Living Together: A Guide to Counseling Unmarried Couples (Paperback)

by Jeff VanGoethem (Author)
Key Phrases: cohabiting lifestyle, many cohabiting couples, covenantal view, New Testament, Old Testament (more...)

Editorial Reviews

Review
"Pastors may find the sample counseling and church policy regarding cohabitation in the appendixes worth the price of the book." (Cindy Crosby Christianity Today )

"Pastors, counselors and chaplains today had better be prepared to effectively deal with these issues for the sake of all. This resource is the key to doing just that. Jeff VanGoethem's book is the equivalent of a seminary course of the Theology of Marriage. He offers models for counseling unmarried couples and shows how to draw up a policy for marrying couples who live together (which can be referred to) along with a working form for the reader to use. He instructs pastors how to spot red flags when interviewing couples and the danger of letting any red flags slip by. I plan to read his book a second time (slowly) in order to not miss anything in it." (Rev. Austin Miles MichNews.com )

"This interesting and sobering study of cohabitating treats a subject upon which little has been written. The author writes out of his experience as a pastor and familiarity with what has been written on this theme. The presentation is well rooted in what the Bible has to say about marriage. The book is a practical presentation of situations which present themselves to pastors. If there are clear policies laid down and followed by the church and its pastor, many heartaches and church conflicts will be avoided. The reader will identify with situations similar to those presented in the book. This book should be widely read." (Christian Observer )

"We need more attention to this in the church, IMHO. I feel that heterosexual sin has caused more damage to the body of Christ and children than any other sin and yet the church is virtually silent on the issue. I wonder if one of the reasons pastors hesitate to speak up is because it would touch so many lives? Or maybe it's just a desire not to hurt people's feelings. The shame of it is that so many children these days suffer dramatic and lifelong consequences from their parents not being married, or broken marriages due to sin, and the silence seems to only make things continue downhill." (Rev. Austin Miles agapepress.org 20061122)

In this much needed book, experienced pastor and counselor Jeff Van Goethem provides solid help for both the pastoral and professional counselor. He gives insight into the mindset of the modern cohabiting couple, reinforces the biblical view of marriage as a sacred covenant, and offers practical applications for counseling situations. 'Pastors and counselors need this book. It not only provides a biblical perspective, but it also brings the best social research to bear on this important subject.' (Kerby Anderson Probe Ministries International 20061122)

Living Together is the most complete, in-depth book to be found on this much-too-neglected subject. It provides direction to the delicate task of effectively counseling live-in couples; such as, what questions to ask, back-up statistics, plus legal questions and problems that cannot be avoided by refusing to marry. (Rev. Austin Miles crosswalk.com 20050301)

Living Together is the most complete, in-depth book to be found on this much-too-neglected subject. It provides direction to the delicate task of effectively counseling live-in couples; such as, what questions to ask, back-up statistics, plus legal questions and problems that cannot be avoided by refusing to marry. (Rev. Austin Miles crosswalk.com 20050501)

Millions of couples are living together rather than getting married. Pastors and counselors need this book. It not only provides a biblical perspective, but it also brings the best social research to bear on this important subject. Those who live together before they get married are putting their future marriage in danger. (Kerby Anderson Probe Ministries )

Millions of couples are living together rather than getting married. Pastors and counselors need this book. It not only provides -- Probe Ministries, August 15, 2004

Pastors, counselors and chaplains today had better be prepared to effectively deal with these issues for the sake of all. Living Together is the key to doing just that. VanGoethem's book is equivalent of a seminary course of The Theology of Marriage. He offers models for counseling unmarried couples and shows how to draw up a policy for marrying couples who live together (which can be referred to) along with a working form for the reader to use. He instructs pastors how to spot red flags when interviewing couples and the danger of letting any red flags slip by. I plan to read his book a second time (slowly) in order to not miss anything in it. (Rev. Austin Miles crosswalk.com 20040815)

Pastors, counselors and chaplains today had better be prepared to effectively deal with these issues for the sake of all. Living Together is the key to doing just that. VanGoethem's book is equivalent of a seminary course of The Theology of Marriage. He offers models for counseling unmarried couples and shows how to draw up a policy for marrying couples who live together (which can be referred to) along with a working form for the reader to use. He instructs pastors how to spot red flags when interviewing couples and the danger of letting any red flags slip by. I plan to read his book a second time (slowly) in order to not miss anything in it. (Rev. Austin Miles crosswalk.com 20061025)

Product Description
Offers a biblical perspective on the explosive and growing social phenomena of couples moving in together instead of marrying-a common trend even among Christian couples. Biblical, practical, and competent help for those who counsel and minister to unwed couples.

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Paperback: 208 pages
• Publisher: Kregel Academic & Professional (November 30, 2004)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0825439248
• ISBN-13: 978-0825439247
• Product Dimensions: 8.3 x 5.4 x 0.5 inches
• Shipping Weight: 8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.0 out of 5 stars See all reviews (2 customer reviews)
• Amazon.com Sales Rank: #669,749 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

14 of 15 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars A Must for Pastors and Leaders; Scriptural and Helpful, June 7, 2005

By	Edward J Vasicek (Kokomo, IN USA) - See all my reviews (TOP 1000 REVIEWER)    (REAL NAME)

Pastors are sometimes stressed out about what to do with couples who want to marry but are already living together (or cohabiting couples who attend our churches).
We end up with internal conflicts: on the one hand, we want to be gracious; on the other, we want to be true to God's Word. On the one hand, we should not expect lost people to act like Christians; on the other, we should hold Christians accountable to a Biblical standard.
It seems like whatever choice we make, we feel guilty.
Van Goethem has presented a thorough work that looks at the big picture. Why is cohabitation so bad? How is the marriage covenant superior, not only morally but relationally and socially? The author offers facts, figures, and statistics to bolster his assertions.
Then the author addresses those sticky issues that plague clergy who take the Bible seriously. Since so many people live in contradiction to God's revealed will, how do we make the best of a wrong situation? Van Goethem advocates that such couples must live separately (and purely) until the wedding if they want a truly Christian wedding.

The author does not address all problems. It disappointed me that he acknowledged (but left unaddressed) situations involving children. Is it better for mom and dad to separate, or would that traumatize the children? What if mom and dad cannot afford to separate, should we then rush the wedding?

Despite those significant omissions, the book does address MOST of the situations we come across. The appendices are worth the purchase price of the book: Cohabitaiton Facts and A Sample Church Wedding Policy are two of the four appendices that are especially helpful.

If you want a Biblical attempt to address these messy issues, this is the book to get!
Every evangelical pastor needs this one -hands down.

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:

3.0 out of 5 stars Recommended wirh Reservations, May 20, 2009

By	Winifred Flint "Independent Scholar and Libra... (Boston, MA USA) - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)

This work is not what it appears. The author is a Protestant pastor which leads one to expect a polemic on the practice of living together (LT) with a healthy dose of fire and brimstone. Instead, the book makes the case against LT using many scholarly and secular studies. These all point to a higher divorce rate for LTs who eventually marry as compared to those couples who maintained separate homes prior to marriage. These statistics comprise the first third of the book. The middle section describes marriage from a biblical perspective leading into a discussion of marriage as a covenant. In here the author encourages pastors to use their position as host to the wedding (providing the facility) or pre-marital counselor to point out the negative results of LT and how to mitigate them. The last third are scripts to use in marital counseling when addressing the myriad reasons that couples use to justify LT.

The power of this work lies in the accuracy and authority of the statistics. Here may be a problem. The average age of the studies is 1993. Given that this was published in 2005, the studies were 13 years old then and 17 years old in 2009. It is possible that there has been little work on LT since 1993, but it seems unlikely given the prevalence of LT. There is also no review of those studies that contradict the author's premise. Both of these facts could point to cherry picking only the statistics that agree with the author's viewpoint.

The scripts to use in counseling are based on the statistics. Assuming that the statistics are valid, the scripts are valuable. Almost every living situation is covered except for one. There is no help here for a pastor who needs to counsel a couple who are living together for economic reasons. These couples range from young mothers to senior citizens. And almost all of them have entered into the living arrangement because they don't want to lose government benefits. It is clear the author would not agree that LT is a valid response even when faced with the loss of income. But there is no script for handling this. Given the prevalence of this living arrangement, particularly in large cities, such a script would have been very useful

I recommend this work, with reservations, to schools that train pastors. I see no other work that addresses the topic with such depth so it is of value simply for its uniqueness. But before it is used, a complete literature search should be done to verify the statistics.