16 of 17 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Living Together Myths, Risks & Answers, May 14, 2008
This review is from: Living Together: Myths, Risks & Answers (Hardcover)
The book, Living Together Myths, Risks & Answers by Mike and Harriet McManus is a great tool for pastors, parents, and those concerned about cohabitation. Mike and Harriet have decades of experience in working to strengthen marriage. They have tirelessly traveled to hundreds of communities to establish Community Marriage Policies, in which clergy, have pledged to offer more thorough marriage preparation. This has actually reduced divorce rates by an average of 17.5% and cohabitation rates by one-third! In my city of Evansville, IN more than 100 churches adopted reforms that resulted in the divorce rate down by 20% and marriage rate risen by 16%.
This book gives wonderful information to support the cause of traditional marriage. Our culture today has accepted cohabitation to the detriment of society. Couples who live together before marriage are at a very high risk of divorce. This book will give you the facts and figures. Mike and Harriet cite research to back up their statements. This is a great book to give to those whao are cohabiting. It will open their eyes to the reality of their situation. Many women believe that living together will lead to marriage but according to this book, men usually choose to live with a woman for convenience. There are interesting stories woven througout the book to keep your interest.
I recommend Living Together Myths, Risks & Answers to everyone who cares about the future of our families and the stability of our country.
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10 of 10 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Cohabitation: How Not To Succeed in Marriage, September 13, 2008
This review is from: Living Together: Myths, Risks & Answers (Hardcover)
Living Together Myths, Risks & Answers by Mike and Harriet McManus (Howard Books, 2008, 234 pages) is not a book for people who ignore the facts and blindly accept popular beliefs concerning cohabitation. Rather, the book is written for discerning couples (and their parents, clergy, and friends) who truly trust and respect each other and seek a healthy, rewarding, long-term marriage.
Cohabitation, as defined by Webster's, is "to live together as husband and wife usually without legal or religious sanction." Forty years ago it was known as "shacking up" or "living in sin" but today the politically correct terms are "living together" or "trial marriage." Mike and Harriet McManus, co-founders of the Marriage Savers® organization (trained our marriage mentor couples -- Aug 2008 Good News) use large amounts of study data, in addition to their own experiences in working with engaged couples, to demonstrate convincingly that no single choice is more destructive to the long-term prospects of establishing a lasting relationship than cohabitation. They take a fundamental position that one can not practice permanence, and unless a marriage is established as permanent, a couple will not approach it the same way.
This book is a wake-up call on the extent of the problem of cohabitation -- with encouraging, proven answers. It convincingly demonstrates that cohabitation increases rather than decreases the likelihood of divorce. The book notes that people cohabit for a variety of reasons, but the result is generally the same, regardless of the motivation: a failed relationship, whether marriage resulted or not. The book details the risks and dangers of cohabitation and its disproportionate impact on women and children.
The Extent of the Problem
* The number of never-married Americans soared from 21 million in 1970 to 60 million in 2006 (largely because women are agreeing to live in unwed relationships with men)
* Of cohabiting couples, 41 percent have children living with them
* At any given time, 5.4 million couples are living together (cohabiting.org among the many surveys and research cited)
Just the Facts
* Eight out of ten cohabiting relationships will fail before or after the wedding
* Half of cohabiting relationships end within fifteen months - without a wedding
* Couples who marry after living together are fifty percent more likely to divorce than those who remain apart before the wedding - the longer one cohabits, the greater the danger of a future divorce
* Cohabiting couples who marry face much greater odds of divorce - 67 percent as opposed to the usual 45 percent for first marriages
* There is more infidelity in cohabiting relationships than among married couples
* Children of cohabiting couples are more likely to experience emotional problems, alcoholism and drug abuse
The book examines twelve key myths about cohabitation and refutes each. It lists the top ten reasons why men won't commit and identifies seven less-recognized underlying issues driving the twelve fold increase in the number of cohabiting couples. It details male and female motivations to cohabit - generally men for convenience; women to get a marriage proposal.
The authors outline a better way to test whether a couple's relationship is strong enough to build a life long marriage in a five step approach:
1. Take a premarital inventory such as PREPARE or FOCCUS that ask the couples whether they agree or disagree with 150+ statements like these:
- At times I am concerned about the silent treatment I get from my future spouse.
- I am concerned that my future spouse spends money foolishly.
- I would like to change some of the ways we solve problems
The inventory gives the couple an objective overview of their strengths as a couple, and areas for future growth. It also provides a bridge for older couples to mentor those preparing for marriage.
2. Meet with a trained Mentor Couple in a healthy marriage, to discuss the issues surfaced by the inventory. Mentor Couples review the inventory with the mentorees and discuss the unique issues that each couple has revealed about themselves.
3. Learn skills of communication and conflict resolution. Mentor Couples are trained to administer a series of exercises designed to help couples learn to resolve conflict in a way that is mutually respectful. The major reasons that couples divorce is that they have not learned the skills of conflict resolution that can be taught in a few hours.
4. Move apart. Couples who are cohabiting have a diminished quality of their relationship that can be improved by moving apart and going through the thorough marriage preparation process outlined above. Many arguments will cease. This approach will increase the couple's long-term odds for success.
5. Remain chaste or stop having sex until the wedding. This is the hardest step to take, but studies show that the sexually active are much more likely to divorce than those who are chaste. The sexually active are two-thirds more likely to divorce. Remaining chaste until the wedding increases their chances for success.
Consider this book an investment in your or someone else's marriage. Whether you are a mentor seeking to help others in their marriage, a parent helping a child as he or she is contemplating living with someone, a pastor who needs a reliable tool to help counsel couples, or a person considering living with someone yourself, this book is well worth the read. The book can be previewed online (Foreword by Chuck Colson, Chapters 1-7 and 9-10 extracts, Appendix A, and Notes) at: http://books.google.com/books?id=4QZA_AzsR2oC&pg=PA225&lpg=PA225&dq=cohabiting.org&source=web&ots=jsspm88EBe&sig=K_eA7o84DiNA1_G-8ac3DAR3rA8&hl=en&sa=X&oi=book_result&resnum=2&ct=result#PPP1,M1
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