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Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man: Coping with Hidden Aggression - From the Bedroom to the Boardroom Paperback – October 1, 1993

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Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man:  Coping with Hidden Aggression - From the Bedroom to the Boardroom + Overcoming Passive-Aggression: How to Stop Hidden Anger from Spoiling Your Relationships, Career and Happiness + The Emotionally Unavailable Man: A Blueprint for Healing
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Product Details

  • Paperback: 208 pages
  • Publisher: Touchstone; Reprint edition (October 1, 1993)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0671870742
  • ISBN-13: 978-0671870744
  • Product Dimensions: 5.5 x 0.6 x 8.4 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 6.4 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.2 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (165 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #38,257 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Passive-aggressive men are angry, but out of fear they display their aggressive impulses in passive ways, states New York City psychologist Wetzler. He explores the various ways men become passive-aggressive and advises women on how to deal with husbands, lovers, bosses, colleagues and employees who display these traits. From his own practice Wetzler draws numerous examples of how these men "drive women crazy," from "forgetting" an important meeting to sulking to delivering a barbed compliment. He also explains how women may unconsciously encourage passive-aggressive behavior, and offers tips on ways for them to break the vicious cycle. He even provides a short section on the "passive-aggressive organization." While this book is a trove of helpful and practical advice, many of Wetzler's examples of "passive-aggressive" behavior actually seem fairly benign.
Copyright 1992 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

About the Author

Scott Wetzler, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist in private practice in New York and associate professor of psychiatry at Albert Einstein College of Medicine, Montefiore Medical Center. He lives in New York City.

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Customer Reviews

This book helped me to clarify and understand this type of human behavior.
Waleska Rivera
If you feel like you are going "Nowhere" and the people closest to you make you feel as if you can't do something, you NEED to read this book.
This book is so helpful in explaining what the passive aggressive man is thinking and doing and why.

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

547 of 560 people found the following review helpful By RFN on February 7, 2005
Format: Paperback
"Living With a Passive Agressive Man" states that dealing with a passive-aggressive person as a spouse can drive even the most even tempered, rational, and reasonable person to huge levels of uncontrolled anger. P-As are masters at deliberately goading people. Within my marriage, I was unable to obtain the desired level of intimacy due to my partner's resistance. My needs weren't met and yet I continued to try to find a way to meet my partner's needs despite years of frustration and a lack of progress. My ex-husband controlled the dynamics of our marriage with his passive-aggressive behavior. Directly asking for what I wanted was a guarantee it would never happen. A lot was demanded of me but very little was willingly given back--not because he couldn't, I realized at the very end, but because he wouldn't. I'm generally not easily angered, but his behavior could drive me to uncontrolled rage--and then he'd calmly inform me I should seek counseling. Any conversation I tried to initiate about improving our relationship quickly turned to a list of his complaints about what was wrong with me. Finally I gave up any hope of improvement due to his extreme resistence. This book made me realize that I had a very typical relationship with a very passive-aggressive man, but the marital interchange was completely abnormal.

There are eleven hallmarks that identify the Passive-Aggressive personality disorder.

1. Fear of Dependency

2. Fear of Intimacy

3. Fear of Competition

4. Obstructionism

5. Fostering Chaos

6. Feeling Victimized

7. Making Excuses and Lying

8. Procrastination

9. Chronic lateness & Forgetfulness

10. Ambiguity

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151 of 152 people found the following review helpful By on August 16, 1998
Format: Paperback
I am married to and have two children with a passive aggressive man. I have searched local bookstores for a book on the topic for 2 years. One night, in desperation, I searched Amazon for a book on the subject and thankfully, I found this book by Scott Wetzeler.
Scott Wetzler clearly outlines the personality of a passive aggressive and concise terms and offers comprehensive solutions in how to deal with this personality.
What I loved most about the book were the validating stories told by other women that have experienced the, frustration, humiliation and emotional abuse, while involved with a "PA". I read their words over and over again in partial disbeleif, that my exact feelings and discription of the behavior, were staring back at me in black and white.
I urge anyone (male or female) who is in a relationship with someone who sulks, does not respond to a direct question or insists they are not angry even though their actions tell you otherwise, to read this book. It will save your life, as it has mine.
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396 of 412 people found the following review helpful By Groovy Vegan VINE VOICE on January 16, 2003
Format: Paperback
"Living With The Passive Aggressive Man" is a significantly flawed book, but one that has helped me tremendously in my post-breakup healing process with a passive-aggressive (PA) man. The book's greatest strength is describing what the PA man is like. I had many "aha" moments as clinical psychologist Scott Wetzler described the multitude of mind games PA people play including excuse making, obstructionism, and an old favorite: the PA person intentionally pushes your buttons, but if you get angry, they claim you're the one with a problem. This last example is of projected anger, which Wetzler explains quite well.
Wetzler's discussions of arguments and apologies also ring true for me. He explains that a fair fight is not in the repertoire of a PA partner. He'll be sarcastic or sulk or bring up distracters, but will not tell you what's bothering him. Furthermore, in many cases, they won't apologize at all, or will quickly issue an insincere apologize to change the subject. Wetzler asks you to gauge whether your partner actually changed their post-apology behavior. The section on parenting also was tremendously helpful. Wetzler states the biggest parenting problem for the PA parent is difficulty disciplining their child, which was certainly true in my relationship.
Other parts of the book did not ring true for me, although they certainly might for another reader. For example, he talked about the childhood experiences typical to PA people that helped make them that way, but my partner had generally positive things to say about his childhood. An alternative explanation could be that some people may consider themselves "too spiritual" to get angry, so they vent their anger passive-aggressively. Wetzler discussed "Who falls for the passive-aggressive man?
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111 of 117 people found the following review helpful By A Customer on September 2, 1998
Format: Paperback
I am so grateful to Scott Wetzler for writing this book. It has allowed me to forgive myself for taking the final step and getting a divorce, de-coupling from a situation which only someone with iron-clad self-esteem and unswerving vigilance could survive.
"He doesn't hit you, he doesn't drink, he doesn't run around, and he likes to cook. What more could you want in a husband?" That's what my ex's late mother used to say. But something was definitely wrong with this picture. He wouldn't work. He wouldn't talk. He wouldn't acknowledge responsibility for anything. But he loved therapy. Years and years of couples counseling didn't help. I found it hard to get a handle on what was wrong until reading this book.
Wetzler successfully calls attention to the "sins of omission" as opposed to the "sins of commission" and that truly is the crux of the problem. Also, the slippery logic, the convoluted rationalizations, the comfort of paralysis, the narcissistic view of the universe. I was trying to engage in give-and-take with a passive aggressive man, and that is plain impossible. My hands just kept sticking to the tar baby.
My ex was good-looking, intelligent, and charming. But the solitude, the procrastination, the silent treatment, the inability to hold a job, the supreme sense of entitlement, the refusal to argue or engage in any discussion of issues, blaming me for his failures, using abstinence as a weapon... In ten years of marriage, my husband never uttered my name.
I kept waiting for the waves of remorse to flow over me after I'd made the decision to separate. After all, I was 36 when I married him.
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