This Little Piggy Went to the Liquor Store [Kindle Edition]

A.K. Turner (Author)

Book Description

"Empty bladder before reading." -Laurie Notaro, New York Times bestselling author of We Thought You Would Be Prettier.

PUBLISHERS WEEKLY: "This sincere, laugh-out-loud confessional from Turner candidly reveals and revels in the flaws and dysfunctions of the author and her family. The "controlling, compulsively cleaning, wine guzzling" narrator with "neurotic tendencies" explains that anyone who enters a potentially lifelong romantic relationship has made a terrible mistake "akin to jumping onto subway tracks to retrieve a fallen pen." That doesn't apply to her, however, when she meets Mike and realizes that she had "gleefully jumped onto the subway tracks, because I wanted that pen." The two agree to skip children, but eventually have two loving daughters who fill their lives with even more hilarious moments. From family problems, breastfeeding, her experiments with pot in Mexico, and lessons learned in Russia while "major[ing] in vodka," Turner is not afraid to voice her private thoughts and never takes herself too seriously. She details her pregnancy and child-rearing techniques in a refreshingly honest way, claiming that she should have been awarded a medal for managing to be kind at any point during her pregnancy. The book is light-hearted and riddled with comedic episodes that young mothers in particular will relate to and enjoy. Although the narrative is occasionally scattered as it jumps between stories, it remains a quick and thoroughly entertaining read."

This Little Piggy Went to the Liquor Store chronicles what happens when a little girl who scorns the idea of marriage and children (in favor of becoming a stiletto-wearing, attache-carrying Secret Agent), majors in Russian, minors in Vodka, and then one day finds herself with child… and in-laws.

"Reading This Little Piggy Went to the Liquor Store is like going to your neighbor's house for a play date and discovering that she's just as clueless and crazy as you are." -Stacy Dymalski, Confessions of a Band Geek Mom

"A.K. Turner's witty essays explore the raw realities of raising children so they won't become serial killers, showing that it's okay to put the little darlings to bed and then guzzle a bottle of hooch. This is the perfect cross between Nora Ephron, David Sedaris and Chelsea Handler." -Elaine Ambrose, Menopause Sucks

From The Quivering Pen: This Little Piggy Went to the Liquor Store by A. K. Turner (Fever Streak Press): Did Erma Bombeck ever guzzle vodka? If she did, she might have come close to the ribald domestic humor in Turner's "momoir" This Little Piggy Went to the Liquor Store. The subtitle of the book is "Unapologetic Admissions from a Non-Contender for Mother of the Year" and Turner pulls few punches in her self-deprecating descriptions of life as an "unexpected parent." Scan the chapter titles and you'll get an idea of what's waiting for you inside: "Do as I Say, Not as I Do" and "I'm Not Having Twins, Bitch," for example. Here are the Opening Lines:
The family portrait of my youth resembles The Brady Bunch mixed with suppressed anger and mental instability, topped off with a healthy dollop of alcoholism. It was the usual amount of familial dysfunction, the type that involves your parents divorcing at the same time that a couple down the street divorces. A swapping of spouses takes place, and then people get married again. I hate the word "swapping;" it makes the entire situation sound much more sordid than it probably was. Sordid or not, the end result left me with step-siblings twice over, as my mother married their father, which was a limited engagement, and my father married their mother, which continues to this day. It helps to have a flow chart to keep it all straight.

Editorial Reviews

About the Author

A.K. Turner regularly enjoys four of the seven deadly sins. She lives with her husband and two daughters in Boise, Idaho. Learn more at AKTurner.com.

Product Details

• File Size: 617 KB
• Print Length: 202 pages
• Page Numbers Source ISBN: 0985583908
• Publisher: Fever Streak Press; First Edition edition (August 2, 2012)
• Sold by: Amazon Digital Services, Inc.
• Language: English
• ASIN: B008FIBV20
• Text-to-Speech: Enabled
• X-Ray: Enabled
• Lending: Enabled
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #69 Free in Kindle Store (See Top 100 Free in Kindle Store)
  • #1 in Kindle Store > Kindle eBooks > Humor & Entertainment > Humor > Essays

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

29 of 31 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars ABSOLUELY, IRREVENTLY, HILLARIOUSLY DELIGHTFUL READ! July 5, 2012

By Lisa D. Shultz

Format:Kindle Edition

Little more need be said. Turner is brilliantly comical in the a vein of Sedaris and Burroughs. Making light of heavy topics, and elevating family dynamics and dysfunction to a high-art! Highly recommended...it will make you feel so normal.

19 of 21 people found the following review helpful

1.0 out of 5 stars Waste of Time February 10, 2013

By Carolyn V.

Format:Kindle Edition|Amazon Verified Purchase

Please don't waste your time on this book. I got the book on the many 4 & 5 star reviews that said how good it was and that it was funny. It was neither to me. You feel no connection with the main character at all. At 50% I considered quitting the book - but decided to continue, giving her a little more of a chance, thinking it had to improve. Now I'm at 80% and I'm done - I can't go any further into this book.

The author seemed to try to make it funny, but it doesn't work for me. The book is just little quips of this woman telling stories of what she is thinking or little things she did - mostly revolving around drinking. The way the book is written, it's like watching a really bad reality TV show.

23 of 27 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars So entertaining July 6, 2012

By cheecholina

Format:Kindle Edition|Amazon Verified Purchase

Full disclosure, I know the author and witnessed some of the early anecdotes. But the truly entertaining parts are AK/Amanda/Mandy's thoughts on adulthood, marriage, and parenthood. She's a little scattered, but so real. I think that if you read it, you will be jealous that I got to spend some time one on one with her in high school and wish you could now.

More About the Author

AK Turner grew up in Maryland, studied Vodka in Russia, and now lives in Idaho with her husband and two daughters. She is a former humor columnist and creator of "The Writers' Block" on Radio Boise. Her books include THIS LITTLE PIGGY WENT TO THE LIQUOR STORE, DRINKING WITH DEAD WOMEN WRITERS, and DRINKING WITH DEAD DRUNKS. She is currently at work on MOMMY HAD A LITTLE FLASK. More information is available at AKTurner.com.