thousands of couples over the years through her own radio show and appeared on other programs like The Howard Stern Show. She has written for many national publications and has sold more than 100,000 copies of her instructional sex DVDs.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

Chapter 1

Romance Is the Rocket Fuel of Sensational Sex

Who hasn’t complained that since they got married, they just don’t ever do it? Or if they do, that it just isn’t that much fun anymore? And how many of us swore this would never happen to us when we were dating?

Sadly, most married people don’t have enough quality sex. Sooner or later, all long-term couples can fall into a sex rut, especially when you have kids. Parenthood takes a toll physically, mentally, and emotionally. With all the running around and huge expenses adding up, it’s easy to see how sex can slip off the list of priorities for both partners. Sex doesn’t have to be first on that list for a healthy relationship, but it needs to be pretty high up there.

So let’s start at the beginning.

One of the most important ingredients of fun, kinky sex doesn’t really have that much to do with sex at all. The first step is to fall back in love, and lust will soon follow. You’ll see that if you lay the groundwork correctly, things will start clicking into place. In this short chapter, we’ll get reacquainted with the simple art of romance— of showing your partner they are more to you than the one who brings home the paycheck or drops the kids off at school. That they are a person you are still attracted to and want to be closer to.

You may be shocked that something as simple as paying more attention to each other will lead to better sex, and the same goes for doing the dishes when it isn’t your night, or complimenting your partner on something they have done well, instead of using all your together time criticizing each other for the things you aren’t doing. All of this will rev up the passion between the sheets.

A little romance goes a long way, and it all starts by reminding your partner why you got together with them in the first place. It’s possible to help your partner feel like a vibrant, sexual being again and get the satisfaction you crave—without pressuring them into having sex with you. It’s all about getting back into the right frame of mind, of helping your partner see themselves as a sexual being again— not just as a parent, employee, roommate, or any of the many roles we play that take our minds far away from sex.

Getting started is easier than you think. It’s all about making thoughtful gestures to help you get back in the frame of mind that your relationship is about so much more than keeping your household solvent and your children safe.

Let Me List the Ways . . .

A lot of men say their wives or girlfriends complain that they don’t get enough romance, but a man’s idea of romance can be quite different from a woman’s. That’s why communication is so very important. When you are direct and tell your partner precisely what you want, when your partner is direct with you and tells you exactly what he or she wants, it cuts out so much wasted time in guesswork and gives you so much more time to actually do what makes the other person happy.

Sometimes it’s not easy to ask for things out loud—and you don’t have to. Instead, write down on paper what you consider to be a romantic date, and leave nothing to the imagination. Include everything you find romantic, from having the door held open for you to dining in a particular restaurant. Be very detailed from the beginning of the date to the end. Then hand your partner the note and tell him or her that you’re craving a little more of this. So many people make the mistake of thinking: “Oh, but if he loves me, he should just know what I want.” But the only way to ever be sure is to tell him.

The “We” Spot

Everyone knows about the G-spot, and no self-respecting sex book should be without mention of it (we’ll get to it a bit later). But the only way to get the most satisfaction from the G-spot, and all of the other pleasure centers, is to go through the “We-spot” first.

The We-spot can be a state of mind. We talked about connection earlier— and that’s what it’s all about. Feel emotionally connected to each other and you’ll want to physically connect to each other. Over and over again.

Just for Him . . .

There are thousands of ways to show your partner how much you think about her and how much she means to you. Here’s one guaranteed to make her feel special—and give her a good laugh: Take a Sharpie and write “I love you, [her name]” across the front of your boxers. Of course, you can get much more graphic than that if you choose to. Whatever you do, just keep the message loving and sexy.

The We-spot can also be a place. Remember when you were in high school and you would need to sneak around to find a secluded spot to mess around, as home was just not an option? Even the thought of that spot way back when was enough to get your fires burning. It was secret, it was sexy, and it was all yours.

So who says you can’t have that again? Why not pick a super-romantic make-out place—a lookout point, a baseball field, a beach, a park— anywhere you can take some time out together and talk, watch the sunset, or even make out a little. You can use this spot to celebrate the good times and work through the bad. The important thing is that it’s private, that no one else knows where it is, and that it’s all yours.

The Look of Love

How much time do you spend looking at your partner these days—I mean really looking at him or her? When you were first in love, you probably couldn’t tear your eyes away—perhaps even ogling pictures of your significant other when he or she wasn’t by your side. But what about lately?

Staring is an effective, and not to mention hilarious, way to connect with your partner. It forces you to focus your attention on the one all-important place—your partner’s face. When I stare at my partner’s face I focus on features I already love, notice things I may not have seen before, and develop a deep appreciation for his dimples, his extraordinary eyes. And when I do, I feel closer to him. It’s a bonding thing. It’s also jarring, in a very pleasant way, for the other person, who’s not used to all the attention.

And you can even take it to the next level and make a game of it. Why not have a stare-off contest? Whoever wins gets a kiss, and the game gets hotter as it progresses. It’s a silly game that can bring you hours of laughter, not to mention lots of sex if you’re good at it. So be sure not to stop at one round. The more you play, the more you’ll be collecting—or giving, which is just as good.

Towel, Please

In romance, it’s the little things that mean everything, and the most ordinary situations sometimes provide the best opportunities for showing just how much you care. Here’s one that fits that bill nicely. The next time your partner takes a shower, plan to be waiting just outside the door for him or her to emerge with a fresh, warm towel you pulled straight from the dryer. And don’t just hand it off and leave: Dry them off. Tell your partner with each inch you rub dry how much you love that part—and why. By doing so, you let your partner know that not only are you paying attention to all of him, and that you love and cherish every wonderful inch of him, but that you love to pamper him because he is that special to you.

Lighten the Load

Who doesn’t want their life to be a little easier? Is there anything you can do to lighten your partner’s load and give her a little more time to herself? Maybe it’s something that will help her be more organized, like cleaning out her closet or tidying her drawers. Maybe it’s more involved than that. If it usually falls to your partner to clean out the litter box, you do it this time. If you see a laundry basket with clean clothes that your partner hasn’t gotten around to folding, get in there and fold. Take his car to the car wash or make the kids breakfast. Doing chores that aren’t typically yours not only helps out your partner, but also makes your life more interesting when you aren’t doing all the same things. And who knows, your generosity of time and spirit could lead your partner to want to do some of your menial tasks . . . or even return the favor with one of a sexual nature.

Work It Off—Work It Up

Exercise helps keep you in shape, but it also has lots of other plusses. Not only does it get your blood pumping, it releases those endorphins that feel oh-so-good. As you work out, you increase your energy level while you improve your blood flow to your genitals, which translates to a higher libido, higher levels of sex hormones, and greater sexual endurance due to an increase in muscle mass. Be active with your man in the following ways at least three times a week for forty to sixty minutes at a time, and you’ll not only look good, you’ll feel more sexy:

• running

• skiing

• biking

• swimming

• fast walking

• yoga

• jumping rope

• and, the best exercise of all—SEX.

Better body, better outlook, better sex. . . . What are you waiting for?

Breakfast Nook(y)

With all the rushing around you do every day, can you even remember the last time you sat down to breakfast with your partner? Now how about the last time it was just the two of you? It seems so basic—to just wake up a half hour earlier to enjoy some quiet alone time—and yet we still choose to hit the snooze button. But it’s time to make time, even for just one morning a week. And maybe only one of you gets out of bed to get breakfast ready and treats the other to a few extra minutes of sleep. If it’s your day, think of clever ways to add romance to the meal. For example, if you make him oatmeal, arrange raisins into letters on top that say “I love you,” “You are special,” or some sweet message that will make your partner feel appreciated. Or, if you’re feeling frisky, add a dose of kink and spell out “Goddess,” “Tie me up,” or “I am your slave.”

In the Park

When the weather is just right, suggest a picnic. Pack a lunch that you can feed to him with your fingers and take a nice bottle of wine, and be sure to bring along some comfy pillows and a couple of blankets. Lay out the first blanket and put out your spread. Savor feeding each other and sipping the wine and just relax. Place the second blanket over your laps—and let the kink begin. Now stroke each other under the second blanket just enough to get each other going—and without getting caught.

Walkie, Talkie

Walking is a great way to get exercise. It’s also a fantastic opportunity to connect with your partner by giving you time to talk to each other as you burn off calories. If you don’t have kids, or if you have a sitter, take advantage of the half hour after dinner when normally you’d sit on the couch and let your meal collect in fat pockets all over your body. Get up, get moving, and take a thirty- minute stroll instead. And not with your separate iPods. For the first ten minutes, or “the warm-up,” go ahead and share gripes from the day. And by that I mean share. Don’t take the whole time to complain about your life. Accept that you have your issues to contend with, but that your partner does as well. So listen when it’s not your turn to speak.

For the next ten minutes, see if you can offer your partner solutions— any advice that shows you’ve been listening and want to help. And ask your partner for a solution to your problems. Show them you need them and that their opinion matters. For the last ten minutes, don’t talk about anything that bugs you at all. Focus on something that makes you both happy that you’re both looking forward to—like planning a vacation or where you might go on your next date night. Or just enjoy the silence and each other’s company. Walk with your arms entwined. Or hold hands and reflect on how much you love your partner and how connected you feel to him or her at this very moment. And when you get home, why not top off the trip with a long, passionate, wet kiss?

Gift of Love

You don’t have to wait for a birthday or anniversary to buy your lover a present. Even if money is tight right now, there’s always something that will make him feel appreciated and that you can afford. Be sure to wrap it up nice and attach a note that says something like, “I love you so much and in this box is something you want. But you cannot open it until after we make love.” It’s an inventive way to come on to your partner, especially if it’s been awhile.

Gifts for her could be a love poem or letter, a spa or salon gift certificate, jewelry, a housekeeper, even a coupon book of sexual favors. For him, also a coupon book of sexual favors, as well as a mug for his beer, a special remote control. If you think hard enough about it, you know what your partner likes. But you don’t need to guess what these gifts will be. Make this activity easier by each of you making a list of things you’d love to receive and exchanging those lists.
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Product Details

  • Paperback: 208 pages
  • Publisher: Harmony; 1 edition (January 12, 2010)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0767932447
  • ISBN-13: 978-0767932448
  • Product Dimensions: 6.1 x 0.4 x 8 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 7.2 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.3 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (9 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #668,908 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

24 of 27 people found the following review helpful By G. Moon on January 15, 2010
Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
I love how "A Little Bit Kinky" is broken down into four sections: Slightly Kinky, A Little More Kinky, Kinkier & Kinkier, and Kinkiest...this book appeals to all levels of kinky...from plain vanilla to full on dark chocolate levels of kinky. I appreciate how it is not written in a full on technical manner...but it is also not written in a down & diry, gutter mouth manner either. It is very clear/concise and written with both men and women in mind. I didn't find it slanted in only representing one sex...it truly is a wonderful manual for couples.
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14 of 15 people found the following review helpful By Alice in Wonderland VINE VOICE on May 19, 2010
Format: Paperback
Do you want to put a little sparkle back into your love life, but don't know where to start? Well, this book is absolutely filled with advice for you!

The book quite rightly begins at the beginning, with romance and getting your relationship humming. After that the book moves from chapter to chapter, with each one getting a little bit hotter than the last. Read the book, and decide which kink appeals to you, and just how far you are willing to go. No doubt some will seem outrageous to you, so do NOT start at the back of the book. Just use the book as a selection of suggestions, ones that you can take or ignore, as the spirit moves you.

As for me, I thought that this book has a lot of really excellent advice in it. Come on, let your hair down, let your guard down, read this book and do something a little bit wild! You won't regret it.

(Review of A Little Bit Kinky by DR. Natasha Valdez)
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4 of 5 people found the following review helpful By no way on March 17, 2011
Format: Paperback
a nice product, very simple writing and a ship load of ideas. and depending on your background you'll maybe start blushing or yawning!any way, if it got a little sleepy in your relationship for the first time and you haven't tried any other books like that .... GO FOR IT,
You are in the second or third phase of your relationship and it is getting sleepy again, try some else or someone else
maybe that book here. :-)How to Be a Great Lover: Girlfriend-to-Girlfriend Totally Explicit Techniques that Will Blow His Mind
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful By Carol Drury on September 21, 2013
Format: Kindle Edition Verified Purchase
Ok - I guess I have t fess up that I am a Sex Therapy so "kinky" and "sex" just don't go together for me - however, I think this book is great for the those who are stuck in the Missionary Position Mode of Sex and also for those who may have moved on to "Doggie Style" sex - but for couples who have explored their sexuality much beyond that, I'm not certain this book has much new to offer them. However, it makes a nice addition to my library as I do have MANY clients who do meet those criteria I mention above - Perhaps the authors will write a Second Edition and take it to a higher level and offer "Kinky" for those who may already be considered kinky by the general public - they too are always looking for fresh ideas to keep things new! If not, then let me know, and maybe I will - Dr. Carol Drury - The Queen of Hearts
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0 of 1 people found the following review helpful By Rfuger on August 12, 2014
Format: Kindle Edition Verified Purchase
This dabbles in everything, with good talking points to have with your significant other. A must have if you want more in your sex life.
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