Customer Reviews

Living With ADD When You're Not the One Who Has It: A Workbook For Partners

5 star:		(8)
4 star:		(1)
3 star:		(0)
2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(2)

 

 

I found this book too introductory and lacking in useful content. If you have not read very much about ADHD, it might be an eye-opening read and you might find comfort in the "Wow, my partner does exactly that!" moments reading about the author's experiences. But for more in-depth and much more detailed content, I would recommend A. D. D. and Romance: : Finding Fulfillment in Love, Sex, & Relationships. It had more solid information based on clinical experiences with many patients rather than just an anecdotal description from one person's perspective.

Reading this sweet little book felt like talking to a friend. The fact is, I'm the one who has to do and remember everything at home and I work full time. I can't depend on my husband for anything. This book made me feel like I'm not alone. It gave me great tips about how to tell my husband what is bothering me and reminded me that I matter too.

The author of this book is quite honest about the fact that ADD can lead to frustration, despair and even divorce. What this book does is help those who do NOT have ADD learn to have both a pro-active stand as well as a more empathetic or understanding view of ADD. There are many pages of worksheets where the reader is encouraged to simply write or respond to the text.
For those looking for lots of info about ADD, this book may not provide that. It does contain suggestions for further reading. I found the affirmations section to be most helpful, as well as the emphasis on accepting that ADD is an actual biochemical disorder, not an act of rebellion or will.
Of course, anger, tantrums and other negative behavior can result due to the frustrations of ADD but that author has ideas on how to cope with those. I found this book to be somewhat helpful - a quick read, with some good insights but not among the very best I've read.

At first my husband didn't want to read this book because he thought I was going overboard with buying books about my ADD. Then he saw the picture on the front cover and he said "Nevermind, I'll read it." This book has helped him understand what is going on my mind and why I do the things I do and that it's not something I can just snap my fingers and change. I would recommend this book, especially to other women with ADD who have a messy home for their husbands to read.

This is an easy to read book with real life situations that anyone who is in a relationship with an ADD partner can relate to. It makes you stop and think of yourself for once, which is not easy when your life is in chaos. I now know that I need to think of myself first and that my thoughts and opinions are justified, and I have every right to voice them to my partner.

This book only skimmed the surface concerning the issues of living with a person who has ADD. The attitude that once your partner has been proclaimed ADD by a doctor it makes things easier because there is now an excuse is wrong. I was looking for some tips and excercises to help with the day to day frustrations. It is certainly not in this book.

This book has changed my marriage in ways that I could never have anticipated...

I didn't know what ADD was, honestly. All I knew was that I had married a beautiful, loving, intelligent woman... who somehow managed to create nearly as much stress for me as some jobs I've had. I didn't understand what was going on; I only knew that I couldn't keep going like this.

But understanding is half the battle. This book helped give me the knowledge and clarity that I needed to begin the road toward lovingly co-existing with someone whose mind functions differently than mine. We're learning not only to co-exist with each other, but to truly thrive as a couple.

I heartily recommend this book to anyone who is as bewildered as I was by those around me who, unfortunately, suffer from this all-too-commonplace quirk that is ADD.

This author admits to having had a tumultuous, chaotic and unhappy marriage for many years and only upon her husband's death and the discovery that her child is ADHD does she come to understand that her husband also was ADD. She then proceeds to acknowledge the difficulties of living with her interesting and intelligent and exciting spouse (ADD spouses are not by definition interesting, intelligent or fun to be with). She carries a lot of guilt for what she should have, could have and would have done differently.

What seems apparent is that living with an ADHD spouse is not much different than living with a child with ADHD. The author writes about the importance of not being co-dependent but the behaviors she suggests are the essence of co-dependency, i.e., how one talks to the ADHD spouse "may" make things a little better. She only lived her marriage improvement experiment retroactively and "in her mind" -- this isn't even anecdotal -- it's not based on any reality at all.

Those living with adults with ADHD desperately need support and solid information. They need to know that ADHD is a brain defect and not a set of personality quirks. If one hopes to have a reasonably good chance for a happy and productive marriage -- choosing a person with ADHD is not rational. A good marriage base is partnership. One must "attend" very well to partner well.

There is little difference in the chaos produced by those with ADHD than that produced by alcoholics -- which has a strong genetic component. (ADD is 75% inherited).

Please, will someone write the book that tells the truth about the chaotic lives visited on the spouses and partners of those with ADHD. In this way would be partners will be well-advised so they can choose who they live with based on facts, not unsubstantiated "hopes". Then they will be empowered to make healthier choices in partners and maybe most importantly in those who will be the genetic parents of their chlldren.

This book really helped me. The person who wrote it really understands what it's like to be married to someone with ADHD. It's very easy to read and offers lots of good advice. I highly recommend it to people with ADHD husbands and wives.

I credit Mimi Handlin for tackling this seldom recognized subject. For years, even clinicians who should have known better not only ignored the impact of an adult's untreated ADHD on the partner, they also put a bigger burden on the partner to be more understanding, accommodating, and compensating. When clearly, they had understood, accommodated, and compensated themselves into utter mental and physical exhaustion.

We have dozens of books detailing the impact of unrecognized ADHD on adults who are late to the diagnosis. Much sensitivity and care goes in their direction, as it should. It makes no sense and it is utterly discompassionate then, not to also acknowledge the people who have been struggling on the path with them: their partners.

The challenges of living with a partner who has untreated ADHD cannot be minimized, nor can the need for self-care be overstated. Validation of perceptions is critical for anyone in this situation trying to stop the chaos and confusion and hurt. That's why this book is so helpful as a first step and a solid reminder that the partners of adults with ADHD deserve some attention, too.

It's hard sometimes, though, to practice good self-care when your partner with ADHD's symptoms keep winding up the roller coaster of your life, simultaneously racheting up the need for self-care and decreasing the time you have for it--because the messes just never end and you're the one always on mop-up patrol. It's a real vicious circle.

The good news: Effective treatment strategies exist, and they work best when couples work together to implement them. But before you start exploring those strategies, you usually have to come out of your own denial as to how a partner's untreated ADHD is truly affecting you. And this book will help you to focus on your needs and dreams.

If you fell in love with your partner, chances are there were some good things to fall in love with! But over time, ADHD symptoms can obscure those things, leaving in its wake many hurt feelings, resentments, and crazy-making frustration on both sides.

Sometimes, when both parties in the couple learn about ADHD, that is enough to break through the chaos and achieve some stability and happiness. Sometimes, though, medication and/or therapy specifically focused on ADHD is the only thing that will stop the roller coaster. It's different for each individual and each couple. (In fact, for some, the wisest thing is to exit that ride and run directly out of that amusement park.)